I hit the wall

[Belle]

It's been 6 weeks now. Since I last spoke to the ex, I have made an offer that was accepted on a house and have been extremely busy trying to get everything set up. The house for me means a few things. It means that I'm moving away from the relationship as now I will have roots and can't follow a fool nowhere, which is where he's headed. And it also means that I am settling down. After years of being somewhat commitmentphobic, I'm making a commitment. Spooky stuff.

 

But today I didn't seem to have enough to keep me busy. While I was running away from thinking about things and thought I was over it, I didn't really have time to think about it much. Today I had too much time. My house looked like a war zone because I'm never here to clean it. So I cleaned it. What is usually cathartic for me became too much time to think.

 

I know I did the right thing. You can't make it work when someone doesn't know what they want. Some may never really figure it out. Shoot, I'm not really sure I know what I want. But at one point I was willing to take a chance.

 

Why does it seem that around 6 weeks their absense becomes more evident? He's leaving soon and I'm fully aware of it. I can't move out fast enough. And I dread the last call to return my things.

 

I can only hope that the next 6 weeks will go as quickly as the last. And that I won't think of him at all then.

[friscodj]

Hey Belle!

 

Congrats on the house! You seem to have things figured out, in that this is a new beginning for you and is an epic step in your life, a step away from your relationship there. Great way to look at it...

 

You know, I have heard the words, "I don't know what I want" from exes before (well, they weren't exes yet). Those must be the worst words one can hear next to an unreciprocated "I love you" or an "I don't know how I feel". Cut me and dry me one way or the other, in or out, yes or no, but the interim decisions seem to string you along down the path of destruction just long enough to eventually send you straight into the hurt locker of frustration, indecisiveness, and confusion, like a mouse chasing the cheese straight into the mousetrap.

 

Those words or variants of them have led me in the past to try harder, as if this person's love is there, but reserved, lying in wait for me to coax out or win over, and in the process, lose my self-esteem and perspective of the relationship.

 

So it sounds like you called this one quits from reading your post. Way to go. Seriously, it was probably very tough to do but I too am sure you did the right thing.

 

You mention the 6-week mark in your post. Around that time I've seen is when reality hits you through the veil of denial. Interestingly, this is also around the time exes come running back, having made some epic discovery about themselves or the situation which usually I've seen is more of a manifestation of lonliness, fear, attachment, obsession, and otherwise misguided feelings. So watch out for those little demons whispering in your ear that because this hurts so bad, it must true love and meant to be.

 

Hang in there, I think you are doing more than fine and will be more than fine after this blows over. I have a good feeling about that.

 

And anyone who can use the word "cathartic" in context is pretty dam cool in my book...

[arwen]

Belle, you will be fine. All the things you describe are signs of progress. You moving out, is also moving ON. Settling in a place of your own is a good way to start over. The next 6 weeks will probably be easier than the first six weeks. Things accelerate when you have a new house, a new life to look forward to. The finalizing things are difficult but also good for closure. Knowing that there are no things in his place that are yours, no paperwork to be done for the house, gives the feeling that all the ties are cut and you are free to go and do what you want.

 

You will be fine.

 

Ilse

[Belle]

Thanks Frisco. This house is definitely a maturing process for me. It'll be nice to have my own space.

 

Cut me and dry me one way or the other

 

I agree on that one. I'll know better next time that if someone is wishy washy, I just need to move on. Of course they never start that way.

 

The thing that gets me most is we never had to go through this. I wasn't interested in him initially but he just kept coming back around. Had he just not been selfish we would never have met. He didn't know what he wanted in the end, but he sure did when I was rejecting him in the beginning. I'll never get why you guys seem to need challenge so much.

 

which usually I've seen is more of a manifestation of lonliness, fear, attachment, obsession, and otherwise misguided feelings

 

the ex came back after 5 weeks last time. It was exactly as you described. Misguided feelings. Loneliness and attachment. How could she live without me? blah blah. But he was still the same wishy washy person. I don't mistake the feelings I have right now for true love. One thing I know is that true love doesn't represent drama, unnecessary hurt, and instability. At least not for me. Had it been meant to be, it would have been. The one (if there is such a thing) isn't going to put me through this bullhockey.

