Fiance and best friend/roommate

[shorty20]

I have this problem. My fiance is in army. When he came home on leave this past may for about two months, he spent the majority of his time with me and in our apartment. After about two weeks of him spending almost every night at our place, and after numerous comments he made to her, she got fed up and said she wanted to cut back on him staying over. I understood because she pays just as much as I do. We agreed that he'd stay over during the weekends. My fiance didn't like this at all... thought she was just trying to control me and how much time i spent with my fiance, so they pretty much hated each other. He'd be nice to her face, and make numerous attempts to apologize or make things better, but the damage was done. Once my roommate gets an impression of someone it's hard to change it. She was worried about me because my fiance can be rude or blunt at times, and she thought that was how he treated me too.

 

So, my problem. I'm planning my wedding for December, and my fiance insists on talking bad about my roommate (who is also one of my best friends) whenever she gets brought up. He blew up and threw a fit last night because I had to stop by his parents to get an adress book so I can start sending out invitations, and my roommate was running some errands with me. I took her with and we stayed and talked to his parents for about an hour. When he called and I was with my roommate at his parents house, he flipped out asking me how I could take my roommate to his parents when I know he dosen't like her??? I guess I failed to see what the huge deal was, and he couldnt' tell me either. I don't care if they are best friends... that's up to them. But since I am so close to her, and I'm going to be marrying him, I'd like them to be at least ok with each other. My roommate has let go and moved on. She dosen't not like him... she's ok with him and she sees how he treats me good. He on the other hand, can't let things go.

 

He can't let go of the fact that it was because of her that we cut down on him staying the night, and he has this idea in his head that she is constantly talking about him behind his back! Ever since he's left she hasn't said a word... I just don't understand. I thought guys were the ones that were all about forgive and forget and girls were the ones to hold the grudges, but he can't get past this! Any advice on how I can make things better between the two of them?

[RayKay]

Yeah...um, I think he is blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Man, she just wanted some privacy in her own apartment (shared with you of course).

 

I really don't want to comment much more shorty as I think I am a bit...biased about your situation already and this guy.

 

I really do however think you have to be a bit more objective about this guy....don't be blind to his true colours, or to the signs he shows you. How he treats others and speaks of others, will be how he treats and speaks of you in the future.

 

In addition to that, other flags:

 

- He is a heavy drinker which you have said already does bother you, but he does not like you commenting on as he is as he said "not an alchoholic and does not like you insinuating it".

 

- And apparently has a very bad temper issue - do you think blowing up and having a FIT is really the right way to handle things, or a healthy sign?

[shorty20]

about the drinking, I brought that up when he was in the act of drinking, hence the reason he got so defensive. I've had several talks with him since then about it, one of which he brought up saying he was tired of being drunk every weekend and that he was going to talk to someone about AA meetings and about finding other stuff to do on the weekends. That was all broughten up by him, and I was just listening and encouraging. He's not an alcoholic, but he does drink alot on the weekends. As far as his temper goes, everyone gets angry at times... we are slowly learning how to act and react to certain situations. He'd had a long hard day yesturday, because a few of his battle buddies messed up in the field and so the whole team was kept after work an hour and a half getting smoked (made to do pushups and stuff like that) ... but anywayz, we are learning how to communicate better, I'm trying to explain to him that actually talking to me about thigns and explaining them to me makes me understand him more... but for some reason he just HATES my roommate. She was right, she just wanted some space, she's over it now and only wants the best for me...

[kellbell]

Oh my shorty!

 

When are you ever going to get a break? It seems you have all kinds of drama in your life and perhaps you are addicted to the highs and lows of it. It is very common and many people can confuse drama with love. Perhaps this may be the case with you?

 

Every thread you posted here in the last year has not been happy or full of good news. It seems in your last post regarding your fiance, you are making excuses for him. Aparently, this drinking and his temper bothered you, otherwise you would have not posted it here. What are you looking for exactly when you post here? It seems when people give you an outside persepctive and an angle you may not be privy to, you defend the situation and make excuses. I am not trying to be harsh or mean, but shorty...you have been through a lot in the last year and I am worried. I also want you to try and take a step back and look inside yourself. Why are you attacted to situations and others that cause you so much grief and aggrivation?

 

You are so young, very attractive, with so much to offer. I just do not want you to sell yourself short is all.

[Meow18]

I hate to say it, but I agree with Raykay and Kellbell.

 

He threw a fit because you brought your best friend to his parent's house? That's just immature.

 

I can't help but think about what might happen if you do something to make him upset. Will he hold a grudge against you and throw fits everytime something doesn't go the way he wants?? Is this something you really want for yourself?

