am I damaged goods?

[shorty20]

I have a wonderfull fiance who I am going to marry december of this year. Everything about him is wonderful and he treats me amazingly. We have such a good chemistry and I love being with him in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. My problem is that about a year and a half ago I was raped by a "boyfriend" and haven't really been the same ever since. Every time my fiance wants to have "rough sex" or not the slow and easy making love type, I get all tightened up and uncomfortable because it reminds me of what happened. When I was raped, he had said he was going to give me a massage and then just pinned me down and entered me from behind so I have major issues with sex in that position. I just can't do it. I used to be such a sexual person, loved experimenting and havng fun... now I feel like I can't give all that I have to my fiance because of something that happened over a year ago! Will I be like this forever? I want to please my fiance, and I know he occasionally likes "rough sex". I just want to get over this issue so I can be the best wife possible for my fiance.

[Scout]

You're not damaged goods, not by a long shot. Instead, you were put through a terrible ordeal, and it will take some time...a long time, I would imagine...before you will enjoy "rough" sex, and maybe you never really will. I don't think your fiance should be asking you for that kind of sex anyway, knowing what you've been through. Why the heck is he?

[shorty20]

sometimes it's hard for him to keep the "slow and steady" pace because he gets a little to into it and just prefers faster, harder sex. I'm not trying to be graphic or give TMI but thats the only way I can think of to explain it. He tries to go slow for me... he knows about the past and why I am the way I am but sometimes he gets caught up in the moment. I feel bad making him hold back though... I used to enjoy things like that... which is why I feel like I'm "damaged goods" because I can't give him what I would have been able to...

[nottoogreen]

Hi shorty,

 

You are not damaged goods! You were abused.

 

Many rape and abuse victims have similar feelings as you. It is common to not really trust men, to be uncomfortable with body types, hair styles, situations, sexual positions... anything that associates with unresolved memories of abusive events.

 

Going to a rape counselor would be best for you. They will help you to resolve your negative memories and feelings.

 

Please learn this.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

[Scout]

Look, he has made a choice to be with you. Part of that choice involves accepting that you are trying to deal with a horrific ordeal, a traumatic event that takes a long time to recover from. Having to restrain himself a bit sexually should not be a sacrifice in any way, shape, or form. There is a lot more to you than just sex, my dear. Like your mind, your spirit, your personality, your heart, your talents...the list goes on and on.

 

Put your healing first. Please. I've looked through some of your past threads, and you've only been with this man for a few months. I am not sure if it's such a good idea to be rushing into a permanent relationship with anyone until you've gotten some counseling. Seriously. Put yourself first.

[shorty20]

I realize how it may seem like I'm rushing into things, but I also knew my fiance since Jr. High. We were best friends from 7th-9th grade. We dated for a few months, and then he transfered schools and we broke up. The minute I saw him again, all of those old feelings came back. It has to be something amazing if after 6 years the sparks can still be there. We've both changed so much but it's like we're meant to be together because no matter how much either of us change, we still fit perfectly together. He knows I have issues and when I do remind him of them, he apologizes and feels bad. He's supportive, but I just feel bad that he has to hold back during sex... he's paying for the mistakes some guy made a year and a half ago and it really just sucks I guess... I don't know how else to put it.

[Scout]

he's paying for the mistakes some guy made a year and a half ago and it really just sucks I guess... I don't know how else to put it.

 

Having slower, gentle sex is not "paying" for some other guy's horrific actions. It's showing an act of love towards the woman he has committed himself too, and it comes with the choice to be with you.

[nottoogreen]

Hi shorty,

 

It's wonderful your feeling so natural for your fiance. However as per your OP, you have not resolved the rape.

 

You are young, you are responsible for your life, including future children.

 

Please seek proper counseling and treatment.

[shorty20]

I guess I never thought it was that bad. I never really talked about it, he was the first person I ever told about what happened, because it didn't really seem like rape since he was my boyfriend, it just didn't really seem believable. I moved on with my life fine, stopped talking to him and switched jobs and phone numbers... I thought I was over it... until I started having sex again. But, I can't really afford counseling right now, especially since a) my roommate started a fire in our kitchen and I am most likley liable for half the damages which is about $6000 and b) I'm planning my wedding which deffinatley isn't cheap either

[Scout]

There are many women's crisis centers that offer affordable and even free counseling because, unfortunately, rape is all too common.

