Advice Please

[inquisitivesharon]

I had been dating my bf for the past 6 months. We had ups and downs, mostly due to the fact that he wanted to take things slowly after recently getting out of a LTR where his ex had cheated on him. He told me that I was a gem, a rare find, a special woman - but one day, he just up and disappeared. Here's the background:

 

I was admitted to the hospital after a near-death experience that was very sudden and very serious. I left him a message letting him know what happened (we were still dating at the time - month #6) and he was absolutely panicked when he found out. He told me he was so scared that something would have happened to me, called the nurses station to get updates and leave messages for me, and told me he would come to the hospital right after work to check up on me. He never showed up to the hospital. He called the next day to tell me that the traffic had been bad (how lame) and he couldn't get to the hospital, but wanted to take me out to dinner after I was discharged the following day. I said fine, but we needed to be back at my house by 10 so that I could take an injection that was time-sensitive. At the time he was supposed to be at my house, he called to tell me he would be an hour late b/c he had to return a phone call to his brother. He showed up with flowers, a bottle of wine and held me in his arms for 10 minutes in a tight embrace and told me he never wanted to let go. We had a nice evening and made plans to get together for his birthday the following weekend. Two days later, I sent him an e-mail letting him know I had something really fun planned for his birthday, and much to my surprise, I received a response saying that he didn't want to go out for his birthday (with no further explanation). I waited a day, and then sent a response saying, "that's fine" and told him that I was staying home from work b/c I still wasn't feeling good and was having trouble breathing. He never responded. I let a day go by, then two days.... and now it's been one month. I have heard nothing from him - no e-mails, letters or phone calls. NOTHING! For all he knew, I could be dead due to complications from my illness - and still nothing.

 

Thanks to this web site - I have maintained NC. It's a struggle every day b/c his behavior is so cruel and inexplicable. The one thing that's keeping me back from e-mailing is knowing that he deserted me in the time when I needed him most - AND - that he was willing to cause me stress when my physical health (breathing) was already in serious peril.

 

However, I have an obsesssion about knowing why. How is it possible that any human being could up and leave someone during such a tough time - and just forget the history we had together. I don't get it. I understand that this speaks volumes about his character and doesn't represent the type of person I deserve to be with. But, to be honest, it makes me feel less than human that someone was able to do this to me.

 

Has anyone else been the victim of a disappearing man? How did you find closure within yourself? I know he won't (or can't) provide it although it's tempting to e-mail him and ask. I'm taking this time to work on myself and get my life moving ahead without him, but I can't stop thinking about the why. Every day, it's a struggle to e-mail him and ask what happened. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thnx.

 

Sharon

[bballplaya4814]

wow thats really weird

[saltwatergirl]

Yes I have had it done before. First things first, it isnt about you. You did nothing to cause it, it's not your fault, and you are not less of a person because someone would choose to do this to you. It is his issue.

 

I have no idea what it could be, but I do know this. Your emails and messages will be wasted. Save yourself the heartache. Accept that he has made his decision to leave and he is a COWARD for doing it this way. And you don't want to deal with a coward. You will have to find closure in another way. Accept that you just ran into a rat. Its really that simple.

 

And when he contacts you, and yes, he will contact you, be sure to look him dead in the eye when you tell him goodbye. Dont mince any words about it, and leave no doubt.

 

Salt

[super ian]

I agree this has absolutely nothing to do with you or who you are.

 

A similar thing happened to one of my good female friends. She was living with this guy for 3 months, then one day, no warning he just disappears. Turns out she didnt even know his real name.

 

And this girl is very smart, really attractive, and has a great personality and is not insecure in any way.

 

There are plenty of jerks out there, dont let this put you down. You have an extremely easy decision to make after all this!!

[romantic sweetheart]

I can't believe someone could be so heartless after promoting himself as a loving, dedicated boyfriend who "never wanted to let you go." I just don't understand what ahppened inside of him to cause this sudden disappearance from your life. It's so extreme, and I understand your utter pain and confusion at this kind of loss.

