The biggest mess of my life!

[SaraJane]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now, we have a 14 month old child together and my 11 year old son from a past relationship.

 

We met on the internet 5 years ago and after a long time of building a 'friendship' with him, I had packed up and moved accross the country to be with him and our relationship started off ok, we both seemed to be pretty happy and enjoyed where we were at in our lives and having eachother in them.

 

I had always questioned his love for me, and felt as if he had only wanted me there to replace an ex, or just to be there so he wouldnt be alone... as if he had made a choice to 'settle' for me because he didnt have the strength or determination to find someone better. Why? Mostly because he was an alchoholic, kept her things all over the house, and was very needy of attention and assurance that I wouldnt leave him.

 

I had the mindset that he was also the last and only man that I would find, and despite the above things he was a great man, but I've never been able to get over those issues. He treated us wonderfully, and I did in fact love him, and I still do.

 

I believed that maybe he would improve with the alchohol issue, especially after I became pregnant and we made the decision to get married. Unfortunately it never got better and it's caused me to resent him more than ever.

 

Mind you he's not a violent drunk, he just drinks all the time... his excuse is "its just the way I've always been" and he knows how I feel about it, but he seems unable and ultimately unwilling to make a change (except for very short periods of time to appease me temporarily).

 

Friends and family stand by the thought that he's only hurting himself, but I cannot agree with that no matter how much I try to. Its not just the drinking, its the fact that he stays up all night playing video games and only going to sleep when he passes out or when there's no more beer to drink... and I have grown so tired of going to bed alone and crying myself to sleep because I cannot compete with the beer or the video games. Could rarely have sex because he'd never be sober at night, occasionally we'd do it in the mornings when he's sober and it just became something I couldnt look forward to anymore, even though the sex was great... the situation made it unpleasant for me.

 

He's got 3 DUI's and still has trouble not driving after he's been drinking, and Im scared that Im going to lose him anyhow. To me I feel that he's drinking because he's unhappy, though he denies this to no end. It's just made me feel like we're not enough for him and he's unable to stop because he's truly unhappy with where he is in his life.

 

It has broken my heart apart and I had finally become numb to the whole thing and just focused on my children and my own little world here. Unfortunately here is not where I wish to be anymore.

 

Im torn between the idea of my children having a father in their life and me being miserable, or me trying to find peace in my life and taking away the one thing that means so much to them. Especially my 11 year old being that this is the first time he's ever had a 'dad'... they love eachother very much, and though their relationship is not as 'ideal' as I would have liked for him, it is the best thing he's ever had and I know it means a lot to him.

 

My husband has even asked to adopt him, but I have never been certain that I would be able to stay for the long haul if this continued, so I didnt want to put him in the position to be taken advantage of financially if I did make the move to leave.

 

Anyway, in January my husband had picked us up from the airport after visiting my family for Christmas and he had beer bottle caps in his car indicating that once again he had been driving and drinking, and at that time I had told him that I did in fact want a divorce because I couldnt stand this anymore.

 

And now there's a new twist on the situation... there's another man... someone else I met on the internet that I have been friends with for quite some time. He wants to be together, and I think he'd be much much better for me... for the kids Im not so sure. We would lack the financial stability that we have now, and the 'comforts' that we do have... but I believe that this is a chance that I can find happiness.

 

I've been unable to make that move, because of the children, and also because Im terrified that me leaving him will kill him... so the problem is... him or me? And what about them... I dont want them to not have a father and be angry at me for it... but I also dont want them to grow up to have the same bad habits as him.

 

I know that the love that me and this new guy feel could be nothing more than a temporary thing that could be fufilled and dismissed after a short period of time, a temporary infatuation, a dillusional need to be important to someone for once... I know this, yet I want it badly. Its as if all the bad relationships I've been in are the complete opposite of this one. For instance... rather than me being the one to pack up and move and give up everything for a man... I now have a man who's willing to pack up and be the one to give everything so that I do not have to give anything up.

 

Anyway, I dont know what Im doing right now, and I dont have any non relatives to talk to who can give me fair opinions or advice, so Im hoping for something a little bit different here.

[SaraJane]

I should also mention that he works oversea... he is gone for 2-4 weeks at a time and home for anything from 3 days to 2 weeks. And it seems as if our relationship is fine when he is not here, and that I do not have an issue with him being gone all the time, as that's the only time that my heart isnt breaking from seeing him drunk all the time.

[Dako]

This line stood out to me:

I now have a man who's willing to pack up and be the one to give everything so that I do not have to give anything up.

Sorry your life is a mess, but I can't help wonder if you are expecting this new guy to give you the strength to dump your husband, then you expect him to fix your life.

I know that seems simplistic, but after a divorce you may need time to rediscover yourself and ask yourself some heavy questions about what you want. It's scary, but it's an important step before you go promising yourself to a new guy.

