A disaster

[renaissancewoman101]

I am glad everybody else's dates went well. Mines was a disaster. I dont ever want to do this again. And now I know one thing, my height is a real BIG disadvantage. Also, I dont fit the typical profile of a Chinese person (demure, small, facial features). I figured that one out.

 

We met at a coffee shop not too far from me. He was nervous at first meeting. I think he was a bit surprised at my height. He seemed like he had that "deer in the headlights" look. We talked for a bit, which wasnt too bad. I found him interesting. Kind of nerdy, computer geek guy. In the beginning I was kinda of nervous, but after a bit of time, I can talk. He asked me the basic questions and vice versa. Asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, etc. Made a comment about me looking more Filipino than Chinese. Talked about what we did for fun, work, etc.

 

Then he nervously looked at me and said I didnt fit what he was looking for in a date. He said he liked honesty so he told me up front. Then he fled the scene.

 

It's a cold, cruel world out there. After he left, I sat there dumbfounded. Then I drove over to Coronado and sat by the beach and cried my heart out. Some college was having a religious retreat out by the beach and I spent some time listening to some people play religious tunes on a guitar.

 

I am not cut out for this. I am trying to straighten my life and this hurt a lot. I dont want to date. I dont want to deal with people anymore. I miss T a lot. I rather go back to him than deal with people anymore.

 

I rather feel safe than feel hurt. I called his mother tonight and cried to her. She feels bad for me and talked to me for awhile. She asked me if people are like that out here. I told her "I dont know".

 

I have no friends.

 

I have no life.

 

I hate myself.

 

My mother was right about my height. It is a detriment to me.

[rose2summer]

Oh renaissancewoman, I am sorry to hear your date didn't go as planned. He sounds like a jerk and one you wouldn't want in your life anyways.

When he said

"Then he nervously looked at me and said I didnt fit what he was looking for in a date. He said he liked honesty so he told me up front. Then he fled the scene."

 

What exactly did he say? Did he actually mention your height or are you reading into things?

 

Maybe it isn't time to enter the dating scence. Don't rush. Just focus on being you without a man.

[hosswhispra]

Ren,

 

This dating thing is a numbers game. But if you keep on doing it, you will hit the "target". There will be some guys that have chemistry for you and you won't have chemistry for them. It goes both ways. Hang in there.

 

If I gave up horseback riding the first time I fell off of a horse, I would have never experienced the joy that I experience now when I ride horses. I am going to take this philosophy with me into the dating world.

 

hoss

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - I hate that you sound like that. I'm really sorry your date went so horribly for you but try to see the positives here. There really are some.

 

First of all, be glad and thankful that he didn't waste your time pretending there was something there when there wasn't.

 

There are a lot of guys who adore shorter women, or so my husband tells me. Besides, height is not like hair color, there is NOTHING you can do to make yourself taller or shorter.

 

PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. You are a very attractive and wonderful person. I would like to consider you a friend and I hope you consider me one.

 

I understand that things get lonely and depressing but you CAN'T get discouraged. You CAN'T! You can't get defeated at 33. I won't let you.

[coollady1957]

Ren, I am sorry your date didn't go as well as you had hoped for. It certainly is a weird place to be trying to get into the dating scene again.

 

I have times where I think I want to give up trying, and then there are times I keep telling myself to give it a chance.

 

I agree with Ta_ree-saw, in that you are being way too hard on yourself. You are much more attractive and cute than you give yourself credit for.

[renaissancewoman101]

Rose2summer, he never mentioned my height. But I have that sixth sense in me when it comes to detecting people who have issues with my height. That is one thing I am very sensitive about. That alarm went off when I first met him and he looked at me. I could tell that he was surprised about how tiny I am. The thing is I am tiny and that is a good thing since a lot of Asian women (Chinese) are tiny. BUT, I am also husky or what you would call stout. Most Asian women are not stout like me. They are thin, small and waifish.

 

He did make a comment about me looking more like a Filipino than a Chinese lady.

 

I am not mad that he was honest with me. I like honesty. But, what he said about my features bothered me. Also, his reaction to me when he first met me, bothered me.

