I STILL dont get it!!

[super ian]

OK, I admit everyone thinks their breakup is different when in effect most or all the emotions and feelings we experience are the same.

 

However when I read other peoples breakups I always see "love, but not in love"... "just doesnt have the same feelings"... "not ready to committ"... "wanted to time alone".... "not ready for something serious, wants to have 'fun'".... "cheated on me"...... u know the top 100 reasons.

 

The ONLY solid advice one can give to the above is "move on, theres nothing you can do, its over!" Its a classic breakup with a classic solution...

 

Why do I feel that my situation is so different?

I still have problems trying to figure out why my ex wont give it another shot. My story is under post "2nd breakup..." but I'll summarize in quick points:

 

She broke my heart last August, she ended things "for good". I got over her, yet she surprisingly convinced me to take her back in January. Said she was stupid, realized she cant live without me and we are stupid for not fighting through this when we have something so special.

Things were going OK (lots of room for improvement) but I broke up with her last week. (more of a self defence mechanism because I was sure it was coming on her end).

I called her the next morning to take her back, she says shes 100% done and wont even try anymore.

 

I just dont get it. I read her blog today (mistake maybe) and she says "Im missing someone so much right now, even though I know im doing the right thing. I love him very much, but know that I did what had to be done I have to force myself to move on. Atleast this time I have the support from my family and friends... support I need to get on with my life and move on for the better"

 

arrrrrrggggg.... if we love each other so much whats the F---ING PROBLEM. its like shes brainwashing herself, forcing herself to get over me, forcing herself to believe that not being together anymore is what is right.

 

I just dont get it... 1 day before the breakup, we both told eachother how this is it, in it forever, marriage soon (agreed to get engaged in sep) and even kids eventually. Man she was almost pregnant last month and we both decided no intervention, no day after pill, no abortion, if shes pregnant we both want to keep it....

 

I could go on a huge rant about how much I want her back, how I finally realize many things in our relationship, how I'm sure things will be better, how I'm sure that I want to be with her forever.... but you've all heard those things before... from me and from everyone else on here lol

 

hahah now i can only think cynically and be like "if only she was pregnant... then shed still be with me"

 

relax... i dont mean that last sentence thats just sick... i was having doubts of our relationship sometimes as well, but now looking back i see how stupid i was... how i didnt see how much we meant to eachother.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Super Ian - I think it feels different because you're in it. You're not looking at the swamp from a boat, you're in the swamp. You can feel it.

 

I think its totally normal to feel like you wish she was in a vulnerable state and needed you. That's pretty common. Don't feel sick for it.

 

Sometimes people can love each other, very much even, and not be good for each other. Maybe it's not sympatical love. Just strong feelings of care or even infatuation or familiarity.

 

Easy for me to say from the boat I know, but if she is moving on, maybe you should try to as well.....

[super ian]

Sometimes people can love each other, very much even, and not be good for each other. Maybe it's not sympatical love. Just strong feelings of care or even infatuation or familiarity.

 

Ya I keep telling myself that... but only because it makes it easier to move on, not because I believe that.

 

If you have only have sympatical love for someone I dont think you would be naive enough to talk about kids, marriage, etc; because both of us have been through relationships so we are experienced.... we know what love is.

 

As to the other part, "people can love eachother but not be good for each other" thats kind of a contradiction in itself to me.

 

1) if you love someone you love who they are

2) if you love who they are then you will be good for eachother

3) thereforeeee, if you love someone you will be good for eachother

[flower99]

yeah she is forcing herself to get over you. It's not necessarily brainwashing, but she stopped focusing on what it could be & see it for what it is.

You guys have broken up a number of times, sure it was a self defense mechanism, but it happened & it happened for a reason. Also you felt the need to defend yourself that is something else you should look at. a red flag, you gave it your best, but it wasn't enough. It just wasn't meant to be.

 

I'm sorry for the hurt you must be feeling. But she is working hard to get over you & I think it may be time for you too. Checking on her blogs will only eat you up inside. try to keep your distance & heal yourself. Trust that this is for the best & that there is someone more suited out there for you, but for now heal yourself.

[flower99]

Ya I keep telling myself that... but only because it makes it easier to move on, not because I believe that.

 

If you have only have sympatical love for someone I dont think you would be naive enough to talk about kids, marriage, etc; because both of us have been through relationships so we are experienced.... we know what love is.

 

As to the other part, "people can love eachother but not be good for each other" thats kind of a contradiction in itself to me.

 

1) if you love someone you love who they are

2) if you love who they are then you will be good for eachother

3) thereforeeee, if you love someone you will be good for eachother

 

 

2) if you love who they are then you will be good for eachother

- not salways true. You can love someone for who they are even if they are not good for you. (Just because you can, doesnt' mean you should.)I have.

 

I loved someone I shouldn't. He was a wonderful man who was on the wrong track. I saw all the good in him & I loved him and stood by him we had a child together...but in time eventually I got pulled on that track with him.

