Cheating???

[alone5444]

Hey guys,

 

My friend told me about this website and it sounds great.

 

I'm having a huge problem with my boyfriend. We've been together for about 4 years now. He's a real cool boyfriend, we do a lot of stuff together, we talk about our future together all the time. How many kids we want, what their names will be etc...! He works with a bunch of girls and they have all told me that he knows he will marry me but he wants to be established in his career first. I am really pushing for marriage but he doesn't want to get married yet, wants to wait, thinks he's too young. He's 28.

 

I mean he's always kinda been like this but he doesn't really call much anymore. I feel like i am always calling him, and he only talks to me for a few mins. and then says he has to go.

 

He wants to move in together, but my family and I believe in living together after marriage. I think my problem starts here, it bothers me that I don't know where he is and what he is doing all the time. Something inside me tells me i don't trust him for some reason. I mean i found a name and number of a girl about 3 years ago on his nightstand, i called the girl and she said she never talked to him he just left a message and wanted to know if she wanted to hang out. I confronted him and he said this girl at work kept harassing him to call the girl so he did. He said it didn't mean anything.

 

Then six months later i found a girls underwear, and it was not mine. He said his friend was doing his and his wifes laundry and must have left it in the machine, it was indeed in the machine. So he made me call his friend right in front of him, I said did you use something over here last weekend. His friend said yes the washing machine. But i still feel weird about that.

 

Lately, he's been getting mad b/c he says i don't trust him, and the truth is i don't. I just don't know what to do or think. He just seems so distant, he also has a good friend who is a girl and hangs out with her a lot, but i hang out with her too. It just bothers me they hangout with me sometimes though. Please help! I need some advice.

[RayKay]

Well, obviously there is a big lack of trust here.

 

Whether it is valid or not, I am unsure.

 

I think the bigger issue for you distancing is that your goals are not on par with one another - you want marriage, he doesn't, he wants to move in together without it, you don't. Neither of you is wrong, but that conflict in interests is going to cause friction, and cause some reassessment of the relationship.

 

After 4 years, I think both of you should have a very good idea where this is heading (marriage or not). It sounds like you do, but it's not going to happen now. And I think some niggling part in your gut is maybe wondering if it will ever happen, and has you looking for reassurance and security in all the 'wrong places' basically.

 

And while I think 4 years for many is enough time to know if marriage is happening soon or not, I think pushing for it is the wrong thing to do entirely - people don't like being pushed into major things like that and even if they want it...will begin to resent it. I would suggest you develop a timeline TOGETHER as to what is right for you as a couple and then decide yourself if you can live with that or not...if not, run. If you can, but those timelines come and go...run. Because honestly, you are never really "settled enough"...there are better times to get married, and "worse times", but nothing will be perfect...it shouldn't be..marriage isn't perfect either!

 

Ease up on chasing HIM all the time. Live YOUR life, do your own thing. I am sure you do, but you need to show you aren't living for him, or by his schedule either. Even if you were living together, or married, you don't have to report into each other all the time. There should be enough trust to not need a daily schedule of every activity and time, you know?

 

Next, if someone feels untrusted....without reason...they will withdraw and feel hurt...and maybe be pushed further away. I can't tell you if he is trustworthy or not..I don't know him. It sounds to me he has been very thorough about explaining strange things, then again it was also very odd he called that girl at all even with pressure. But, if someone is not trusted and IS dishonest, they can become defensive.

 

I don't know...you need to look at his actions, and...trust your gut. If it is telling you something is amiss...something probably is. In this case I would not go so much with cheating...but definitely with emotional distance and seperation. I think from sounds of it he IS putting distance between you - maybe due to pressure, or the fact he knows he does not want to get married, or is looking elsewhere...I am unsure.

[Scout]

I don't know if he's physically cheating. But big, huge alarm bells are going off in my head that "a bunch of girls he works with" know exactly where he stands on marriage with you.

 

And it does sound like he's putting distance between you and him by having a close friendship with another girl. Some people would be cool with their boyfriend having a close friendship with another female that he hung out with on a regular basis. I am not one of them.

