Reverse Psychology

[Anna.]

I went and saw my boyfriend this weekend. I had been having alot of problems w/ his family lately, the last time I saw him we got in an argument, and I just was stressed out about the whole relationship. I really thought I wanted a break from him, but I didn't know how to tell him. I just feel so obligated to keep in contact with him and go see him and all of that sometimes.

 

Anyway, when i got there I was able to tell him everything that was bothering me which made me feel bad b/c I thought he wouldn't understand and he did. But I was still thinking I need to do what I came for. So i kinda talked him into him telling me he thought we needed a break (for my sake cause he could tell I haven't been happy lately). But he was very calm about it. He started being very technical, like "we can talk once a week to make sure we're ok, but that's it." And he'd quit calling me his fiance and everything else. He'd still be there for me like always, but he didn't want to trap me. And he was tired of me being wishy washy, too, like sometimes I act like i'm head over heels and the next week i'm indifferent to him, so he didn't mind giving me some space to figure out what I really wanted.

 

And it hit me hard that it would just break my heart if he did all that. I love him too much. and I want to hear from him everyday and I want to hear him say I love you to me everyday.

 

So I cried and said no I don't want a break and I need you and everything else. We kissed and made up. But after it was all over I realized he had done all of it on purpose. He called my bluff. He knew when he was blunt and not emotional about being on a break that I would flip out and realize that's not what I wanted. So I said, "you did that on purpose didn't you?" And he told me yeah that he had to keep me in check sometimes. Then he had this little smug attitude after that. He wasn't mean or anything, he was just playful about it.

 

What's so crazy is that if he'd have flipped out and cried and told me he couldn't live without me, we'd probably be on a break right now! But when he tried to give me what I wanted I quit wanting it. Can somebody explain this to me?

[DN]

Time for you two to talk constructively about your problems and quit playing amateur psychologists. One day it will backfire on you and you'll find yourselves broken up and wondering how that happened.

 

Honest communication and negotiation and compromise. Try that instead.

[Fisch]

Yea, humans are pathetically easy to manipulate aren't they, even on matters such as this. I agree that you 2 need to stop playing games, and discuss things as equals. Think about things as objectively as you can think about feelings, and talk it out with honesty.

[Hope75]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you were being a bit wishy washy.

 

You say you can't live without him and you need to hear him say 'I love you' everyday, but you told him you wanted to take a break.

 

Who's playing reverse psychology here?

 

You need to figure out what you want and communicate that to him openly and honestly. Playing games and taking a break isn't going to solve your problems with him. You need to be able to talk about the REAL issues that are at hand and work through them if that's what you want, or end it, if not.

[Anna.]

I know I'm wishy washy. But I do always know I love him with all my heart and that I respect him very much and vice versa.

 

It's just in LDRs after a year or so it gets stressful, you know? Like, sometimes I feel like we're not even together and we have the whole world against us. My parents disapprove and his family is involved with some shady dealings which bothers me. But none of that is our fault.

 

And I jump to conclusions and assume he won't understand, but when I go see him and talk face to face, he always does understand and it all comes back to me why I fell in-love with him. We did talk about all of our problems openly and honestly after all the drama. And when it was all over everything was great.

 

So maybe our problem is I need to quit jumping to conclusions and underestimating him. I really thought he was gonna be needy and flip out, but he didn't and it made me reevaluate everything. How is it that he knows me and how I think so accurately, but I'm always surprised (usually for the better) at how he reacts to things?

[Momene]

I've never bought this break stuff anyway.

[valiantv]

Sounds like he knows you better than you think! And that you are a bit wishy washy... And maybe a little bit selfish...