One year together, first time we've argued...

[HellFrost666]

It was bound to happen. Last night it did...

 

My girlfriend has know this guy for about seven years. Three years ago (before I even knew her) he moved out of state. They still talk online pretty ofen and on the phone once in a great while. He is almost ten years older then she is. But they always had a close friendship when he lived here. About 5 years ago they were roomates, and there was a brief time when they were "friends with benefits."

 

Well, this guy is in town for a visit this week. I have known he was coming here for a while now. I have also known the whole story about them for a while now. Well, the day he got here he stopped in where she works and saw her. Then he called her later on after work and asked her (and I) to get together with him.

 

I thought this would be awkward. But last night the three of us and a few other people we all know went out. Then, like usual, when the bar closed everyone ended up back at my house. She warned me ahead of time that this guy is very flirtatious. He was flirting with everyone while we were out. BUt later on when he was in my house I was getting really annoyed with him. Here is this person staring at my girlfriend and making all kinds of flirty comments to her right infront of me. Knowing that he has slept with her obviously made it worse.

 

But, she wasn't flirting back, or staring back or any of that. I would call her behavior friendly and that is it. I did feel lost during a lot of their conversation though. Because a lot of it was "Yea, remember that one party at so and so's house blah blah blah." This was getting annoying too. It seemed like all he wanted to do was rehash old memories with her.

 

I went downstairs to use the bathroom and ended up staying down there for quite a while. She came down twice. The first time she asked if I was feeling allright. The second time she asked me to come back upstairs and I told her no.

 

So the guy leaves. Everyone else leaves, and her and my roomate are upstairs watching TV. I made my way back upstairs. My roomate says "Hey, what crawled up your *** tonight?"

 

That did it. I said something nasty to him and then went off on her. She didn't know what to say. I told her to come doewnstairs so we could have this little blowout in private. She said "Fine then, let's go downstairs and argue about nothing."

 

So we went downstairs and argued about nothing. I thought I was OK being around this guy, but I guess I overestimated myself. And it was more him I was mad at then anyone else, and my girlfriend and roomate took the punishment.

 

Now I feel like crap. I'm not sure how to make it right. She was pretty quiet this morning before she left for work. He was already gone when I got up. So here I am by myself thinking about this, and wanted some advice...

 

 

[DN]

Apologise - to both of them

 

Tell her it was just a little insecurity that got the better of your judgment.

[Daddy Bear]

my amateur advice: tell her it was all your fault (whether it was or not) and let it die.

 

also, don't think that arguments indicate an unhealthy relationship. from what i've read, the reverse is more often true.

[tylercdurden2004]

I dont think you handled this as well as it could have been. Having said that I really think this goes beyond simply being insecure. I really see this as a sign of disrespect. You did say it was YOUR house?

 

Do you feel she had no idea what was going on? If she did I mean to me I would find that disrepectful that she did not draw clear boundaries as to whats accceptable for her. But maybe shes ok with it. Its one thing if he was flirting with her a little bit at the pub or what have you. BUt if this continued through outthe evening and was occurring in YOUR house that is a huge sign of disrepect. It very well could have been a test on her part ot see how much you would take. If it bothered and you found it disrepectful you really should have said something at the first opportunity.

 

This way you set clear boundaries. "hey honey I am cool with guys flirting with you, what I am not cool with is being made a chump in my own house."

[Hope75]

Apologise - to both of them

 

Tell her it was just a little insecurity that got the better of your judgment.

 

I agree. It's honest and it owns up to what you feel may have been an error in the way you handled things.

 

It happens, try not to be too hard on yourself.

[Aurian]

I think I would be upset too. She didn't respond to him, yet he was apparently being flirtatious and trying to walk down memory lane with her while he was yuor guest?

 

Don't make demands, but tell her you aren't confortable being in that situation!

[HellFrost666]

I called her at work earlier today, but her boss wouldn't let me talk to her because she was busy at the moment. It's probably better that way.

 

Despite what some of you guys think I still think I over reacted. Apologies have never been something I am good at either. My roomate has probably forgotten all about it by now. I'm pretty sure my girlfriend hasn't forgotten anything.

 

I know everyone argues. I know it will happen again.

 

Thanks to everyone who replied

[tylercdurden2004]

I think you did over react as well. I am curious is this the same girl who was married to the abusive guy then you started seeing her?

[HellFrost666]

I think you did over react as well. I am curious is this the same girl who was married to the abusive guy then you started seeing her?

 

Yes, the same girl.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yes, the same girl.

 

Has she or is she going to councelling?

[HellFrost666]

She has been this whole time.

[tylercdurden2004]

Thats good. I ask because I see a few things here that make me wonder if there is some sort of issue at hand. The first being that she was invovled in an abusive relationship, the second being that she was invovled wiht oyu while still married the third being this whole incident at your house. Particularily why she "warned" you he was flirtatious. I am wondering if conflict is somehting she has become accustomed to?

 

To me her warning you that this guy is flirtatious seems a bit unwarranted. Why did she feel the need to warn you?

[HellFrost666]

Well she probably warned me so I would know what to expect. She has known this guy for seven years, I don't know him at all. It wasn't just her he was flirting with. My roomate's sister was over and he flirted with her too.

 

She is one of those people who goes out of her way to avoid conflict actually.

 

I was more upset with the guy, unfortuneately I took it out on her and my roomate. That's how I see it anyway.

[tylercdurden2004]

To get to the point really. Why did she not say anything to this guy? If she knew this would bother you does it not make sense ensure you were not uncomfortable?

[HellFrost666]

I don't think she even knew I was upset until after he left.

 

I am curious, what is it you are trying to convince me of?

[tylercdurden2004]

I don't think she even knew I was upset until after he left.

 

I am curious, what is it you are trying to convince me of?

 

Not trying to convince you of anything other than to find out why you reacted the way you did.

[HellFrost666]

I don't know why I reacted the way I did. She is coming home soon and I have no idea what I'll say to her.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well just apologize and tell her you were wrong to act like that. Good luck.

[Shyguy24]

Hey say sorry and get some flowers and cook dinner ..u should be alright then