Why do wives always blame the other woman instead of their cheating husbands?

[ChrissyV]

Hello! You all helped me out about a month ago when my friend was having a problem with a married man who refused to stop pursuing her even though she refused contact from him for over 2 months. She did give him the chance to stop contacting her. She told him that if he didn't stop, she would tell his wife. Apparently he didn't take my friend seriously and he persisted in trying to contact her. We're talking about 15 phone calls a day, driving by her house, banging on her door, etc. After thinking long and hard and taking all your advice into consideration, we decided that she should tell his wife because she had the right to know and plus, we couldn't think of a better way to make him stop contacting her. (And we preferred not to have to go the police route if we could help it.)

My friend doesn't know the wife personally, but we had heard stuff about her through other people we know. That's because we both work in the legal field and so does the cheating guy and his wife. We had heard that the wife is all about "woman power" and she's always bragging about how proud she is to be an independent working woman, and how pro-female she is.

Upon hearing this, my friend and I were certain that once this type of "independent woman" who believed in "woman power" found out that her husband was creeping behind her back, he'd be in big trouble with her.

My friend anonymously sent to the wife's office a letter discussing everything that happened along with a bunch of the guy's incriminating email. My friend also left a bunch of the guy's perverted voicemails on the wife's personal answering machine at work for her to hear. My friend made one phone call to the wife and when the answering machine picked up, she played a few minutes worth of recordings of him talking dirty. That's all she did.

Apparently the letter and the email and voicemail evidence my friend sent to the wife worked. It seemed to work like a charm. The guy stopped contacting her. Then all of a sudden, a couple of weeks ago, a detective from the police station called my friend! The cheating man and his wife had gone to the police station to try to file a complaint about my friend for harassment! The two of them had gone to the police seeking "guidance" about what to do about my friend! (I guess they thought the police station was the marital therapy office or something.)

We were both really shocked because if anything, my friend was the one who could have gone to the police about him for stalking!

Luckily for my friend, the detective said that what she did (telling the wife the truth by sending one letter and leaving one message on her answering machine) was not considered to be harassment. But the wife kept insisting that the police do something about my friend. She was intent on getting my friend in trouble! Because the wife bugged the detective so much, he called my friend to ask her what happened. The detective was very nice and understanding and once my friend told him the whole story from the beginning, he knew for sure that the complaint from the wife was a total crock and a ploy to try to get revenge on my friend.

A couple of days ago, my friend submitted her own evidence to the detective, including copies of email, voicemail recordings, etc. The detective called her earlier today and said that he got a big kick out of listening to the pervy voicemail messages. He told my friend that he had called the wife a couple of weeks ago and told her that this whole situation was most likely resolved and it was unlikely that she and my friend would ever even cross paths.

At which point the wife said to the detective, "I know my husband had an affair."

So here's what I don't get. This woman KNOWS her husband had an affair! Then why was she so bent on trying to get my friend arrested for something she didn't even do wrong? Basically, the wife's determination to get my friend in trouble ended up making her husband look very very stupid in front of the police. Especially now that the police have all the evidence of her husband saying really humiliating perverted things on tape. The detective literally said that he and all the police officers got a great laugh out of the whole thing. They said that everyone at the precinct cracked up all day about it.

So anyway, here's a serious question. Why do wives get mad at the other woman and not the husband?! In my opinion, the cheating husband deserves a big bashing from the wife. Not to say that the affair partner is blameless, but I think greater fault lies with the husband!

I've never been married, but I've been in a serious relationship where I found out a guy was cheating on me. When I found out, I kicked him out the door before he could even begin rationalizing. I wasn't thrilled with the other girl, but I wanted to beat the hell out of the guy I was with, not the other girl.

So this phenomena of wives wanting to destroy the other woman always confused me. I mean, it makes a lot more sense to whoop your husband's a** than to have to whoop the a** of every girl that he tries to cheat with. Anyone have any thoughts?

[Sally00]

You're absolutely right. I have no idea why they don't blame their cheating husbands... Well, I would blame BOTH of them (if the other woman knew he was married)... but I'd put most of the blame to the person cheating.

 

I watch Cheaters and I see the spouse/partner being more upset at the other person. I'd beat the one who was cheating to begin with!!!

[southerngirl]

I wouldnt agree that 'all' do anything BUT

 

I think maybe they do that because they wouldnt want to believe that their man is the lying cheating snake that he really is. Perhaps they are so scared to move on and lose an unhealthy relationship with a dishonest partner that they want to misdirect the anger on the other person.

 

If my husband cheated on me it would be HIS problem, not the other woman as he has the commitement to me and no one else has that commitment. It is a very touchy situation and I honestly do not know what I would do. I'd like to think I would leave him.

[Dako]

Saving face, shifting alliances and fear can be surprisingly unpredicable.

This as volatile as US foreign policy.What did you expect?

 

A wife spends years looking out for a guy, and she feels he's being threatened. Sure in time she may figure him for a louse, but that takes time. It's always different when you're the one in the fire.

[shes2smart]

If the wife can blame the other woman, her life doesn't need to be uprooted or markedly changed.

