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NC, different opinons from men than women


shikashika
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I have only had a recent but heartbreaking breakup ( who hasn't i guess!)

 

Even though its been only a week, I've made zero contact since the breakup... i know its a silly thing to be proud of but its been sooooooooooo hard!! i've been tempted to a million times.

 

anyway, i find a *good* way to 'get over him is to talk about it to everyone.. family, friends workmates... just helps me.

 

Even though, i still miss him immensely and wish he'd call me.

 

one thing all the women, my mum, girl friends have said to me is "DON'T CONTACT HIM".. i haven't.

 

But when I talk to my brother, close male friends... they all say, "well if you block him on your msn, avoid him... he won't contact you because he's getting the message that you're avoiding him... and if he's anything of a decent guy he'll not contact you either.

 

I'm hoping he will contact me..the breakup just ended completely out of the blue, with his reason being " i don't think i like you as much as i should'... no fights, distancing himself... nothing.

 

Anyway, when I tell my guy friends, brothers this they say, "Well he won't try to contact you if you block him on msn and avoid seeing each other (we work near each other, go to the same gym, so I'm avoiding him as in I make sure i don't go at the same time anymore

 

My guy friends think I should make myself a little more available.. as in go to the gym, but let him approach me if he wants to and don't block him from my emails.

 

all my female friends think I should delete every last piece of him.

 

As my boyfriend is a guy ( ) you'd think the guys would know more what they are talking about.

 

this is what all 5 or 6 guys have told me, when I say i want my ex to contact me... and they all say " well you aren't allowing him to"

 

thanks for listening

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Well I am a girl, but I'll give you my opinion on it anyways.

The reason for not loving you anymore might have been he never loved you or that he grew tired of you and not see you as a challange anymore. The answer to this will make a huge difference on the outcome...

 

If you are comfortable with him contacting you and perhaps hearing about a new partner or stuff you would not have been normally okay with, then I'd say keep the lines open but keep NC.

Don't purpousely block him but don't be his friend.

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I'm sure others will say it too but NC isn't to get your ex back, it's to help you heal and move on.

 

That being said...

 

Your male friends are right: if you make it impossible for your ex to contact you he can't contact you.

 

But keep in mind that just because he has the ability to contact you doesn't mean that he will. I have a feeling that this is what your female friends are getting at.

 

I know it hurts but his reason for ending the relationship is a good one. Go out and find someone who thinks the WORLD of you and nothing less!

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thanks guys... I know NC is for me not him... but we've all been there..

its just this ended one day completely out of the blue and he was crying his eyes out, we didn't have any problems tha i was aware of... we were never snarky, nagging..

 

his reason was just, " i don't think i like you enough"

 

when I asked him what he wanted / needed in a relationship he said " i don't know"

 

when i asked him if this was a bump he wanted to work though, he said" it should just happen naturally, we shouldn't have to work on it"

 

mousty,

how do you mean the outcome will be different if he did love me, got tired of me vs never loved me

 

i guess like any other lost soul, i'm hoping he will call me... and at least cares tah much that he misses me, especially since he just dumped me out of the blue.

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Again as others said, No contact is for YOU to move on not to attract your ex back to you.

 

You need to heal and contact will hinder the healing process.

 

Let go of your ex and work on making YOURSELF happy, whether it be a new hobby, spending time with friends/loved ones, or hanging out with us cool people on enotalone

 

Good luck,

Rose

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thanks everyone...

i know NC is for me..

 

I will actually have forced NC, because i'm about to go away for a couple of weeks on holiday so this couldn't come at a better time.

 

By the time I come back from my holiday it will have been a month since i will have seen him... and on my holiday will be catching up with good friends whom I haven't seen in 3 years, so hopefully this will take my mind off it.

 

i guess the wee part of me still hopes that he will realise his mistake, because we did have a GREAT relationship.. FACT... and he knows it.

 

i don't think I can ever take someone back... but i do would feel better if he told me what he was missing ( yes i am a bit bitter right now..)

 

and I guess if i am completely NC that won't ever happen

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thanks guys... I know NC is for me not him... but

mousty,

how do you mean the outcome will be different if he did love me, got tired of me vs never loved me

 

Well speaking from experience, it happened twice that I would wake up from a relationship just to realize that I don't really love them.. okay it's weird... but then I really have no intentions of making it work with the person.

 

If I just got bored with the person because I saw them too much but had strong feelings for them, I'll most likely make some kind of effort to contact the person.

 

But yes, the No Contact should be done for you, but it can also be helpful if you do eventually get back together to work on yourself and gain strenght.

