Should i marry her?

[jades77]

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 5 years now. We have been through some really troubled times and many a time at a point of breaking up. Though we have had many differences, we have been strong on our relationship and eventually wanted it to lead into a marriage. We have a big issue in communication and we dont undertstand each other that well. But i still love her and so does she. She wants to move to Europe after marriage and settle there for good. I live in Sri Lanka and have a family with old parents who have been expecting me to live close to them after i get married. I truly love her and dont think i will ever be able to live with anyone else if i let her go. But if i do get married to her, i will have to leave my old parents behind who do not have anyone else to support them. I have tried talking out with her on returning home when we could if my parents needed us, but she wont accept that. She wont return for any reason but to come visit our families once in a while. I dont know what to do because i cant let her go, but at the same time i cant leave my parents behind especially when they are old and fall sick often. I feel if i let her go, i will never be able to marry anyone again.

 

Please help

[brando]

well the communication problems may be the red flag. You both need ot adress these first prior to getting married, becuase a strong marriage will take strong communication skills.

[flower99]

well the communication problems may be the red flag. You both need ot adress these first prior to getting married, becuase a strong marriage will take strong communication skills.

 

totally agree!

Moving far from family & never moving back is a big request, if you don't want this. is there no room for compramise?

 

"I feel if I let her go I'll never be able to marry anyone again"

Don't hold on to someone cause you don't think you'll find better. Don't ever settle.

[jades77]

Unfortunately no. She has made it very clear that if i am not ready to move for good, then she doesnt want this marriage to happen. She does talk about visiting our families once in a while, but its more than that. I really feel the need to stay close to my older parents who have done so much for me. I feel i will not be able to love someone else or get married to anyone else but her. I am also afraid i will be really lonely if she leaves. We have shared so many dreams together and all that will be destroyed. We have a lot of problems to work on and we had agreed to do so, but then this issue of moving out of the country has put me in a fix. Looks like I am going to be unhappy no matter which decision i take now.

[coollady1957]

I agree that the communication issue should be resolved before you ever consider getting married. It seems you do have some issues as well pertaining to location and family if you were to get married that would present additional strain.

[jades77]

We have spoken about this and have told each other that we would work on the communication and make sure it gets better. It never did in the last few years, but we hoped it would be better if we tried. But I am not able to say yes to her because i will have to move out of the country. Also, she is not very comfortable with my family and this i feel will bring about a lot of differences in the future. The biggest problem i have now is that if i say No to her, will i ever be able to be in love again and get married? I am almost 30 years old and that bothers me too.

[flower99]

Oh sweetie, you last line makes me sad.

Moving out of the country is a big step and a huge decsion to leave family & it's obvious this isn't what you want & it isn't something you could do with a clear conscience. That is important to look at!

 

I understand your fear of ever being able to love or marry someone besides her. But if this is the decison you make family or her what will it be? Everyone has that fear when they go break up, I have & most of the post on this site are about that. But we get through it & the end result is far greater than staying in it. You two want very different things. Unless there is comprimise, You won't be happy moving there & you will resent her for it. Dont' let fear stand in the way of your future & life

[arwen]

If you are doubting NOW if you should marry her, you probably shouldn't. She is asking a lot of you to propose settling in Europe. Have ever lived in Europe? Or stayed there? It's really a different culture. Is she from Europe?

 

Ilse

[arwen]

Of course you can fall in love with someone else. It's not a one-time event in your life. I am in my 3rd serious relationship and happier than ever. That also meant some difficult break ups and decisions in the past. She seems a bit manipulative to me, to be honest. She has put you in a very difficult position. How does she imagine to enter Europe by the way? It's not like you can just move in whenever you want to, what is her motivation for that?

 

Ilse

[RayKay]

Is she from Europe? Why is she so adamant about moving there? Are you able to get a Visa there, it's not easy to just move in there without being part of the Commonwealth or having dual citizenship at least!

 

Well, I think that yes, if you are having communication issues and several near breakups, you need to work on these prior to marriage.

 

Aside from that, it's important you two have similar goals for your relationship, including where you live. If you are that dissimilar, one of you will be unhappy it sounds like. And of course you want to be near your parents, totally understandable. While many couples go through this, compromises are usually made so you have to decide if there are other options together if you really want to be together.

 

I find it rather selfish she refuses to come back even if your parents needed you, and I wonder what her version of "once in a while" is? Seems rather strange to be adamant about that. Is there more to this story?

 

And, if you do choose to move on and break it off with her, you will have other opportunities. And of course you can, and will, fall in love again. Only you can decide what choice to make.

