Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

It really sux he left you in that state of mind. His excuse will be that you hung up on him. I wouldn't have given him that out. I wouldn't have wanted him to be able to fall back onit. It's just really tumbling out of control, now, isn't it? He is such a schizophrenic in terms of his addiction to sex, drugs, and laziness. I really think you're better off without the dead weight. What will you do if he calls you?

 

I don't care at this point what excuse he uses or why he says things are my fault. Even if I did everything perfectly, he'd just make things up to make himself look better.

 

If he calls me, I don't think I'm going to answer for a while. Not until I have a few more excellent weekends and feel strong enough. I really want to be out of this rut and I don't trust myself to be strong enough yet. I'm positive that I'm not there...yet. But I will be.

 

R is my Kevin Federline. LOL Sorry, pretty corny, but it's funny and true.

[Hope75]

You know, BTR,

 

I've been thinking R was like K-Fed for awhile but didn't want to sound tacky.

 

You sound so positive and strong right now, and I am very happy for that. I think that avoiding his calls for awhile until you are really strong is a good idea too.

 

Remember that there will be tough times when you feel weak and want to talk with R and believe him- but you already know that you can't believe him because he has proved that you.

 

So when you do feel weak, come here, or call your friends or talk to your mother until you get through it.

 

You CAN do this.

 

Great job, girlfriend!

[southerngirl]

Im happy to see your feeling better! Stay strong, you can do this!

 

Must have been a great time seeing all your old friends!

 

R kinda is like K-Fed.... funny you say that I thought it too!

[scarew]

YAY!

 

I am so happy to hear that you had an awesome weekend! That "relationship" was keeping you from having good friendships with these people. You deserve so much better BTR. And btw, whenever R decides to contact you, IMO, he doesn't DESERVE to be a part of the babies life yet. Its like that childhood story about the little chick that didn't help pick the wheat, grind it, or bake the bread, but wanted to eat it. R has done nothing but be negative for the duration of your pregnancy, he hasn't earned baby time.

 

I'm glad you got everything with the baby shower worked out. I think its still good to keep in contact with his side of the family ONLY IF you are strong enough. Good call on having a few more great weekends until you even think about picking up that phone.

 

ENJOY your last few weeks! Call your old friends and go for coffee (or steamed milk in our case) as much as you can! Every day if you feel up to it!

 

Your new years resolutions are awesome I know you can stick to them.

 

Some advice, since you are now free and coming down on the homestretch. Make a list of positive things you can do for your physical and mental health until the baby is born. I am coming up on halfway here, and my list looks like this:

 

At least once a day:

- get 30-90 minutes of moderate excersise (= easier labor!)

- ensure 20 minutes of "me and baby" time: bath, read, meditate, sing to baby...

- Do at lease one social thing each day (even if it means going for coff with mom)

- ensure I get enough fruit and veggies

 

At least once a week:

- Get self organized for baby by cleaning/organinzing for at least 2 hours

- Feed my mind (outside of school work) by reading something intelligent

- Do at least one random act of kindness for a stranger

 

At least once a month:

- Look over goal list and keep self in check

- Make more goals

 

 

Focus on YOU for the next 7 weeks BTR. We are ALL here for u!

[BornToResist]

Thanks!!

 

I think I'm going to steal your list, scarew, and call it my own. Sounds like you're going to be such a wonderful mommy!

 

My next few weeks are PACKED. I have my childbirth classes to go to on Mondays, my birthday is next week (hello manicure and pedicure, much needed!), my baby shower, plus finishing up school, going to a CPR class, AND taking the GED. Wow, that's a whole lot. So I'm going to be busy, no time to sit and think about R.

 

I'm going to make an appointment to see a lawyer because I'm nervous. I KNOW in my heart that no court would take my baby away and give it to him, but I don't know what the best course of action would be. And I know R is going to expect overnight visits probably immediately, and well that's not going to happen. I just don't know what's okay to say no to and what will screw me later on. Or maybe I should take him to court ASAP before he has a chance to make it look like he's stable...get everything established while he's living in a motorhome or whatever. I don't know.

 

Last night I couldn't sleep (I don't think I'll be able to much from this point on) because I was so concerned about visitation and all that (not to mention the hot/cold spells, the trips to the bathroom, the heartburn, tossing and turning...) I know I shouldn't worry but I can't help but do so. It's coming down to the wire (FORTY days left!) and I have no idea what to expect.

 

As for his side of the family, they are so supportive of me. His mother just wants to ensure she's going to get to see the baby, and if she's buddy-buddy with ME, she has a greater chance. I live closer and R pulls stunts all the time where he just decides one day that everyone is out to get him and he cuts everyone off. So she'll definetely be there for me but I'm not going to use that because it just doesn't feel right anyways.

