Powerless over Addiction

[Steven1607307306]

I have an addictive personality, and I know this. Almost my entire family has/had some sort of addiction whether it be drugs, alcohol, or anything else. I've found myself Getting off of one thing and turning to another. I can't stop, and it's killing me inside.

 

I feel liike part of me wants to drop everything and stop forever, yet another part of me ignores it and I do things without even thinking about it. What the hell is wrong with my mind? I feel like my mind is out to get me, like it's against me. I have a strong will to quit, but at the same time it's weak, because I always run back to it.

 

I feel like if I'm not doing something harmful to my body, then I go insane. I probably am insane. But to hell with meds, psychiatrists, ect. How do I stop addiction?

 

By the way, please don't say to substitute it with "Reading" or "Running".

[brando]

Well i think you have taken the first step. Admitting your powerless. All i can offer is to have the awareness of why you choose to be addictive, and try other alternatives to avoid that pitfall. I wont suggest reading or running, that is your job to figure out what you need to do.

 

But your at step 1...best of luck.

[nottoogreen]

OK, sorry if I should annoy you by making you read, I can delete the post if you wish.

 

There are addictions, compulsions and combinations of both.

 

I am an ex smoker, I was addicted to Nicotin. However, sometimes I look for cigarettes, especially after meal or when having a drink, which is compulsive behavior. Thus you want to think what is your pattern, what are your triggers.

 

Also tell us more about your family, what hurt, angers you. What you miss. Talk, TALK, the more the better!

 

Please also learn and remember this:

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• All you can be is a loving healthy being to another loving healthy being. Being can be combinations of Parent/Child, Partner, Friend, Lover and Master/dog.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

[LostInMyThoughts]

What exactly are you addicted to?

[Steven1607307306]

Well I lived with my mother for the first 15 years of my life. For as long as I can remember she was addicted to meth. I started smoking weed at age 12, and cigarettes at 13. I started experimenting withe very drug I could get my hands on around 14-15. Social Services had me move accross the country to live with my father because my mom had "emotion/physical abuse, neglect/abandonment, and drug abuse" towards me. So I moved to Virginia, and I stopped everything cold turkey for a little over a year. I soon wanted to move back with my mother, because she had rehabilitated, and I had never lived in the same place for a whole year and it was killing me.

 

All together I've lived in 15 different homes, and went to 13 schools, and I still didn't graduate. I dropped out last year, and got my GED. About a year ago, I started smoking weed again, then I got caught. I continued even though court was giving me regular drug screens, and I started cutting myself as well. Well when I finally got expelled from school/dropped out, I ran away to New Mexico, where I had entered myself in a half-way house. I ran from there, and went to an old city I used to live in. There I did various drugs, until finally I was ready to call my father and come to the only place I could call home.

 

Well I've been here for a little over a month, and everything was going well up until about a week ago, when I started huffing, and cutting. For some reason it seems to be a pattern for me.

 

I try to find triggers for me, but I really can't pin anything down. Everything was PERFECT 2 weeks ago. Then I guess...idk. I just started huffing, I got caught doing that so I started cutting. My dad just saw the cuts this morning and blew up, saying I was ruining his life. I feel really guilty for letting my father down time after time. I told him that I can just stop, and not do ANYTHING, but he doesn't believe me, and he has good reason not to.

 

I think that if I start hanging out with my soon to be girlfriend, then I will stop, because it seems like the only time I'm not doing this stupid crap is when I have someone to care for. I feel like I need responsibility in order to be responsible...

 

wow maybe that's it?

[Steven1607307306]

What exactly are you addicted to?

 

To list everything I have been addicted to...

 

Coke, Meth, Oxycottin, Xanax, Cutting, Sex, Gambiling, Weed, Cigarettes, Gasoline, Drinking.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Well I hope you're not going to do anything dumb like have a kid just to quit your addictions.

 

Seriously, find a counselor. A good one. Not the quacks that work at schools, or who are provided by the court.

 

A good counselor cares about you, and doesn't make you feel ashamed about your behaviour. Instead they try to help you identify what things trigger your behaviour, and help you with tools to try and overcome them.

 

I suspect that just from what you wrote, that a) you have a lot of unresolved issues from your mother and b) you have a genetic predisposition to addiction because of your mother, and possibly other family members.

 

I see it, you're 17 and have your GED. That's actually pretty good. That puts you in a different catagory of people that have to dealwith addiction. I know plenty of kids with similar stories that don't have high school education. If you can make some inroads on some of your issues, there is nothing to stop you from going to college (don't say money is an issue or I'll reach through your monitor and choke you out).

