Things CAN get worse...

[Hope75]

I don't think there's anything wrong with calling him after the baby is born, on the same day (if it's not the middle of the night) if that's what BTR wants.

 

I just think that her peace of mind during the delivery is so important- she really will need to be able to focus on the task at hand and not his family them being difficult.... which given how she's talked about his mom I could see that happening. So to elimate that chance altogether, she can just call him once it's over (or the next morning, depending on the time).

 

She did cut the relationship with him already- but that doesn't mean that her child doesn't deserve to see his father and to know him (if R can prove that he is safe to be around the baby and responsible with him), but the baby isn't going to know if R is there or not in the delivery room, and the primary focus there is BTR and her focusing all her energy and emotion on getting her son out. She only needs people who are stable and supportive to her with her that day, and it seems to me that it's pretty clear that R and his mom will not be providing that.

[BornToResist]

The reason I don't tell his mom anything is because I feel that's they're relationship. I don't feel I owe her any explanation and if he's keeping things short and simple to avoid any confrontation from her (which I would understand) than so be it. I wouldn't appreciate him telling my mother things that I'd wish to not discuss. I also understood why he'd want to invite me to the family function...everyone wants to meet me and would ask him questions as to why I wasn't there, and if he wants to keep up the facade, I just think it's not really my place.

 

He went to one childbirth class. It was right after that he decided to tell me I was selfish and childish and questioned paternity. My mom went to the rest with me.

 

I did tell him that it's never going to work out between us. And it's not my intention to keep the fact that the baby was born from him. I just don't want him there in those few crutial hours when all I need around me is positivity and support. Even knowing he was in the waiting room would send my mind into the "what SHOULD I do to make everyone happy" state when I really shouldn't be concentrating on that. I hope that makes sense.

 

I don't want a romantic relationship with R and I made that clear. I told him flat out that it's not going to work, now or ever and he should really stop "trying." He said okay. So other than R's avoidance of reality, things should be crystal clear.

 

The reason I don't want to talk names is because I see it as my choice. Maybe I should be firm, but I'm nine months pregnant and I've put up with so much already, I don't want to be pressured any longer as to why I don't want to name my kid an extremely ethnic name...an ethnicity that's not even my own. I tried to explain it to them before but time and time again it falls on deaf ears. They chose not to listen in the first place, so now I'm choosing to keep my mouth shut. Ultimately I'm going to do what I want anyways. I tried to be rational, fair, and to compromise, but how do you do that with those who have no regard to what YOU are saying? It's either their way or mine. So I'm choosing mine, and I do feel guilty about it, but I know it's for the better. I'm going to be given hell when they find out I didn't give the baby his last name, and I feel strange doing it. But I know I'll feel even more strange enrolling him in school with a different last name...one from a man who has done little to nothing for this child so far (hopefully that will change in the future, but as we all know, he hasn't done anything to prove it) and I can't guarantee he will at all. It's a last name I will NEVER have, and I'm going to be taking on this task and I feel I have a right to have it's last name be the same as mine. I still feel strange about it on some level and lose sleep worrying about how I'm going to tell R since it's bound to turn him into that mean hurtful person.

[BornToResist]

UPDATE

 

I had yet another doctor's appointment today...they sent me to the hospital AGAIN. Three hours and a million tests later, they sent me home again. The nurses and I are on a first-name basis even!

 

But I'm officially on bed rest. I can't do ANYTHING other than eat and lay on my left side pretty much. No laundry, no cooking, nothing. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

 

The doctor wants to see me next week and told me that they're probably going to induce me Monday or Tuesday.

 

I can't believe it, it's almost time...

[ImThatGirl]

Chin up - and don't let this consume you, Sweetie! Rest, rest, rest....!

 

About the last name... I SO wish my kids had the same last name as myself. I did the nice thing, gave them their dad's last name (it had a little to do with the fact that my last name is so long!) Anyway - filling out paperwork is never fun. I think - Ah - if we just had the same last name.

[ImThatGirl]

UPDATE

 

I had yet another doctor's appointment today...they sent me to the hospital AGAIN. Three hours and a million tests later, they sent me home again. The nurses and I are on a first-name basis even!

 

But I'm officially on bed rest. I can't do ANYTHING other than eat and lay on my left side pretty much. No laundry, no cooking, nothing. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

 

The doctor wants to see me next week and told me that they're probably going to induce me Monday or Tuesday.

 

I can't believe it, it's almost time...

 

I was thinking this might happen!!! Only a few more days!

