Is breaking up harder on men??????

[Riggz41510]

I just think for so many of us, that all the time, love and energy you put into a relationship just takes its toll on you when its over..

 

I think its harder on men because we tend to keep all of our feelings and emotions bottled up, and then for us to finally give a person your all and then have it not work out is like going to college and studying for 8 years to become a doctor, but you never ever get the job let alone any job.. How would you be able to tell your children to go to school because that's going to help them in the future? I say that too say our experiences shape and mold us. So if my one experience with "LOVE" failed how can i be optimistic about it in the future? We've(men) been taught since we were kids, to be tough, don't cry not too show emotions..Then to finally do it and have it back fire in our faces.. Its so disheartening!!!

 

I know for me, I have never opened up too a woman because I didn't want to feel vulnerable.. Now I did with my ex and she crushed me. How will I be able to experience love again?? How will I be able to open up to another woman, and know its a possibility she may leave me and I will be back in this boat again.

 

I personally feel that men don't fall in love as often as women, but when we do fall in love we love just as hard if not HARDER!!!

[sumguy]

We walk, we fall, and we stand again, so that we may learn to walk, fall and stand stronger.

 

I personally think the break-up is as hard on both parties, but maybe you're taking it harder not because you're male but because you're having difficulty opening up. It depends on the person, not the gender.

 

And there'll come a time when you'll find someone you'll be able to open up to again, until then hang in there. =)

[joyce1412]

i don't think it's harder on one gender than the other. i think it mostly depends on the type of person. i know women who have gotten over the breakup of a long-term relationship in weeks, and i know a woman who says it took her a full year. it's just different for everyone.

 

TCB, all i can say is that you shouldn't let your experience with a manipulative and unkind woman color your feelings about women in general. there really are a lot of good ones out there. and yeah, it sucks to let down your guard and get hurt, but if the alternative is never finding someone to love for the rest of my life, i'll take letting down my guard any day.

[Riggz41510]

i don't think it's harder on one gender than the other. i think it mostly depends on the type of person. i know women who have gotten over the breakup of a long-term relationship in weeks, and i know a woman who says it took her a full year. it's just different for everyone.

 

TCB, all i can say is that you shouldn't let your experience with a manipulative and unkind woman color your feelings about women in general. there really are a lot of good ones out there. and yeah, it sucks to let down your guard and get hurt, but if the alternative is never finding someone to love for the rest of my life, i'll take letting down my guard any day.

 

Joyce1412,

 

TCB..I love it!!

 

Thank you for the advice.. I know myself and it took me so long to get to the point that I really let her in. I'm just afraid that my next relationship will make it even that much harder..

 

When we started that was my innocent princess.. I held her high on a pedestal.. I just don't think I will be able to love again.. Maybe its just me being so jaded right now.. I hope!!

[annie24]

i may agree with you - i don't know.

 

in general, women tend to have better support systems, girlfriends to discuss every aspect of their private lives, so they may have an easier time getting back on their feet after a breakup. that and society is better with us spilling our guts and letting out our emotions.

 

however, like joyce said, it depends on the person.

 

eNotalone is good for that purpose - to get your feelings out and to feel supported in return. I think it is good for everyone to have a support system.

[HOPELESSINCT]

I think it is harder when you are the one that was dumped. All those feelings that you have, I have had too. It's hard to open up, trust, then we do and get hurt by that person. Will I ever be able to do that again? It's just hard and disheartening. I like the way joyce1412 thinks and I hope one day I can have that outlook but right now, just like you, I'm not there. Hang in there, take care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

[Gator]

In general (all generalizations are just that, they are not true 100% of the time, but there is a pattern), I agree with annie. I remember in one of my psychology classes we talked about how much easier it was for female widows to get on with their life versus men who had lost their wives to death.

 

It has been a long time, so I don't remember the exact numbers, but when a wife dies, the husband dies a lot sooner than the opposite scenario. The reason that was cited is exactly the one that annie mentions, women tend to have better support systems.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Exactly what you said. We keep it in, and think we are above crying and it's just too much to keep in. We make it harder on ourselves.