[Iceman26]

The phone call issue is fairly typical of a 4 year long relationship.

 

The excuse he gave about calling that girl was BS, big time.

 

The underwear thing is a little weak.

 

It is hard to say what is going on here. I think if he were a playboy, he wouldn't want you to move in with him......but at the same time, he knows you won't move in with him, so it only makes him look like nothing suspicious is going on by asking you to move in.

 

I am a little skeptical about his reason to not get married right now, but then again I don't know him.

[Beec]

It seems to me like while you have soemthing here, you don't have what it takes to be long term, you don't have marrying material. You have different visions about how to move forward, and you don't trust him, and you want marriage soon, but he is nowhere close.

 

Even if he is not cheating, this relationship is an exercise in frustration. End it. Move on.

[Meow18]

You say you want to get married and move in with him. But you don't trust him? Would marrying him be a way for you to keep a better eye on him?

 

Seriously, you don't trust him. And I think you have good enough reasons to doubt what he says. But the problem still exists, you don't trust him. Why would you even consider marrying at this point when your relationship is not healthy right now?

 

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? I think that needs to come first. You both need to work on these issues or they will never get fixed. You need to think about what can be done on both sides to make this better. If neither of you are willing to do your part, then chances are it's not going to work.

 

You also need to decide if it's worth it for you. Do you think you can ever trust him?

[RayKay]

Yes, Meow hit some very good points.

 

Marriage won't somehow "make" it secure and trusting. Unfortunately many do believe somehow it will fix things, or "guarantee" the commitment and will push for it even when there are red flags.

 

But, it does not work that way. That trust, honesty and "security" must be there BEFORE you tie the knot. And "marriage" is a decision of the heart and mind regardless of whether or not you are officially married. If the heart and mind aren't in it, it won't matter if the papers are signed. And if they are...well, you'll know it, and not feel on such "shaky ground" about where you stand, and whether to trust him, and so on.

 

In sum - don't get married if you do not have a healthy, trusting relationship in the first place.

[craving_normalcy]

Sounds like there are some issues that definitely need to be resolved. I find some irony in the fact that he called 'some other chick' because some WOMAN at work was pressuring him to do it? Is this one of the same women who knows 'he wants to marry you'?? If so, that's a contradiction in terms. Why would a woman who KNOWS he's wants to marry YOU push him to call some OTHER woman?

 

The whole 'panties in the washer' thing is a bit odd too...I guess it was explained away easily enough, since you made him call the friend on the spot (shows there was no secret conversation about it prior to that call)...

 

You are in a bind - you trust him, but you won't live with him until you're married. Marrying him, like RayKay said, won't solve anything if you don't trust him beforehand. Marriage does not = a leash or eyes in the back of your head. If you don't trust him, maybe you need a break to re-evaluate the things that are bothering you. If you work through them, great...if not, then you know you will be better off in the long run.

[alone5444]

ok, the girl who pressured him into calling another girl does not work with him, it was a customer of his that pressured him. We used to work together now we don't anymore. I think that causes insecurity in me too, because before i saw him all the time now i don't.

 

About the underwear thing, I was actually the one who called his friend. He dialed the number and handed me the phone.

 

Anyway it doesn't even matter anymore. I have been calling him two days in a row and he won't even answer his cell phone. So something is definitly up. Honestly i don't care anymore, i am considering us not together anymore. I am moving on. It's hard and I am very hurt how it has ended, but it was going to happen sooner or later. Pray for me i get through this.

[Meow18]

Anyway it doesn't even matter anymore. I have been calling him two days in a row and he won't even answer his cell phone. So something is definitly up. Honestly i don't care anymore, i am considering us not together anymore. I am moving on. It's hard and I am very hurt how it has ended, but it was going to happen sooner or later. Pray for me i get through this.

 

I'm sorry to hear about that. But, you know, I think it's what is best for you. I think you deserve better.

 

It's going to be hard, but you will soon get through this. And you know we are always here for you!