Should I "Yes"?

[jades77]

My girlfriend and i have been going steady for the last few years and were planning to get married for the last couple of months. She is now going to the US to pursue her studies and plans to settle down there after that. We are living in India now. The problem is that i am not able to accept this because i will have to leave my family behind which i dont want to. My parents are very attached to me and if i leave them for her this way, they will be very unhappy. They have always wanted me to settle down in India after marriage so that we live close to each other. Traveling for work was always there, but ultimately in the long run, i wanted to be around my parents as they grow older. They will need a lot of help and i feel i should be staying back for them. But I truly love my gf and i cant do without her. I have told her this but she is adamant on moving there. She does talk about visiting home once every two years or so, but that wouldnt make me that happy. I did speak to her and said that we could move to the US for the time being and after a few years plan to come back if circumstances needed us to do so. She is not ready to do that. She is now ready to let me go for her career and ambitions. I dont know what i will do without her. At the same time if i get married to her and move out of the country, i am not sure I will be able to be happy as I will be leaving my parents behind who also need me. Please help me in taking the right decision.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

gosh your situation is tough!

 

I'm not entirely sure what to say, apart from that you and your gf have to sit down and have a serious talk. if she really wants to live in the US and you really want to live in India, it is very hard to come to a middle ground.

 

what if your parents moved to the US after you and your gf get married? Or is there a way to have a job such that you spend half a year in the US, and half a year in india?

 

She is now ready to let me go for her career and ambitions. I dont know what i will do without her. At the same time if i get married to her and move out of the country, i am not sure I will be able to be happy as I will be leaving my parents behind who also need me. Please help me in taking the right decision.

 

i think this paragraph is very powerful.

 

I'm afraid if you did marry her and move to the US, that you would grow to resent her from taking you away from your family. what about web-camming with your parents and talking to them on the phone every day? will that be ok, enough to satisfy you?

 

maybe sit down, try to come up with a compromise, and if nothing is working, maybe it's best to go your ways.

 

this is a fundamental issue and just think deeply before making any long-term plans.

 

good luck

[jades77]

I have tried to talk about options with her, about us coming back once in a while or my coming back atleast when i can. But that immediately gives her the feeling that my family is too dependent on me and she does not want a life with me if i have too many responsibilities. SHe feels they will always be in the way and she feels its too much of a burden for her. I cant treat my family as a burden, and certainly cant accept ayone saying so.

 

Phone, webcam will work for now, but after a few years, when my parents are old and are mostly in bed, i think i need to be around for them. She doesnt seem to underrstand this. She infact suggests things like they visiting us in the US or our coming to India once in a year or so and visiting them. That really doesnt solve the problem. I feel responsible to take care of them when they are helpless. I cant have them move to the US, its going to be really difficult, and they would not want to do so too.

 

I am in a really difficult situation. When i explained her all this, she simply said we should go our ways because our priorities were different. But i feel i cant do without her and will never be able to love anyone else...Please help.

[annie24]

hm. I'm not sure how things are in india, but does your university have some sort of "counseling center" where you two can talk to a couples' therapist? Or maybe talk to a priest or some respected, professional, neutral 3rd party that can help you two objectively deal with the situation?

[jades77]

I dont think she will agree to any of this. She has made up her mind that she does not want to come back here. And she has very clearly said it that she would never come back even if it was for my family. I dont have a choice but now to say a yes or a no. I know i will go through hell if i say No to her, but then how can i disappoint my family so much? More than that, i feel i may not be happy in the future because if she cant understand my feelings for my family now, i have no idea how things will turn out to be tomorrow.

 

What if i never find anyone like her again, what if i dont fall in love again, how will i ever he happy? she has put me in a situation where i lose no matter what decision i make

[annie24]

but will you be happy, living away from your parents, seeing them once every 2 years?

 

I'm wondering that you may be better off with a girl you don't like quite as much as this one, but one that you get along with well and wants to stay in india.

 

I think given what you said, if she is dead set on leaving, then it doesn't sound like you two will have a happy marriage.

 

I bet that there is a great girl out there for you, that you will love and will love you back and will want to stay in india.

 

I don't think this girl is your last shot at love at all!

