I feel like a weirdo

[redrose85]

You might all think I am nuts, but I need to vent. I have had the "baby bug" this desire for a family of my own for years now, and I think I understand why, but I just can't seem to turn it off. I'm in a new relationship, but we are truly in love, have talked about marriage and kids, and definitely see that in our future. I am having the time of my life right now. I'm 20, and though I have a crappy job, I'm looking forward to going to college, getting a career going, travelling the world, etc... a baby would put a crimp in everything. Especially since my boyfriend and I have decided not to live together until marriage. I'm not saying I want to try to have a baby, I have dreams to fulfill, and so does he. If it happened, we'd embrace it, but it's not the time or place right now because we've both got so much freedom. Secretly, I would much rather be a stay at home mom than a career woman. I feel as though by going to college and getting a career and doing all this, I am just biding my time, doing the right thing and waiting for the time when I can have kids. Don't get me wrong, I've been around lots of babies, and small children, and I played a huge role in the first year of a friend's baby's life. I do know what it is all about, I know it's not all romance. I think it is because my own family is so broken up, and I have been through quite a bit in the past few years (loooong story). That's as far as I get though, and I feel as though I am the only person who feels this way, and I feel ridiculous, and would like to know if anyone out there feels the same. Like, even though you know it's not your time, and it's not a good idea at this point, you get jealous of pregnant women, love watching little kids play and long for a family of your own. Is this just a woman thing?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

It is your maternal instincts kicking in. You are not weird at all. It can happen quite a bit in a woman's 20s. It comes and goes. I remember when I was 25, whoa! That is all I thought about, it took several months to the instincts to become dormant again. Now I am 29, it has come back.

 

Throughout my 20s, I was not ready. Although spiritually and emotionally I felt I was. I love babies and I have a 5 year old niece. BUT it is different when it is your own. Just know it is your instincts an it is nothing to worry about. Make sure you use precautions with your boyfriend because you are not ready, based on what you wrote in your post. Take care and all the best.

[PRSOV]

Thats not weird, I am male and I still have these on and off feelings about wanting to get married, have kids... have the dream home, but to me it is still just dreams for now, and just like you I have shorter term things that I would like to achieve first before I settle down and try for these things.

 

It is completely normal to want this thing at your age, but whether you would be physically, mentally or emotionally ready for this maybe a totally different matter.

 

Enjoy being young, having fun and finishing off your college exams because you will have all the time in the world after to have a baby and settle down to start a family. It will all happen in it's own natural cause.

 

Take care and enjoy these more memorable younger years while you can.

 

PR

[RayKay]

It's not weird, many many women, and men, get that "baby bug" and I agree with kellbell that it comes and goes - largely in part because while your biological desire and hormones are there, you still also have your rational mind which knows that just because your body wants them, and you do have that desire, it does not mean it's the RIGHT TIME in your life to have them. It is totally different when they are your own, and no amount of babysitting, or being a great older sibling or aunt prepares you for that, and most people DO realize this which is why they don't rush into it.

 

Just realize that wanting them emotionally and physically, does not mean you are truly prepared for them spiritually, financially...or even emotionally for that matter! I don't think it is every what anyone expects it to be...not necessarily bad, but a massive responsibility in more ways than one.

 

I suggest you DO go to school, you DO work on yourself and your individual life, and when the time is right, you will know. Educating yourself will not only do loads for your own confidence and opportunity, it also serves as a good role model to children when you do have them. Don't limit yourself. Trust me, I have felt the same way as you have at times, but I am so glad I HAVE educated myself, and developed my own interests and hobbies, because well, life does not always turn out how you expect it, and you need to have that "centre" of yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

It's weird isn't it? I really believe it's a hormonal thing. I got the same thing around your age, and before that I didn't even want kids!

 

I also sometimes feel like "all I want is to have kids and stay home." Well, here's the benefit of having a career: maternity benefits! A year stay home pay, which many companies 'top up.' That is what to aim for

 

Working isn't as important as family and children to me.

[pennyroyalFnT]

It is totally natural for you to hear a time clock ticking occasionally. I am 26 and I was a nanny for two small children for years and everyday I would go home with a different feeling about children. I know that with my experience I would be a great mother to children at any bend in the road but there are many other things in life that I want for myself before I get there, as I feel you are in the same position. When I was 20 I told myself I would never have kids and now I feel like someday I will. A few years ago my little sisters started having babies and that made me have the itch for them as well. I got off the pill thinking I would prepare my body for it when and if my husband and I were ready but we weren't then (3 years ago) and certainly not ready now since we are having our own marital issues. There is a time for everything. I sometimes feel selfish about not wanting them right now, what if this is the "time" to have them for me? what if I can't have them when I want to? I think you should pursue your own happiness and when you are happy with your life and if you are still with this boyfriend then you will decide when it is a right time to have children. Don't rush into life, take it one day at a time and it will give you back the same. My sisters were 19 and 20 when they had their children, unmarried. They love their children all the same but wish they had waited until later on in life (they sometimes are jealous of the life I have lived without children). They are both married now, the younger of the two has two children now and the older is going to adopt another one. Children are absolutely wonderful, they are the future whether they are yours or someone elses love them!

