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Want your ex back? Then stopping chasing!


kohnny

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Want your ex back? Then stop chasing them!

 

From my own experience as a dumper it IS possible to reverse the decision of the dumper and even for the dumpee to regain the upper hand and even make the dumper chase the very person they dumped. How? Read on for a real life case study.

 

I was the dumper. My g/f behaved in a way that really made me feel deeply offended. In actual fact I over reacted to the situation and made it far worse than it needed to have been. My g/f made various attempts to put things right. She did try to make up with me, I'll give her that. But, and here's the thing…..I GOT STUCK IN A MODE OF ANGER that was fuelled by her chasing me.

 

Although I did feel deeply for my g/f, I think her attempts to win me back gave me a false sense of security and in a way I kind of enjoyed having her chase me to win me back. I thought she will always be there. She will always want me. I will make her wait. Make her work to get me back. I became so consumed with my feelings of anger that I actually liked the feeling. I liked the feelings of having my g/f chase me and I enjoyed the knowledge that I was hurting her because she hurt me. I wanted to make her pay for the pain she caused me. THE MORE SHE CHASED ME THE MORE I WANTED HER TO WORK HARDER TO GET ME BACK AND THE MORE SHE CHASED ME THE LESS INCLINED I WAS TO WANT HER BACK.

 

I felt in control of her and the situation and I loved it. I was king of the hill. I was the man. I actually began to not want her back. Her chasing me filled me with such a sense of power and made me think I was highly desirable that I could do better than her. My girlfriend's attempts to win me back made me see her as weak and in need of me. However, at the time although I was thinking these things I was thinking them at a subconscious level. By chasing me my g/f gave me a false sense of security that everything will be OK when I want it to be. I will be able to return to her if and when I want to. I was so self assured because of my ex chasing me that I actually joined an internet dating site. I started chatting to women and enjoyed it. I even had my eyes on one particular woman on the site and was making a play for her.

 

THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED

 

My g/f suddenly stopped chasing me. She sent a final text message saying she would never contact me again. I waited but she didn't get back in touch. After several weeks of not hearing from her it began to sink in that my g/f had actually stopped wanting me. The feelings of worth and being desirable started to diminish. I started to think more and more about her. Started to miss the attention. Then over a further period of weeks I started to miss her and reflect on what a great person she was and how much I had enjoyed the relationship with her.

 

I believed in my mind that she was probably sitting at home missing me and wishing that she was still with me. So, I sent her a text message one night. She did respond but it took her half an hour to do so. Her response was a negative one. She basically said that I had chose to walk out of her life and she respected that decision and wished me well.

 

WOW! That blew me away. She was no longer chasing me. She had given up on me. I sent her another text asking if she missed me. She replied back, 'Yes, but I no longer want to be in a relationship with you'.

 

From that moment on all my feelings changed instantly. I felt the blood run down into my legs. I had been rejected! She was no longer there for me. No longer wanted to be with me. I immediately became desperate. I phoned her at home. She sounded different. She sounded hard and cold towards me. She said she would not see me again and that it was over between us.

 

From that moment onwards I was devastated. My whole world came crashing down on me. I realised that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I suddenly realised that I actually loved this woman and didn't realise that until I had lost her. I made several other attempts at reconciling with her but to no avail. I guess I gave her the same feelings of power that she gave to me. She was now queen of the hill. Or, I hurt her so much by rejecting her and made her work too hard at getting me back that her view of me changed and she no longer considered me to be a good man.

 

In the end the dumper became the dumpee. The impact of losing her has had profound effects on me. That was 7 months ago. I am still on anti-depressants, still don't sleep properly, still don't eat properly and still cry at least once a day.

 

Was I a stupid man? Oh yes. Was I so full of myself? Absolutely. Why? Because my g/f was chasing me and that gave me a sense of security that propelled me to behave in the way I did towards her.

 

So, the advice about not chasing your ex is SO TRUE. It can be counter productive and actually push them away or make them behave in a way that is not how they really feel but they become confused themselves. By chasing them you may be giving them a false sense of security that leads them to behave in a similar way to the way I behaved.

 

If you want to improve your chances of getting your ex back then make an attempt once to work things out. After you have been dumped have ONE adult conversation with them and ask if things can be resolved. If they say no then tell them you respect their decision and wish them well. This sentence alone may have the desired effect and have them regretting their decision within days or weeks.

 

By having no further contact with your dumper you will be sending out a message to them that they are not THAT important to you and this may drain them of their confidence and this may in turn get them to realise how nice you made them feel about themselves when you were both together.

 

If like me, your ex was caught in a mode of anger or caught up in their own feelings of self-worth , by chasing them you may be reinforcing their need to remain angry at you etc. take away the fuel (you chasing them) and the fire of anger or over inflated feeling of worth they have will be dampened and they may start to see things differently.