 

Hugs~~~ To you and your baby!

[BornToResist]

About the last name... I SO wish my kids had the same last name as myself. I did the nice thing' date=' gave them their dad's last name (it had a little to do with the fact that my last name is so long!) Anyway - filling out paperwork is never fun. I think - Ah - if we just had the same last name.[/quote']

 

Thanks!!

 

That's what I'm worried about. I have been told by other mothers who eventually split with the fathers about how they wish their kids had their last name. And if I'm not interested in getting married to him anymore, then I don't see why I would automatically do it.

 

It makes me feel weird because I have tried to bring it up...I told him I'm not okay with having the baby have a different last name than me, and he doesn't even see it as an option to have it have my last name. He just says we can still get married.

 

It bothers me though because this child will have a sister, and I think that's strange to have different last names. Maybe he can hyphenate them later on, after he decides if he wants to believe that the baby is his or not.

 

But mine is pretty simple, and his is SO LONG and complicated. I have not met one person who can say it right. Another thing in my favor I guess.

[Dilly]

I'm so happy your little boy is going to be in the arms of his wonderful mother in a matter of days!!! You have been such a good mother to him already, put yourself in good hands with your family, established a good separation from the negative influences that drug you down, and put up with a bunch of feedback from me that wasn't helpful in the last days (I just want to say I'm sorry for pushing you and I do think R and his mother are entirely creepy, just so you know). I want you to know I really really am proud of you and know that this baby is going to give you a whole new world to breathe life into! He is going to be smart, beautiful, and loving and give you the most unconditional love that you have ever imagined in your life, the kind of love you probably gave to underserving R the last months. I hope that your little boy brings out only the best in everyone. And no, you never have to worry about R- getting rights to your child. He's so far gone that his only hope is long-term rehab to keep him out of trouble for the time it takes for his record to get clean.

[Dilly]

Giving the baby your last name when you know you don't want to share a life with R- makes perfect sense, especially when you don't like his last name and when the child could theoretically be adopted by your future spouse since R- likely wouldn't even be able to get partial custody or be willing to pay child support. Even if he is in the picture part of the time, you could still technically let a future hubby adopt your child if R- is negligent enough and the future follows the same course as the past. I hope knowing that you aren't into R- in a romantic way anymore that you merely move on without making his parental role easy for him. If he wants to see the child, make him do all the work, transporting of himself, and funding of support. I'm not saying to make it hard on him, just don't help him by using your time, money, and emotional resources to go out of your way to make his parental role possible.

[Dilly]

My tune has officially changed on your interaction with R- based on what you have said. You are done with him. You don't want him in your life. He's not welcome at the delivery and you don't want the baby to have his last name. These two facts alone are completely justifiable. I only hope you drive a hard bargain from this point forward. I have only now begun to accept that you are done with him, based on your preferences re: name and delivery. And now, I am going to support you 100% in ending that romantic relationship once and for all. I used to think you wanted to help him, that you had some hope in reuniting, that you secretly wished he'd call. I accept now that you are done with Sir Creepy and will focus all of your energy and love on your child.

 

HUGSSS!!!

[BornToResist]

THANK YOU DILLY!!

 

I really tried to make it work. I tried harder than any sane person should. But that switch flipped and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I stopped our sexual relationship long ago, I only call him once a week maximum, and only have seen him twice since Christmas Eve (and he drove out to see me, I refuse to drive out to see him).

 

Things really are different. It's WAY better for me, but there's still that little part of me that wishes I could provide that "family" for my child (although we all know there's no way I could ever get that with R regardless of being in a relationship or not)...I think I'll feel that way until I finally meet a good guy who is relationship material.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I really tried to make it work. I tried harder than any sane person should. But that switch flipped and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

BTR, you really did. No one could have tried harder than you. But unfortunately it is a two way street and you are now looking out for what is best for the baby and for you. You have been incredibly brave and strong throughout this entire ordeal and I think your baby is a very lucky little boy to have such a strong and smart mama to take care of him and protect him!

 

 

Can't believe it is just a few more days!

[BornToResist]

Thank you Hope!!

 

I just think to myself that this time next week, if all goes as planned (cross your fingers!) I could already be at home with my little one!!

[redrose85]

and then you MUST post pictures! I'm all excited for you lol

[Mythical_Suicide]

Hoping you have your little one soon! Sending easy labor vibes your way!

[BornToResist]

Hoping you have your little one soon! Sending easy labor vibes your way!

 

Thanks, I will DEFINENTLY need the good thoughts!! I'm pretty nervous!

