Is The Dumper Really Doing Just Fine Without The Dumpee?

[whatchamacallit]

LostAngel, Gator is right on. I want to ask you if you have ever opened up your eyes to him possible being a controlling person? It finally dawned on me one day that my ex SO is. Because he controls my emotions so much, and projects his own faults onto me. I didn't really consider it until we broke up. Like I've said, I've never had anyone control how I feel so much. I'm so sorry you're having trouble. You'll gradually start to feel better once you start "demonizing" him a little.

[LostAngel]

Hi Speedway

 

Soory it took so long to reply but I just got too work & have 24 access to the internet at work and not at home.

 

I read your link that described how you are similar to how my ex REACTS and this part really stood out to me...

 

Speedway wrote...

"I've thought a lot about the things I did and didn't do while in the relationship. I realise that I had it good, but sometimes I felt tired and bored and couldn't see a future for us. Recently I thought about things that couples can do together and came up with a long list what we could have done together and what I could have done to make her feel better. Part of that means that I should change my views on things (not a bad thing!). However, I don't believe I should make too many changes since I may lose part of the essense that defines me. You can't be ultimately happy in a relationship if you always give in and give up too much of your interests. My other mistake was doing too much work which led to me being tired and eventually losing interest in the things that were important for her (and for me). We also didn't discuss the future seriously. I don't believe a "just hanging around" kind of relationship has chances in the long run - you need to discuss the common plans for the future (living together, marriage, pets, kids, spending time together etc.)."

 

 

 

You know the main reason we started fighting this time is because my ex was working alot and everything just changed. The past few months after getting back together were going great. He was totally commited & if we fought we would always manage to sort stuff out. Then his whole work situation changed & its like I was left out & was no longer his priority. I tried to understand that we could not spend as much time together as would have to work late, go away on weekends & was stressed but eventually we just kept fighting 'cause he totally just didn't take us into consideration. Things just got worse until he broke up with me then eventually went into NC.

 

Just before this we were looking for a place together & were closer than ever but then after a few fights it all changed. Now I just don't know what to feel. We have been together for so long that things were finally starting to come together & we were happy. Then he just pushed things with 'us' aside & that is when everything changed. And the worst is that he blamed me & said I was being selfish & not understanding.

 

Just as you say "eventually losing interest in the things that were important for her" so he just did so with us & our plans.

 

 

I am so hurt by this as I have placed all my dreams, hopes, heart soul. EVERYTHING! IN HIM & don't know how to move forward

 

 

Thanks so much Speedway. I now have a clearer idea of what he feels as you say how you feel.

 

 

 

It's just so hard to believe how he can just wallk away if he loves me so much as he said he did.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Thanks Whatchamacallit

 

You know I don't think they really get over us as much as they try to rush into things. If they do they aren't dealing with their emotions of us at all & just bury them deep inside. Even though they may try to get someone to take their minds off us...Eventually they will have to deal with their emotions & how we impacted their lives... Thats why I think rebound relationships never really work.

 

Thats the thing... I keep thinking of how my ex can just change his mind & feelings just like that but if they really love us like I believe my ex does then deep down they can't.

 

I always believe "True love never dies" but I guess only time will tell & thats whats killing me.

 

 

Stay strong

 

 

 

LostAngel

[danman4968]

I find it kind of funny how the dumper is ok because they have met someone new and all seems perfect and great, until they really get to know them and its not the person they seemed at first, then they come running back...i notice that happens alot in these threads.

 

In a way its kind of disapointing, because it feeds my hope.

[LostAngel]

Hi Danman4968

 

You are so right. If you read my reply to Whatchamacallit just before your post, I think I desribed what you speak about.

 

You know I think it's mostly that our ex will never find another person like us & only appreciate us when they realise our worth once were gone.

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi Whatchamacallit

 

I have also realised that he is controlling in a way as my emotions & reactions are all controlled by how he reacts to me. He also keeps blaming me for this last break up & all the fights & I do think he may be projecting his faults on me because he is also at fault.

 

But yet this is so hard for me to understand as I keep blaming myself now and keep thinking this all happened 'cause of me & how I reacted to everything.

 

 

This is so hard.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

I feel really weak today & so sad.

 

 

 

Thanks to you all for trying to help. I just am so mixed up

 

 

 

[Lealing]

Hi Lost Angel!

 

We all have our "down" days. It will pass and things will get better. Over the weekend I was thinking loads and was also feeling down. Now back on track after deciding to do LC. Today I also took a positive step and enquired about voluntary work for the weekend which are the loneliest times for me.