 

Let's just say things were the other way around and it was your roomate who was holding the grudge and your fiance was the one who was over it. You wouldn't be too happy with your friend, right? You probably would stand up for your fiance to your friend, right?

 

Well, it should go both ways. Have you ever talked to him about this situation and tried explaining that she has nothing against him anymore?

[shorty20]

I don't know why the drama comes to me... I'm hoping once I'm married I'll be able to settle into our home, get a job, and live peacfully and drama-free. I am in love with this man... everything about him. Thats how I know he's the one. Depsite things that go wrong, adn despite arguments that we've had, even in the midst of those arguments I still love him to death and know he's the one for me. I've never once doubted or regretted my decision. I know it's going to be hard, I knwo military life will be hard... but I also know that great things in life don't come easy. I appreciate everyone's concern, but I also know in my heart that these situations I post about, although I do get upset at times, are minor in the big scheme of things and that our love for each other is bigger than any of our little fights. I think fighting in a relationship is good, as long as they are constructive arguments and that the end result is a solution, not jsut more fighting.

[Meow18]

I don't know why the drama comes to me... I'm hoping once I'm married I'll be able to settle into our home, get a job, and live peacfully and drama-free.

 

I'm not married or anything, but I do know that marriage does not solve problems. In fact, if there is a drama problem or he has a temper problem, it's only going to get worse if you don't solve those things before marriage.

 

If you are unhappy about something now, whatever it is, then work on it. Don't go into a marriage hoping everything will just work out on it's own after you tie the knot. It never does.

[redrose85]

^

 

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm just getting bad vibes here, from his behaviour, etc... If you want a real life example of jumping in too fast and discovering that the "love of my life" turned out to be a violent angry drunk, just ask. Maybe it will give you a little perspective.

[Meow18]

Anyways, to add on about your original question, I think your fiance is being very childish and immature about the situation. Of course it's ok for him to be upset about the fact that your roomate didn't want him around so much, but he also should be understanding. He definitely shouldn't try to make it harder on you.

 

So I think you need to talk to him about it. How could you go into a marriage with a guy who has problems holding grudges with people? He needs to work on respecting people's choices more I think.

[kellbell]

Shorty,

 

Marriage does not solve problems that pre-exist. My boyfriend and I love this insight about marriage...

 

" Some men tend to marry women in hopes that they never change and some women marry men in hopes the men DO change."

 

I think there is a lot of truth to that. Getting married does not make these issues go away, in fact they tend to get worse. I don't have the greatest feeling about this guy. I have this bad feeling once you get married, he is going to feel he can do whatever he wants and that you are going to try to your darnest to change him. I hope I am wrong. Take care and be careful. Marriage is a very big deal.

[RayKay]

I'm not married or anything, but I do know that marriage does not solve problems. In fact, if there is a drama problem or he has a temper problem, it's only going to get worse if you don't solve those things before marriage.

 

If you are unhappy about something now, whatever it is, then work on it. Don't go into a marriage hoping everything will just work out on it's own after you tie the knot. It never does.

 

 

100% agree....I am not married or anything either, but I certainly have had long term relationships, and have been living with my boyfriend for a good amount of time now, and marriage/living together whatever do NOT solve things. If there is drama now...it will be there after. And it may even be heightened.

 

Drama does NOT equal love.

 

These things MUST be solved before marriage. I know you say you are working on it...but you are also planning a wedding. I think it is better to work on it BEFORE planning a wedding. He should get his drinking under control BEFORE you get married for example. I KNOW you dated him years ago, but this is years later, marriage is SERIOUS, not just dating. At least wait until the honeymoon stage is over.

 

And this amount of drama, and "conflict" and issues are definitely not healthy or normal this early on either. This is the honeymoon stage!

 

Sorry shorty, but I think you are being naive, and I think you are also hooked more on the idea of what this guy is, and what you "could have" rather than what it is. What happens when you are the one that angers him? What happens when he keeps drinking?

 

Yes, even the great things in life take work....but they should not be this drama filled.

[kellbell]

RayKay is on the money. A DECEMBER wedding no less. Hon, that is closer than you think. You both do not know each other yet, yes I know you have known him for years prior but you do not know him as your partner, your lover, your future husband. That is a lightyear difference. He is the Army, you have no time to build the solid foundation that so crucial a relationship's survival. It is very easy to make romantic decisions in the infactuation stage and I truly believe that you are still infactuated with him. Why do you have to get married in December? Why the rush. Shorty, I would wait, seriously. If it was meant to me, this relationship would endure the test of time. When you run 110 miles an hour, you are going to crash.