 

Luckily I have spent about 6-8 hours in the hospital this past week and it has gotten me over my fear of hospitals (usually I leave before I get treated...) so that's a perk.

 

But from what I've read/researched/heard, being induced is a lot harder on your body than just going into labor naturally...I don't know if there's any truth to this or not (hopefully not!). I decided I'm not against an epideral and will use one if I feel it's getting too intense, or if I have a difficult early labor. If all goes off without a hitch, I'll avoid it, but I'm not sticking to it, ya know?

 

I talked to R tonight. He emailed me and I emailed him back and let him know what was up. He said he got a panic attack when he found out I was on bedrest because it's coming so soon. He called me later on and he has an interview on Wednesday and has a dollar in his pocket. It made me feel better about what I'm going to do. He's not responsible...he's nowhere near being prepared to be a new father. So why should I treat him as he is...?

 

Anyways. I'm probably going to update a million times because I'm stuck at home taking it easy and going out of my mind.

 

I love you guys!

 

Oh and I'll definently post pics, one of my shower gifts was from a professional photographer and I get a free session with pictures. How great is that??

[Mythical_Suicide]

Thats great you finallyl decided what to do about "R" I say it is totally best for you and baby for him to not be there. Good Luck Girl!

 

On a sidenote about being induced, yes the labor pains are more intense then they possibly would be without medications. I was induced with my son and it was fine up until they upped my dosage of Pitocin and Oxytocin then my contractions started getting more intense and I got an epidural which didn't work so in the end I had my son as I had planned originally all natural. Just keep your options opened and if it gets to be too much dont fret about receiving pain medication thats why its there for ya Know besides once your baby is born you forget all about the pain (You really do!!!). Please keep us updated I enjoy reading your updates

[BornToResist]

Good to know, Mythical!

 

I'm nervous about custody again. Everyone keeps telling me what I need to do about everything. They say I can't be nice, I can't give an inch, I have to go to the lawyer asap, get ready to go to court, etc. It makes me feel like I'm going to be one of those bitter women...you know the kind I'm talking about...the ones that are proud they sued their men for a certain amount of alimony, or talk about child support in terms of dollars...I don't want to be like that. I want what is best for my kid. Period. But this is scaring me beyond belief.

 

They say I can't be nice about it. They say I can't let R take the baby at all, even to run over to his mothers who lives a couple blocks away because it would show the courts I trust him with the kid and they'll give him more custody. They tell me not to give him his name AT ALL, not even hyphenated, and threaten to go to court if I don't get my way with basically everything.

 

This is scaring me. I can't keep him in here any longer and I'm going to have to face this and I don't know the slightest way to do it. This is big and important, you know? I guess anything I let happen with this kid will be laying down how court would go. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me.

 

But what about R...? He doesn't have a place to live or any money or any way to take care of a child, so I doubt he'd try until he does. But IF he got his stuff together (which there's no reason to believe that's going to happen...) and I really supposed to fight tooth-and-nail ALL the time to keep my child from having a father...?

 

Okay but R is scary. He is the dad, but there's no reason for me to think his drug problem is gone. We used to do drugs in the bathroom when he had visitation with his daughter. He didn't care. He'd have druggies over and lived in druggie houses (without me of course) where they just leave the powders on the table. What makes me think that has changed...?

 

R jumps out of cars to fight people. In traffic. For everyone to see. I have been with him three times this occurred but he only got caught once. This hasn't changed...

 

What about how he treats his daughter...that hasn't changed. He doesn't know there's a problem there. There's documented violence between him and his exwife (she had a restraining order on him for supposedly beating her up, although we know she made it up...), his daughter isn't allowed to be a child.

 

A part of me thinks that yes, he should have to fight to be in this kid's life. Just last month, if it has even been that long, he told me that he still thinks I've been trying to ruin his life by having this baby and he's not convinced that it's even his. He doesn't care if he hurts ME in regards to this child already. He's made the bed, now he has to lay in it I guess. He has done NOTHING to prepare to be a father figure or even just a positive figure in anyone's life, so why would I just hand him that card without earning it?

 

I told him months and months ago to get his act together. And it's not like pregnancy is just a blink of an eye thing, it takes nine months. You get the better part of a year to prepare for this child, and all he did was nurse his drug habit for most of it, burn bridges with me, and dodge reality. Not to mention live as a bum and quit all his jobs over and over again.