[jades77]

Then why do i feel that i cant do with anyone else but her. She is on my mind all the time and i dont think i can forget her. I had dreamt of doing so many things with her. Even if i meet someone else, i dont know if i can ever get over her. That would be terrible if that happens. And i am so scared of being alone too. If she leaves, there will be this huge void in my life which noone can fill...

[jades77]

i dont think i will be very happy being so far away from them. Atleast, i am not so sure i can be happy. More than just being far or close, the fact that i am away and cant do much for them worries me. My dad had an accident sometime back there are times he needs a lot of help. Its only going to get worse every year. I feel in sometime he will be really unable to do things himself. I can either expect my mom to take care of him or also be there to help them. If it ever came to this, it would make me very unhappy if i am away. At the same time, when i explained this to her, she suggested things like - they can visit us in the US or we can do down to India to see them if they are sick. But ultimately, she is making the point that this needs to be temporary and we need to get back to our life together. That talk has disappoiinted me totally. I know she and her parents think differently about this, but thats how i have been raised.

 

My family thinks i can still meet someone who is more willing to understand the situation and be a little more flexible. Somehow i cant convince myself that there can be anyone else for me.

[jades77]

Then why do i feel that i cant do with anyone else but her. She is on my mind all the time and i dont think i can forget her. I had dreamt of doing so many things with her. Even if i meet someone else, i dont know if i can ever get over her. That would be terrible if that happens. And i am so scared of being alone too. If she leaves, there will be this huge void in my life which noone can fill...

[monkey1]

I can't imagine being in your position.

 

My boyfriend is currently in the UK and I'm in the States and really for our relationship to work, one of us has to move, meaning one of us will have to leave our families. He and I met while he was living in the States so he has lived away for several years ... his parents are in their late 60s I believe, not to mention his dad just this last week had his hip replaced with an artifical one. Anyway, I have a hard time imagining living in the UK being apart from my family.

 

But I've come to realize that my grandma may not have many years left and my folks are ok, but you never know what can happen to someone. But I know my brother and sister are here locally so they wouldn't be alone.

 

I think when it comes to the point of deciding who will move for my relationship work, sadly I want him to move here, but at the same time I know that I have to be willing to make sacrifices too if I want this relationship to work.

 

Family is important to a lot of people, but it's hard to find someone you love a lot who you see a future with. Your parents health may become worse over the next several years, but at the same time, they are a plane ride away. I know that at the same time, kids need to do what makes them happen, even if it disappoints or makes other happy. This is especially hard when the unhappiness is coming from our parents. My parents wouldn't try and stop me from moving to the UK if I decided, and sure it would be hard for them knowing that I wasn't 2 hours away by car, but rather 12+hours away by plane ... an ocean away. But it doesn't mean that we wouldn't try to communicate and stay in touch and see each other when possible.

 

it's a tough situation you have and you really need to think what you want most. Sure you may be unhappy later down the road if you decide one thing over the other. I'm sorry your girlfriend isn't being more understand, but they both have points. It's boils down to your happiness and hopefully, whatever decision you decide, the other party will try and understand your decision was difficult and that they just want you to be happy in the end.

 

I'm not sure I helped you at all, but maybe just confused you more

[jades77]

Thanks for the response. Yes, it just confuses me more since you have told me the good and the bad equally. I have been thinking about this for a while now. She is infact ready to get married to another friend of hers who apparently lives in the US. She told me if it didnt work out between us, she didnt want to stop doing everything else in her life. She is goign to get married in a week and move to teh US later next month. I am having a terrible time thinking about all this. I have tried to work out this relationship between ours for the last 4 years and now I am so close to making it happen but i am not able to.

 

I have two sisters living here who can take care of my parents while i am gone, but I just wanted my girlfriend to understand that maybe i will have to come back after a few years if my parents needed me. She is not even willing to consider this decision at that point in time. Thats what has disappointed me. Atleast if she had told me that we could move for now and then later see how things go and be flexible based on that, it would have made it easier for me to say Yes. But with her being so adamant, i have started to think twice about everything. For instance, she told me that my parents can fly down to teh US and stay with us for a while when they wish to. But given the way she feels about this whole thing, i doubt if her relationship with my family will ever be easy. She has never met my parents till today even though we lived in teh same city. She always told me she was uncomfortable. I dont know exactly what the reason was, but never pushed her. Now i doubt if my getting married to her will actually take me away from my parents because she might always have issues with them interfering in our lives.

