My boyfriend is so confusing!!! How weird is this???

[whatsagirltodo]

This is in response to this thread:

 

 

So I talked to my bf yesterday and he definitly wanted to break-up.

 

He said he just doesn't understand relationships and doesn't think he's a good boyfriend. Everything in his life pretty much sucks and he feels like nothing ever goes his way. He says that he is not happy with his life or himself and thinks it's best if we aren't together because it's the best for both of us.

 

On the other hand, he doesn't want me out of his life completely because he loves me and cares about me (he has all the same feelings for me that he has for the past year we've been dating).

 

I really don't understand what the issue is and I try to get him to explain it to me but he doesn't even make any sense.

 

What i've understood it to be is that he feels like he has nothing to contribute to this relationship. He feels guilty because we go out and i always pay. He doesn't like that I care so much about him and love him, and he thinks I shouldn't have those kinds of feelings for him, because he's never done anything to deserve me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he has no other solution to these issues except to break-up.

 

Is this his depression talking? I have no idea.

 

So we talked and I told him that if we both love eachother and want to be together then we SHOULD. He said we should just be friends. How the heck do you go from being a couple to friends? I told him that if we were just friends I would never be happy because i'd always be holding onto the hope that someday we'd be together again, and THAT is not healthy. So then we were talking about being "just friends" and creating "rules" and I got the impression that he just doesn't want to feel pressured into trying to be a good boyfriend (he pressures himself) but at the same time he can only do that by stepping out of the relationship So we decided no relationship-type stuff like kissing, holding hands, etc...and then he said no "i love yous"...which would be hardest for me because i do love him and he loves me...

 

 

Anyway, those were "the rules" and then i asked him if he'd go out with me for our one-year "friendship" (lol) instead of anniversary. So i got dressed and i was looking SO hot (i figured maybe he'd snap out of this with a short skirt and a low-cut top, lol). He told me about ten times how good i looked when i got there. We went to dinner and joked the whole time about "we're just friends"...but at the same time there was no kissing, no touching, we were like a couple, but nothing intimate. I was fine with everything and having a great time...it was one of the best dinners we had in a long time. (and he drank half a glass of vodka at dinner...which comes into play later on)

 

Then we went to Barnes and Noble and before we got out of the car he's like "this is really awkward". And I'm like "why?" he said he didn't know, the whole situation just felt weird, and i asked him if he wants me to take him home (i drove) and he said no, so we went inside. He was acting weird and I think the vodka was starting to kick in, lol. (he's on an anti-depressant so any little bit of alcohol gets him drunk, but sometimes it takes a long time before he is actually drunk) He was acting more lovey-dovey in the bookstore holding me around my waist and shoulders and stuff.

 

THEN we went to blockbuster, got a movie, and went back to his place. He was pretty drunk by then and (it's hot in his bedroom) so he took off all his clothes except his underwear (which is a normal thing for him, except tonite we were suppossed to be "just friends") Anyway, 10-15 minutes of movie-watching go by and he asks me to go downstairs and get us water and when I come back to give him a blow job - lol. I was confused, and after like 2 minutes of talking about i don't remember what, I did exactly what he said, lol. (which isn't anything abnormal for us, but we were suppossed to be "just friends")

 

That turned into about 2 hours of sex - really GOOD sex...(when he drinks vodka he can't get off so he quit when he was too hot and sweaty and tired, lol) We said i love you like 10 times (He even voluntarily said i love you to me w/o me saying it first)

and I was confused afterwards but i was too tired to worry about it.

 

So today I woke up and I talked to him and we were joking and stuff and i'm still confused and i think he is too. He didn't want to say "i love you" when we hung up. I told him to think about everything and i'll think about things, and to call me when he's ready to talk. (we are still going to the beach on the 27th)

 

I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, and everything has been so good between us. I don't understand whats going on.

 

Can ANYONE give me some insight to this situation. Some things may not make sense, or could easily be taken out of context, so i'll try to stay on top of the replies.