 

If your ex does contact you again but their message isn't clearly stating that they want to get back with you then remind them that they chose to end the relationship and you respect their decision and wish to get on with your life and ask them not to contact you again. If your ex subconsciously wants to be with you but has become confused or caught in a mode of thought, then this statement alone may well break that mode of thought they are caught in and make them see reality…..THAT THEY HAVE LOST YOU. This is a very powerful awakening for them.

 

Think of it this way. If your ex doesn't want to be with you (hence the reason for dumping you) then making this statement wont make any difference to them, i.e. they wont change their mind, but at least you will know that in a way you kind of dumped them back and did it in an adult manner. However, if your ex subconsciously or even consciously wants to be back with you but for whatever reason was holding back then making this statement may well 'jolt' them into a more realistic frame of mind and cause them to go into panic mode and do the very thing you want them to do, i.e. ask to get back with you.

 

TRY ONCE TO RECONCILE….WALK AWAY…STOP ALL CONTACT….CRY….BREAK YOUR HEART…. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO RECOVER….BUT NEVER…..EVER….CHASE….IT'S COUNTER PRODUCTIVE.

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This is pure genius, and I honestly and truthfully agree with EVERYTHING said here. I only wish that I did what the EXACT thing that you are saying here.

 

Unfortunately, like all too many of us, I chased, and they simply replaced.

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Hmm...interesting post. I have heard different kinds of advice though. For example, I have heard that if you want to reconcile it is best to be agreeable and cheerful if/when your ex contacts you (as opposed to cold) and to make them feel like they are free to do whatever they want to do, including contact you (of course, that doesn't mean you have to answer right away). I think not declaring NC but simply doing it and making one's self less available and more confident can also have a similar effect.

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Hey. Insightful and good post overall.

 

Just wanted to comment on one thing:

Was I a stupid man? Oh yes. Was I so full of myself? Absolutely. Why? Because my g/f was chasing me and that gave me a sense of security that propelled me to behave in the way I did towards her.

 

I think, with some time and further healing, even all this will become void.

What I mean is: at a certain point, the power struggle and anticipation of how the other will react dissolves.

You can just do what you do, make decisions based on yourself and the situation, and that is it.

How the other acts, feels, and decides is their choice - nothing we do or say determines it.

 

In your quote you say "Why? Bc my gf..."

Really, is that so?

Or is it that there was a little spot in you that was insecure or needed attention to begin with, and her response simply amplified it enough to bring it into your awareness and play it out to its conclusion?

 

More and more I really feel like it comes down to ourselves.

The relationships we choose, the dynamics, the people we love: reflections of ourselves.

Relationships can be great learning experiences for how we are in this world, and what is going on inside us as people.

I think you learned a lot, eh!

 

But, yeah, I do agree with you that chasing is a bad idea.

It's kind of like rushing in to fill up a hole that you do not want to accept is there. I still chase to a degree, but i'm learning.

 

peace

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I have a question though.

 

With me. Yeah I got really clingy, sad, pathetic, needy...texted all the time. We weren't really in a relationship, but we fell hard for each other...and her life got really complicated ( not a lie from her, it was true) and she needed space and all that....so I got really attached and depressed.

 

I said alot of really embarrassing things.

 

When I told her I was going to delete her number, I said I was sorry for the way I had acted and she said she was sorry too. She had just gotten done yelling at me for being dramatic...and literally the next thing I read from her she's apologizing...wishing me luck and stuff....after I told her I was deleting her number...

 

But I didn't quite do it the way I think I should have. I still reassured her how desperate I was and how lonely I felt...which was true but a mistake to let her know that. I said all of this at the same time I told her I was deleting her number.

 

I said "maybe it was wrong to pursure you because of the bad timing" or whatever. but I never said "I'm over it, it's done".

 

I acted, well like a lunatic really. I'm rather embarrassed about how I got.

 

It's been 2.5 months of NC. Not one word from her, not one word from me.

 

Did I screw up my chances by being so desperate in the final e-mail, even though I told her I was deleting her number?

 

Or does it just sometimes take a really long time to hear back from them?

 

Maybe she just never cared about me that much in the first place?

 

2.5 months seems like a long time.

 

I'm just aching for the day when she'll call me and I'll have the chance to regain the control and make her chase me a little. Do you think it's been too long without a word from her?

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good post 8-)

 

nobody is perfect - leftbehind, you just went with your heart. believe me all those questions will keep poppin up in your mind even if you somehow found answers to them.

 

Leave it for time being and try hard concentratin on the direction your life must take. No Contact and that not the chasin part doesn't work always it works for some.

 

Once you start enjoyin your life without her thats when u might be in for a surprise, work on you and your weaknesses....i am sure then life will smile at ya.

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Guest, there is no guarantee to anything in this life. But, if they dont want to be with you again then by not chasing them you have saved your dignity. If they do want to be back with you but perhaps dont realise that yet then by not chasing them, by making the statement 'I respect your decision to end the relationship and I wish you well' and then break off all contact you are sending out a wake up call to them. Do not contact them again. If they do contact you in the future say they ended the relationship and you want to move on with your life. This may or may not put them in the panic mode. But it's better to adopt this position and make them do the running to get you back (and they will if they really want you) rather than you chase them and they dont want to be with you again. So, in a sense its a win win situation. You either save your dignity or you win them back.