[BellaDonna]

Hi SaraJane.

 

I can understand that you are fed up with your husband's alcoholism. He is not being a good husband and father to you and your children. I agree that something has to drastically change there. Bad treatment and neglect should not be tolerated. Either 1) You leave him or 2.) You give him an ultimatum and insist that he seek professional help or you're gone.

 

What I do not think is a good idea is for you to think this other man is going to bandaid your problems.

 

Don't jump out of one relationship directly into another. Not only is this unhealthy for you- but it's also terrible for your kids. If you were to divorce- that's a lot for them to deal with- adding this other guy into the mix will not help matters.

 

In a perfect world your husband would agree to get help and you could save your marriage. I'm not sure if that will happen. Is he open to getting help? Does he realize that he has a problem?

 

No matter what- whether you decide to leave, stay, etc. I think you should cut off all contact with this other man (because having him the picture can skew your perception and it doesn't allow you to make a rational, impartial decision about what's best for you and your kids). Having someone else in the picture telling you he can make your life better may cause you to see this whole thing through rose colored glasses. You should not leave because some other man is going to "save" you- you should leave on your own and have the strength required to be self-sufficient and stable.

 

BellaDonna

[SaraJane]

Thank you for the replies... I dont feel as if Im using this other guy to fix my life, but I guess in some senses I suppose I am and I dont want to realize that.

 

In response to your question...

In a perfect world your husband would agree to get help and you could save your marriage. I'm not sure if that will happen. Is he open to getting help? Does he realize that he has a problem?

He knows that his drinking is a problem, and he knows that it has already ruined our marriage... but since this is the way he's always been and since he's providing us with everything we need and not pysically hurting he doesnt feel he needs help, but instead its 'my problem' and I need to learn to adjust, accept it, and know that its not my fault.

 

The most he's been able to do was 'cut down' instead of 24 'every night' he's gone down to a six pack and some singles on most nights, some nights are still the whole case deal, but the only time he wont drink at all is on Sunday if he doesnt have beer left over from Saturday and cant buy any... or the first day he's home from work (if he doesnt stop to drink on his way home)

 

I am truly horrified by the idea of being alone, I cant deny this, and I know that this other man will not be a fix of all things, and I do not expect him to come into my life and take my husband's place, or make that easier on me... and I agree, I know I should work on getting my life situated and all things settled before I get into another relationship, but Im not sure if I can do that. If he had not come into my life I know I would continue to struggle through the times when my husband is home, and enjoy my life when he's at work and allow things to stay the way they are.

[Dako]

SJ

 

I'm going through a divorce, and it's been almost 10 months since the split. In that time I discovered a great deal about myself I never knew, and in some ways I've changed from who I was. If I had gone into a new relationship immediately, I'd have assumed the divorce hadn't changed me.

I know being alone is scary for some people, but it provides a peaceful place to think about the future. At least that's my take.

 

Whatever you do, I hope it's not with a drunk.

[brando]

One thing you can try is ALANON. Perhaps their you will learn most about yourself. Plus you will learn how his behavoir is effecting your life. You will meet others who live with alcholics day to day.

 

One thing i read somewhere was the wives (usually) of alcoholic husbands wish for them to sober up, and after they do, by attending AA, the same wives no longer want the relationship, due to the changes and growth the Recovering alcoholic has gone through.

 

The old saying applies here: careful of what you wish for......

[Bethany]

If he had not come into my life I know I would continue to struggle through the times when my husband is home, and enjoy my life when he's at work and allow things to stay the way they are.

 

Then you need to cut this other man out of your life. Don't use him because you are afraid of being alone. That's selfish to him and your kids.

 

You need to work on your own marriage first, and when you have tried EVERYTHING you can to save your marriage, then and only then do you walk away.

 

It's far to easy to use someone else because you are afraid of being alone. It's NOT THAT BAD. Don't be scared of it. Make a life for you, get a job, find a purpose in life before you even consider bringing this other man into the equation, or you will be right back where you started and your kids will be even more confused than they are now. Sort of your own life, don't let others do it for you.

[AutumnBorn]

Right, Bethany!

 

Your husband needs an intervention - for himself. Sounds like he's out of control and needs to gain some back. If he weren't drinking, would there be enough left upon which you could rebuild your marriage? If he cannot quit drinking, you have to consider your safety and your children's. But the last thing anyone needs is relationship jumping.

[Aurian]

He does not even realize what he is doing to himself and to your marriage. So what if he's always been drinking? It is still damaging and hurtful. Telling you to accept him the way he is is disgusting - this man already cannot handle his drinking as evidenced by the DUIs and the way he is hurting you.