 

thanks for your kind words frisco.

[Belle]

You will be fine.

 

Ilse

 

Thanks Ilse. I hope so. I just wnat to be as happy as I was before I met him. His continual reentry into my life always sets me back. As for finalizing things, I don't want my stuff back. If he calls to give them back or shows up, I will ignore it. I can't start from zero again.

[friscodj]

Three points here Belle:

 

1) Probably the biggest and most profound thing I have learned, through my experiences, ENA, etc. regarding relationships (among other things of course as visiting this site has been like an interactive "online course" in relationships for me) is that when I see or sense the "wishy washiness", I pull the ripcord. I have been wishy washed over sooooo many times and each time, fight, rationalize, argue, and otherwise try to talk the other person into wanting to be with me. So essentially I have learned when someone flakes out, why should I leave the reigns of the relationship to them? To a flake? That's the time when the rational and person needs to be strong and take charge. As you said, this person won't magically change. It'll hurt for sure but it'll hurt a lot worse if you get on the rollercoaster with them without restraints...

 

2) You can only do your best, or rather feel like you've done your best in a relationship and then stick to the addage, "if it's meant to be, it will", just like you said. It sounds like you did your best. And "best" does not mean "perfection". It means you can look back at some point at the overall experience and say to yourself, "I did a good job and I am proud of that".

 

3) I think you're better off now Belle. Sure it hurts, the grief, etc. but what people often miss I've seen is that this grief is good. It is necessary. It's a cleansing process for your heart and soul, like doing the emotional laundry. And when the cycle is complete, you'll have nice, fresh clothes that smell better than ever!

[friscodj]

You will be fine.

 

I hope so.

 

It's not an issue of "if", it's an issue of "when". You will be fine, no question about that. And actually, you are fine right now! You just don't feel like you are fine right now. But like we said, this is part of the normal and necessary grieiving process to expunge your system of this. It's like getting sick. You eat some bad food, or eat too much of a good thing, or maybe you're lactose intolerant and have something that doesn't agree with you, i.e. the relationship just wasn't right. You feel terrible like you are going to die for a while, then you puke, and you feel better! Wash the taste out of your mouth, get a good night's sleep, wake up the next day, and feel great. Same thing here only the time frame is a little longer. So have a good hurl!

[Belle]

when I see or sense the "wishy washiness", I pull the ripcord. I have been wishy washed over sooooo many times and each time, fight, rationalize, argue, and otherwise try to talk the other person into wanting to be with me. So essentially I have learned when someone flakes out, why should I leave the reigns of the relationship to them? To a flake? That's the time when the rational and person needs to be strong and take charge. As you said, this person won't magically change. It'll hurt for sure but it'll hurt a lot worse if you get on the rollercoaster with them without restraints...

 

So very true. The problem is, I kept pulling the ripcord. He kept trying to unpull it. From day one when he sprung the news on me that he had lied, I was shocked but immediately wished him well and told him that I wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with him under those conditions (him leaving, not knowing what he wanted). He came back, lied about it. Then admitted later that he was still considering leaving. I pulled the ripcord again immediately. It took 3 pulls to realize that he's just a liar. The last time I just threw the ripcord at him so I don't have to worry about pulling it anymore.

 

I did feel that I did my best. I have no regrets, other than accepting him back into my life. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I trusted an untrustworthy person. I don't know why. I have always been fairly cynical to begin with.

 

I know I'm better off. I may hurt from time to time, but it beats letting my self esteem taking a beating from someone so unworthy. Anyone who's selfish enough to put someone they supposedly love through that isn't worthy.

 

What really sucks is I keep going back to the moment before I decided to give him a chance and wonder what my life would be like had I gone with my initial instinct and told him no. I could have met the right person instaed.

[friscodj]

It sounds like your definition of a ripcord is different from mine! Perhaps, "pull the pin" would have been a better analogy!

 

Everything else aside, you feel like you did your best and that is all any of us can hope for.