Should I be so worried?

[nsbguy32169]

My gf and I have been together for almost 3 years now and things have been great. Right now we're doing the long distance thing because I'm working in north Alabama and she's working in Georgia at a summer camp. Well, this weekend her and one of her friends supposedly invited all of the other counselors over to their apartments for an "end of camp" type party. The thing I'm worried about is that there are definitely a lot of guy counselors as well as girls and everyone will be drinking. I'm not worried about my gf cheating, but I am very worried about the many drunk guys that will be staying at our apartment and her friends apartment. My gf tends to get wasted after about 4 or 5 drinks and she's usually the first one drunk. She told me it's really annoying when I get worried about things like this because it's not "normal" and she's gonna be around people she knows. So I told her most rapes happen between a girl and a guy who know each other... So she told me, "It only happens between people who do know each other, but not very well." I called BS on that one, but she doesn't believe me. The thing is, she's only known these other people she works with for about 5 or 6 weeks, so I wouldn't even call that "knowing someone well." She never takes this rape business seriously. Her and her friend have gone running at 9pm on a 23,000-student-large college campus. She's definitely one of those girls who thinks, "This will never happen to me."

 

(EDIT~Sentence deleted. I was a little emotional when I typed it). I KNOW it wouldn't be her fault, but when you're so blind to the real world like that and don't take ANY precautions to prevent getting into situations where something can easily go wrong and then be ok with saying things like, "There's gonna be a lot of people, so they'll be sleeping everywhere"...

 

Yeah that makes me feel better... I'm still not saying it would be her fault, but to me I would feel a whole lot different after the fact, if she had taken some precautions as opposed to partying without a care in the world.

 

Personally I know I'm not over-reacting. It would be one thing if I didn't trust her, but I absolutely do, it's all the guys that she's only known for a month or so I don't trust staying in her apartment... drunk.

 

BTW, she's 5'7" and 115 lb, so it's not like she'd stand an inkling of a chance against an attacker.

[InHiding]

 

I really don't know if I could stay with her if she got raped. I KNOW it wouldn't be her fault, but when you're so blind to the real world like that and don't take ANY precautions to prevent getting into situations where something can easily go wrong and then be ok with saying things like, "There's gonna be a lot of people, so they'll be sleeping everywhere"...

 

 

 

What?!?! I can't believe I just read that. I understand your concerns, but she is a grown woman, correct?? She does and will always make her own decisions. I understand you are concerned for her, but maybe you should be more concerned about what your reaction would be.

 

I do think that every woman should be cautious, but it doesn't mean she should stop living her life! Parties are fun and yes, things could go wrong, but they could anywhere. I think you should back off of her and stop trying to act like her dad.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but that's just my humble opinion.

[nsbguy32169]

I feel she should be able to make her own decisions too, but this isn't the type of world where you can make them with total disregard for the consequences. Caution caution caution...

 

Alright, so I was a little emotional when I wrote that. I know, if it did happen I would be at her side as soon as I heard about it, regardless of what happened and be there whenever she needed me.

 

To me the best way to avoid a dangerous event like that is to avoid being in a situation that could fuel the fire...

 

Sometimes things are unavoidable, others you can take some precautions to at least help prevent them. Just because you can get in a car wreck anywhere, doesn't mean you should drive erratically and not wear a seat belt. Just because your house could catch on fire from anything doesn't mean you should leave a gas oven on while you run errands. Just because you can get raped anywhere doesn't mean you should invite random guys over to your apartment to get drunk with and who will ALL be staying in your apartment.

 

I have thought of what my reaction would be. I would feel devistated. I would feel like it's all my fault for not being able to do something and not being there to stop it. I would feel angry and vengeful for whoever did it. It goes on and on...

[InHiding]

I feel she should be able to make her own decisions too, but this isn't the type of world where you can make them with total disregard for the consequences. Caution caution caution...

 

Alright, so I was a little emotional when I wrote that. I know, if it did happen I would be at her side as soon as I heard about it, regardless of what happened.