 

I am very lonely out here. I want a relationship with someone. But I dont think I am ready for it either.

 

This really hurt my self-esteem, and I wasnt really into the guy either, but rejection hurts anyhow.

[ElektraHere]

RW,

 

Dont feel so bad about. So you didnt fit his type, you cant tell me some guys have never fit your type? I think that you need to put the dating on hold, DO NOT CONTACT T, and let the meds and therapy sink in.

 

People are cruel and you know what? That is a fact that you will have to face as we all do in our day to day workings.

 

You need to have a stronger impression of yourself if not you will be in tears constantly. I know I am working on this myself. I have my good days and my bad days.

 

Give up on the dating for now but not forever.

[ElektraHere]

 

 

I am very lonely out here. I want a relationship with someone. But I dont think I am ready for it either.

 

quote]

 

RW

 

I gotta ask why are you staying in Cali when you obviously are miserable? T is not in your life anymore (at least I hope), you dont want to be around your family all that much, and you dont have a job. Why not go back East where you had a life, friends, job, etc?

[rose2summer]

RW, you are reading into that way too much. You are a beautiful woman inside and out (and I can really say inside because you have really been a good friend to me here on enotalone and you are a very loving person). You know what, when I met my ex, we had met online, he told me to my face that I was too tall, I had brown hair, he expected black, I was dressed too professionally and not classy enough for him, I had green eyes, he expected brown, my torso was too long, ok the list goes on. To other men, I have never received a criticism so my ego took a blow. These men are jerks, my ex sure was, and I wish I had listened to his criticisms and never seen him again, but my point is that this guy wasn't the guy for you. There isn't chemistry between everyone, it will be between a rare few, so hang in there, we have all been told what you have, not everyone will love us for who we are, but that won't make us give up. I love hoss's analogy about the horse, that you just don't get off and stop trying, keep at it when you are ready to. Hugs my dear friend.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am staying out here for the time being because I have family out here.

 

I dont hate my life completely out here.

 

I just feel very alone and like no one likes me.

 

My mother was right about my height.

 

That will do me in.

[ElektraHere]

You think like that you will be doomed. I am sorry but I am not going to candycoat this. You let what your mother's venomous words penetrate you, your life will be VERY hard for you. I think its time you quit the pity party and rise to the occasion. So your really short and stout, well I am really tall so being short and being tall have advantages and disadvantages.

 

Come on sister you have let others control your actions, thoughts, and where you should go with your life. TAKE IT BACK! Invest in you!!!

[hosswhispra]

I am sure that many people that are now in happy relationships here can share stories about their negative dating experiences. But they did not let that stop them. That's the key, Ren....don't give up. You're way too cute to give up now

[renaissancewoman101]

Hey EH, I rose to the occasion. I have been freaking TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER.

 

CANT YOU SEE THAT!!!!!!

 

I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU GUYS HAVE SUGGESTED. MOST PEOPLE DONT USUALLY EVEN TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S ADVICE ON HERE.

 

I HAVE.

 

I HAVE GONE AND SEEN A SHRINK, GOTTEN ON MEDS, GOTTEN RID OF T, ETC.

 

AND YOU SAY I DONT RISE TO THE OCCASION AND TAKE MY LIFE BACK.

 

I HAVE.

 

IT JUST SHOT ME IN THE BUTT AND I HATE THAT.

[ElektraHere]

Are you doing this because you really want to or is it because everyone told you to? You and only you can fix whatever is broken within you. It is great to get feedback be it negative or positive. However, you and only you can make that final desicion.

 

Its good you are trying to get your life back on track. Keep it up and remember focus on you and not that you are alone. Did you ever think that this is the way it is supposed to happen for you right now.

 

When it rains it pours. I like what Oprah says "God speaks to us in whispers, we really need to listen carefully. If we ignore it he gets louder, if we still ignore it, he screams it to us." Perhaps you are finally hearing what it is you need to focus on. You my dear

[annie24]

hey - we are all of your friends. even if we are not in person, we are all here for you! don't get down! after all, this guy is D-U-M-B and a complete butthead also!