 

 

Thanks!!!!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He needs to help himself and you need to step back and let him sort this out. He has too much to drink and then wants to have sex with you but then wants to break up with you all the time. Don't have sex with him, don't see him, go no contact or limited contact until he makes up his mind to really sort through his feelings of depression and low self esteem. The longer you hang on, the more he will drag you down and confuse you. Yes, he may love you, but unfortunately love does not solve the problem. You can be there as a support to him but in the end, he has to work on his problems and overcome them. He has to make the effort and realize his actions are hurting you.

[whatsagirltodo]

I really wish I could get some insight as to what is going ON here before I make any decisions regarding completely removing myself from this guys life. I mean he could really need help, and i'm the only person there is to help him.

 

Why is he acting like this? What is going on here?

 

I stopped by his work, I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure he was upset I came because he thought i wanted to talk. I honestly don't know why I went there, but it was kind of awkward and then I left.

 

I'm just so confused...We're suppossed to "talk" tonite. Talk about what?? I have no idea...

[whatsagirltodo]

I've been reading about depression. It seems like this is all stemming from his depression. I think I know what I'm going to say to him tonite and hopefully he'll go for it. We'll see what happens...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am going through my own turmoil with a man who has self-esteem issues and gave mixed messages. I was patient and understanding thinking that by being that way, and being there for him, he would eventually feel comfortable enough to work things out together. He would try to get close but then withdraw. I would keep getting mixed messages. It was very clear he really cared about me, but despite this, he could not work on his hangups. After four years and him continually withdrawing more and more, I finally went no contact at the end of April. I did not bother to tell him because for four years he was so hung up on his feelings, he didn't bother to consider or understand mine...yet I was putting my feelings on hold to try to understand where he was coming from. I can't begin to tell you how painful this is and how angry I am for wasting four years trying to be patient and understanding to someone who was clearly a train wreck and was a work-a-holic in order not to deal with his feelings of low self-esteem.

 

I know you want to understand him and be there for him. Only you will know when it is time to throw in the towel. I had many people tell me to forget him, he is a lost cause, but I soldiered on until I knew I had done everything possible and there was nothing left for me to do. Although I am angry at him and also at myself for putting up with it so long, the rational side of me says that at least I left knowing that I did everything I could so I will never have any thoughts of "what if I had done..."

 

If you stick around with him, be prepared for the rollercoaster, sometimes being confident that things are well, other times being hopelessly confused.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I re-read your post and there are some things I need to add with regards to my story. I too read up on things which I knew my guy was dealing with....such as men who are painfully shy when it comes to dealing with relationships and children of Holocaust survivors and how the experience impacts their relationship with others. So what happened was that I was busy reading stuff to understand him (which is why I hung on for four years), but he did not take the time to do any self-analysis and figure out what was wrong and how he could work on himself and overcome his issues.

 

When you talk to your boyfriend, he may or may not be receptive. Be prepared just in case your talk doesn't go over very well. Don't push yourself on him because you will only drive him away.

[whatsagirltodo]

Thanks, I understand that what is going on with me may very well turn into your situation. It's not so much that I want to hang on and hope he changes or things get better, it's more that i truly care about him and want to help him. Things have been just going more and more downhill for him and I can't just leave him. When someone you care about is in need of help, you don't just leave them and don't talk to them anymore, you know? Even if we aren't in a relationship I still want to be able to be here for him and try to help him. He needs someone to be here for him. He has told me that he has shared things with me that he has never told anyone, and he is sometimes uncomfortable being so close with someone, as he never has been his whole life, not even with family.

 

It's a tough situation, but really I'm looking forward to going to the beach with him in two weeks and having a good time away from all of our everyday stress, and we'll see how things go from there...

[Momene]

As a depressed person married to one, the temptation is that if the rest of your life is carp you depend on the realtionship for everything and you neglect work, friends, hobbies. "I can't live without you" may well be sthe stuff of romantic songs but in real life it's pants. Total dependence is really bad news.

 

If you are depressed, NOBODY can help you but yourself but you find that professional help can guide you. I know this from my own experience and that of others. You either have to learn how to accept your situation or have the courage to change it.

 

If your partner is depressed, marrying them, etc will NOT change a thing and I will advise anyone not to hang on to a depressed person in the hope that they will change. many won't.