 

Is this really what you want? If you leave things the way they are now, nothing will change. In fact, he might even get WORSE. Is there anything left about this man you still love? Don't stay because your child likes him (what if he drinks while driving your kids??? And what kind of example is he giving them???) or because you're frightened of what he might do to himself (you married a PARTNER, not someone you have to look after). Consider YOUR needs.

 

Can you arrange an intervention with family and friends? Or perhaps an ultimantum is what is needed. Stop drinking and get counselling or you will have to leave.

 

However..... don't run off and start another relationship. What do you know about this new guy? It is not fair to look for someone to rescue you. When you look for a new partner, you should be free of ties and entanglements and self-supporting. Don't risk yourself by putting you and your children in someone else's hands. If you leave, support yourself and them! Find a partner eventually, but as an EQUAL, not as a victim.

[SaraJane]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the replies... it has made a great deal of difference in my mindset and Im very thankful for that right now.

 

First few things I would like to address...

 

As far as intervention with my husband its not really a possibility, he has very few friends / relatives here... just his sister and her wife (yes wife) and they are both very aware of the situation and the conflict, but they too are heavy drinkers and are often part of the problem.

 

Out of desperation I've turned to his mother, who I believe would rather me leave than stay with him anyway, so she's been no help. (She's never liked the idea of us being together, or him taking on the responsibility of someone else's child).

 

Is there anything left about this man you still love?

 

Yes, very much so. I do not hate him so much that I can deny that I love him. I care about him deeply, and he is not a monster, he just has an issue that I cannot cope with any longer. As far as everything else he has been a true blessing and I am very appreciative of what he has done for us, and what he has given over the past few years.

 

If it wasnt for the drinking he would quite possibly be the 'perfect man'. He has a level of patience that I have never seen in another human being, and he is very supportive of everything that has come up aside from the drinking issue and he has tolerated much more than I could have expected anyone to... but he will not meet me on the alchoholism.

 

Now as far as this other man, I do realize that for my children's sake, and for his it is not the right thing to do. I have told him my feelings and Im hoping that he will be supportive in my decision to sort my life first. However, If he presses the idea that we should be together, Im not certain I can fight that.

 

His family is very opposed to the idea of him being with me, and with good reason... we both agree that if we werent directly involved that we would agree with the people who are trying to talk us out of this... but because of our feelings we chose to ignore them and believe that its worth the risk and the consequences.

 

Im terrified of losing my best friend and scared that my decision is going to hurt him... but I believe that he is better off this way and Im hoping that he will agree in time.

 

I've sent him the following email, using some of the information I've received here to validate the reasonings for it...

 

I dont know if its just me, or if maybe you're feeling it too... that we really are maybe doing the wrong thing. My stomach feels all tight and uneasy lately, and its really getting to me right now. I keep telling myself different things that either make it worse or contradict it in hopes of making the feeling go away... but really Its getting harder now and its really kind of scary.

 

Its like someone hit me upside the head with the "duh" stick or something... I know that I love you and want to be with you, and I believe that you do too... but its just so damn obvious that its not the right thing for us right now... we had once talked about if we had met under "different circumstances" that you and I coulda been different... but the circumstances we knew were too much are still there, and in a way we've both just chose to ignore them, and I know that was wrong.

 

I know that I should tell you, "I've got to sort out my life before I drag you into it"... I should be getting things straight with my husband, let the kids deal with the divorce without bringing a new man into their lives, and I should be finding myself before getting involved.

 

I know these things and so many others, and my excuses not to do what's right... are well... selfish and shallow.

 

When you look for a new partner, you should be free of ties and entanglements and self-supporting. Don't risk yourself by putting you and your children in someone else's hands. If you leave, support yourself and them! Find a partner once you're stable, but as an EQUAL, not as a victim.

 

I believe this statement, and I believe that I'd end up hurting you more later whether its my intent or not. I also know that you can find someone better, and you will if you want it... and that I have no right to try to interfear with that now, or ever.

 

You know, a week ago I wouldnt have been able to write these words because I couldnt stand hearing them, but now the more I say them, the more they make sense.

 

My fears for myself is that I'd lose my best friend... my fear for you is that I'd hurt you. And that has me wondering, if I told you that I wanted to wait and see... step back and let me work things out before we act upon our desires... would you still be a part of my life at all or would it hurt you too much and make you move on without having to face me anymore? I believe now that either way, that would be better than hurting you by dragging you into this rollercoaster of my life that has gone out of control.

 

We once both said that it didnt matter how this turned out, that we would both appreciate and be thankful for the love that we shared, for the time that we spent, for the way that we felt... is that still true for you?

 

Anyway, I guess I need to know where you stand on this... I know what I want, but I also know what's right... and I am hoping right now for answers that I cant find on my own.

[Tylin]

I think you're doing the right thing. It won't be easy sorting out your marriage, but you'll be much stronger for it in the long run. And if its meant to be with the other guy, it will work out. Good luck with things.