 

I would, like you, be intensely interested in the "why" of the matter, and even though some may warn that an email asking this very question would be "asking for it," I think it is perfectly acceptable and, in fact, your right to ask this question of someone who purported to care about you. It's hard to stuff down the desire to find out the motivations behind a decision that deeply affects our lives.

 

I think it might help you if you allowed yourself to send one email asking him about his decision not to contact you anymore. You could keep it short and simple, but honest. I would be frank about how his failure to contact you had hurt you, especially since it was during a difficult time in your life. It isn't wrong to call people on their actions and at least explain to them that their behaviours do affect people.

 

I know that certain rules may help us remain strong in times of loss, and I agree that cutting off contact may be necessary in certain instances, but I also think it is all right to make an attempt to seek closure for something that is hurting our souls. If he does not respond to your question, then you can finally dismiss him as someone who simply didn't have the maturity and basic human compasion to give you the explanation that you deserved.

 

It is hard to tell people what you feel, but he should have had the decency to talk to you, heart to heart, after all you had been through.

 

I want to express my deepest sorrow that he behaved in this way. I have had this happen to me before, and it hurts. But your situation is even more fragile because of your near-death experience, and of course you expected him to be there for you, and to show care and concern. It is hard not to feel deeply wounded by such callous behaviour.

 

From your post, I can tell you are very intelligent and think through things very carefully. I just know that you are going to find a wonderful person who will absolutely adore and cherish you, forever. I can feel it in my heart! You are a special person who deserves great joy. I hope you are doing well, and I hope my advice is not too presumptuous. I would like you to do whatever you feel is best for you! That is the most important thing to remember when it comes to our hearts. If you feel like you should remain steadfast in your efforts not to contact him, then I encourge and support you greatly. If you feel that you would want to send out the question "why?", I support that, too. Whatever you decide, I know you will do what is best for you, anthat will give you a chance to feel peace again.

 

No matter what, we are all here for you.....

[kadvati79]

I can offer some perspective, because in the past I have been the "disapearing boyfriend", mind you it was after two months. I was dating a guy and I really, really wanted to make it work. But for some reason I just didn't find him that attractive sexually and well, things were just an effort. But sex wasn't what I really wanted and I thought he was a great guy so I tried hard to make it work.

 

After one month he went away to another city with work for three weeks. During the three weeks, I came to terms with the fact I couldn't be with him but I had no idea how to tell him. I didn't want to face the issue, i didn't want to look at it, I didn't want it to exist I just wanted to erase everything and just move on. I just stopped contacting him. He had offered to pay my ticket one weekend to come down and meet him, but I just totally ignored his calls, his emails, everything. I just vanished. Luckily he wasn't in my city or he probably would have come to my house! Now thats not mature of me at all. And incredibly cruel, causing him alot of pain.

 

But good people do bad things. People don't handle personal situations well sometimes, thats just what happens.

 

Given what you added in terms of history, I can see two scenarios. The most likely one for me is that he got such a fright with the fact he could loose you, that he felt he had to control that by ending the relationship first. Its possible he could have gotten such a fright realising how dependant he was on you that he decided he needed to distance himself from you.

 

Even totally stable, strong people have trouble dealing with sensitive personal issues like breakups. Someone who has some serious "issues", well, they tend to go for simply the "not deal with it" route. Like my ex, after two years he texted me saying "can you come on MSN?" and then dumped me. Yeah, it p*sses me off - but the fact is I'm just alot more mature than he is and I always knew he was a bit of a wuss and not good with people... what did I expect he would do? He has never given me any evidence, in the entire two years, that he has good social skills so his method was hardly surprising.

 

I have found the anger helps, I am an aggressive person but certainly not a violent person. I see this as a positive because I express my feelings, in appropriate ways of course.

 

Why did he do it?

 

Because he couldn't handle it. Thats why I did it. It was because I didn't have the strength, or the maturity, or anything. Fact is, I couldn't see any other way. Later experience has taught me otherwise - but at the time it felt like my only option. I bet you he will feel terrible. He will feel worse than if he had actually TOLD you, but its too late for that now. I know this because even now, three years later, I still feel bad about how I treated a guy I did a similar thing too... I even gave thought of sending him an email.