[jades77]

If i had to ask myself if it would be family or her, i would probably stay back for my family except for the fear of the unknown, the fear of staying alone and not being able to find someone who could make me forget her. My family has been there for me all these years and i am here because of them mostly, i just get a guilty feeling when i have to leave them and go and have them take care of themselves at their age. But i love her so much i cant seem to let her go. I would have been happy moving with her if we didnt have all the problems we have had in the past and if she agreed that we could come back when we needed to. Though we share many common interests, i dont think we understand each other and our needs are a little different. We think we can still make it work, but i am not sure if i will be happy if i leave and go. I know i can come visit my family once a year or so, but i will not be able to take care of them when they really need me. I feel responsible towards them and i think i should stay back and let her go. But there is this emptiness inside me that will haunt me if she goes away. There is this void that i dont think anyone can fill. I dont know what to do

[jades77]

She is not from Europe. Both of us are from Sri Lanka. However both of us have been to Europe earlier because of ur jobs. We work at the same place. She seems to like the work culture out there and wants to settle down there. She has told me that thats what her parents wanted her to do and they were perfectly OK with her staying away. But its a little different with me. I have grown very close to my family and the thought of going away indefinitely is not comforting. I have tried to talk to her into asking things like "What do we do if one of our parents is sick or needs help?", She has simply said that we could visit them and be with them when they need us but we need to be back to Europe because thats where she sees her future. My family is not comfortable with this idea. She has also said that my parents could come and visit us in Europe if they wanted to be closer to me, but i know its not going to be a very comfortable situation for everyone. She feels my parents are being unreasonable by expecting me to stay close to them and she feels i am giving up on her for them and thats a big mistake which i will suffer for. I am not able to express my grief to my family, because if they see me in this much trouble, they will ask me to go. I want to do the right thing. please help me decide.

[flower99]

I fully agree with Isle, if you are doubting it now, i think you shouldn't.

And YES you will fall in love again. it's not one time event.

Maybe there is just someone more suited for you, who you communicate well with & feels comfortable with your family & is more family orientented with a desire to stay in the same country (:

I think so (;

[arwen]

Being somewhere for work is something else than settling down in a completely different country. I get the impression she has a very romantic picture of this, but it's not even possible for people from Europe to settle in another European country without a whole lot of paperwork, visas and laws. The situation would be different if she were a European citizen. But also then, you would have to proof that you are in a real marriage (no green card situation) or have a permanent job. She sounds kind of rude towards your parents, you obviously want to live close to them so that you can take care of them. I don't know your gf, so it's hard to judge, but I stick to 'if you doubt, don't'.

 

Ilse

[jades77]

She asked me a week ago if i wanted to marry her. I have spent all my time over the last ten days thinking what i should do and i was not able to decide. I dont know whats stopping me from saying a yes to her. Maybe its the feeling of leaving home. I was OK staying away for a couple of years but eventually be open to coming back. She is a very ambitious and career oriented person and she feels theres nothing that she could get here and thats why she wants to grow in her career in Europe. If i have to go there, i will probably have to let go of my current job and also change my career path quite a bit. All this was ok with me expect the part of leaving my home. But she loves me a lot and cares for me. She cares so much tht it scares me if i can ever find someone who can care for me as much.

[jades77]

The VISA and paperwork i think has been worked out and she is sure she can do it. What i feel bad about is that she is ready to let go of me because of her career and ambitions in life. I am only letting her go because of my family. I am getting pulled in one direction with the need to have her and complete my being with this marriage taking place, but at the same time i am pulled in the opposite direction where i see the need to stay closer to my family and be of as much help to them as possible and give them everything i can in return for all that they have done for me.

[flower99]

The VISA and paperwork i think has been worked out and she is sure she can do it. What i feel bad about is that she is ready to let go of me because of her career and ambitions in life. I am only letting her go because of my family. I am getting pulled in one direction with the need to have her and complete my being with this marriage taking place, but at the same time i am pulled in the opposite direction where i see the need to stay closer to my family and be of as much help to them as possible and give them everything i can in return for all that they have done for me.

 

She is ready to let go of you for her career & lack of communication.

2 big warnings. those are serious things that will mess with a marriage.

 

That is wonderful you love your family & want to stay with them & give them what they gave you. I dont think I could leave mine either. actually i know I can't. So you should find someone that values family as much as you. or at least more than thier career. Cause really if she can leave you for a career...than maybe you aren't losing as much as you think.

[arwen]

Sorry but I doubt that the paperwork and VISA is actually done. Without a work permit for both of you, or having a status as a fugitive from war, it's really not that easy to change countries. My friend is marrying a Canadian (we're both Dutch), and she can only get temporary papers.

 

But that's not the issue here. Do YOU want to move to a complete different country? If you do not whole-heartily do so, then you shouldn't go. Another thing, you say communication is problematic. When you will move countries, SHE is the only person you know within a distance of thousands of kilometers. And even if you were staying in Sri Lanka, why would you marry a person that you feel you can't communicate with? Is she the only girl you have ever been with? You seem scared to let go of someone who isn't particularly good for you, as if you are scared to be alone.