[RayKay]

And remember...a few short months ago about that guy you met on vacation, and you thought HE was the one and that HE was the best ever...and he turned out not to be? What if you had married HIM right away and then found out how he really was?

 

Shorty, not to be critical, but you do have a habit of jumping from love interest to love interest, and I am just concerned about your mindset going into this right now.

 

Give it time to see his TRUE colours as a PARTNER. Give it time to see how you operate as a couple. Give it time to deal with these things BEFORE marriage.

 

If he really IS the one, then you have ALL the time in the world to get married. Relax, and don't make it happen so fast. I even wonder why it HAS to be so fast...I know he is in military and all, but like I said before, that does NOT mean it is smart to rush things. People in the military have a habit of doing so with disastrous results (which I have seen firsthand) as they don't take the time to develop the relationship, they want to skip ahead to the "security" as they are moving around a lot and so on. This is not healthy.

 

Don't look at marriage as solution.

[flower99]

Okay honestly I'm worried for you, just like your friend was about the way he treats people. I haven't read any previous posts from you, but you are about to marry this man and he is showing you serious warning signs you should pay attention to. The way he is treating your BEST FRIEND is something to look at. I've been in this situation & I agree with Kay bell when she said "don't be blind to his true colours, or to the signs he shows you. How he treats others and speaks of others, will be how he treats and speaks of you in the future" COMPLETELY TRUE!

 

"I don't know why the drama comes to me... I'm hoping once I'm married I'll be able to settle into our home, get a job, and live peacfully and drama-free. I am in love with this man... everything about him. Thats how I know he's the one."

Marriage does not solve problems, it is commiting yourself for life. And what you marry is what you get, if it's not drama-free & stable now it won't become it after. And when you say you love EVERYTHING about him....what about the way he treats your best friend? throws fits? drinks? his temper? this is all HIM and these things generally get worse after marriage. I know you love him, but seriously examine this. most people (including myself) have loved someone we shouldn't.

[shorty20]

I think that he's an amazing person, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Call it what you want, but he is the one I'm supposed to marry and if I had any doubt in my mind I wouldn't be doing it. I know you guys think I'm rushing it, and I understand how that could come accross... but there's no point in waiting if you know in your heart it's the right thing. He drinks on the weekends.... which, I already told him is not going to be happening when I get down there. I tld him we aren't going to be drunk every weekend and he said that everything will be different when he has me with him. When I said that my life would be drama-free after marrying him I meant I would get away from all the drama back home... with friends and family and all that stuff... I'll start fresh and be starting my life with my husband. I'm not being nieve because I know there will be hard times... and I grew up in a military family so I know how hard that is... depsite all that I'm willing to do it because I love him. I'm sorry you guys feel differently, but in all reality only I can know what's best for me. I do really appreciate all the advice though... and I did talk to him last night, and I'll talk to him again tonight about the whole roommate thing. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't in the wrong. Thanks again for all the advice!

[agent1607307371]

But if you know in your hearts it's right, why rush it?

 

Marry in haste, repent at leisure as my grandmama used to say.

[shorty20]

because this is the right time. I'm ready to start my life with him, to be the best wife I can and to make it work... he's ready too. Before he met me he didn't even think about marriage with anyone... not even his ex gf who he dated for 3 years! That's gotta say something... everyone around us is now supportive and knows we're making the right decision.. my parents, his parents, my friends... they know although he may be blunt (probably the italian in him) that he truly loves and cares for me.

[flower99]

wise grandma agent.

 

I really wish you a life time of happiness shorty20 (:

[zipacna2006]

When you run 110 miles an hour, you are going to crash.

 

 

love love LOVE this quote!!!

[Meow18]

He drinks on the weekends.... which, I already told him is not going to be happening when I get down there. I tld him we aren't going to be drunk every weekend and he said that everything will be different when he has me with him.

 

Sorry, but promising to change AFTER doesn't mean a thing. He should be making steps to prove to you that he can change. And he needs to do it because he wants to, not because you want him to.

 

You can't and shouldn't change him. If he's not who you want him to be right now, then you don't want to be with and love what he is NOW, you want what you think he can and promises to be LATER.

 

I guess you think you are doing the right thing though, so nothing we say will change that. And I hope that you don't think we are ganging up against you. We are just looking out for our fellow enotaloner. I only hope that everything turns out the way you are hoping.

[Rabican]

you should get to have visitors 15 days a month... she gets visitors 15 a month. for half the month or every other day whatever, you decide if you have a visitor, or if you dont have your visitor. The other days is her call.

 

Cmon your roomy cant be looking for PRIVACY if she has a roomate. If she wants privacy that much she would live alone.

[candy604]

marriage is a big step...and your problems won't just go away