 

Right now, you are putting all your loyalty and concerns into a man when you should be putting it towards your healing. If you were my daughter, I would drag you to counseling right now. Quit being stubborn, this is your mental well-being at stake, and that's far more important than whether or not your boyfriend can "thrust faster" during sex.

[arwen]

Hey shorty,

 

You are not damaged goods. He's not paying for what happened to you, but I know it feels like that. Please move slowly in this relationship. I think what happened to you can make you more vulnerable for men that aren't good for you.

 

Like Scout said, even if you've known each other for a long time, being in a relationship is new between the two of you. Take it slow, and seek counselling for dealing with the rape. I think it might even be useful to consult a therapist who is specialized in this subject-- I think a lot of victims of rape and abuse feel like you.

 

Ilse

[nottoogreen]

Hi shorty,

 

I regret your financial situation. I also realize that you do not feel as bad as other victims.

 

My first wife was an untreated child rape victim. Thus I do think ahead of you. I assure you that if you do not resolve it soon, it will get worse.

 

As long as you have any adverse feelings inside you, you may have a wide range of emotional issues which you may not be aware of.

 

The most important issue is your self esteem. You ought to resolve and accept that the rape was not your fault.

 

If you can not afford counseling, I suggest you post in great detail about your negative feelings. Abuse like rape breaks ones expectations. You have to repair your expectations about a relationship. You have to drop your negative expectations about rear-entry intercourse. And so on... Only you know.

 

Depression - balance yourself

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life.

 

Ability Improving ones ability (doing better) can include for example overcoming lethargy, exercise, work better (often less hours!), learning new things, developing interests and hobbies, spending less time on unproductive and draining favorites like TV, RPG, online, party and hanging out, spending more time with loved ones and strong friends.

 

Expectations

When having suffered trauma (abuse, accidents, rape, ridicule)

, one has to overcome negative feelings which "broke" expectations by emphasizing on positive thoughts and a good future. Also feelings of guilt must be overcome.

Always remember, what someone did to you was not your fault!!!

 

Otherwise

, sometimes expectations are too high and must be reduced by dropping things one is unable to do. Examples include overcoming breakup, loss of a loved one, unrealistic objectives about career, peoples behavior or looking like a super model.

 

Self-esteem and self-worth always are part of ones "basic" expectations.

 

Change is cure. These ideas are by no means novel. Change requires patience and persistence as it's the case with all success. And there will be setbacks, it will take time to heal.

[shorty20]

well thankyou for all the advice and support. I don't think I am ready or willing to post in detail about what happened, but I will find some close friends I can open up with and eventually I'll be able to open up fully to my fiance. It will be a process but I will work through it. Thanks again guys!

[Scout]

well thankyou for all the advice and support. I don't think I am ready or willing to post in detail about what happened, but I will find some close friends I can open up with and eventually I'll be able to open up fully to my fiance. It will be a process but I will work through it. Thanks again guys!

 

Wait...that's it? I didn't say post in detail about what happened. I didn't say confide in friends. I suggested you talk to a professional therapist who can actually help you heal. And you can find one for free at any rape crisis center. Even if you're not sure if it was rape, they'll help you understand if it was or wasn't.

 

What is it that is holding you back from putting the focus on yourself and facing your issues? Aren't you tired of living with all these anxieties and fears? Life is too short for this kind of misery that I know you are living in. Don't fool yourself into thinking this engagement is the answer to all your problems. As you can see, it's not, in fact, it's raising even more problematic issues for you at the moment. Because you refuse to get yourself the help you need.

[nottoogreen]

well thankyou for all the advice and support. I don't think I am ready or willing to post in detail about what happened, but I will find some close friends I can open up with and eventually I'll be able to open up fully to my fiance. It will be a process but I will work through it. Thanks again guys!

