Not able to get over my ex, need advise....

[Pkittie]

I am having a very hard hard time figuring out my relationship with my ex. I met him 2 yrs back through a matrimonial website. We had many things in common. After 4 months of friendship he & I started to date. He has been thro many women in the past but he said he was looking to settle down. I was very scared when he started to say that he did not want to hurt me. We were not right for each other, I was too innocent for him. I had been divorced for 2 yrs when I met him. My ex hubby got married & he supported me as a good fren. He wasn't emotional in the relationship & I was madly in love with him.

 

So after 2 months of dating we ended up getting physical once. He was very selfish in bed & treated me like an animal. I was heartbroken & we had a lot of arguments. He decided to split saying I was illogical. I went crazy....Days & nights of crying. He said it was physical attraction & he liked me a lot as a friend but nothing more. I didn't know what was hurting more the pain that he left me or the fact that this guy also dumped me after my husband. It's very hard to put down everything on the posting. In a nutshell he left me crying & at the worst juncture of my life where I was unstable & dealing with job issues as well. After a month he was dating another gal. I called him back after 2 months to talk & he said he was dating someone & I shud not call him. After 3 months he broke off with that girl too. He called me back after 6 months apologizing for his behaviour & wanting to be friends.

 

I decided to meet him. He usually always makes the decisions when to meet. So we met after 6 months. I realized the feelings were still there in my heart. After dinner we went to watch a movie & we were hugging each other. After the movie he came to my place & we were talking & then he started to kiss me & I started crying. He kept saying I was very nice to him & he's sorry. We kissed & then he left. No calls for 2 days. I called him back & he said he just wants to be frens & he shouldn't have kissed me. I was a mess again. He called again after 10 days & aplogized & wanted to be frens.

 

I thought to myself I have no family not much close frens so I enjoy his company. We started to spend time together, go for movies & he would come home for home cooked dinners. He told me more about his life & how he has never been in love. That hurt He talked & talked...So he came & went as per his wishes. He never spent weekends with me. He took me out on my b'day which I was floored by. In may 2006 after 6 months he left the country since his visa expired.

 

In past 6 months we spent a lot of time with each other. He has no dearth of frens then why was he coming to see me. We break off & then we start talking. Someways he dose show affection. I was crying bitterly the last night before he left. He came to see for couple of hrs. This cycle has been continuing for so long now. He cannot be back for one yr. After going back he called & talked for an hour. I wrote back saying I wanna cut all ties, i wan't emotionally over him. After a month I just sent him a message about getting a new job. He mailed to congratulate me & I mailed back. He called back immediately & talked for an hr. He told me he doesn't know why he misses me so much. We chatted then for 2, 3 hrs. Since then we have been in touch once a week or so. We chat on net. Sometimes he pings sometimes I do. A week back I told him jokingly on chat that he has fallen in love with me. I was just pulling his leg. I sent him that kiss icon on yahoo messenger & he sent it back to me. I told him I wanna know the truth & he said it was 1.30 AM in the night & he wanted to sleep. We continued this long chat & he said we shud talk on the phone about it. I never called him nor did he.

 

A week later he pinged me & chatted normally. I'm so hurt....I saw his profile on a matrimonial website this morning. I'm so confused....He's my fren now so why should it hurt. I try to do all positive things. Concentrating on my work, going to the gym but still I feel like a loser when it comes to him. I want him to tell me how he feels about me. He knows very well how I feel so it means he does not care. I want to die in my sleep. I'm just losing my head, the thought of him marrying someone breaks my heart into pieces. I cannot continue to remain frens with him. I have logged off yahoo messenger I will not contact him now.

 

If he calls me ever what should I do? For days I have been reading books "rules on dating" & what not. I never cry in front of him, never pursue him or show my weaknesses. But to myself I'm becoming a wreck. I'm 31 but I feel life is over for me. I could not imagine that I would be so unlucky in love. I really enjoy his friendship but I cannot bear to see him with another woman. Meanwhile I tried to meet other people but internally I'm too depressed. I don't like anybody's profile. Please tell me what to do now. I'm losing my head.....

[blemished]

It's FRIENDS.

 

It sounds like you should a) get some therapy in order to become self-sufficient and not so reliant on other people for your feelings of self-worth and b) forget this loser.

[rose2summer]

Hmm...interesting post. Welcome to enotalone, we are a very friendly group of people in situations much like your own. He was selfish, he broke your heart, you had many arguments, it seems you are very upset over him, so what I think is best is to avoid contacting him, give yourself some time to think, really contemplate the relationship, and decide if he is truly someone you can see yourself with. I seems like you want a relationship so you can have someone to lean on, but you must be fully whole and complete, and give out of abundance, not to receive in return.

 

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[Pkittie]

Rose you seem like a beautiful person....

[rose2summer]

Oh thanks Poochie, I am really flattered by your comment

[rose2summer]

I am really curious here, what country is he from and what is a matrimonial site? Is that a dating site or one where you actually get married? Please enlighten me.

[Pkittie]

He's from India & we are both from Delhi. It's a matrimonial website called link removed You meet people & then take it from there. People in the US actually date before marrying. Few Indian singles here so mostly people use website.

[rose2summer]

Hmmm....do you live in the US? Are you determined to marry an Indian man or would you marry outside of your race? I wonder because it seems like you are really limited in meeting a good man if you limit it to the very few single Indian males in the US. I know many American men who find Indian women to be very exotic and beautiful so you many want to broaden your horizons some. This guy just concerns me, when you described him, I already had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach because he seems degrading to you and that bothers me.

[Pkittie]

I do live in US. I would prefer an Indian man which makes it very hard to find somebody here. But anyway I hope God has his plans for me as well.

[Anotherday]

Gosh Poochie, I am sorry.

 

In reading your post it was eery the similarities between your ex and mine. My ex sure liked my cooking, always decided when we'd get together, and his weekends were his weekends.

 

All in all, let's just say I am comfortable calling my guy a jerk. My guy (formerly) is inconsistent, selfish, and can be mean. I don't know if this applies to your situation, so I'll just speak for mine.

 

At any rate, it is not about you, rather him. You sound wonderful. He sounds like he has "issues." As we sometimes say in American, it looks like you might have dodged that bullet.

 

Chin up, and there will be someone better in your future.

[ChickLuver]

Poochie

 

I find it really disturbing that how a man can behave in this manner. I am Indian too but it's unbelieveable as we Indians are known for long lasting relationships and strong values. It's a good idea to just forget him and try to start a fresh life.

[whoops]

i think you are living in la la land if you say that indians dont have issues they do - good stong values etc is a thing of the past and you cant put that down to culture anymore - indians are confused about what they want just like everyone else -

 

I feel for the lady above but emotionally she may not have been ready - she can find someone who wants her and she isnt old so life is not passing her by - remember marriage is for life not just for now so look towards that dont settle please!

[Pkittie]

Today is Val's day & my heart is breaking to wish my ex boyfriend but I won't

 

His b'day is coming up on 25th feb...is it ok to send him an e card? He took me out on my b'day for dinner ...As a fren he was quite sweet to me. He e mailed me to wish me X'mas but i told him not get in touch as I cudn't handle being frens. I sent him a very sweet mail and said goodbye. But his b'day coming close I really reaaly wanna wish him....what to do?????

[kate111]

Are we allowed to recommend books here?

 

The "book Ït's a Break up Because it's Broken" was helpful to me.

[Pkittie]

I'm feeling very lonely...somewhere in my heart there is this vaccuum I dunno my ex bf's b'day is approaching near & I really am wanting to send him an e card...plz advise...Otherwise we'll lose touch forever...