Paranoia, the irrationality of it hurts!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Heaven knows whether this is due to my autism, depression, manic depression, schizotypal tendencies or whatever, but I have begun losing it again lately to the extent that my family has gone on holiday (I don't like rural holidays so I didn't go) and I havn't even been home alone at night (I've been staying at my grandparents to sleep, and from tonight, my boyfriend's house) but such is my paranoia and general madness it's descended to the point where I'm getting occasional voices saying rubbish to me in my head (not making sense, it's more like annoying background noise/gibberish, which is what I'm telling myself because Fear = Power To Them!)...

 

And I can't shower in my own home when I'm home alone, as I don't feel safe (I have no idea why, crime rate in our area is practically non existent..we have neighbours home..etc) unless I have a carving knife in there with me..and I'm NOT giving into that level of mental-ness (and that's all it is), I'm showering at my boyfriend's house later.

 

Other treats of the past few days include attention seeking, outbursts of anger, and eating disorder cycle consisting of Starve for 20-24 Hours, Binge for 1-2 Hours...rinse and repeat.

 

On Saturday night my boyfriend came over after he called me and I didn't sound so good. I'm not so sure exactly of my motives etc but I went for a walk, it started to rain, I cried near a barn in my village (!?!) and I refused to go into my house, so my boyfriend had a very patient, loving discussion with me in his car. He was willing to drive me to a psych unit but after a nice long time I calmed down.

 

I like ENA, I think it keeps me sane.....esque!

 

I have these periods of more intensified symptoms of being mentally out of it. I cannot identify a trigger - I'm used to being on holiday away from my family/away from my family, that's not the problem. I'm Just A Nutter.

 

This'll pass, I shall NOT give into my head-sickness, I WON'T. A Big Eff You to the head-demons......

[ElektraHere]

Have you ever thought that you really need to be on meds? I am not sure what your history of meds are? But I don't think you or anyone for that matter can't conqure something that is chemical.

[Dako]

AL

Have you used music to mask the voices?

 

You're the sanest nutter I know of.

[Dako]

All I can come up with is to stay hydrated and busy.

Your guy will be there for you tonight?

[ElektraHere]

ALS - It is a bum place to be but if the meds can help with the paranoia and the other harmful things you are doing to yourself it is well worth it no?

[arwen]

I agree with both Dako and Elektra. Music can help if you hear noises, I used to mask a dark sort of voice that I heared in the deepest depression-- sometimes equally 'dark' music like metal or goth would help, but sometimes a more serene gregorian song.

 

In addition, I really think you should try to find a good counsellor and STICK to therapy for a while, in addition to maybe medication. I don't like it too, I hate the sort of label I subconsciously put on meds (meaning that I am crazy if I need them), but they can really help. You seem to have all sorts of diagnoses, why not have one good counsellor?

 

Try to regulate your food a bit. The binging and starving is probably not really helping your chemical balances in the brain. I know it's difficult, but there is a way in between, the more you force yourself to having regular meals, the less prone you will be to binging I think.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Ilse

[iamtheone]

Hey,

 

one thing I used to do when I was badly depressed was to 'pretend' ie get up get dressed do all my usual things and see how I felt. If I couldn't cope then I'd go back to bed. If I fooled myself into being 'ok' for a little while it meant I got things done.

 

Are you on medication? Do you want to be? I didn't want to be but I was fed up of constantly trying to 'cheer myself up' and it never working. Try and eat properly if you can, I felt like the living dead when I had an eating problem. Though the reason I had the eating problem was cos I felt so awful about myself...so it was a vicious circle.

 

Hugs,

Melissa 1:

[nottoogreen]

Hi Superstar,

 

Well, your mind keeps busy looking for things to occupy it. How about a little fear for dessert. All that to perfection of course.

 

About voices and visual distortions, ever done glue, solvents and such?

 

Fit's will not do you any good. Therapy and med's will help once you feel ready to trust a therapist and are sure to handle regular appointments.

 

In the meantime we are here for you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I did have a solvent problem in a previous life, ie 2 years ago. I am now drug free, and only drink occasionally.

 

As ever, thank you for all support...boyfriend was indeed there last night, which was somewhat helpful.

[Dako]

Glad you're here.

Today's avatar is purty.