 

Its hard to predict what might happen. I might move with her and be unhappy or i might stay back and still be unhappy that i lost on the one who i loved so much. At the same time, i am afraid i will never be able to find someone again for myself or fall in love again if i let her go. Given everything as is, what do u think i should do?

[monkey1]

I think it's kind of odd she just met your parents. And the whole marriage thing to a friend? What's up with that? Does she hate India? Sounds kinda sketchy.

 

If I was in your situation, hmm ... I don't know, I think i'd need more info about her. But if it was based on my relationship at this moment, I think I would move to the UK to be with my boyfriend. And we've been together more or less 4 years and have thought about our future for a long time. If he said that he didn't want to return to the States to live, well, then I guess I would have to accept that. There would also be the possibility of me deciding to move back to the States indefinitely if one of my parents were sick or in the hosptial, you know, for a month or something. But really, I think he would come with me for a while and then return to the UK, if work needed him or whatever.

 

I too really love my boyfriend a lot and I can't imagine finding anyone else better or more loving than him. I'd be afraid of losing him too if he told me he never wanted to return to the States. But you know, at least there is a plane I can take whenver I wished so I could see my family. If my parents disapproved of me moving, it would be hard for me to take, but I would know that I'm making a decision based on my happiness because I'm important and my happiness is important. And if I didn't try to make my relationship work, then I would totally regret it.

[jades77]

There are things you probably should know to help me with this...

 

We have been in this relationship for over 4 years now. The first year was great and we thought we had everything we wanted. But then there were things that started causing problems. I was too much pre-occupied with my job and family and i did not give her enough attention. This happened because i have never been the kind of person who can read someone;s mind and she is the kind of the person who will never speak herself out and expect to be understood. She felt i never understood what she wanted to do in her career...I was probably insensitive and this caused a great deal of differences between us and for over the next 2 yrs, things were bad, in that she totally lost trust that i can ever understadn her and stopped talking to me. I tried my best to make her realize that i have realized my mistakes and was willing to work on everything. Ultimately after this long a time, about a month ago, we spoke about how we can try and work out things between us after marriage, and remove the communication gaps and build the trust thats needed. I promised her i would give it everything and she said she would try too.

 

what happened in the past is one of the reasons why she feels so insecure about our relationship. Thats where this other guy has come from. She always felt that this may not work out for all the problems we have had. She is moving to the US next month and she had asked me if i could move with her. I said yes and even managed to secure a job offer there. However, at that point we never did really speak about never really coming back. My family was all along supportive until i told them what she wanted me to do. They felt insecure because of her request that i settle down in the US for good. They also felt tht since she never came to visit them even once during our relationship, she will not be very comfortable either later if they visited us or we came down to visit them. Thats making me uncomfortable too. I asked her that in case if one of them is sick that i need to return indefinitely, then i should be able to do so,and we should probably come back here. There are lots of jobs out here too. But she is totally against it. She said we can come visit them for a few months at the max but then have to go back.

 

She doesnt hate India. She feels she has better career opportunities in the US and she wants to live there and make a good life. Her parents are supporting her in this and want her to do that. For now my sisters are close to my family and they should be ok. But i am worried about what will happen later.

 

She already has said things like "they are very unreasonable to expect u to stay close to them" or "they are too dependent on you and i dont want to be part of such a family". This talk has put me off and i think she somehow doesnt see the things i value so much. She has always been ready to give up and go our ways if its not been for my persistent requests to hold her back. But now its come to a situation where i have to let go of something. If i go with her, i will be giving up my home, my job, my friends etc and move with her without even knowing how i will be able to take care of my family in the future. I will have to make a change in career most probably to be with her and i was ok with this too.

 

She seems angry about everything that happened in the past because of me and not sure if she has ever forgiven me even though i have tried my best to make her realize how much she means to me. I truly love her and i have realized my mistakes. But now she is asking me to do something for her wihch might make me really unhappy. I dont know what i am going to regret.

 

Though i love her, i hate the messed up relationship we have had for the last 2 yrs. I have always wanted to do something to take it back to those days. If i dont say yes to her this week, she will get married to this guy and move out of here. I dont know what i am going to do after that.

 

Sometimes i think i can find someone who will make me happy and also make my family happy, but can i find someone who will love me like this again, i doubt it.

[arwen]

post under investigation