It took me 30 years and 2 marriages to realise I've been a lesbian in denial all my

[Tigris]

life. My fiancee and I have had a lot of problems physically and mentally throughout this first year of our relationship and we've managed to overcome them. We've also had numerous problems financially. Everyday seemed to be a fight to overcome one problem or another. Eventually things started going smoothly. Or were we just being lulled into a false sense of security?

 

Recently I started organising the wedding (Civil Ceremony in England) for next July. I telephoned the Registrar's Office and came up against a problem straight away because she's Austrailian. I was told to contact the Immigration Office. They informed me she has to be in England 7 days as a resident before we can make an appointment to go infront of them to get permission. Even I have to show my passport and I'm a British Citizen and was born here! I then phoned the Registrar again and pleaded with them to keep us a slot for our wedding on 21st July. They agreed to write it in provisionally.

 

I just get that problem solved and then there's another one 'thrown' at us.

 

I've found 2 lumps in my left breast! The doctor's confirmed them and I have to go to the hospital 17th August for x-rays, scans, etc. They've told me I'll be there for 4 hours! I'm not going to tell my 2 younger sisters or Dad because my Mother died of cancer in November 2000. They didn't cope very well then and I know they'll be more of a hinderance than a help now. It's usually me who has to hold them together and I'm finding it hard enough to hold me together right now.

 

My Fiancee lives in Austrailia and she feels like she's letting me down but she hasn't got the finances at her disposal to jump on a plane right now. She's supporting me as much as she can emotionally. She understands what I'm going through because she's been through the same procedures before. I wish she was here to hold my hand through the whole thing.

 

I'm worried because I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (she has too) and that makes pain 10x worse for me than a 'normal' woman. The women I know that have had biopsies have all said that the procedure was painful for them. If that is the case what is it going to be like for me when they stick the needle into 2 individual lumps in my breast? I'm frightened!

 

The irony is that when I was young I wanted to be a boy. When puberty came I wanted my breasts removed. That continued for most of my life! Last year I had to decide whether I was bi, a lesbian or wanted to have an operation to change my gender. Eventually I realised I was a lesbian and fell in love with my fiancee. She loved me for who I am and unconditionally. It was then that I realised for the first time in my life I loved my own body.

 

In just over a week there's a possibility I have to make a major decision involving my body. Haven't my fiancee and I been through enough already?

[coollady1957]

Tigris, you are obviously a very strong person no matter what ,to have dealt with your life issues.

 

I am sorry to hear of your current issue with the lumps in your breast. I certainly hope that everything turns out for the best for you and you can continue your plans to be with your fiancee'.

 

It is normal to feel frightened over what is happening. I am going to think good thoughts for you and the outcome of your tests on the 17th. I can sympathize with you on the being scared. I have been through various tests before , so I can feel your anxiety as I type this.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Tigris,

 

I feel with you, it seems life is testing ones strength at times.

 

I regret that you found lumps in your breast. It is not very unusual and the tests should not overly hurt. Local anaesthetic may be available when you ask for it.

 

Just looked up FMS, seems to be a bit like "universal unwellness", what are your specific symptoms?

 

We will think of you on the 17th.

[Managor]

My best wishes will be with you on the 17th. My father died of cancer in 2002 and my mother's had a bad case of breast cancer, so though I've never had any myself it's played a large part of my life. Like Coollady said, you're an incredibly strong person and I hope this doesn't turn out to be cancer for you.

 

It would be great to hear, in a year's time, that you're going well with your wife and that the world's shining on you two, I think that's something you deserve anyway.

 

Thanks for sharing this with us, and I wish you all the best, will be thinking of you on the 17th.

[FoxLocke]

Omigod Tigress, I hope things turn out well for you. I think that you are one of the most inspirational people on the boards. You are candid and willing to share the most intimate parts of yourself.

 

I hope, and pray, that the lumps are benign and that you and your fiancee' will be married and you can detail us about the ceremony and honeymoon...

Hang in there.

 

Blessed Be.

[Tigris]

Thank you for all your good wishes and support.

[fluffy_girdlebuns]

Thank you to everyone who is wishing my darling Tigris such wonderful sentiments...you have touched my heart.

I know we will fight our way through anything that is thrown at us...we have already had our fair share...lets all hope this is the last of it...but as the saying goes "what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger"

I love you my Tigris...now and forever my love!

[nottoogreen]

Hi fluffy_girdlebuns,

 

All the best to you as well!

 

I wish both of you that all this adversity only increases your desire to succeed and that all turns out well.

 

If you need a shoulder or two to cry on, you know where to find us.

[Tigris]

Not doing very well at present. I'm crying most of the time. My fiancee was trying to put me in a better mood. It took her a long time yesterday. I've been to the psychiatrist today and he's upped my depression tablets to 40mg for a week to help me cope with the hospital on Thursday. That's the day I get the breast tests.

 

I wish it was Thursday afternoon and it was all over and I knew what I was dealing with.

[nottoogreen]

Sorry Tigris,

 

Tests are not a big deal and for your good in order to detect issues earlier.

 

Please hang in there. Be positive, you will grow plenty old, probably outlast me.

[Managor]

I haven't forgotten to keep wishing you luck, I hope everything goes fine, only a few more days

[Tigris]

Thanks for your support guys.

[coollady1957]

You have been in my thoughts daily since I heard of your health concern. I certainly have a good feeling that things are going to turn out well for you.

 

I well understand your anxiety and the need to cry. I have felt that inner turmoil before and it is not fun.

 

I wish the very best outcome for you and that you soon will be back on the road to making your future plans with your fiancee'.

[Gecko]

I wish you all the best of luck, Tigris.

 

I wish I could help in some way...

[Tigris]

Update

 

I received a letter in the post this morning saying my appointment has been postponed until next Thursday. My fiancee is very angry that they've done this to me. She says it's not right that I should be stressed out for another week. She's right but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

The good news is I've only been crying a little bit since the psychiatrist upped my medication.

 

Thanks for your support everyone.

[Managor]

I'm sorry to hear that, it sucks! I hope you don't stress out too much...

[Tigris]

The hospital sent me for the mamogram and ultrasound and then I went to see the doctor. He said he's sure it's nothing to worry about, however, he was curious to know what the lumps were so he asked if he could take a biopsy. The needle hurt a lot. I asked for a local anaesthetic but they wouldn't give me one.

 

I've got to go back in a month for the results.

 

I'm ok, but sore. It feels like I'll be bruised tomorrow, but that's nothing compared to what could've happened if I hadn't gone.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Tigris!

 

Good to hear from you and that it went ok.

 

Please keep us posted.

[Managor]

Fantastic news! Let us know what it turns out to be, if you want Really happy to hear it wasn't anything to worry about