Ahh, perhaps we have a misunderstanding.

 

What happened does NOT matter. What you FEEL about YOURSELF does.

 

Could you please sit back and read and think a little? It's free advice!

[shorty20]

Well, I don't really know why it bothers me. The fact that I didn't stand up for myself? When it happened, he said he wanted sex. I todl him I was too tired and maybe later, so he asked if he could give me a massage. Then he started to take my pants off and I questioned it, but he still inisited it was just a massage. He held my arms down and had sex with me, but I was too shocked/scared to say anything. I tried to but nothing would come out. So I think it's the fact that I didn't stick up for myself that bothers me. And when sex gets a little rough, I can still see his face and feel him pinning me down... I don't like sex where I can't look into my fiance's eyes and feel that what we're doing is about love...

[TiredMan]

You're not damaged goods, not by a long shot. Instead, you were put through a terrible ordeal, and it will take some time...a long time, I would imagine...before you will enjoy "rough" sex, and maybe you never really will. I don't think your fiance should be asking you for that kind of sex anyway, knowing what you've been through. Why the heck is he?

 

I agree with most of this. Clearly, she is NOT damaged good and she should get counseling about what happened to her.

 

But, how can you knock the fiancee for wanting to have it "rough" with someone he wants to marry? Yes, of course, she went through a rape but he isn't trying to simulate rape. He just wants to be a certain type of intimate sometimes with someone he loves. Nothing at all wrong with that.

 

This might come off wrong but I have to wonder if it's ok to get in a relationship where it's serious so close after a traumatic ordeal.

[helpme2]

Well, I don't really know why it bothers me. The fact that I didn't stand up for myself? When it happened, he said he wanted sex. I todl him I was too tired and maybe later, so he asked if he could give me a massage. Then he started to take my pants off and I questioned it, but he still inisited it was just a massage. He held my arms down and had sex with me, but I was too shocked/scared to say anything. I tried to but nothing would come out. So I think it's the fact that I didn't stick up for myself that bothers me. And when sex gets a little rough, I can still see his face and feel him pinning me down... I don't like sex where I can't look into my fiance's eyes and feel that what we're doing is about love...

 

you didn't do anything wrong. couseling could help, but in the mean time you need to explain everything you are comfortable talking about to your fiance and figure out a signal, where if he is going to far, you can let him know so he can slow down, sometimes you may just have to stop, and that's okay.

 

Don't feel guilty about what you aren't comfortable doing in bed, there isn't a rule that says you have to do anything, whatever you can do should be enough, and if it isn't then he has bigger problems than your past to deal with.

[Scout]

Shorty, I would feel the same way about what happened with that guy as you do. It was not consensual. You were not expecting that to happen. You did what many, many people do when the totally unexpected happens: they literally freeze in shock. For all we know, if you had fought back he might have brutalized you. The guy pinned your arms down - he used violent force. I am sure he was capable of using even more. What he did was wrong. I don't know how he can live with that kind of guilt.

 

TiredMan, I agree with you that Shorty should heal from this ordeal before she gets into another serious relationship. However, she is young, she has not fully dealt with what happened, and perhaps this is her way of trying to deal with things. The fact is, many victims of rape and other forms of abuse try to deny the incident, or bury it somehow, because it is painful to face initially. I just pray that she gets the counseling one day that she needs, because she deserves to do that for herself, so that creep no longer has ownership of how she feels about herself, men, sex, relationships, heck, everything.

 

Now, to answer your question about how can I knock her fiance for wanting rough sex with her? I'm not knocking him for wanting it. But I am knocking him for practicing it if he know it makes her re-live that harrowing event. If he can't respect those feelings, if he can't do without that kind of sex until - if ever - she is comfortable with it, no one has him under a contract to stay with her. He is not powerless there, he has a choice, and if he willingly chooses to be with a woman who underwent a rape only a year ago, he needs to learn to control himself if he is serious about helping her overcome it. After all, as you and I have both agreed in the past on other threads, sex is only one part of a relationship.