 

Keep busy and I hope you feel better soon.

 

Lealing

[kohnny]

Well, I found out that one month after my ex turned on me and told me over the phone she would never go out with me again and that she had a new boyfriend that she had slumped into a major depression and her friend had to drag her down to the doctors. She was put on anit-depressants.

 

She told me this after I had blown her cover and found her on a dating site one month later. I sent her a text to let her know I had spotted her and thereofre knew she had no boyfriend!!! Tee hee.

 

She text me back saying that nothing had changed between us but she wished me well. I told her I was dating and she again wished me well.

 

Two weeks later she text me out the blue saying her life was crap and she hoped mines was just great! LOL

 

I emailed her back insteading of texting her back..but I made sure she waited 4 days for the email. She answered that email and told me a few things about how her life had gone off the rails. I took 2 weeks to respond to that email!!! Hee hee

 

In her response she told me she was in a very bad depression and blamed so of it on our break up (more fool her for ending the relationship) and some of it on her car breaking down.....yeah.....right.

 

basically...this dumb woman thought she could just dust herself down after dumping me and get on with her life. But as she said..life just caught up with her. She tried to blame me for all sorts of things in her following email and started texting me all sorts of weird messages. I ignored those.

 

So, ex's might not be doing quite as well as you might think! For her it's too late now. I would never consider getting back with her although I loved her more than Ive loved anyone. But in the end..the way she treated me and spoke to me when she ended the relationship....well..the real woman came out.....good ridance to her...she was short, fat and had crooked teeth anyway!!

[empty421]

Lost Angel, I sent you a PM too

 

hang in there... i know how hard it is.. i have "bad" days almost every day...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Kohnny, I seem to recall a previous post from you stating that you treated your girlfriend badly and always thought she would be around and then she dumped you. You started realizing how badly you had behaved. You now seem to be going back to your original behaviour and acting smug about her pain. She dumped you because you were cruel to her, now she feels bad and you are back to being cruel. How about being more understanding.

[LostAngel]

Hi Khonny

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Is this the same ex you speak about in your thread...

WANT YOUR EX BACK...THEN STOP CHASING?

Just wanted to ask 'cause I know you were the dumper.

 

Your thread was really a great help to me when I read it it made me feel better especially that I have always been the dumpee with my ex & it was great to hear the perspective of the dumper & has helped me to keep staying strong in NC so that I don't push him away more.

 

It is so hard to love someone & be hopeless on what to do about everything.

 

 

LostAngel

[Gator]

Hi Lost,

 

I know, today is a tough day for me too. Be strong, keep busy, and keep reading and posting here.

[LostAngel]

Thanks Gator

 

I'm trying to keep strong. I realise that Ive manged the past 3 weeks & 4 days but at times I feel worse than ever & just keep thinking 'how can he be fine without me in his life especially since we have been together for so long & him loving me like he says he does. I just can't get over this. How can he be fine?

 

I keep blaming myself for everything...how things ended, for things I said, the way I might of pushed him away, for trying to call him over & over again, for the way I reacted when I found out he was back without telling me, for all the fights, for sending him the last message I sent him, for reacting to his NC, for everything...THAT POPS INTO MY HEAD from the last week that we broke up...and he just seems to be fine without me since he has not called or anything...This is killing me.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[kohnny]

Hi Crazyaboutdogs....Ummm...no friend..I never said I treated my ex badly. On the contrary..I treated her extremely well..which made her refusing to reconcile with me all th emore painful and made her harsh and cruel words to me all the more damaging.

 

You need to re-read my threads I think rather than me explain her again what happened. Yes, I dumped her..it was in my opinion at that time justified. Her behaviour was quite unacceptable at face value. Then it later turned out to have been a major misunderstanding.

 

When I walked away from the relationship my ex chaced me. As my other thread states..this prevented us getting back together. When I eventually calmed down and when she eventually stopped chacing me I went back to reconcile with her. I certainly never treated her badly. Unless ignoring her for several weeks is considered treating someone badly? Well, I needed space after her behaviour towards me.

 

She chose not to reconcile despite us realising that we had misunderstood each others actions. But more than that...she became highly offensive...said extremely bad things to me...then proceeeded to send me email jokes the next day. I got sucked in and replied...she asked me if I wanted to meet for a drink..I said yes..she never mentioned it again. So, I phoned her up...she led me into the trap nicely..she yes to meeting me for the drink but then told me she was seeing someone else. BINGO....job done....she got her revenge (not that revenge was ever justified) and \i then entered into a month of pure hell and a further 6 months of anguish and torment and depression. Why? All because of a misunderstanding.

