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What would you do or tell someone to do?


Beec
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Yesterday, someone asked me what to do when one hears someone else is being abused?

 

He has recently moved. There is couple that lives in his new building, in which the man seems to be abusing the woman. He yells at her, and there seems to be some idea that he hits her.

 

The person who ask me could probably beat the crap out of the abuser. He asked me if he should knock on the door and threaten to do so. I have a tough time recommending that he do so.

 

His other options that I see are to do nothing, call the police or say something to her, such as telling if she ever needs anything, etc. to just let him know.

 

What do you think someone is such a situation should do?

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if he hears fighting that sounds like she is getting hurt physically call the police.

 

If he gets a chance when the husband isn't around and won't find out, he needs to let her know that she can come to him if she needs anything, but I wouldn't do it if I thought he might get caught because in my own experience abusers are highly jealous and will attack out of fear of the abused leaving.

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Hi Beec,

 

You asked advice about what your friend should do about his new neighbours. May I suggest that your friend maybe have a little get together...use the excuse of just moving in or something...get to know the neighbours. Perhaps the girl, if she knew there was a friendly face about would have the strength to cry for help if she needed to.

 

But your friend is male, which could make her partner worse, you didnt say if your friend had a female friend or partner...maybe she could be the one to make friends.

 

Learning what I am learning about abusive men makes it a difficult one...playing them at their own games is dangerous I suspect...But like a game of chess the most aggressive attacker can be foiled by intelligence and forethought.

 

But Bravo to your friend whose first instinct is to knock the living daylights out of the bully...there are decent men out there afterall.

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It's tough to play hero in this situation, especially since he doesn't know them.

 

I'd say next time he hears an argument or hitting, he call the police and report what he suspects. The police would show up and the woman would either have him locked up, or not. As far as him putting the smack down on the abuser - not worth him doing jail time for hitting scum. As far as confronting the woman while she's alone - this would be my last option.

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My suggestions were to call the cops and tell her that he was there if she needed anything.

 

I think there comes a stage when you do have to just step up and beat his head in, but she has to be in immediate danger before I'd feel that's my place. I have to think of some many I have seen posting here who after being abused still want the abuser back. Until you know the abused person is ready to leave, I think you have to be careful to not make it worse.

 

Would it also be possible that be being nice to them, by looking at the abused person and sending the message of "HEY, SOMEONE CARES" that you might help them to that decision. Is it possible that you could provide that boost? Or am I just not thinking right in that regard?

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Call the cops is about all he can do. As for personally getting involved, never ever. This is one of the most difficult situations to deal with. Ask any police officer what part of their job they hate, they will all say domestic abuse cases. Your friend runs the risk of getting himself into more trouble than he can handle no matter how big he is.

 

The problem is the dynamic in situations like this is hard for most well adjusted people to understand. What happens a lot of time is the abused realizes they may lose the abuser and come to the conclusion after years of "reliance" on the abuser, that they will not be able to be on their own. Add in the factor of "love" and you have a volitile situation for an outsider to be in. Its not uncommon for outsiders to get invovled in situations like this only to have the abused turn against them, whether physically, verbally or legally.

 

Case in point. A friend of mine saw a man hit his GF. My friend grabbed him and put him head first into a wall. When the police came the first thing they said to my friend was "you are lucky SHES not pressing charges against YOU." Sadly this is not uncommon.

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I would actually suggest talking to the woman first. He should tell her what he suspects and that he's probably not the only one you thinks that. Suggest she get help, etc. If she denies it, so be it. But make sure that the guy tells her that if he hears anything else he is going to the police and then follow through. For some reason I always believe you should tell someone before taking an extreme measure in thier disfavor. Like if my friend's bf was cheating on her I would go to him first and make sure he knows I'm about to rat him out. The ideal case would be that this person takes the necessary actions themselves but obviously it doesn't always work like that. At least this way she has the opportunity.

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I would call the cops, while the argument is on.

 

They had a media spot about this only a few years ago I remember, a couple heard physical abuse and yelling and "ignored it" and saw the women with a black eye next day.

 

To be honest, I could not just sit and listen to it, nor could I ignore it. But I think if you don't know them, approaching either of them is dangerous. If you approach him, not only could he hurt you, but just be more "quiet" about the abuse in the future. If you approach her, and he finds out, it could punish HER.

 

Warning him that you hear and next time will "call the police" will probably have HER suffering (in silence or worse...).

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I would advise that he call the police, but try not to get personally involved.

 

If he goes to the wife, and the abusive husband finds out- or she TELLS him (which is highly possible, since she is already mentally manipulated by her abuser) then there is just going to be more abuse to her and potnetially threats made to him.

 

If the police come the abuser will know that someone has their eye on the situation, an she will know that someone cares. They don't need to know who. At the most, when the jerk is not home, your friend can leave a pamphlet of an organization that can help her under her door, etc.

 

When the cops come it will be up to the wife to take action. At least if your friend calls the cops during these arguments, he can have a criminal history logged for the abuser.

 

BellaDonna

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I just thought of something else....if your friend beats up the abuser- I bet you the wife will then pity the abuser and it will have just the opposite effect your friend was hoping for.

 

Violence doesn't help violence. He should use his phone and not his fists if he truly wants to help.

 

 

BellaDonna

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I just thought of something else....if your friend beats up the abuser- I bet you the wife will then pity the abuser and it will have just the opposite effect your friend was hoping for.

 

Violence doesn't help violence. He should use his phone and not his fists if he truly wants to help.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

Exactly. And an abuser convinces the victim that she deserves it and if she is still clinging to him, she would side WITH the abuser against her "saviour." I know when I was in an abusive relationship, I just saw people trying help me as people trying to break us up and not understanding that he treated me like this because I "deserved" it.

 

Best to call the police. Even if she turns them away, there would be a record of incidents. Second thing is, if your friend sees her alone, offer some support.

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