 

That's understandable then. As a woman, I am CONSTANTLY aware of what goes on around me. I know I am a target for that sort of thing (long hair, blond, small build...some characteristics just make girls seem "weaker" and easier to overcome). My mom made me watch one too many Oprah shows on that sort of thing. But I think you have done what you can do...you let her know that it does happen. It's up to her what she wants to do after that.

 

I think hosting a party is okay and she shouldn't miss out on those things out of fear. There will be people around, and I know this isn't fool-proof, but at least she's not going to a party with a bunch of people she's just meeting and getting wasted at their place. Yes, things could go wrong. But you can't always protect her.

[nsbguy32169]

I would probably be ok with the idea of her hosting a party if most of the people were planning on going home at the end of the night, but everyone is crashing at our place and her friends place

[shorty20]

so if everyone goes home at the end of the night after they've been drinking, then they're drinking and driving. DUI's all around, not to mention if they actually hit something or someone... where's the precaution there? To me, it sounds like you are a bit controlling. I understand your concerns and how you dont' think you can trust the world... of course you can't, but that dosen't mean you have to live in a plastic bubble and protect yourself from anything that could possibly happen. She's having a harmless party to end the summer... you need to trust your gf and her friends that are girls enough to not put her in a situation in a room alone with a guy or something. Whenever I party, there are guys there... when I throw parties I make it welcome for whoever wants to stay becuase I"d rather have them crash then drive... as long as she's not having guys stay in her bed with her I think you need to back off and give her a little room...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not so sure if it is really "rape" you are worried about or the inhibitions which get loosened up when some people have too much to drink. Too many times I have seen written on these boards..."I got drunk and one thing led to another and we had sex". Having sex is a conscious decision even if you have had too much to drink. Does your girlfriend get really flirty when she has too much to drink? Is that what you are really worried about? Do not only blame the fact that the guys will be there and they may "rape" her, she has to make the conscious decision of what she herself will do. Will she get very flirty and things will progress and she will allow it to progress. If both a man and a woman are drunk and they have sex and then the woman regrets it afterwards, she can't call it rape because she was drunk and the guy took advantage...because he was equally drunk. If she is not to be held responsible for her actions because she is drunk, then why should the man be held responsible for his actions if he too was drunk?

 

The bottom line is that you have no control over how your girlfriend will behave, how much she will drink and how far she may or may not get carried away as a result. It is up to her to make decisions about how much she wants to drink, and if you don't like her decisions then you have the option to leave the relationship. You can't dictate how she should conduct herself. Sometimes people have to make mistakes before they learn.

[nsbguy32169]

I already said, I'm not worried about my gf cheating. She's been drunk a few times around ex's and each time they've tried to make a move, she pushes them away and tells them to stop, but women have been raped with others were right next to them. I've watched, read, seen too many stories about rape to be able to shrug this off as just another party. I am very protective of her, but I know I can't control someone. I have never tried to stop her from hanging out with anyone, including one of her ex's who she ended up cheating on me with (she was sober). To me that's not a reason to try and control her because that would just push her away even more if I didn't trust her enough to do what she wants.

[InHiding]

To me that's not a reason to try and control her because that would just push her away even more if I didn't trust her enough to do what she wants.

 

Well now you aren't trusting her with something that could maybe happen that she wouldn't be able to control?? That doesn't make any sense.

 

You trust her when she cheats on you when she's sober? And it's hosting a party that worries you...?

[nsbguy32169]

Well now you aren't trusting her with something that could maybe happen that she wouldn't be able to control?? That doesn't make any sense.

That was regarding the query about her cheating on me when she's drunk. She cheated on me 1.5 years ago. I got over it and it took a long time to build my trust up again.

 

You trust her when she cheats on you when she's sober? And it's hosting a party that worries you...?

No, I couldn't trust her for a very long time after that happened. I trust her greatly now, I don't and will never trust the average guy.

[RayKay]

I don't and will never trust the average guy.