 

And...what if we get visitation established, then one day we meet up to exchange the baby and I can see he's high...? I know I'm just going to say no way, but what will happen then...? What if I'm wrong? Ah so many questions!!

[BornToResist]

Just a thought....maybe if his ex gets custody of their daughter and moves out of state, maybe he'll go with them?

 

I asked him about this before, and he said as long as I was willing to work on our relationship and he felt like he had something down here, he would stay...but he doesn't have that anymore....so I wonder.

[Dilly]

Would you want him to go away? I honestly would at this point.

[Dilly]

You have every right to demand supervised visitation, if he gets visitation at all. Courts dont' tolerate drug use. You also need to keep your nose clean as a whistle from drugs/alcohol/shady friends. These situations can escalate into removal of the child from both parents if you both have a dirty record. He CAN be drug-tested. I'd talk to a lawyer immediately and refrain from any verbal committments to his mother or anyone else until you know more. You're going to have all rights to custody no matter what. All you have to do is keep doing what you're doing and keep him at arm's legnth. Glad it's over. Maybe he can get back into shape with his life, but doing that on New Year's Eve, it's apparent his priorities are partying and gallylagging! Split!

[Dilly]

If he moves, he can't take the baby with him and he will have to pay his own way to visit the child.

[BornToResist]

Yeah I would want him to pretty much disappear. He doesn't have anything to offer this baby. As I have written before, he has done absolutely nothing to prepare for the birth and has fought me tooth and nail on EVERYTHING and will continue to do so, if only to make my life harder. He does drugs (which I'm sure he'll be doing a lot more of since I'm not around), he acts crazy, he isn't much of a parent at all. He didn't even want this kid, only control.

 

I know he can't take the kid with him, no way. He's the one moving away. It would clear up a lot of craziness if he'd just leave. But then again, I'm biased and the courts won't see it the same way as me.

 

Miraculously, he doesn't have any drug convictions on his record. He's never been caught (crazy, he used to sell too and always brought it up when we were together but I always said I'd leave if he sold...). My record is completely clean. I've already disconnected from all druggies I know and am on the straight and narrow.

 

I know his ex brought up drugs and they said it was heresay. He knows how to play the game for the most part, meth stays in your system for 3 days, pot stays for a month, etc. But all he'd have to do is show up with glazed eyes and I'd flip. God this is so scary. I gotta see a lawyer I guess.

 

I've also read that if I put his name on the birth certificate at all, then I'm screwing myself. It's like I have to go for blood or I lose a lot of rights...I just want things to be calm but that's impossible at this point.

 

On a lighter note, I'm still doing great, not wanting to talk to him at all, no calls so far, things are rolling right along...

[Dilly]

I wish we had a thread strictly on custody. I have also been advised NOT to put the name of the father on the birth certificate. And not to give the baby my boyfriend's last name. But you know, I have heard from other lawyers that THAT is not always smiled upon by the courts. Some judges look at that non-disclosure by the mother as a nasty little sign that they are hiding the truth or that they were promiscuous and slept around. I don't know, may be worth asking a lawyer.

[Dilly]

I'm not suggesting we start a custody thread, because if anyone in Robert's family knew I visited this site and my identity, they would go straight to the thread. Anyway, I'm glad you see him clearly now!!! You could acquire evidence in the meantime if you had any inside friends that could do a little recording. I know this is very sly, but so is he and he DOES NOT deserve any rights to custody. Alternatively, you could give the police a heads up if you knew when he might be partying next. I know this is really callous, and I'm not sure I could do this, or that I would. I honestly don't think I could because it's so deceptive. But what are your other choices if he is going to deny it?

 

oops... guesss the post above wasn't a duplicate... just deleted it. But there it is above.

[Beec]

BTR, you do need to see a lawyer. I don't think you have that much to worry about ever losing custody or anything, but the supervised or unsupervised visits might be an issue. It may be that you do nothing at first and only let him see the baby when you are with him. Until he complains about wanting more visitation, it won't be an issue. Courts are going to be very unlikely to take custody away from any woman right after she gives birth, unless she has a record that shows she is unfit or likely to be. The younger the child, the less likely for a mother to lose custody.

 

With R, he is on parole, so that's on big strike against him. He has essentially been homeless, so he is not stable. He has no one to help him, so any care would have to come from him, mostly. He has not worked steadily, so there's another strike.

 

Talk to the lawyer, but you probably do not need to be in a hurry.

[Dilly]

I agree with Beec, as always!