 

I don't have anything to worry about...I don't, right? It's just so scary because I'm down to the wire. I don't want to be a big bossy meanie because kids deserve to have fathers, especially if the father WANTS to be involved. But it's my job to try to protect him, right? I just don't want to be the type to fight him on everything and make life hard for my child. *sigh* I wish I could look 10 years into the future and know what is right and wrong for me.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I think before you create situations that have not even happened yet you need to talk to a family lawyer about it. Be honest with him and tell him about R's drug use, probabation and assault record, homelessnesss, joblessness, all of it.

 

Ask him for advice as far as what is best for you child, and go from there.

[BornToResist]

You're right.

 

It just put me in a weird mood to be woken up with that kind of conversation.

[Hope75]

But you're right, there is little to zero chance that R would even be able to see your son without supervised visitation. And if he's really wondering if that is his baby he needs to get a paternity test done too before he has any "rights".

 

Let him reep what he's sowed.

[Scout]

Hi, BTR...I know this sounds easier said than done, but why don't you try to take things one day at a time? Try not to project too far into the future. Try not to worry about more than one thing at a time.

 

And while I understand why you have these concerns, I seriously doubt R has either the money or initiative for a custody battle.

 

Now, onto something happier...your baby is almost here! We are all so excited for you!!

[BornToResist]

...take things one day at a time...Try not to project too far into the future. Try not to worry about more than one thing at a time.

 

You're absolutely right. I'm in a better mood today where that's concerned. It's the key really...I can only handle one thing at a time anyways. And right now, that's going to be delivering my little one. I really can't wait anymore.

 

I can't believe how close it is. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and see what she says because I feel terrible. I'm getting a really bad itchy rash all over my stomach and I can barely handle it. If I scratch it, it just makes it worse. I'm having trouble sleeping because of it, and nothing helps anymore. The only relief I get is taking a million showers and baths but then it's just as bad when I get out. My feet and hands are breaking out in hives and it won't stop itching...it's really annoying. So I think it's time...I have trouble thinking this is normal. I have a lot of contractions but they're still braxton hicks but they feel like they're getting slightly stronger (I hope so anyways). Hopefully they'll be able to do something for me. I finally feel ready.

[Dilly]

I read last night that fortunately, if you have lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, your body may be slowly getting you more prepared for the later stages of delivery (it won't happen all at once), minus all the acute pain. Weren't you 2 cm recently?

[Dilly]

About the custody issue, sometimes I think in your case, you are much better off than you even know. I don't see personally the harm in protecting your child. I don't think you really would feel safe letting him take your little boy in a vehicle, do you? I wouldn't put up fences in your mind just yet, but I would consult an attourney, not an aggressive balls-to-the-wall attourney, but a good one and most importantly, take it one day at a time.

 

You got your act together. Keep it together and everything will be fine. Yes, your child deserves to know his father, but... not if he poses a threat to the child.

[southerngirl]

For all I knwo by now you are having that baby...... I had not logged on here much this weekend so decided to quote a few things I was inspired to reply to. That is below.....

 

Im wishing yout he best luck! HOping for a safe and quick labor! Hoping for happiness and HEALTH.... Much love to you BTR...

 

You did all you could do to save your relationship with R. You are right on that. About custody and visitation? Its whats best for the child. Dont worry about how he feels, he doesnt deserve that... Protect your baby. It is your right.

 

You do what feels right for you... and don't worry about R and his "rights". He isn't your boyfriend, he has done nothing to prove he'll be a good parent, so IMO he can find out after the baby is born and come and see him then.

 

I agree 100 %.... Its all about you BTR! Dont worry about what his rights are, he doesnt deserve it.

 

They chose not to listen in the first place, so now I'm choosing to keep my mouth shut. Ultimately I'm going to do what I want anyways. I tried to be rational, fair, and to compromise, but how do you do that with those who have no regard to what YOU are saying? It's either their way or mine. So I'm choosing mine, and I do feel guilty about it, but I know it's for the better.

 

Dont feel guilty. You are right and you owe them nothing.

 

That's what I'm worried about. I have been told by other mothers who eventually split with the fathers about how they wish their kids had their last name. And if I'm not interested in getting married to him anymore, then I don't see why I would automatically do it.

 

Add me to that long list. My 9 year old has his dead-beat fathers name complete with 'junior'...... Oh, I was young and stupid and dreamed of fairy tail endings. His dad has never been around, I wish I had named him differently. He has always gone by his 'middle name' not his first name. His last name is a name that I have never signed on any paperwork or carried.....

 

Give your baby your own last name. Its your name and your baby....