How do you know and is it important?

[mrjsmom]

Hi. This is my first post. I am a single mom of two, one each. My son has said/done some things to indicate that he may be attracted to boys.

 

For instantance, last night while watching a movie with a boys locker room scene, he said "I want to watch this again just to see the boys in the locker room" and then immediately said "nevermind"! I think it's ok, but everytime I ask him to talk about it, he says the same thing.

 

How do I get him to trust that I will accept ANYTHING he does in life? I am ok with it, but don't really know how to get that point accross to him and don't want to be too pushy or lead him in one direction or another. I want to raise an independent, happy man!

[mgirl]

Oh, haha, it sounds like he might be gay and is throwing the hints at you!!!

 

You'll have to be subtle... Maybe start talking about a friends fictious gay son or something, just to give him the idea that you are okay with it.

[OceanEyes]

Here's what I would do:

 

- Find an article in the newspaper that discusses anything having to do with gay rights. While he is around, include him in a discussion about the article. Be very supportive of gay rights, and indicate that you think any choice is great as long as people are happy with those choices. If you're really feeling bold, say something like, "if one of MY children was gay, I'd be happier that I wouldn't have to meet a bunch of girls who I probably wouldn't like anyway!" (then laugh and watch his reaction).

 

- If you have an open and honest relationship with your son, tell him that, no matter WHAT, you will support any choices that he makes in life. He may not 'come out' to you immediately, as it will be a huge step for him, but he will think about it and do so eventually.

 

As long as you are open, honest, and receptive to him, he WILL eventually share that part of himself with you. It may not be right away, but he will. Sometimes it just takes a while.

 

By the way - I applaud your acceptance and unconditional love. I really do. I feel that it is such a blessing to have parents who accept you as you are. If your son does end up being gay, he'll be one lucky guy to have such a loving mom.

[mrjsmom]

Thank you!! He is only 11. I know that's early but I remember being more aware of members of my own sex instead of the opposite at that age.

 

The locker room scene was guys getting dressed (waist up), and of course, a girl barging in to tell one of them off. Who knows...am I suppose to really care? I mean I want him happy with himself first and foremost. The rest is up to him...

 

I have always said I would rather someone be happy (I have several gay friends) with a member of the same sex, instead of miserable with a member of the opposite. I may have to live by those words!

[FoxLocke]

Oh yeah at 11 he definitely knows something is different, due to the puberty factor.

 

I first told my mom when I was 13. She freaked of course. So I basically kept it to myself for the next 15 years...But I think he is gay...I think he has to solidfy his identity on his own, and when he is ready he will share with you.

 

I think it is so cool that you are so open and accepting of gay people. He is lucky to have you. I wish more parents didn't care...All it is is sexuality, no more no less.

 

Cheers!

[Daddy Bear]

hi mrjsmom. i have always made the point of telling my kids that no matter what they choose in life, i will support their decisions as long as they walk the path of conscience and compassion. i never steered them in one direction or the other (except when it came to baseball) and i didn't have to specifically mention sexual orientation in order to get my point accross.

 

i'm thinking that this might work for you and your son as well.

[Tigris]

Instead of just aiming this conversation at your son why don't you talk to both the children together? Treat them both the same and it won't be so noticeable. Introduce them to your gay friends. When children see you acting normal around gay people then they do the same.

 

I've always had a very close relationship with my nephew. When he was 10 I told him that although I was married to his uncle, I may when I was a lot older end up being with a lady. He just took it in his stride and we never talked about it anymore.

 

Last year (he's now 15) I told him that his uncle and I were getting a divorce because I didn't love him as a husband anymore. Of course he's upset about that, he's known him for 14 years. I asked him if he remembered when I told him that I might end up being with a lady. He said, 'Yes.' I told him that I'd fallen in love with a lady and we were getting engaged. He was quiet but seemed ok. When I went out to Australia in February to meet her for the first time he gave me a big hug which was unusual.

 

When I returned I asked if he was ok about my relationship and was there any questions he wanted to ask? He said, 'I'm only bothered about one thing?' 'You can ask me or tell me anything you want,' I said. 'I don't want you to go and live in Australia because I'll never see you again,' he said. 'I told him that he can come and see us anytime he wants and that he'll always be welcome. I also reminded him that if he ever needed anywhere to stay permanently there's always a place in my home for him.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Finally, has it occurred to you that he might get aroused at that scene because the girl walked in on the guys and saw them. I wonder if he wishes it was him?

[mrjsmom]

Thank you. We were shopping today and he showed me a pack of underware with a almost naked man on it. So I asked...."what is it about that you like?" (am I too pushy? I don't want to act like "OH MY GOOOOD!!) and he just smiled. So I pushed it again, and said..."Do you wish you were WITH him or wish you LOOKED like him?" He said...."Ma, I wish I had a body like that!!"

So I just said to him..."Well baby, I don't blame you, he's pretty hunky" and left it at that.