 

But I think there is sort of a race to the court to sue for custody, is there not? I mean, if he files first in his county, will she not have to get a lawyer to go there? If she files first in her county, will he not have to get a lawyer there?

[BornToResist]

We're in the same county. Just far ends of it.

[Beec]

I cannot answer for BTR's area, but normally venue is based where the child is living. Once a court gets the case, usually they can keep it, if the child moves.

[BornToResist]

Okay well I've been worrying myself all day about this. I think I'm done for now.

 

I'll go see a lawyer sometime this month after I write up a list of questions to ask.

 

Other than that, all I can do is take things one day at a time and keep my head about me. Try to remember what exactly I'm fighting for...the happiness and wellbeing of my child. But sometimes there's only so much I can do, and that's what I'll do.

 

R is the father and I cannot change that. I'll just have to adjust myself and yeah I'm sure there will be many more tears and worries and pain over this situation but that's to be expected. It's a part of living and caring for someone.

 

All I can do is try to raise my son in a positive manner and not give up...I can't control everything and that's that. I'll take R's situation one day at a time...anything more than that is completely overwhelming and makes me want to run back to him even though I KNOW it's not a good thing for anyone, with the exception of R probably.

 

SOOOOOO...as long as I don't get nasty and go after him for the wrong reasons, things will be okay. My child comes first now and always will...but I'm only one of two parents and that's that.

 

This kid isn't even born yet and I'm already worried sick about him.

[scarew]

Its totally understandable that you are worried about your little guy. Its a good thing! I agree with dilly and beec, a lawyer is definetly a good plan. Making a list of questions is good too. Make a list of things that you want, like decide firmly that you want the visits to be supervised until he can prove himself. I am SO PROUD OF YOU! You are going to give your son the best upbringing with your awesome morals and values.

 

Talk to a lawyer sooner than a month if it will help you sleep at night. But things like what to put on the birth certificate are really, actually minor details. You have already made the important decisions. Good for you sweetie, you have taken steps that some women aren't strong enough to do. And your baby will thank you for it, not by saying thank you, but by being a stable gentleman who knows how to treat a woman.

[BornToResist]

I am SO PROUD OF YOU! You are going to give your son the best upbringing with your awesome morals and values.

 

...And your baby will thank you for it, not by saying thank you, but by being a stable gentleman who knows how to treat a woman.

 

Thank you!!! This made me feel so good.

 

I'm back for like the millionth time today because I came home and got kinda in a funk...I know I didn't sleep well last night so things never seem alright when you're grumpy and tired...but I checked the caller ID to see if R called. I feel tempted to pick up the phone and call him, but the important thing is I'M NOT. I WON'T. He's counting on me doing what I always do...giving in. So I can't. It'll get easier, this is just the hard part (I hope).

 

The idea of child custody scares the crap out of me and that's kept me around more than once, but I have to remember that taking these steps will make it easier in the long run...I have to deal with this sooner or later. At least I'll be happy this way.

 

Okay I feel better.

[Dilly]

Like Scarew, I'm also proud of you! You are a wonderful person with a great head on her shoulders and a ton of desirable qualities!!!

 

You don't need to worry about R gaining custody, but you should talk to a lawyer at some point before the child is born. A month should be alright if you land a good one right off the bat.

 

Don't call him. YOu did hang up on him, but he was trying to worm his way into the junkie hole again. I'm beginning to think that's where he belongs since that's where he seems most happy and stable, at the bottom of the pit.

 

Let him be. He'll swagger back to you sooner than late. And when he does, don't give him the time of day if he starts laying into you for how you hung up on him. He's so not worth your love.

[Dilly]

But in spite of my last comment, I do know you love him and that he is the baby's father and you can't change that. I don't want you or your baby to feel or be vulnerable to his vices (addictions, tempers, impulsive behaviors, manipulation, manipulation, manipulation, lies, and laziness). Know that you are no captive and you owe him nothing and follow the path your on and see a lawyer.

[BornToResist]

I usually have a big problem with hanging up on someone. I think it's completely disrespectful and *usually* uncalled for. But at that point he was screaming that he didn't care about how I felt, and kept me on the phone despite all the times I tried to get off the phone in an appropriate manner. I had no other choice so he can blame me for that all he wants. Bottom line is, he wasn't treating me like a human being and it would be my fault to stay on the line and let someone talk to me that way...I'd be telling him that it's okay. If he cared so much or didn't want me to hang up on him, he would have called me back. But he ultimately got what he wanted. Freedom. So be it.

