suggestions, should i call

[Dmvcc]

So, long story short, a my ex who hurt me more than once 3 years ago, recently called me out of the blue one night. We did talk for about 25 minutes or so and kind of left the converstaion in the air. It was the first contact in any manner, i had with her since breaking up. Consequently, 4 months after we broke up my dad suddenly died. Needless to say, it has been a rough couple of years. This was not something she knew until I told her in the phone call 3 months ago. When she called, I was kind of involved with someone and now I am not. I have been thinking of calling her every night, but I just dont want to get hurt again, and I feel kind of embarrassed that I would even want to try again. My family and friends do not necessarily think highly of her, but they dont know her all that well either..Please help.

DM

[arwen]

Do you want to get back together? In Holland we say, never shot, always missed. Sometimes you need to take risks! Maybe have a casual date for coffee, and try to get an idea about where she's at.

 

Ilse

[PRSOV]

Hi Dmvcc,

 

That's a tough one because it is such a long time to call an ex out of the blue.

 

When she called you recently what do you think her intentions were? What kind of things was she bringing to your conversation?

 

PR

[Dmvcc]

when she called, she apologized, she said she thought about me every day. and she didnt want me to think she was calling for herself, that she was genuine in wanting to know these things. She asked if i hated her, to which i told her no, and at the end of the call, she asked if i ever wanted to hear from her again and i basically brushed it off, i said, sure, you know to keep in touch, yea...bla bla bla...and then we said goodbye....

[arwen]

I think you should call and arrange to meet her. After 3 years, a person can really change. I also think you should take things REALLY slow. She might just have gotten out of a relationship, and call you because she's heart broken.

 

Ilse

[PRSOV]

I find it a bit odd, she actually takes the time to call... yet she didn't really make anything of it, a bit lazai fair if you ask me.

 

Personally my opinion would be to sit on it for a bit, see what she does next... Her intentions really aren't very clear.

 

Are you interested in getting back together or would it be better just to accept things and move on from here?

 

PR

[Dmvcc]

well, it has been 4 months since she called, it was back in april, she had also called in january and lft no msg, saw her on the caller id when i got home. Im not sure if i would get back together with her, but i think that it would be nice to see her. we were on and off for 6 years, so it was a big part of my life. im a firm believer that a zebra never changes it stripes, but she is 28 now, not 24...maybe people do change.

[PRSOV]

That's definitely a fair call... this decision is totally yours, and only you can apply judgement to whether you want to initiate contact with her again.

 

She seems quite confused... you told her you wanted to stay in touch yet she has come four months and nothing? Do you know if she is or was seeing anyone else recently?

 

PR

[joyce1412]

her phone call to you is out of the blue, yet not so out of the blue...i think a lot of people will call to "check in" with their old exes when they're feeling lonely, going through rough patches, et cetera. at least it's a phenomenon i've seen (and experienced) many times. the time it happened to me my ex was definitely looking to get back with me, but [confession] i've checked in with old exes as well. at times it has been out of romantic interest, and at other times i couldn't have been less interested in dating them again. sometimes when you're feeling low it just feels nice to get a quick boost from someone you know still cares, on some level at least.

 

she could be interested in you again, but it's also possible she's having a low self-esteem moment, feeling lonely, or several other things. so however you choose to address wanting to try again with her (if this is indeed what you want), you have to consider the possibility of being rejected and ask if the whole thing will be worth the risk. it's been several years since you broke up, so my guess is you've had a lot of distance from the relationship and are healed--am i right? personally, i don't think it's a terrible to give it a shot if this is true (though it's worth noting that your friends and family don't like her--always a big red flag, no matter what, in my opinion.)

 

even if she is interested at this point, she might be a little reticent just because it's been so long, because you have a history, because she's afraid of rejection...so try throwing her a little encouragement. you could give her a call and say, "hey, i'm going to be in your neighborhood on sunday, wanna grab some coffee?" something really casual.

 

if she says no and also doesn't make any attempt to reschedule, then you have your answer that she's not interested--because no matter how busy she is she WILL make time somehow if she's into you. if she says yes, meet her, be your fabulous self, say you're not dating the girl only if she asks, and let her take the reins from there. don't call her, let her call you. this is not something you can force. and after all she's done, she HAS to do a little work.

 

good luck friend!

[joyce1412]

p.s. i just saw the details you added about her contact with you...it's disappointing that she didn't try to call you again, but you can still re-initiate contact if you like--the coffee thing or whatnot. like PRSOV said, your call.

[kadvati79]

For gods sake man.... CALL HER

 

Call her now

[Dmvcc]

Joyce, what great advice...tks. to all of you...fyi Isle, i was in amsterdam two months ago...what a fun city! crazy, but fun...to answer, joyce, i think i am healed, prsov, i have no idea what she has been up to...literally no contact, updates from friends on either side for 3 years. That is why she didnt know about my dad dying. i really loved this girl, but a lot has happened to me too in 3 years...where as before i may have been a bit shy, naive and tolerated more than i should have, i am a different person today. I will not tolerate things i shouldnt, i am no longer naive and I have been trying to be more aggressive with women (not in a creepy way...lol, dont worry), just advice other girls have given me. I am pretty self confident in my looks and have dated some very beautiful girls. this one may not have been the "hottest" but obviously did something to attach to my heart..maybe it was that she was my first true love

[Dmvcc]

keep in mind joyce, that i really wasnt very enthusiastic in my tone when i said to keep in touch. i am sure she noticed it. it may have sounded like, "Sure, but for what" and i was falling asleepi because it was 2 in the morning when she called and after that i said, but i have to go cause i cant keep my eys open and she said it was nice talking to me, bye.

[PRSOV]

Now I have a bit more information about the situation I am going to say call her, I don't she has the courage to do it... I think she is sorry about what happened between you both.

[Dmvcc]

well, i will sleep on it tonight, it is 1am here, i will keep all of you posted though, thanks so much for the advice, i will let you know tomorrow night if i do anything.

DM

[PRSOV]

Dmvcc, Keep us posted

 

PR

[joyce1412]

hey man, any news on this?