 

Nope...she turned out to be a vengefull...sick ...twisted...mean mother******. Great thing is she never knew..never found out if I had been hurt by the experience. Next time she heard from me was a month later through a text message where I told her I spotted her on a dating site. Thisd led to other conmunications, e.g. emails & MSN in which she told me she went through hell when we broke up and she was on anti-depressants. Ahhh, what a shame. Poor thing. Well, I guess thats bad kharma...thats what you get for telling untruths about having a new boyfriend when you don't. That little untruth nearly killed me. Lost weight, lost time from work, cried solid for a month, became depressed etc etc. What a sweet lady she was for doing this to me because of a misunderstanding.

 

Now I am just happy to get on with my life and piss her off as much as I can while I talk to other women on MSN and arrange dates! I no longer chace her..wow..what a bummer that must be for her ego now! Hee hee. Maybe she'll IM me and I'll have to say 'sorry, chatting at the moment...speak another time'

 

It's the small things in life that matter, eh!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, my last post was based on information given in the post above. Now I see there is more to the story. I can see your point. Just a thought as I have been at the receiving end of being ignored....it is just as hurtful as when someone is rude to you. Being ignored is like that person saying you don't matter anymore. When people need a time out, it is better to communicate that rather than to ignore the person because then at least the person being ignored has a better understanding of the situation. It seems to me that in your situation, you were hurt, she tried to make amends, you needed time out so ignored her, she got hurt and then lashed out at you and got even, so you got hurt. Too much miscommunication and misunderstandings. Do you still care about her? Is it too late to start from scratch and talk things out?

[kohnny]

Crazyaboutdogs, Yes it is too late. What she said and did to me when I went to her house to try and make up was appauling. I gave this woman so much and her daughter. I DIYed for her, took on holidays, did wonderful things for both of them at Christmas etc etc. The worst that woman could say about me was that I was late 2 or 3 times for dates with her, Thats it! She repayed me by trashing the relationship and me.

 

When I tried again she led me on and then hit me with the boyfriend lie. That killed me and changed my whole view of this woman. Up until the last days I always thought she was a perfect lady. Honest, caring, loyal....the perfect partner. I would have married this lady had not the misunderstanding lead to what it did.

 

So, no. I would not go back to her. She has a vicious streak in her that I did not see before. If after being with me for one and a half years andall the wonderful things I did for her and her child she could do this to me....well she aint worth jack Sh*t.

 

I have done with chasing this lady months ago. I will never attempt a reconcilation with her again. I gave her all the chances to put things right..she just lied and treid to cuase me more damage. All because I ignored her for a few weeks?

 

I have regained a lot of my self worth and dignity back..she robbed em of that. Anyone who robs you of these things is garbage. She went from being the woman I loved to garbage. I havent seen her in 5 months, havent spoken to her on the phone in 4 and a half months and couldnt care less if she was in deep trouble. I wouldnt help her again. She is garbage and I deserve someone so much better.

 

If she contacts me again she is in for a rude surprise!

[SherriLi]

Hey Lost Angel,

 

Sorry that you are going through this, for the amount of time and energy that has been spent,... I just need to know something first,

Does this man live in the same city as you or did he move? I thought i recalled you posting that he moved...

[LostAngel]

Hi SherrLi

 

Thanks for replying.

 

My ex does live in the same same city as me and did not move or anything. I think you may be recalling someone else's story or maybe when I spoke of my ex going away for work you thought I meant he moved away.

 

When he does go away for work it would be over a weekend or a few days during the weak but then he would return. The thing is the weak he broke up with me he was away for that weekend and started NC with me after the fights, he then returned from being away but did not even let me know he was back. This is why I got so upset & we ended up fighting even more & eventually I went into NC (You can check my last thread to catch up)

 

 

As of today it has been 4 weaks of NC and I have'nt heard anything from him. It hurts alot 'the not knowing what he is thinking or feeling' but I'm trying to just keep going with NC because if you recall my last thread after the last time I spoke to him, he just kept saying I must leave him alone & go away, so that is what I'm doing with NC.

 

I really do miss him & love him alot but I don't want to chase him as I would always do & don't want to push him away anymore. These last 4 weaks have been really tough & I don't know if I should just call him but he said I must go away & if he really loves me like he said he did (especially after nearly 10 years) then he should be the one to contact me. That is what I think but do have my doubs at times. Its all really confusing to me still as he did not even break up with me properly or give me closure. So I am struggling & not sure what to do.