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Ok I just have to say this because it has been on my mind actually as of lately and I wanted to make a post about it but ill just state it here because the issue was brought up:

 

Ok, I know im going against what people are telling you but this is just my opinion. I have been in 3 breakups my whole life and 2 of them were 'No Contact' breakups that lasted about 8 months till I finally cracked and talked to them. The one breakup I am in currentley is a contact break up and I can say clearly that; NC breakups are very unhealthy.

 

Now, if you talk to your partner and tell them in a positive way that we need to take time apart, and completley sever any means of communication until we are over one another, then by all means go ahead and give it a go. However, 90% of the time this is not the case. Almost all situations including on this site are NC breakups that happen because 1 of the partners is very angry or vengeful. This is an unhealthy type of breakup that gives little to no closure on why it had to happen.

 

Currentley, I am in a contact break up with my ex of 1 year and I can honestly say it feels SO MUCH easier. At this very moment she is in a bar full of plenty of handsome guys which im sure are going to be hitting on her and guess what? It doesnt bother me a bit, because she told me about it and she has my blessing. However, you know how much it would hurt in the initial phases of the break up if I didnt know what she was up to and a friend told me that he saw her at a bar talking to othe guys? ALOT!

 

Ultimatley, No contact creates this severley depressing illusion and almost a mystique (if I may use that word) about the breakup that is just too hard to swallow. If it's possible, talk to the other person and get over them gradually. I can honestly say I had 8 months to work with getting over an ex of 2 years and I just couldn't get over it more than 10-20%. Finally, I broke the NC and messaged her and she and I spoke. Immediatley, I got over all the painful memories and the mystique completley died. I was no longer waking up in the morning waiting, or sad, or wondering why love is like this or like that.

 

In conclusion, keep it simple and as easy on yourself as you can. The harsh reality is there's no healthy no contact break up. The people that say never talk to him/her again are giving a universal rule of thumb which is, if you don't talk to them or see them again then the reality will hit you. However, the reality will hit you anyway once you don't see them as much anymore and you feel that chemistry is no longer there. However, atleast when your seriously down or nearly out you can just give them a call and tell them how you feel. Even me and my ex as ridiculously abusive as we were to eachother are there to talk whenever we are down and missing eachother. It's important that your convos don't turn into blame or jelousy games either. Don't tell them or threaten them about other opportunities with men/women or how great it's to be single. Just be there for them as they are for you. Thanks for reading

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in response to thedoctor's post...

 

Just be there for them as they are for you.

 

first of all, for a lot of people here, their exes aren't there for them AT ALL. why should they be "there" for people who have broken their hearts and decided that they are better off without them?

 

and, if you turn it around, continuing to talk to your ex/dumper also has the effect of YOU losing your mystique in their eyes. not to mention, when a person dumps you, he already sees you as significantly less attractive than he used to see you. the physical, mental, and/or emotional attraction has already worn off for him to a degree, so by not cutting them off you are only adding to the waning feelings they have for you.

 

just because a person is in NC doesn't mean she isn't being realistic about what her ex is up to. i think my ex's life is fine without me, but i don't think it's any better than mine. in fact, i have a few reasons to believe it might be worse. as long as you don't waste your time wistfully thinking about your ex's awesome life/relationship/whatever and instead concentrate on YOUR life, i don't see a problem. you simply have to train yourself to not mentally participate in what your ex may or may not be doing.

 

also, a few years ago, i tried to win a person back when he had essentially cut me off. i kept trying to contact him to no avail. 8 or 9 months later, several months after i stopped trying to contact him, HE got in touch with ME to say he was still in love with me and wanted me back. i didn't have to stay in his life for him to still be extremely affected by me, and to miss me.

 

honestly, everyone has their success stories that they've experienced or heard about, and they happen all different ways. but i still think there are WAY too many arguments for NC than there are against it.

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But when I talk to my brother, close male friends... they all say, "well if you block him on your msn, avoid him... he won't contact you because he's getting the message that you're avoiding him... and if he's anything of a decent guy he'll not contact you either.

 

as an alternative, can you simply remove him from your buddy list? that's what i did to my ex, since he's barely ever on, and i really doubt he'd IM me anyway. as long as i didn't see his name appear when he came online, that was all the mattered to me. i think the blocking is more about you, so you don't have to think about him whenever he signs on, rather than him not being able to contact you.

 

i'm slightly against blocking anyway. i've never done it to anyone because i think it's a bit juvenile. guess i just figured that if i really disliked a person that much, he would know it, and that i'm also a big enough woman that i could tell him in words that i don't appreciate his contact.

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