 

Well, I would suggest the "average guy" would know when to back off if someone makes it clear they are NOT interested. Even if they did not back off, the "average guy" won't "force" her into a situation.

 

If you truly trust her, you should trust her enough to know the boundaries, limits and how to protect herself. If someone is getting "too far" she has recourses such as not being alone with them, telling friends not to leave her alone with them, not drinking, and so on. I have been approached many times in and out of a relationship, and I never lose my capacity to control my choices and decisions.

 

I really hate that term "I trust you...I just don't trust them" because ulitimately whether or not "they" are trustworthy or not, if SHE is that is what matters.

 

I think rape is an entirely different situation to this, and while as women we do need to be cautious, we cannot live in fear of thinking any man we talk to is going to rape us either. And so in that same vein, you cannot control her actions by manipulating that risk and fear. She can be cautious and aware, but still choose to live her life as she does ultimately.

[nsbguy32169]

so if everyone goes home at the end of the night after they've been drinking, then they're drinking and driving. DUI's all around, not to mention if they actually hit something or someone... where's the precaution there?

By "everyone going home" I automatically conclude that most people would be smart enough to have a DD or at least get a ride home, but I guess that's just my optimistic view of humanity coming out...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not every guy is out to "rape" women even at a party. Not every guy just wants to get laid. I know you said that you are over what happened with your girlfriend cheating on you, but sometimes the subconscious just doesn't forget past hurts and it comes out in other ways. Your overwhelming distrust of the "average guy" could perhaps be your subconscious never quite forgetting the fact that your girlfriend cheated on you. Just a thought.

[nsbguy32169]

I'm not necessarily saying the average guy is willing to commit rape. I'm saying a rapist usually looks and acts like an average guy.

[nsbguy32169]

Not every guy is out to "rape" women even at a party. Not every guy just wants to get laid. I know you said that you are over what happened with your girlfriend cheating on you, but sometimes the subconscious just doesn't forget past hurts and it comes out in other ways. Your overwhelming distrust of the "average guy" could perhaps be your subconscious never quite forgetting the fact that your girlfriend cheated on you. Just a thought.

 

It's a good thought and probably true, partially. I didn't trust her ex before they started hanging out, but I didn't say much because I had seen more than a few relationships turn into free-for-alls as a result of one of them trying to control the other in regards to who they hung out with. She always reassured me that there were no feelings between them anymore and nothing would ever happen... but like I said, I got passed it and I trust her now.

[kellbell]

Can't you attend the party?

 

Have you both had non-threatening conversations with her about this? Have you voiced your concerns about her safety?

[nsbguy32169]

I live and work about 220 miles from our apartment right now... I'm volunteering at a hospitality house this weekend so there's no way I can get down there.

 

We had a non-threatening convo about an hour ago. I told her I was worried that something bad might happen to her if she's inviting all these people into our apartment to get drunk and stay the night. She told me not to worry and it's not a big deal because she knows everyone... so on and so forth

[kellbell]

Then there is nothing you can do at this point that will not make you look like a control freak. She has reassured you things will be okay and that she knows everyone. You have to take her word for it and give her credit that she is capable of taking care of herself.

[shorty20]

By "everyone going home" I automatically conclude that most people would be smart enough to have a DD or at least get a ride home, but I guess that's just my optimistic view of humanity coming out...

 

where's your "optomistic view of humanity" when it comes to your g/f having a little get together with some friends? And even if they did go home at the end of the night I don't understand how that would make any difference... she could still potentially get raped while they are there... especially when alcohol is involved... bottom line is that you are over-reacting and if I were your gf I would tell you that I already have a father, I dont' need another one.

[nsbguy32169]

where's your "optomistic view of humanity" when it comes to your g/f having a little get together with some friends?

 

It doesn't come out very often, that was one time it did.

 

bottom line is that you are over-reacting and if I were your gf I would tell you that I already have a father, I dont' need another one.

 

Lol, well put. I do feel better about the situation now. I guess it wouldn't come as a surprise that she's told me similar things before. Thanks everyone for your comments, it helped knock some sense into me.