 

NEVER CHASE....NEVER CHASE.....ITS COUNTER PRODUCTIVE.

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Maybe the best thing is to try and move on with life, and let go. I know it's hard (I'm trying to adopt this philosophy myself!), but I'm starting to think that even if you really want to get back together with someone, if you're spending the time hoping/waiting, then even if you do get back together, having not allowed yourself to let go completely, you'll both end up thinking of the new relationship in terms of the old one. Whatever doubts or insecurities were there before, they'll be there in the new one.

 

Of course, should you get back together with someone it's likely that you'll need to talk about what went wrong last time, but at least by letting go properly and healing yourself, you can talk more openly and objectively about the past, acknowledging that that was who you were then, whilst this is who you are now.

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Guest, if she hasn't contacted you in two months despite your efforts to contact her then there are a few possibilities to consider.

 

1. They are dead.

 

2. They are in hospital

 

3. They have moved on

 

Stop all contact now as you have tried for several months. Unless of course you are concerned for their safety etc in that case is there no one else you can contact who knows them who can let you know if they are OK?

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3 weeks into my NC and getting stronger all the time. Like a bad physical wound, you notice it more in the early days, it hurts and aches but as time goes by, it slowly turns into a scar, if you stop picking at it.

 

Eventually, it will hardly be noticeable and it become another one of those things that makes me who I am.

 

I learn from my mistakes, not my successes. I won't go sticking my hand into that fire again.

 

When you stop chasing, would you still wait for them?

Would you go out and date others?

 

No and Yes and I am.

 

I chased during a crtical point in the relationship and it pushed her away so I am certainly not chasing now. She can think what she likes, the fact is she doesn't know what I am doing and probably doesn't care that much. If she does, I'll know about it sooner or later.

 

I cannot lose her because she was never mine, just an aspiration though I doubt I will ever want anything so badly again. Then again, I am such a sucker for pretty women and soft words 8-)

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I felt in control of her and the situation and I loved it. I was king of the hill. I was the man. I actually began to not want her back. Her chasing me filled me with such a sense of power and made me think I was highly desirable that I could do better than her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post this. This was the behaviour of my ex. The control and devaluation (and public humiliation, in my case) of that which she could have because she chased and it was offered to her.

 

As soon as she had me emotionally she started shopping around. She has an over-inflated opinion of herself at the moment. It is a small community with little significant competition in her bit of the pond.

 

As soon as I realised what was going on, I went NC, no discussion, it was too obvious an insult to me to bother explaining.

 

For a while I thought it was my low self-esteem but I have been looking back at her sense of self and your story pans out much more closely with the facts.

 

She has few female friends, always seeking some kind of male attention, approaching casual male aquaintances and chatting for too long when we were on a date. I walked out one night and she was straight over to regain control. Always wanting to meet in her local bar. Texting me to find out what I was up to. Even driving miles to spend just an hour with me if I didn't respond favourably to a tug on the line. Kicking like crazy when she thought I wanted to dump her.

 

All this in hindsight, of course, but these were the things that made me unhappy. But I fell for her and it has taken a long time for me to understand these things.

 

At the moment she probably thinks I am sulking, but as her suitors drop away - because she will play the same games with them, she may come around. She might.

 

If not, I wish her all the luck in the world, for as we sow the wind.... so we shall reap the whirlwind.

 

Me? I am busy looking in bigger ponds.

 

Thanks again for helping me break through some of this stuff with your post.

 

River Dog

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  • 5 years later...

I must say, that I do not agree. My ex did not do any chasing (beside one very nice and not at all begging letter) and I still did not change my mind about the decision to break up.

Now he has moved on. I admire him because of that, but that´s all.

 

It is true of course, that if he had done any pushing or chasing, my feelings would be a bit negative. But otherwise the result is the same...

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Chase, don't chase. Go NC, don't go NC. Play all the games in the world. It doesn't change the fact that they have to want to come back because they actually love and miss you and no amount of gamesmanship will change that one fact.

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I must say, that I do not agree. My ex did not do any chasing (beside one very nice and not at all begging letter) and I still did not change my mind about the decision to break up.

Now he has moved on. I admire him because of that, but that´s all.

 

It is true of course, that if he had done any pushing or chasing, my feelings would be a bit negative. But otherwise the result is the same...

 

I think that the story in this thread is about people who are not sure if they want or don't want the break up. You had made up your mind. Whatever he had done, you would not go back to him. Correct? Then your story doesn't fall in the category of this story.

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Foolish: He has done nothing, I just did not feel love anymore (we were LDR and the long time between seeing each other has just allowed my feelings to slowly disappear). It was that simple.

 

I think, that because the break up was not because of some huge argument or hurtful behaviour, theoreticaly there was quite a big chance to reconcile and nothing happened anyway...

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