 

Have you tried looking at addiction support groups? It's like working out. Even though it's up to you to get your butt to the gym, having a work out partner helps motivate you, and can give you that extra boost when you feel like you can't go on. Getting someone to help and support you might just be what you need to get clean.

[Anna.]

There just isn't a quick fix.

Regardless how you do it, it takes hard work.

 

I've overcame addiction, and like you I have a highy addictive personality. It was hard, it took me really hurting myself and causing myself a hell of a lotta pain before I had the strength to quit. I hate to see someone else go down the same road I went down, cause it sucked.

 

But the best thing I know to tell you to do is to stay busy. You know? Do other stuff. Whatever you do for fun or that's productive, just whatever to keep yourself too busy for to have time for all that. Going back to college is what I finally had to do to stay busy. And I met my current LD bf who is 27 and had went down that road as well. And he refuses to tolerate drug abuse. So maybe if you had a friend or a gf you could lean on, somebody to be your cheerleader and tell you you can do it, you know?

 

You gotta want to get straight too. You've gotta do it for you, cause if you try to straighten up for anybody but yourself, then your freedom from addiction will be tied to that person. Your freedom from addiction is all yours.

 

You need motivation, someone supporting you, and something to occupy your time.

[nottoogreen]

I try to find triggers for me, but I really can't pin anything down. Everything was PERFECT 2 weeks ago. Then I guess...idk. I just started huffing,

Me thinks you were overthinking, wanna forget?

 

Huffing is a big issue, please stay away from it.

I got caught doing that so I started cutting.

Why, punishment, defiance, or forget pain?

My dad just saw the cuts this morning and blew up, saying I was ruining his life.

I feel with your dad, please understand that he can't understand you, he can only love the healthy you, he can't be your therapist.

 

He may start to hate himself if you go on like that!

I feel really guilty for letting my father down time after time. I told him that I can just stop, and not do ANYTHING, but he doesn't believe me, and he has good reason not to.

You can, but you must resolve the past in your mind or it the vicious circle will continue!

I think that if I start hanging out with my soon to be girlfriend, then I will stop, because it seems like the only time I'm not doing this stupid crap is when I have someone to care for. I feel like I need responsibility in order to be responsible...

You need purpose, everyone needs purpose! Where your gf stays?

wow maybe that's it?

In a way yes, but you need to take more more time and talk more. Learn the guide from previous post please and remember your dad and gf if you want to huff and cut and perform mental survival activites or exercise instead!

 

Somehow I feel you staying with dad is better, I am not sure though.

 

Talk to your dad, bond more with him, hold him, tell him you need him!

 

And perhaps start a Journal here to resolve your issues.

 

And keep talking please.

[Dako]

Some people believe they have an addictive personality, while it may the result of peer or family reinforcement to use substances.

 

In my younger years I got into some nasty habits and imagined I craved those things because of a weakness for them. Your brain chemistry can make you feel weak against these enticements, but only while you're using. Sadly the only way to discover your strength is to quit, and hang out with folks with heathier habits.

 

Drugs lie to you, especially when you try to quit. At that point, everybody doubts their strength in some way and it's a short hop to believing you're hard-wired for addiction.

 

In my case, I was tired of feeling at odds with life, and in misery. I dumped some friends/connections and found other things to do.

Luckily, I avoided new addictions like running.

 

I hope you can find a way out of this bt having faith in yourself. You probably have undiscovered strengths like most younger guys, and just need to see them. Wish I had skipped the drug scene years ago and stayed in school.

 

Please treat yourself to a good future. You can do it.

[Allie.]

well since you have an addictive personality, your energies must be coming from within you and right now, i think they're devoted to what you believe as being "wrong". The point is, your energies are not going to disappear. So don't focus on making them "disappear". The motive, I think, should be getting help from your friends or a counselor, and devoting those energies in a more positive direction.

[shelly7]

You don't give yourself enough credit, you've been through a lot. I had a parent that had a drug problem when I was your age, it was miserable.

Don't get turned off, but the old cliché comes to mind, that which doesn't kill us, only makes us a stronger. Definitely, the case with you! I can hear your inner strength just by the tone of your writing. You said it yourself, you need more responsibilities. YOU'RE BORED with life because you're not being challenged, which leads to idle time, which leads to too much thinking which leads to destructive behavior. You're an articulate and intelligent guy. You are the type of guy that needs to be over stimulated! You need to be taking college classes (a full load!) and you need to be working. Once you refocus and find a career path that you actually are passionate about and want to pursue, you’re going to be unstoppable! That’s a promise!!