 

He is a good boy, handsome, smart, polite (no kidding), would help an old lady with her groceries etc. So, no worries there.

 

I like what you all have been saying and what ever will be will be. I just needed advice on the WHAT IF'S?? Yeah, I'm cool, but this is MY KID. He will NEVER think that. Being a single mom, so many parents loose their communication skill with their children and I wouldn't want that. His father would DIE and blame it on me (of course).

 

He knows my g/f who is gay but lives in Fla so doesn't see her much and the others are co-workers who I haven't had over due to scheduling. My niece is (hasn't come out to him yet) and he sees her all the time. So, I feel is not sheltered in that way.

 

He also comments about girls, and has friends that he shares that kinda stuff with as well.

[Tigris]

WELL DONE! I think you handled the underwear situation brilliantly.

 

If you ever need reassurance or just want to chat PM me. I'm on MSN too so just ask for my address.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with Tigris that he is defintely at the age of exploration and if you haven't done so already, a chat to both of the boys at the same time so as not to call one out over the other may be a good idea.

 

May just be a good idear in general as they are at the age of curiosity and may have loasd of questions anyway.

 

Then you can address any and all of the issues heterosexuality and homosexuality....

 

Sounds like you're a great, concerned and understanding mother. I'm jealous....

[mrjsmom]

Thank you all so much!

 

Tigris I would love to chat!

 

I think as a mom, I go thru these panic moments when I am praying I am doing the right thing.

 

My little one (girl) is only 7 - and I am totally NOT ready to have the 'talk' with her, but my son is asking A LOT of questions, and I agree the last post, it's time to have a longer, maybe a bit more detailed talk with my son. I think a trip to a book store might be good for me as well.

 

They all started 'gay' talk in school ( and I handled an explanation - minus the actually acts - pretty much in detail, I called it an alternate life style where instead of a mom/dad you would find two of EACH in that type of family, and all that's important is LOVE, FAMILY etc.) this year and that might be what is on his mind and it's totally ok in my book that he is curious in every respect. That's healthy right?? That IS normal - to be curious.

[Tigris]

Yes it's normal to be curious. Just make sure that he understands that any sexual contact with anyone means the use of condoms.

 

You're a great Mother.

[mrjsmom]

Tigris -

 

Thanks again - I have told him that condoms are a must in any situation. We talk about that kinda stuff all the time!! I have older nieces and nephews and we were raised to be very open sexually. I can even talk to my mom (who is 73 and a nurse practioner!) about my sex life!!

 

BTW, I love your engagement counter...very cute!!

[northernlights]

I agree that the underwear thing was handled well. You sound like you have a great, open relationship with your son already. I could never imagine my mom asking me "would you like to be WITH her" if I was staring at a female underwear model!

 

Also, I think the fact that he knows you have a girlfriend is a HUGE indication that he knows you will accept him no matter what his sexuality is. It's much easier for children to come out to gay parents than to straight ones, I imagine!

 

Since he's probably at that puberty stage when he starts feeling attraction for boys or girls, give him the time to figure it out. He might not even know for sure, and he probably won't tell you unless he is sure. I think when he's ready though, he'll know you won't care from all of your own hints you've been giving him. You two seem to understand each other well.

 

Oh, and xxxscorpioxxx...the 9 year old kid you babysat might not have reached puberty yet, so don't worry. Boys mature later than girls as we all know, and 9 is a really early age for a boy to start puberty. He might have just been curious, or fascinated, not lustful.

[trueblue30]

Mrjsmom, I commend you on your relationship with your son. I just posted about coming out to my family. I wish someone in my family would have talked to me and made me feel it was ok. If you're son is gay, then he will thank you for that reassurance so early in his life.

 

I'm not a parent, but I hope that a lot of parents have dialogue with their children about being gay or lesbian or other lifestyles, I mean regardless of whether they show signs or not. It would help to make the next generation more accepting and we could have people be more comfortable and confident about coming out. But I'm getting off topic here.

 

Anyway, I think you're dealing with this just brilliantly

[mrjsmom]

Northernlights -

 

Just to clear things up...I have a friend that is a lesbian, I am not!! I always call my female friends - 'girlfriends', sorry for the confusion. (but hey, it's cool!!)

 

Thank you all so much for complimenting me on my mommy skills, I would have thought for sure that I was loosing him on this. Last night we talked some more, not about this issue, but about nature, (his goal in life is to help endangered animals)...he is so damn wonderful and we hardly get one on one together it was nice.

 

When the subject comes up again, I will be more prepaired.

[northernlights]

Northernlights -

 

Just to clear things up...I have a friend that is a lesbian, I am not!! I always call my female friends - 'girlfriends', sorry for the confusion. (but hey, it's cool!!)

 

Oh dear, sorry for the confusion! I forgot that some people call close female friends "girlfriends" and I just assumed that you meant girlfriend in the other way. Ooooops.