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Help: How do you open to someone new??


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It's been 5 months since I ws dumped, she returning to her ex and getting married next month. I broke NC 2 weeks ago, and actually felt better..it put an end to my fantasies and it also made me realize I had pedalized her.

 

I've met someone new. She is a lovely girl, beautiful, with a thousand times more common sense than the ex. We have a good time together, but when we are apart the ex thoughts come roaring back with a vengeance.

This AM I stumbled accross old ex photos on my computer (I thought I'd purged them all) and am now flailing and in grief.

 

I don't want these thoughts anymore. I want to move one. I had dated this new girl for a while, then stopped, and then missed her. I know this has potential..she is attractive and really nice..the ex is sinister, deceitful, a smoker, an alcoholic..the outcome here is sensible and the way it should be...

 

But I am a mess... I am even missing my ex before my ex and tried contacting her..she has moved on too. HELP... how do you get control? I am 55 and have gone thru a hellacious divorce 10 years ago, recovered,etc., but this break-up of 5 months ago has been like nothing else.. I was so in love and so deceived by her. It was a shock. I know if I was with her that it would never work...a far greater hell if we got back... she'll be on an oxy-bottle in 5 years...or worse..but she is the most attractive woman I have ever been with and our love, to me, seemed resonant. Yet it must have meant nothing to her. I feel like I am grieving her death as well as the shock. This is insanity.

 

I don't want to blow this. I am so confused..worse than ever in my life.

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It's really hard to open up to someone new. What I think helps is developing some close female friends who you can confide in so that you will feel more safe/comfortable with women in general. The fact that she left you for her ex must have really hurt but with time all wounds will heal. I know your ex sounds great, but remember there are 6.5billion people in the world so if your ex was 1 in a million, there are 6,500 of her out there. Following a break-up it's completely normal to feel that the ex has deceased, because they have in your heart, and emotions are far stronger than any physical ailment. She doesn't seem to have the characteristics you want though, she has many negative qualities you pointed out, don't overlook those in the hope of recinding how you feel about her, focus on those because that's what will help you move on. I am day 10 No contact, so I completely understand how you feel, but AVOID her like the plague, she isn't worth your precious time.

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Could you be clinging to familiarity and old memories? I don't mean clinging in a desparate way, but maybe she represents a safe place after that bad divorce. She may not be what you need if she hurt you and left you.

 

I tend to dwell on the past a bit, and like you, have plenty to revel in, but the new lady's potential needs exploring.

 

I know how it feels to want the impossible, even though it's bad for you.

In your situation, I'd focus not on the ex's faults, but your new lady's strengths, and perhaps my own. Ditching the souvenirs might help a bit.

 

I wish you luck.

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Letting go of the past is the only way to find happiness in your future. There will always be memories, you just need to put them in perspective to where you are today, a reality check if you will. In order to give this new girl a chance, you have to give yourself a chance. Stop trying to raise the dead when the living has so much more to offer.

 

RC

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