 

Last night I was freaking out again, wondering how many tears I'm going to cry, dropping my kid off with him. *sigh* Oh well...but if I think about it rationally, he doesn't have the time, money, or patience to start court battles with me. He's about to deal with his ex wanting to move out of state, he has to find a place to live AND a job...each of those takes more than a month to accomplish. He's not going to be in the place physically, mentally or otherwise, to fight to have custody of a crying, demanding, draining newborn baby.

 

I'm bitter, sure....but I don't want to take it out on this kid as soon as he enters this world. I think if R calls me, then I'm going to just let him know that I'm not going to try to undermine him or fight for something unfair...I WANT him to get his stuff together for the good of his daughter AND his son. I don't want to start bitter custody battles just because I'm upset that he didn't give ME what I need as a person. Maybe if I play it that way, things will be okay for a while. But then again, R is completely irrational and revenge-driven, someone completely unlike myself so I really can't prepare myself in advance. Oh well. I JUST NEED TO CHILL OUT.

 

I went out with my sister in law last night because otherwise I'd just sit there and get sad that R hasn't called. I don't want to pick up the phone because he's just going to be mean and horrible...but as I sit here writing this, I am SO tempted to call him and see how he's doing and if he's okay. Ahhhhhh I can't.

 

Here goes me talking myself down again...

He's no good for me. He doesn't care, he says horrible things, he hasn't brought anything positive to my life for sooooo long...he does drugs, he's verbally abusive, he plays mind games...why do I want to call him....?

 

This sucks.

 

R had a bible passage framed, which I think is pretty darn ironic. Not to get all bible-thumper or anything, but I thought I'd share. I think the last time he lived in a house, I saw it in the bathroom...pretty sure he only used it to do lines off of. Maybe he should have read it once or twice...

 

1st Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, Love is kind,

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

[Hope75]

R had a bible passage framed, which I think is pretty darn ironic. Not to get all bible-thumper or anything, but I thought I'd share. I think the last time he lived in a house, I saw it in the bathroom...pretty sure he only used it to do lines off of. Maybe he should have read it once or twice...

 

1st Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, Love is kind,

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

 

Isn't it funny how R's framed bible passage proves to you that he does not know what real love is and certainly does not know how to love you.

 

Stay strong girl- that is a good passage to keep in mind when you are tempted to call him.

 

You are right that R does not have the time, finances and energy to fight for custody of your child- the judge is likely to laugh him out of the courtroom and I think R knows that, which is why he tries his hardest to threaten YOU- because he thinks that is where he will win.

 

I would still consult a lawyer so you are educated and know your rights- make sure there is nothing that he can use against you when the time comes, because he will have very little to grasp legally but if he gets one thing and latches on- you want to be prepared and know how to handle visitation and such before it happens- so you will be following the law and not give him any ground to stand on.

[Dilly]

Agree completely with Hope. You know, I have kept an open mind about R, but it's closed now. I say move on. Turn over a new leaf. He's really exercised his last chance with you and now in the new year, you have a ton of possibilities before you and you certainly have us. I hope that is more consolation than might seem with anonymous forums, but still, we really all want the best for you and little baby boy. You're going to be fine. See the lawyer, talk about what ammunition R- will have against you and what you have against him. Calling him would only lead to continued codependence. What do you get from him, other than the false fancy that he's a dedicated loving boyfriend. He is when he wants to be, but not when you need him to be.

 

Isn't he an atheist? The idea that he did lines off that verse is sort of sickening and disrespectful or maybe his true love is the line of drug he uses. He's like a sitcom character that people want to see the downfall of.

[BornToResist]

I'm not sure what religion he classifies himself as. But I grew up very religiously and I know he used to attend a catholic church. He did make fun of me for wearing a cross though...*rolls eyes*

 

I don't know why but I feel such guilt about our situation today. I feel like I should be doing more or something. Like I failed since I couldn't keep it together. He didn't even want this kid with me but it was my decision that will keep us permanently bound to each other and that's my fault. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my decision and I couldn't go through with the abortion (I feel like I need to justify my actions...), but he was right. We're going to bring this child up in a broken home and it will potentially be very ugly and painful for everyone involved. And it hasn't even really started yet.

 

BUT it's best that I go on without R because it would happen sooner or later, and it's better sooner. I just have to get that through my thick head.

 

I did everything possible to make our relationship work...it's not my fault it didn't. It's not my fault I'm pregnant and I can't let anyone make me feel bad or embarrassed about it. BLAH I can't wait to get over this step of the whole healing process. It just goes to show just how bad of a hold he had on me...what mind games were going on. He's not even doing it but I'm so used to being blamed for everything, I'm doing it myself.

 

I get so much strength from this site. Just writing down how I feel and re-reading my own words is so therapuetic.