 

If she blames her husband, that means she has to deal with the fact that she's married to someone she can't trust. It may mean she would have to deal with the practical and financial ramifications of getting a divorce. In many cases, after divorce, the female partner will end up worse-off financially than the male partner....especially if there are children involved. It may mean finding another place to live & moving (which is a pain in the butt under the best of circumstances). It may mean having to find a job, if she's been a housewife/stay at home mom. It means having to let family/friends know what's going on, which can be mildly embarrassing or downright humiliating. It means having to get a lawyer to walk her through the legal aspects of divorce.

 

If she blames the other woman, she can call this person who she doesn't know a tramp (or other choice words/phrases for a woman of easy virtue), or, in the OP's friend's case can call her a stalker, psycho, crazy rhymes-with-witch....other than the emotional pain, her day-to-day life doesn't really have to change. She can continue to ignore the truth about her husband and not have to uproot all that is familiar with her life.

 

Much as the wife in the OP's post claimed she knew about her husband's affair, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she didn't know or wouldn't acknowledge it until the OP's friend gave her no option but to confront the truth.

 

It's amazing what people won't see if they don't want to see it.

[Bethany]

she's always bragging about how proud she is to be an independent working woman, and how pro-female she is.

 

It comes over as revenge, vindictive and cowardly. She should have told her face to face as a woman if the only reason was that she wanted to stop.

Your friend not only slept with her husband, she also ruined her life. She sent an anonymous letter and made malicious phone calls and you say "That's all"?? What else would a woman do when she felt her whole world was being threatened?

 

You're friend is lucky she only went to the police, I would have gone to her house and punched her in the mouth.!!!

[cherry_o88]

i blame the other woman. she should never have been involved in the first place.

[Dara]

It seems to me that by going to the police she unintentionally got back at her husband. If she hadn't then the entire police force wouldn't have had a chance to laugh at his attempts at seducing you.

[shes2smart]

It seems to me that by going to the police she unintentionally got back at her husband. If she hadn't then the entire police force wouldn't have had a chance to laugh at his attempts at seducing you.

 

But how clever if it had been done intentionally...make the cheating hubby the laughingstock of the local police force....I hadn't looked at it that way before, but now that you've brought this up.....that would be just brilliant.

[vandgsmom]

Ok... I haven't gone back to read the previous thread, but did she or did she not sleep with the husband?? Or was he just pursuing her??

 

The doc that I worked for before this one was a cheater too. He had been married once, and his current wife cheated with him on his first wife when she was 8 months preggers with his 2nd child. He left #1 and went w/#2. They had one child and he cheated. She hated the other woman. Took him back and had child #2. He cheated on her with a nurse in the broom closet while she was in labor. Another doc caught them and it got back to his wife before she left the hospital. She took him back and pursued the hospital until she got the nurse fired. Over the years he slept with a sister-in-law, 2 of her co-workers, 3 of his secratarys, another doctor, several odd strangers and a half dozen others. Every time he got caught she would go tooth and nail after the other woman until she ruined her life as much as possible. The last one was our office manager. He was 53, she was 21. He divorced his wife for her and then she wouldn't marry him. As soon as the other woman was out of the picture, the wife proposed to him and took him back.

 

I tend to think that irratic, irrational behavior like the OP's example and this one are more like abused-wife syndrome, or Stokholm syndrome. People develop unhealthy attatchments all the time and have feelings that aren't justified by reason. Much as we want to, we will never be able to figure out people who can't figure themselves out....

[ChrissyV]

All your insights are great. As a couple of you have stated, it makes sense that a woman who has been married 20 years (who had no reason to believe that her husband was cheating until my friend told her) would find it easier to handle this revelation by choosing to place the blame on the other woman rather than her husband who had the ultimate responsibility to remain committed to his marital vows. As southerngirl and shes2smart expressed, it's probably easier to blame the other woman than to face the music and accept that the man you've been married to all this time was a fraud and a snake who can't be trusted.

I guess it sort of did turn her world upside down and she's now dealing with the shock of how to handle the fact that her husband is a big liar and a total cheat. It is much easier to go into denial and make yourself believe that someone seduced your husband rather than the other way around, although in this case, it was the guy pursuing my friend relentlessly, telling her all sorts of slick lies.

I'm not making excuses for my friend getting involved. She knows it was wrong. But she's 25, a nice person who is naive and too easily taken advantage of and deceived. This guy was 51 years old and totally set out to make her his prey while simultaneous deceiving his wife.

So I really think the wife's wrath is misplaced.

 

And Dara, that was a very accurate and humorous commentary. Yes, indeed, the wife unintentionally got back at her husband by going to the police. My friend said that when the detective called her today, he hard a hard time controlling his laughter on the phone. He apparently thought the pervy voicemails and emails were insanely funny. The husband became a total laughingstock. The detective expressed sympathy for my friend because she realized that this was a situation in which she was taken advantage of by someone twice her age who really should have known better.

[ChrissyV]

Vandgsmom, that was an insightful commentary. And a crazy story!!!!

My 25 year old friend had a sexual relationship with this 52 year old guy who was a partner in the law firm that she worked at.