 

Ok, even if it is your height, you have it listed online, right? so, it shouldn't come as any surprise to them. do you really want a guy who signs up on a dating site, but doesn't bother to read the entire profile? no. dumb.

 

Next, even if he didn't feel you two were a good match, he clearly has no class. Most people with manners will just say, "oh, I have an early morning meeting, must leave soon, great meeting you!" this guy is just a butt.

 

seriously, you are better off without him.

 

as for your height, it's not something you can change. I think you should embrace it. It makes you special and different. I bet lots of men are also into shorter women. You can be upset all you want about your height, but that won't do anything about it, so you should come to terms with it. If the guys don't like it - tough! Honestly, I know that there are men out there that like short women, you just have to meet the right guys. Like grandma used to say, "There's a lid for every pot."

 

hang in there! you did nothing wrong. you have met jerks so far. keep on going. really, I've done online dating also, and I know that for every nice guy on there, there are at least 5 creeps you have to sort through.

 

Look on the bright side - at least you figured out with the other guy that he was a creep even before you met for a date. you saved yourself one bad date there!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Ren, it's normal to take a rejection personally. But I don't think you should let it get you down that much. What he said was pretty much a variation of "You're not my type". I don't think that makes him a jerk. What would have made him a jerk is if he tried to seduce you then dump you the next day or something like that. I do think, though, that the way he phrased it could have used some polish. But hey, I think you should just be glad you didn't have to waste more time on it. If it's not a match, then why waste your time on it, right? Now get back up, put on something cute, and go on more dates!

[Hope75]

Hey Ren,

 

I'm sorry to hear that it did not go well. Some people are just jerks, and this sounds like one.

 

There are millions of people out there online just like you looking to meet someone, I hope you won't let one bad apple spoil the whole barrel.

 

I met my guy online after a string of terrible relationships. I had just about given up on love. Here we are, almost 4 years later and still going strong. There are alot of good people out there too, just like you, me and my bf.

 

If you need some time to recover from this bad date, take it. But don't give up on yourself just because of one creep's lousy opinion. He didn't even take the time to get to know you before he wrote you off, and you know what? That's HIS loss.

 

You have done alot to try and help your situation lately, so give some credit where it's due.

 

Hang in there,

 

((HUGS))

[Lady Bugg]

I don't think RW wants advice on how she needs to "get back out there"..I think she needs to be validated on feeling bad about things..so why not allow her to vent?? I know when I'm down and out sometimes all I want is a listening ear...not for someone to tell me how to do something differently..because then it somehow makes it MY fault.

 

RW certainly has NO control over her height. That is one thing that causes her a LOT of anxiety..and that is a REAL "issue" for her. WE do not live with that everyday..so I can't imagine what her world is like.He rmother has browbeat her since she was very young about her height. This came from someone VERY important in her life...so a bunch of strangers telling her she's "just fine"...is not going to cut it. I can sort of see why she misses T.

Although he is bad for her..he WAS important to her...and accepted her as she was. Those are VERY important things.

 

I DO agree with Elektra and that RW needs to focus on herself for now..and learn to love herself. That is a starting point....

[Caldus]

Hang in there. Life throws curveballs at you and if you can't dodge them, then simply put, it will consume you. Happiness, whatever you want to call it, comes from within yourself. Not from your significant other. At least it shouldn't be just from your significant other. Happiness is a state of mind. What else makes you happy in life? There has to be other things. Do those things. When you're doing those things and looking really happy around other people, you will start to become more attractive to them.

 

As a guy, I would also agree that what he did was pretty cruel. As someone else said, some guys really like the shorter girls, myself included. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. Most of the girls I've been with were pretty short (I am a little short for a guy myself, I am 5' 7").

 

To be honest with you, I think your perspective on all of this is what is preventing you the most from finding a relationship. Not your height issue.

 

Think positive.

[Orlander]

Height may not have been the issue. Did the guy say why he you didnt meet his expectations? Maybe he was just nervous about dating and didnt think he was ready to date again. Maybe he went home and cried because he had met someone he was interested in and was too afraid to pursue the relationship.