[Riggz41510]

i may agree with you - i don't know.

 

in general, women tend to have better support systems, girlfriends to discuss every aspect of their private lives, so they may have an easier time getting back on their feet after a breakup. that and society is better with us spilling our guts and letting out our emotions.

 

however, like joyce said, it depends on the person.

 

eNotalone is good for that purpose - to get your feelings out and to feel supported in return. I think it is good for everyone to have a support system.

 

Yes.. i have plenty of guy friends and I would never cry in front of them.. But my one female friend i will ball my eyes out in front of her.. I am so thankful to have her and ENA in my life..

[Riggz41510]

Exactly what you said. We keep it in, and think we are above crying and it's just too much to keep in. We make it harder on ourselves.

 

It just seems like people will view us as weak. One day I was crying and my daughter walked in on me..She is 5.. She walked over to me rubbed my head and said "daddy it will be OK".. I wonder if she thought.."daddy isn't supposed to be crying"?

[Riggz41510]

I think it is harder when you are the one that was dumped. All those feelings that you have, I have had too. It's hard to open up, trust, then we do and get hurt by that person. Will I ever be able to do that again? It's just hard and disheartening. I like the way joyce1412 thinks and I hope one day I can have that outlook but right now, just like you, I'm not there. Hang in there, take care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

 

To make matters worse.. i went back twice and both times it failed with her.. I don't know if I will take the time and energy to invest in another relationship again.. A BIG REASON I opened up to my ex was because of my daughter.. I thought well hell if I'm going to be open to any woman, why not her?? We will have to have some type of relationship for the rest of our lives..

 

I don't plan on having more children so I guess it wont happen again

[desertnomad]

I think women find it easier in some ways because its easier for women to get dates or attract the opposite sex than it is for most guys. It makes moving on easier.

[blemished]

Whoa! I am a woman and the men I have been with seem to have had it easy breaking up with me. It takes me usually the minimum of 1 year to recover from a breakup from a serious relationship. I do not have a support system, as I am not "girly" and do not enjoy girly pursuits.

 

However, I don't think a support system is the answer-- it helps to have good friends, but I think what makes a difference is early childhood experiences. Humans who were abandoned or had early childhood trauma, suffer from social and/or emotional disorders, or are highly selective due to being different than most persons, are MUCH more likely to have a difficult time with breakups.

 

Lastly, 20 men for every woman is untrue (um, there are actually more women on Earth than men), and quantity certainly does not equal quality! For example, I for one have trouble meeting anyone I like; I once went 4 whole years without a relationship because I just didn't meet anyone I liked.

[blemished]

I don't know why more women don't use dating online-- but it should be considered that a LOT of the male ads you see are actually TAKEN men!!!

 

That said, I am female and had zero success with online dating this time around. A few years ago, I had a lot of success. It seems harder than ever to meet anyone.

[annie24]

yeah, I too have seen a lot of men online that I know, in real life, are married.

[loveisaparadox]

Women definitely have better support systems, although it is our own fault for not establishing the same for ourselves. I was having problems with my girlfriend for some months during her pregnancy (in fact, we had already broken up once). We went to a counsellor after the breakup to discuss co-parenting, and he made a very accurate remark: by the time she told me "we're breaking up," she had already broken up quite some time ago in her mind. In discussing the pending breakup with her support group, she was already in recovery mode by the time it actually happened. Her mother had even promised to finance her own apartment months before! So we were on totally different pages when the breakup happened, which I believe made it much more difficult, for me.

 

As you know, I have a young child as well. To be fair, the mother gets the lion's share of work with a young child. But emotionally, I think being a single parent is more disturbing for the father, because it activates the primal male doubt (and fear) of not being the father (i.e., the fear of a new man arriving in your ex's life and taking your place). The primal fear I am referring to comes from this: the mother knows she is the mother, the child came out of her afterall. But short of a DNA test (and even with a test) the father will always have that primal doubt - even if it is only on a subconscious level. We cannot bear the child - we only provide the seed. I think this primal fear goes into overdrive when faced with the very real situation of another male 'entering the nest'. Our fatherhood is threatened.