[TiredMan]

The thing is, again, I think it is on her. She shouldn't have gotten into a relationship after being raped. It must be pretty long if they are already engaged to be married. If she was raped by a b/f a year and a half ago and is already going to be married to someone else in months, obviously she jumped in.

 

Of course, sex is only one part. I always said that. But I think this is more on her NOT getting counseling or healing before getting into a relationship. What if she didn't want to be intimate or even hug or kiss because of it? He should just stay 50 feet from her? I personally don't think you can get married with this sort of trauma involved.

[shorty20]

if I didn't want to be intimate or hug or kiss, I wouldn't have a boyfriend. The issues I have are small and we will work through them together. Technically I have dated my fiance for 3 months... it's the history that makes our relationship though. We were best friends in highschool, dated in highschool, and then he transfered schools and we lost touch. We also wrote back and forth 3-4 times a week the whole time he was at bootcamp before he even came back and before we met up again. It's the relationship as a whole that makes me confident that we will make it. I knew the second day I was with him that we would be together forever, and I've only grown more sure since then. I'm not going to hold back and not be with him because I have some minor issues with rough sex... we can work through them together, as a family.. as husband and wife. He's fully aware of my issues and is very sympathetic and supportive. Whenever he's getting too rough during sex, I tell him and he slows down. He is truly everything I ever wanted and I'm not going to let that go.

[nottoogreen]

Hi shorty,

 

"He held my arms down and had sex with me" was non-consentual intercourse along the lines of rape.

 

Your thoughtprocess seems confusing but it is instructive. You have to simplify it in order to get out of the loop of thought.

 

List of potentially broken expectations

• You expect not to be abused
  
• You expect of yourself to look after yourself
  
• You expect of yourself to chose a decent guy
  
• You expect of yourself to stop an abuser
  
• You expect of yourself to trust
  
• You expect of yourself to enjoy sex in any sensible way and position
  
• You expect to be happy but regrets including guilt about all the above hurt your self esteem.
  
• You expect to respect yourself - Self esteem is most important in life.
  
• You expect others to be trustworthy
  
• You expect to be respected
  
• You expect to be loved
  
• You expect to enjoy sex
  
• ... Add some more after thinking about it
  

It was not your fault. It was a bad experience and you have to live for your future with your fiance and your family with him.

 

Build yourself up

• Expect that you will fully recover and commit yourself to work on it
  
• Let all regrets and guilt pass, it was not your fault
  
• Develop yourself, strengthen yourself to be more confident and rebuild your self esteem
  
• Be more assertive in life
  
• Consider self defense class or martial arts. Great for the body and mind too!
  
• Sit down with your fiance to share your rationalised feelings and request him to take it gently and slow.
  
• This is very important: Agree with him that he will stop whenever you request it. However please do not expect him to stop close to or in the middle of his orgasm.
  

As others said, there is free counseling, it may be wise to utilize these services.

 

Important is that you commit yourself.

 

You can do it!

[hardcharger]

your slightly hurt goods and hopefully as time goes by the memory will fade some, but I doubt it will ever go away. I would tell him, no from behind sex. never. we are all "damaged goods" in one way or another and I think you are dealing with you hurt in the right way.

[Deviant_Kate]

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network has a free 24 hour hotline that you can call to talk to somebody if you'd like: 1.800.656.HOPE. I do agree with a lot of posters that counselling would do you a world of good. You should also do a search for free or sliding scale counselling in your area (I see you're college aged - most colleges have counselers you can talk to), and maybe you should look into counseling with your fiance so he can be there for you and so he can actually talk to the counseler about how what happened to you has affected him - he's probably suffering too, knowing that the woman he loved was assaulted and he can't take your pain away.

 

I think you're doing surprisingly well. Especially since it was only a year and a half ago. Rape isn't like a broken leg - it doesn't just heal after a couple of months. You shouldn't expect yourself to be "all better" by now - no decent person would expect you to just move on from this, especially since you haven't sought therapy.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and congratulations on your engagement. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[Day_Walker]

Until you work out this issue rough sex is always going to be a problem for you. Rough sex may never be an option for you, you just have to combat that particular issue and see where it leads