 

You never know. It IS a numbers game. Maybe online dating isnt for you. Maybe getting out there and doing things that are social, but also that you really enjoy so it puts you in line with potentially meeting some really great guys, is what you need right now.

 

Bottom line is if you don't see your height as being an issue then it never, ever, ever will be again. I promise you. It's all in the mind.

 

 

Orlander

[Lady Bugg]

Personally..I don't like online dating...although I have been interested ironically, with a guy I met online..but not through a dating site. Long story...anyway...I really am a little "old school" with meeting people truthfully.

 

NOTHING beats making eye contact with someone, and having that body language. Online dating completely takes all those necessary components

out of dating. It;s all backwards..you talk first THEN meet...and then PRAY that they liked the way you looked or acted..or whatever. It's all crazy..I tell ya.

[now_better]

i think you put too much pressure on one person's opinion of you that you've NEVER met before, will probably NEVER see again. you talked for a few minutes, things didn't go swell. the guy does not even know you. don't let people validate yourself as a person. you're you. you. not everyone is going to like you, that's the way the world rolls (i'm slowly learning these lessons myself and i have consistently remind myself).

 

don't give up. it's too easy to give up, lock yourself in your apt, watch the clock roll another day. think about yourself 20 yrs down the road. you don't want to miss any memories, any regrets.

 

super grats on putting yourself on the line. that took courage. you can do it again. less pressure, just go out to have fun next time and whatever happens happens. don't let it be a judgement on who you are.

[Cyberchick]

Hey RW... I'm so sorry your date didn't go well. I understand how you feel --- you didn't like the guy, but it hurts when he rejected you. I have been through it many, many times. Myh self esteem is pretty low, and any type of rejection just kills it a little more. I don't have the same insecurities about my height that you do, but I'm extremely insecure about my weight. I'm East Indian, but I don't look like the skinny, baliwood - type east indian girls guys seem to go for. I have NEVER felt attractive enough. Ever. I've done online dating for awhile --- my current bf is someone I met online. And I have been on dates where guys didn't think I was attractive or their type. Even though I didn't find them desireable, I still wanted them to want me. One guy I went out with was downright rude to me.

 

That dude you went out with was an * * *. You just don't treat people like that. He missed out on an oppurtunity to get to know a great girl with a great heart. I know these words probably aren't doing much to console you right now, but you need to hear them.

 

I guess you just get back up, brush yourself off, and get back out there when you feel strong enough to do it. Rejection sucks big time. But I know you'll get through it. When you are ready, you'll give dating a chance again. It won't always be like that.

[Cyberchick]

I just went back and reread your original post RW, and the more I read how he treated you, the angrier I get. What a jerk! Some guys are such knobs. You deserve so much better than that.

 

Can I share a story with you? Something your story reminded me of, for some reason. So when I was in Ireland a couple of years ago, I had met this guy in Dublin at a pub. I was lonely that night and feeling distinctly unattractive in comparison to all the beautiful, skinny Irish girls. This guy struck up a convo with me. Not very attractive, but nice. Nothing about him that made me all that interested in him, aside from the fact that he noticed me. lol. anyways, few drinks later, we're at his hotel room. Yup, I slept with him. Not one of my finer moments, but I did it and will never do that again. The next morning, he made up some BS about how he couldn't let the receptionist see us coming out of the room together, and that he'd go downstairs first and meet me there. When I went downstairs, I couldn't find him. The dude ditched me! I think I had the same reaction you did in the coffee shop --- dumbfounded, then extremely rejected and depressed. He could have treated me with more respect than that. Even if he had just told me he didn't want to pursue things further --- something --- I could have dealt with that better. I was expecting too much from him anyway, and I probablt set myself up for it, but whatever. He was such a jerk. but I let it get to me. I felt horrible about myself, so unworthy of anyone's love. I felt like I had nothing to offer. This is what I have carried with me for years and years.

 

My current bf is a great great guy and he's starting to make me see what I have to offer. But I had to wait a hell of a long time to meet him. I'm not completely better, I struggle with low self esteem and other more severe issues when it comes to our relationship. But at the same time I feel more hopeful about myself. As trite as it sounds, you have to be patient with yourself and with the dating game and just keep going. When you are ready.