[redrose85]

*phew!* I feel a bit better. Still, I wish I could turn it off because it is driving me crazy!! It really is both physical and emotional, and it's very annoying lol. I can't wait to get started in school. I really think it will help. I talked to my bf about it, and he said he sometimes gets that way too. In fact, he said that he would love to have a little boy with me someday. I'm working on convincing him that not all little girls are as high maintenance as his sister lol. He's scared of having a girl that will hate him the way his sister does their dad (dunno the whole story) I thought that was really cute, and watching him playing with my friend's 7 yr old daughter yesterday was so sweet. I know he'd be a good daddy, so it's like it's our dream, and we both feel pretty much the same way.

[Hope75]

It's definitely normal to have that 'urge', but best to curb it until you really do have a stable, well paying career, a college education, are married and financially secure, and know that the time is really right.

 

Even then a baby will put demands on you and your relationship that no amount of child care you gave to friend's and family's children can prepare you for.

 

Good luck, use protection, and keep yourself on the right track until you are truly ready!

[randiandriien]

I didn't want kids until I was like 27 or 28 before I met my fiance. Now, being with him, I CANT WAIT! We have both finished college and we're getting married at the beginning of next year. Of course we tell everyone as soon as we're married we're going to start trying, but everyone says we need to wait and take time to be married to each other for a while.

I was with my friend and her 3 week old son today. I didn't want to put him down! Yeah I get that feeling a lot!!

[Jennster]

^^^ I'm confused...you didn't want kids until you were 27 or 28? But your profile says you're 23? I'm sorry I'm just confused.

[randiandriien]

^^^ I'm confused...you didn't want kids until you were 27 or 28? But your profile says you're 23? I'm sorry I'm just confused.

Before I was with Riien I used to look at the future and think that I would not want to have kids until later in my 20's, but now I'm 23 and I'm ready...now. I don't want to wait until then.

[Jennster]

OOOOOh I get it now Yeah I was the same...I always imagined having kids around 26 or 27...I'm 24 now and I'm itchin big time for them.

[randiandriien]

OOOOOh I get it now Yeah I was the same...I always imagined having kids around 26 or 27...I'm 24 now and I'm itchin big time for them.

haha! Exactly! I used to see kids and think..AHHH...NO!! lol Ya know this might sound really really weird, but I think it also has a lot to do with who you're with. The thought of kids with my ex before Riien had me in tears! But with him, I just can't wait! He keeps saying let's get married tomorrow so we can have kids the next day...hahaha

 

I also don't want to be A LOT older than my kids. Is that weird too?

[Jennster]

No that's not weird! I had this sort of dream that I wanted to be 25 when I had my first...cause my mom had me when she was 25...I think that's the perfect amount of time between mother and child. Personally I think 30 is my limit for kids. I used to have friends whose parents were in their 50s when we were in elementary school - that's just not good in my opinion...I want to be able to do fun things with my kids and if I'm too old it would be harder

[RayKay]

Just goes to show you...it changes on & off!

 

When I was younger, I wanted to have kids around the age I am now too...now that I am here, well, I am not ready, nor is my life ready for them yet!

 

Not saying I don't get a desire to have them now and then and I do want them with my partner most definitely and even crave having them, but certainly when I look at it right now it seems more overwhelming at this point in my life! I love the "idea", but am not ready for the reality yet....especially not with a return to school in September!

 

I am not too worried about having them when I am in my early 30's (which is my new time based on me graduating from Law and so on) because I do maintain very good health, and I know I will be more financially ready at that time as well. And, I think both my partner and I will be better prepared too (we want to spend some more "us" time still yet!). My only concern with that is due to high risk of breast cancer in 30's and 40's in my family, that I would face a good possibility of going through a cancer diagnosis with very young children still very dependent on me. However, there are never such guarantees anyway that I will or won't get it, or would not face something else entirely way before, or way after then, so it's a risk I have to weigh of course and make my decisions (ie I may choose to get a prophylactic mastectomy after having my kids for example).

 

I am however not worried about the age thing for me, like I said, I am in very good health and know I could "keep up", even more so as I have very good "balance" in my life. You are only as old as you believe you are...and as you live to be. I know 70 year olds whom can kick my butt on the bike trails and are way more lively than many 20 year olds..so, it's not automatic that being older actually MAKES you older.