 

Ilse

[jades77]

thank you for the advice. it just makes me feel stronger everytime i prepare myself to say No. She has infact told me that if it doesnt work out between us, she will probably marry an old friend of hers since her parents want her married before she moves out to Europe. Tht guy is from Europe too. I know she doesnt love him but she is willing to do this for her parents. But I know in the course of time she will be happy with him because he understands her very well. Looks like i am the one who is going to hurt the most. I am going to lose out on the first person i have loved so much and who has loved me back so much too. Sometimes i feel why all this happenend...5 years of wasted time and feelings for someone which didnt lead to anything. If i say NO to her, she will get married next week to this guy, and i really dread that. I dont know how i am going to react that day or anyday after that. Something tells me i cant love anyone else or i cant imagine waking up next to someone else. She is so much all inside me. Its too weird and scary to think of what might happen.

[jades77]

Both of us have work permits and the company who will employ us there will process our green cards. You are right, thats not the big problem here. I am not sure if i move to Europe forever i will be happy. I have always wanted to travel and work abroad, have done so in the US too, but have always wanted to come back sooner or later. I have always wanted to be in a position to travel on work but come back home after a while. Thats how my job is now. I will have to let that go and move to Europe and then plan to visit my parents in vacation when i can. I feel that i may not be able to do justice and give enough attention to them and her if i am put in this situation. Also, i am very attached to my family and cant do without them for long.

 

When i said communication problems, i really meant that we have an issue understanding each other. She is the kind of person who will never speak about what is bothering her, and i am the kind of person who takes a while to understand people. So there have been times when she has felt that i dont care for her or understand her because i never asked her waht she wanted or what was troubling her. This has caused a lot of differences between us which we think we can work on after marriage, but i am not sure how much either of us will change.

 

Yes, she is the first person i am deeply in love with, though i have had a crush earlier which did not work out. Never got to figure out if it was love. But yes, i am afraid of being alone and not being able to find someone to remove that empty feeling.

 

Everyone tells me marriage is supposed to be the happiest event of our lives, looks like it would not be so for me if i got married to her.

[fishrrshortae]

I wouldn't ever marry someone that didn't understand a pressing need to take care of my parents. Especially since you said that they have done so much for you. My parents and I definitely don't always get along but I would never leave them alone in their old age, and if I was married at the time and my husband didn't get that, well he wouldn't be my husband for very long.

[jades77]

Even if there is no pressing need now, it will be there a few years later. Thats really what i had asked her. That we come back home when there was such a need and find jobs out here. There are plenty of options here, but she feels that if someone needed us, we could visit them and spend sometime with them, but eventually have to go back. She just doesnt want to settle back home. I just cant understand why she is being so adamant. In fact when i asked her, she bluntly replied saying that thats what she wants and if i am not OK with it then we can call this off.

[jades77]

I really now have a day left before i tell her something. I am so confused i dont know what to do. I tried posting this same problem on other forums but cant get much help. All of you have given great responses, but it seems so hard to decide in one day

[arwen]

Hey Jades, and fellow enotaloners,

 

I stuck this thread to the main page, because I know you feel distraught by this situation. My advise is the same as it was yesterday, but it's difficult to advise someone to 'not' marry someone. It's ultimately YOUR decision. All we can do is try to get you some perspective. I think you are worth much more than she offers you. She is manipulating you to move, and threatens to marry someone else if you won't. That is enough reason to say goodbye to her for good. Maybe it isn't what you want to hear, but I doubt that she genuinely loves you, she is just in it for herself. She would be a lot more considerate of your feelings towards your family and your wish to live where you live.

 

Ilse

[jades77]

Deal Ilse,

I know its difficult for someone outside this relationship to give such a judgement as to what i should do. I dont know if she is being manipulative or taking it out on me for everything that has happened in the past. I admit she has been through a lot of trouble because of the fact that i was insensitive to her needs many times and wasnt with her when she needed me the most. But i have several times admitted to her all my mistakes and have been trying my best to show that i truly care. I have in fact, put everything else aside in the last six months to help her in all aspects of her getting admission to her school. But some of her statements hurt me a lot. I asked her one day that when i was ready to leave everything for her and come with her, why is she not ready to do much for me? She replied back bluntly and said "I have done a lot for you. Its payback time now!". I dont know if such things are said and done when ppl are in love, but it hurt me a lot. All that had happened between us earlier was because of my being immature to handle this relationship, i had never done anything intentionally, and she knows this. Why she is behaving this way now, i just dont know. I know she is hurt, but i wanted to make things better for her and for us, but not at such a cost....

 

But now we are at a position where one of us has to give up what we want to do to be with each other. I dont know if i should say she doesnt love me because she wants to leave and build a career. I too am willing to let her go because i want to stay back for my family. Does that mean i dont love her enough? She is getting married to this guy because her family doesnt want her to move away all alone. I cant understand whats in her mind. I know she is feeling bad too and wants me to be with her, thats why she even approached me after her engagement with him and asked me again if i was ready to move with her. I always wanted to do something in life which would never cause any trouble to anyone, especially someone as close to me as my parents. If i ended up going with her and put away everything else, i might begin to feel i was selfish. Looks like i am going to end up hurting someone for sure here...and most of all, myself.