Why did this happen?

[xprincessbugx]

After 3 years with my boyfriend we broke up last night. It was mutual. We'd been having some problems getting a long for awhile. We realized it was because we have no common interests. In order for us to try to work it out we'd just have to compromise on doing things the other one doesn't want to make each other happy. We've decided to at least try it for the sake of our relationship because we both still want it so badly. I just don't understand how after 3 years we can have no common interests and that be the deciding factor in our relationship. I mean we've been through a lot worse then this it seems and this is what's gonna make or break our relationship? We're going to try our hardest to make this work but I don't know if it would be better for us both to just let this go and remain friends or try this for awhile and see if it works. I want this to work so bad. He's such a huge part of my life I just can't see myself without him. That was the big thing last night, we both decided it was over and it was like where do we go now? I'm just really confused and some feedback would really help. thanks!

[NJRon]

Why were you two not able to develop some new, mutual interests? You don't need to be interested in something the other is interested in when you can just find something new to both of you.

 

Do you think it's more of an excuse? That maybe he just isn't into the relationship anymore and doesn't have the drive to try?

[xprincessbugx]

No, he has the drive to try we both decided last night that that's what we were going to do. We're both just very stubborn so it seems like if one of us suggests something and we don't think it'd be fun we just get pissy with each other about it lol. I dunno, we're just so tired of the arguing all the time and I think we're both pretty tired actually...

[NJRon]

Yeah, I can identify with the whole tired thing. Believe me.

 

Well, tehre are many things to try without becoming confrontational. Instead of just going back and forth, why don't you try a brainstorming session. Each of you write out, say, 20 things separately, and then see if any of them match.

 

You could write out things on separate little pieces opf paper and draw them from a hat. You can just say, each week, one person gets to pick something to do.

 

In the end, relationships are about compoprmising. It's about the company of each other, not necessarily the thing you do. I don't like fishing all that much, but I sure did like spending time with my girlfriend. So, we would go fishing. instead of bemoaning the fact that I was fishing, i just enjoyed the fact that we got to spend time together.

[xprincessbugx]

Wow, I never thought of the whole writing stuff down and choosing something to do. That's a really good idea! I told him that a relationship is about compromising and we both need to stop being so selfish and doing these for each other. I think that if one of us is happy doing something then the other one would be too even if it's not something we were thrilled about to do in the first place.This is the biggest issue in our relationship b.c. our personalities are just alike its crazy how alike we are and yet we have no interests in common, but it's like if we were compatible wouldn't things like that just fit together?

[HardShowingAffection]

Sounds like you guys need to sit back and look at your relationship before it is too late. Don't let it get to the point where one of you walks, because then you will reflect back on it, and wonder why you did so many stupid things.

 

If you are both willing to work at things, try picking up a book like "Relationship Rescue". It is an amazing book that will get you back on track! It was a truly amazing read.

 

It sounds like maybe little things are just building up, and you might be choosing to argue about the littlest things, even though they aren't at the core of the issue... just a hunch. Remember to focus on the good, and send the relationship in a positive direction. Each and every action that you take leads your relationship in one direction or another, whether you are the initial actor, or just reacting. You control where your relationship is heading, remember that!

[xprincessbugx]

Thanks for the advice

[Beyondthesea]

I sort of agree with things should just 'fit together' a bit better if you are compatible. Of course you don't have to like all the same things and you don't have to be identical, but you should have some common interests.

 

If it's at the point where you can't even pick a movie you both agree on, then it's definitely just incompatibility. You can stay together if you are incompatible, but it's definitely not the most easy going ride.

 

Fighting a lot isn't good either, be sure you are both choosing your battles instead of arguing over every little thing that comes along. Talking about issues before they get heated is the key. There's no reason to have a huge argument about anything in my opinion. You are both adults, you can talk it out without getting out of control.

 

Give it a while as well, you both seem to be quite eager to make things work.

[RayKay]

Hmm, I am someone whom places a lot of importance in having compatible lifestyles. We don't have to like the IDENTICAL things, but we have to have an appreciation and understanding of one another's passions and interests, and yes, develop some common interests that are also ours.

 

If he likes kayaking, and I like running, well those to me are compatible as we both are active, and if we both respect our time to do those things. And even be willing to try them together too along with new things. However, if one of us is active and outdoorsy and the other considers exercise going to the fridge for another beer and the leftover pizza...well, I foresee some big future problems. I know a lot of couples in those situations, and there is a lot of resentment from one or both partners for them not doing everything with them, or not supporting them in their hobbies, and so on.

 

Anyway, you don't have to have identical interests. My boyfriend and I have some of the same interests like mountain biking and running, but also our own things too - he does adventure racing, I do mountain bike racing, I like to do art, he prefers working with his hands and so on. We also do our things together - like camping, paddling, hiking, etc.

 

Ultimately, we really do just fit together right both in our lifestyles, and also our goals, values, etc...and it feels very right.

 

It's not positive if you are both just "tired" of the relationship, it indicates maybe you have checked out to a degree, and it also sounds like you really need to learn some more effective communication because bickering over everything is not healthy. But sometimes, it's also an indication you resent one another or are unhappy and more concerned about getting your way, then meeting the needs of the relationship and each other.

 

I am confused though, you both decided last night it was over, but you are asking how you can make it work?

[xprincessbugx]

We broke up at his house, and then I came home and we ended up talking when I got home and decided that we have been in this too long to just walk away from it just because we are having some issues so we've decided to work things out.

[NJRon]

I don't know how old you are, but you might think of counselling. More than likely the issues you are focusing on are really just symptoms of a much deeper problem. It's hard to believe that having different interests would suddenly become the hot issue after 3 years. Maybe check out the book HardShowingAffection pointed out and seeing if that helps any.

 

This is pretty serious stuff though and trying to tackle it on your own is tough. Not so much because the issues are difficult to identify and work on, but more so the defensiveness that crops up when you try to address things can often get in the way of being constructive.

 

Good luck

[xprincessbugx]

I'm 19, hes 21