[annie24]

I think you sound like a smart young man, and I think you are on the right track. first, you know that you have a tendency to fall into things that are bad for you. what to do next? I don't know - I think you should talk with a counselor or therapist though. try to "re-wire" your brain so that you learn how to control your behaviors.

 

for example, when you are stressed, instead of reaching for a drink, take a walk, play some music, etc... it is unfortunate, but you will have to work harder than the rest of us do to avoid temptations. you sound like you are a smart man with a lot to offer - I know you can do it. find help.

[Steven1607307306]

I just had a talk with my father, and he told me that I'm thinking too deeply into my problems. I need to try and find a way to get my mind clear. It's very hard, I've always been a thinker. No matter what I do. THe only thing that really keeps me from thinking is playing guitar, and writing. For some reason I'm just not in the mood to do either at the moment. I'm basically feeling like my life is just meant to be an example for a nightmare of a teenager. I feel like my life is from a "Lifetime" movie.

 

I think about others and just imagine them seeing my life on a movie and saying, "God, I wonder if there really are people like that out there." It disgusts me. I'm tired of the angst, and my belligerent attitude towards moral rules.

 

I guess I just need time and try to set my mind into another place. My brain is in a rut at the moment and I can't stop thinking about the same old crap.

[annie24]

I don't think you're thinking too much. Thinking is good. Look at outside perspectives also. As you said your father has a history of addiction himself, maybe he isn't always the best person to talk to.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Steven - I sympathise with you. I really do.

 

First of all, as someone who has gone through an AA program, let me assure you, you are NOT powerless.

 

I have never liked that very first step from the word go. You are NOT powerless. You have all the power of control over your life.

 

You are a thinker. Use that to your advantage but not to the point of inactivity. DO also.

 

If you are already aware that you are more likely to fall victim to things that are addicting, it is well within your POWER to get away or stay away from those things. You are already ahead of the game in that you know your strengths and weaknesses.

 

Please, recognise the powers you have and use them.

[Steven1607307306]

Actually my dad DOESN'T have an addiction. It's my mother, two aunts, two uncles, and grandfather. My dad is one of the few in my family who has had no history of addiction.

[Steven1607307306]

Steven - I sympathise with you. I really do.

 

First of all, as someone who has gone through an AA program, let me assure you, you are NOT powerless.

 

I have never liked that very first step from the word go. You are NOT powerless. You have all the power of control over your life.

 

You are a thinker. Use that to your advantage but not to the point of inactivity. DO also.

 

If you are already aware that you are more likely to fall victim to things that are addicting, it is well within your POWER to get away or stay away from those things. You are already ahead of the game in that you know your strengths and weaknesses.

 

Please, recognise the powers you have and use them.

 

I actually despise the AA program. It works for some people and good for them, but they think that it works for EVERYBODY. But it doesn't. Just because it worked 100% for them, doesn't mean everyone has the same thought process. and BTW more tha haf the people in those meetings are BS'ers. I know that for a fact.

[nottoogreen]

Hi steven,

 

Good you can talk to your dad!

 

Great you talked to your dad!

 

Here is a thread by kita, it may help you understand about overthinking: Our World

 

Let us know what you think and feel about it.

[annie24]

ah, sorry - I didn't know your dad wasn't an addict. well, no matter, it's ok to overthink things once in a while

[Steven1607307306]

Hi steven,

 

Good you can talk to your dad!

 

Great you talked to your dad!

 

Here is a thread by kita, it may help you understand about overthinking: Our World

 

Let us know what you think and feel about it.

 

I read the thread and for the most part, I really can't help it. I have never been able to be simple. I sometimes wonder if I am doing all of this to my mind, just so I can stop thinking so much. I feel like I subliminally want to dumb down. I feel like my mind twists something simple into something so complex I can't even use words to explain it. The only thing that keeps my mind from thinking is music/writing. I have to be doing oine because when I do either one, I never think...I just DO.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I actually despise the AA program. It works for some people and good for them, but they think that it works for EVERYBODY. But it doesn't. Just because it worked 100% for them, doesn't mean everyone has the same thought process.

 

totally agree. and that's my point. it DOESN'T work for everyone. And straight away they tell you to admit your powerless???

 

What other empowerment program tells you from the onset that your powerless??

 

But I agree, those it does work for should stay with it.

[nottoogreen]

Stephen,

 

I feel with you but change is cure!

 

What are you thinking about? I like to read lots.