 

And though we loved eachother, we didn't bring out the good in eachother. We had the same weaknesses, and it pulled us down, sure it was together. But it destroyed us. We broke up, cleaned up & are in love with different people now (who brings out the best in me) but we are still friends. Just because i loved him, didn't mean he was good for me.

[super ian]

a red flag, you gave it your best, but it wasn't enough.

 

well I wouldnt say that I gave it my best because i really didnt. as I have said before, I took her back when she came crawling back even though she broke my heart the first time. I keep telling myself that thats why I failed to give it my best, failed to realize that there were things that were breaking the relationship... i kept telling her "if it bothers you then leave" because I was unsure, stupid, a jerk, but mostly I didnt want to get hurt again.

 

Why am I realizing all this now? Is it just natural and that because I didnt realize it when we were together then (A) IT JUST ISNT MEANT TO BE?

 

Or (B) is it not really my fault because of the circumstances?? (me taking her back, having the power, failed to see any changes required, insecurity, etc). In which case if I see this now, maybe we can be good together.

 

If its A fine... I will move on. But I cant help wonder about B

[dwbh]

I think sometimes we're in self denial and we just want to work things out regardless of all the red flags, the abuse, whatever it may be because we don't want to be alone, we love that person, we enjoy that persons company, you guys were meant to be together forever........and the list goes on..... bottom line is, as flower99 pointed out, she's trying to get over the relationship. If she's not willing to keep trying then what's the point of continuing to hold on. IT takes 2 to make a relationship work. And I know it is constantly preached on this site....but for good reasons, implement NC right away, and if she wants you back she will be back. But the question is, will you want her back then?? So, you see it is a vicious cycle and the only way to really know if it will happen or not is to just have no contact....which is what I should have done in my relationship as well to save me from all the heartache and stress.....good luck to u and stay strong.

[blueangel]

When a person is gone, we can be forced so fast to get over them without even all the facts. That's difficult and you both deserve to talk about what happened. How else can you both know what you really need? (And it may even turn out to be each other if you just give some time to it)

[super ian]

If she's not willing to keep trying then what's the point of continuing to hold on. IT takes 2 to make a relationship work. And I know it is constantly preached on this site....but for good reasons, implement NC right away, and if she wants you back she will be back. But the question is, will you want her back then?? So, you see it is a vicious cycle and the only way to really know if it will happen or not is to just have no contact....

 

Thats a very good point... the vicious cycle. This happened before, she broke up, I pleaded, we talked about what was wrong, we both realized what we needed to change but she didnt want to try, said she was finished.

 

Then after 5 months I took her back, she was pleading, begging, telling me how much she needed me and her life was terrible without me. Except this time I wasnt really ready to try... Until she's gone.

 

Now she's gone, Im willing to give it a go, and she doesnt. And I know in my heart that for SURE she will have thoughts about me again in the future, we will talk and yes she will realize that maybe she made a mistake. I just wish she would see this now, and not after I get over her.... not after the cycle has come round.

[flower99]

hummm......wondering B.... good point (:

Question, after breaking it off & calling the next morning did you explain why you had done it? did you guys have a chance to talk or did she just say it was over and that was it?

If not maybe that's what you need to do. Explain yourself fully to her,maybe she will understand & be willing to give it another try. If not, than there isn't anything mroe you can to besides accept it. and trust that it happened this way for a reason.

[super ian]

hummm......wondering B.... good point (:

Question, after breaking it off & calling the next morning did you explain why you had done it? did you guys have a chance to talk or did she just say it was over and that was it?

If not maybe that's what you need to do. Explain yourself fully to her,maybe she will understand & be willing to give it another try. If not, than there isn't anything mroe you can to besides accept it. and trust that it happened this way for a reason.

 

Oh ya we did talk. The morning after, then we agreed to talk at night. We talked at night, then a couple days, then I sent her a couple emails, and we chatted twice on msn.

 

So clearly she knows my feelings, but she has maintained the fact that I shouldnt cling to any hope because it would just be thin air.

 

The only reason I cant accept it... is because she used the same words last time we broke up... and well even if she made a mistake shes the type of person that would force herself not to say "you are right, lets give it a chance" due to her pride obviously.

[flower99]

so you guys have done lots of talking, but she is staying firm.

than the best thing you can do is to step back & begin to heal. Maintaining hope is fine as long as you live in the moment. And right now you are single. So begin to heal & take this time to discover yourself & do things you've never done before. Enjoy it and if it's meant to be it will be, till then just prepare yourself.

[krieg]

Ian you need to know that you arnt in the wrong here, she has taken the cowards way out olmost, and i can bet you she will regret it if you give it time.

 

best of luck!

[super ian]

Ian you need to know that you arnt in the wrong here, she has taken the cowards way out olmost, and i can bet you she will regret it if you give it time.

 

best of luck!

 

 

Thanks man that was good to hear... I have to stay strong. Cheers!