 

 

Hope I helped.

 

 

LostAngel

[ozomega]

Kohnny, did it ever occur to you that your ex's "lie" about having a new boyfriend could have been in response to you 'ignoring her for a few weeks?' As someone said, ignoring someone can be as bad as being rude. It's an insult. It's as if you're saying, "you are not even worth my time. Suddenly you are worthless to me," Perhaps your ex really loved you and was desperate to get you back, and she thought if you believed she had someone else you would realise what you had lost and want to get back together with her. The so-called "lie" that hurt you so much might have been yet another "misunderstanding."

 

I don't believe this woman is "garbage." There must have been something good in her at one time. I think it's more likely that she's hurt you inadvertently in a misguided attempt to get you back when she thought she was losing you/had lost you. And don't minimise the hurt you caused her when you "just" stopped talking to her for a few weeks...unless she'd dumped you already, you don't just stop talking to someone you are supposed to be in a loving relationship with-that's hurtful too. Your NC probably made her panic and caused the "lie" about having a boyfriend. Fact is she didn't have one-she still wanted you! The reason I worked this out is I once considered telling my x I had someone new after she dumped me. Because I hoped she might get jealous and want me back. I didn't do it because I thought when she found out I'd lied it would destroy all trust-as obviously happened in your case with your x when you found out about the lie. But the intention was probably not to hurt you. The intention was probably to make you jealous so you would want to get back with her.Maybe I'm wrong, but it makes sense...doesn't it?

[tobetterdays]

my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me and ignored me for 3 weeks..in fact, i have not talked to her since. in that time i sent her roses, wrote her a heartfelt letter, and was completely distraught..her ignoring me was unbearable to take. it makes you feel like 3.5 years of your life was meaningless. so i can relate to how this girl feels and let me tell you, she does not have a chance in hell if she decides to come around again. infact, she will get a taste of her own medicine.

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to go about breaking up with somebody after a long period of time. it is a respect thing. i really don't care what her reasons were for ignoring me, i know she was messing around with some guy. but she did what she did, and made her own bed. and for that, there is no chance of having me in her life again.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

You know Khonny I can see where your ex may be coming from & agree with Ozomega & tobetterdays. The reason I say this is that looking at my situation.

 

When my ex ended it with me, he did not even do it properly & I am still sitting here with no real closure. He just started doing NC with me & avoided speaking to me about anything or letting me know for sure what was going on. If you read back on my latest threads he just broke it off & began ignoring me...and is still today 4 weaks later.

 

I am deeply hurt from this & just so mixed up that he has actually pushed me away. I went into NC and decided not to chase because felt he was treating me horibly by just telling me to leave him alone & go away. This is what has kept me strong on my side of NC for the past 4 weaks. Especially because of how he said I must leave him alone & ignored me so it is like I haven't meant a thing to him after almost 10 years and this is how your ex probably felt when you ignored her.

 

I'm not sure but you probably weren't planning to ignore her for ever & probably still wanted to get back together with her but by treating her the way you did and by ignoring her. You pushed her away & she honestly believed you did not want to be with her anymore. That is what pushed her to saying she had someone even though didn't. She tried to get your attention & tried to get you to change your mind but you ignored her.

 

Khonny I really think that if you love her & want to be with her deep down, you need to see where you went wrong too. It takes 2 & she may have done wrong by saying she had someone but think of how you treated her too. If you loved her she can not be all that a bad person.

 

 

I just wish my ex would realise how he treated me too.

 

 

LostAngel

[tobetterdays]

Lost angel,

your story is almost identical to mine. i feel your pain.

it is also what kept my NC strong for a month now, and it will keep it strong until i am fully over her - no matter if she tries to contact me in the future. we deserved better.. and what goes around, usually comes around harder.

[LostAngel]

Thanks tobetterdays

 

I sent you a PM.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[J25021995]

If it helps, I just got dumped a week back. I've gone NC but there was a faint hope in my heart that he'll come back. That he'll miss me as much as I missed him and he'd come back. But I ran into him yesterday, and he's perfectly fine. He's happy, while I am trying to find some solace in online forums, hoping I'm not the only one. Truth is, he shattered me. And there is a lump on my throat 24 x 7. I don't seem to be able to move on either, while he has moved on happily. I am at peace, no doubt. But i would do anything to have him back.