 

I'm always here if you want to talk some more. Hug for you.

[shes2smart]

I'm sorry to hear it went badly.

 

Part of the problem with meeting people in a once-removed fashion (online dating or personal ads in the paper) is that, no matter how descriptive you are or how many pics you provide, people get this image in their head of what you look like...and what they imagine isn't close to what the reality is. Their expectations have NOTHING to do with you.

 

When I was single/dating and using personal ads, I was always upfront with the fact that I'm a plus-size gal, yet I'd go meet guys who would act all surprised by the fact that I wasn't some skinny little thing. Apparently, the concept of "overweight" and "half Filipino" aren't supposed to co-exist. Oh, and even though I'm half Filipino, I often get mistaken for being Mexican....so that being told your features resemble those of another ethnic heritage isn't something that's unique to you.

 

Again, it all comes down the expectations people build up before they actually meet you...and you can't control that. There are a lot of rude, blunt, tactless, mannerless, and just plain old mean & cruel people out there. I prefer to believe that most aren't intentionally cruel...but rather they're a little clueless about tact and compassion. They might actually be much kinder to someone they actually know than someone they see as a random stranger who they won't ever encounter again.

 

While you have started meds & therapy....well...you've just started meds & therapy. I recall in another thread, we discussed that the meds take a couple weeks to start kicking in and probably more like a month for you to make an objective assessment of them. Therapy doesn't tend to be a quick process even if the client is gung-ho to get to the bottom of things. You yourself have indicated some reluctance to look at certain aspects of your life, so you will need time to work through that first.

 

The kind of progress most people make in therapy isn't the sort of progress that can be measured in days or weeks. It's the sort of slow, subtle growth that, 6 months or a year later, you look back on where you were and only then will you realize how far you've come. At the beginning of therapy it looks and feels like it's all chaos and often will feel as if things are getting worse as you start churning up and sorting though all your old garbage. Much like taking out the real trash, you have to go through the phase where you dump all the wastebaskets into a big garbage bag and walk the stinking mess out to the dumpster.

 

Personal ad dating is not now, nor is it ever, for the faint of heart. Even if you've got a pretty healthy amount of self-esteem and self-confidence, a bad first meeting can put a serious dent in it...but only temporarily. As hosswispra mentioned, much of dating is a numbers game. If you can keep your expectations realistic (or even a bit on the pessimistic side) you can cushion yourself from some of the stings and stupidity. By the time I actually went to go meet my husband I was to the point where I was thinkin', "Well, I hope this meeting wraps up in an hour or so because I really need to do the laundry"....that's how high my expectations were for that meeting.

 

I'm gonna toss out this theory for your consideration. When it comes to relationships there's a line of thought that goes "We attract who we are" So it is in our best interests to be as whole, balanced and healthy as possible -- on our own -- before we try to create a relationship with another person. If we don't have a pretty good relationship with ourselves first, that's going to get amplified as we become involved with another person.

 

Perhaps this meeting was one of those little road signs from the Universe -- this is not where you're supposed to be going right now. Pretty much everyone here has suggested this is a time that you focus on yourself, and this event can also be interpreted to be telling you the same thing. I think Elektra hit the nail on the head with this:

When it rains it pours. I like what Oprah says "God speaks to us in whispers, we really need to listen carefully. If we ignore it he gets louder, if we still ignore it, he screams it to us." Perhaps you are finally hearing what it is you need to focus on. You my dear

Sometimes, where we think we want to go isn't where we need to go.

 

Finally, it probably wouldn't hurt to start entertaining the idea that your mother may not be right. She's got her own biases and own issues. She's thrown her own negative opinion on you for years...but all it's ever been is opinion. It's not Truth, it's not gospel, heck, it's not even truth with a lower-case t.

 

My parents were so far from the truth about me in their thinking that there came a time I had to completely cut them out of my life....it was right up there on my top 10 best things I ever did list. Not saying that you need to go to that extreme. Just using it as a real-life example of the fact that our parents aren't always right about who we are as adults.