[randiandriien]

So as they say..."to each her own" I can understand wanting to be financially stable when babies start coming into the picture. I think we're pretty lucky, because we're both out of college already and he has a stable career and he is going to help me achieve my dream...I hope. I want a non profit animal shelter to save all the little puppies and kittens (and other animals) in the world! *Hey! One can dream!*

 

So I do have a question...what do you think about naming your son after his dad? My mom was named after her dad and I was named after my dad. But I think we're going to name the first boy Riien also..."little Riien." Do a lot of people still do that?

[randiandriien]

No that's not weird! I had this sort of dream that I wanted to be 25 when I had my first...cause my mom had me when she was 25...I think that's the perfect amount of time between mother and child. Personally I think 30 is my limit for kids. I used to have friends whose parents were in their 50s when we were in elementary school - that's just not good in my opinion...I want to be able to do fun things with my kids and if I'm too old it would be harder

I think it would be tough to be really old with young kids, because unfortunately it means you don't have that much time left and I really don't want to die when my kids are only like 30.

[RayKay]

I think it would be tough to be really old with young kids, because unfortunately it means you don't have that much time left and I really don't want to die when my kids are only like 30.

 

I can understand that but again, no guarantees there though either, you know?

 

My mother lost her mother when she was 27...but her mom was only 50.

 

My mother was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer in December 2005 at age 48....she had me when she was 21. She is still fighting it with all she has, but still, the possibility is very real.

 

I know another woman whom died in her mid 20's of cancer with two very young kids.

 

On the other hand, my bf's mother had him and his three brothers while she was in their 30's, and that family has extradonarily long lifespans. His parents will be around a while by the looks of it....

 

That's why each day should be lived to the max, and you have to do what is right for you....and not make those kind of choices from fear, but rather from what is right for you. I know I am going to stay in best health I can, and that I can do everything I can to stay around a long time, but there are certain things I can't avoid, and I would have to deal with whatever age my children are at when I do....and that is risk I accept for me.

[RayKay]

So as they say..."to each her own" I can understand wanting to be financially stable when babies start coming into the picture. I think we're pretty lucky, because we're both out of college already and he has a stable career and he is going to help me achieve my dream...I hope. I want a non profit animal shelter to save all the little puppies and kittens (and other animals) in the world! *Hey! One can dream!*

 

So I do have a question...what do you think about naming your son after his dad? My mom was named after her dad and I was named after my dad. But I think we're going to name the first boy Riien also..."little Riien." Do a lot of people still do that?

 

Well, we are both out of university/college too. I have a BA and have been working several years at some good jobs in financial industry, as well as in contracts/tendering, and my bf is an Engineer.

 

However, I am choosing to go back for my own personal reasons. We would be in a good financial place to have children right now if I had chosen NOT to go back, so that was not the reason we chose not too. It's mostly due to our own goals for now, and our desire to have our "us time" to travel, be together ourselves, continue our other passions more fully without more responsibilities, before having children.

 

As for naming, well, it's up to you two isn't it? Some people still do it, and I don't see why you shouldn't if you want to.

[randiandriien]

The "us" time and traveling is the only thing that I really see as a con to have kids as soon as we get married. I do want to go to NYC (what a great place!!) again and possibly Austrailia while we're still young

I understand what you're saying about cancer running in the family. Mine has a history of it and Riien has even had it. I'm very healthy and neither of us smoke or drink. So it's like you say, no matter what's in your family you have to take extra precautions to keep yourself as healthy as possible!

[RayKay]

The "us" time and traveling is the only thing that I really see as a con to have kids as soon as we get married. I do want to go to NYC (what a great place!!) again and possibly Austrailia while we're still young

I understand what you're saying about cancer running in the family. Mine has a history of it and Riien has even had it. I'm very healthy and neither of us smoke or drink. So it's like you say, no matter what's in your family you have to take extra precautions to keep yourself as healthy as possible!

 

Well, you can still travel, just requires more forethought and hmm...keeping kids entertained My parents hauled us along on lots and lots of vacations, we saw a lot of our country and the one South of us before we turned 18!

 

 

And bingo

 

Sounds like you are doing what feels right for you two, and that is what matters. Good luck!

[randiandriien]

Thanks RayKay! Sounds like you have know what you want to! Good luck with school...I think you said Law right?

[RayKay]

Thanks RayKay! Sounds like you have know what you want to! Good luck with school...I think you said Law right?

 

Yup, that's right.

 

And thanks! I am a bit nervous, I have been out of school for over 6 years now, but also very excited!

[randiandriien]

Once you get back into school it'll start to get back into it, it'll all come back! I was going to go to law school, I majored in poli sci and criminal justice! I decided being a lawyer WAS NOT FOR ME!!! lol