 

>>Much as we want to, we will never be able to figure out people who can't figure themselves out....

 

I totally agree with that statement!

[vandgsmom]

Thank you , Thank you... I aim to please...

hee hee

 

It is hard to just stand there and watch while others wreck their lives around you, huh? It is nice that your friend has someone like you to lean on and try to figure it out for her....

[dksh44]

I just went thru that I met a lady at a department store,stating chatting one thing lead to another like a idiot i jumped in a relationship with her,She was going to get a divorce and did and guess what?Did the same thing to me,back in march she moved her ex boyfriend in which her oldest kid turns out to be his by DNA,Her ex husband is paying child support on,and now is marring the ex boyfriend best friend which is living with her.I did the no contact thing since i broke up with her in march and gave her key back.But about two weeks ago i ran into a worker that works with her and she asked why i still called the ex she told her i still called her.To be honest i seen red and that night i found some pics she sent me of various parts of the body,one with a inanimate object placed.If u get my drift,Some how they were sent to all in her address book by mistake,LOL she tried to im me i denied it,NC all the way.she did send me a email that her new bf was 200 times better than me and her life was great,and that i couldnt afford the ring she had on her finger.They was paying 75,000 down on a house,BLAh Blah By the way the ex husband got the dna report.But he stilled blamed the divorce all on me,so men and women do that.But the moral of the story once a cheater always a cheater!!!And dont do anything that will come back bite u on the lower extreme.

[comfyshoes]

i think that it may simply come down to the pain, shame and self doubt that we suffer as a result of loving and trusting someone who goes on to betray us.

[amtjrtcet]

I'd blame the cheating husband and the other woman, but mostly the cheating husband.

 

I'd leave his a$$, no, kick him out on the street, take him for everything he was worth, make sure every breathing walking woman knew what kind of cheating scum he was, and I'd let the whole world know that she was an nasty, home wrecking mistress.

 

I've had to do it before, but I'll never have to do it with the same man twice. Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice...I'm an idiot.

 

I know alot of people can work through infidelity, but I couldn't EVER. Even if we had 3 kids and had been married for 20 yrs, if he cheated, I'd be gone in a heart beat.

[minniegirl]

I did this for a very long time. It was always the woman's fault. It wasn't until a week ago that it finally clicked. It's not her fault (especially if she didn't know). It's his fault, every last bit of it.

[Darkeyes]

Well I believe it is the woman who controls the aspect of sex... without the woman's consent, there is nothing happening no matter how much a guy wants it... So in other words, it is the woman who will dictate how far things will go... and woman know this.. nuff said...

[catwalk]

Chrissy, I hear you!

 

My friend cheats on his girlfriend a LOT. He's slept with at LEAST 10 other women in their 7 years together. Who does she get mad at? The poor girls who didn't even know she exsisted! And me, she always gets mad at me no matter what or who he slept with.

 

I don't get it either. I guess since they stay with the cheating scumbag they have to be mad at someone, ANYONE, so they don't feel realllllllly stupid.

[Atticus90]

because without the other women, no cheating could of possibly happened

[Flux]

because without the other women, no cheating could of possibly happened

 

Thats a load of crap, lol. Women blame the other woman because its simply easier, and there more likely to blow off steam. And lets not forget the * * * * *iness factor, most women like nothing more than a bit of drama and * * * * *iness....

 

And not in all cases do they blame the other woman, just depends on who the other woman is also... If it were you best friend sleeping with your partner, you would kick off a right fuss at the 'best' friend. Its dependant on situation

[Robinson]

a** than to have to whoop the a** of every girl that he tries to cheat with. Anyone have any thoughts?

 

if you allow me, being a married man right on the middle of a hurricane of being chased as hell to cheat:

 

1 - there is no stereotype here. Each case is a case.

 

2 - your view makes sense, the OW is the last one to be blamed by the official one. She should blame in this order (and now for a surprise):

 

1- her husband

2- HERSELF

3- the OW

 

Then it all depends on the case. My corrections comes to the fact you use the "he tries to cheat with" when that's a stereotype. Men (and women) aren't all hungry dogs chasing, sometimes we are chased. A lot. And sometimes we are in difficult situations, for example, not feeling wanted at all at home, feeling like the last of priorities, feeling powerless after discussing it endlessly and seeing no changes and then... witnessing someone rather interesting chasing us as if we are all that and the rest. Who's to blame? I agree with you, the last one is the OW, but EVERYONE ELSE is to blame.

 

Regularly such failure comes from 2 individual failures: one fails to RESPECT the other, and the other FAILS to avoid taking the first one for GRANTED.

[beauty21]

It's easier to blame the other woman, because they keep their husbands on this pedestal. They don't want to lose what's familiar. And they are brainwashed, thinking this is all they are good for, which is so not true.

[mrmaximum]

I've never heard that before, but when you consider it, it's obvious its very true!! Thank you for posting this, every married person should know this bit of info, NEVER take your SO for granted, and when it happens (which it will) LISTEN when they talk to you!!!

 

I'm putting this in my little book of memorable posts!!

[comfyshoes]

i blamed myself for her cheating.

that suited her just fine because she blamed me too