bring on the chocolate, because that was hard.

[joyce1412]

i met my ex today. it was the first time we'd seen each other in three months.

 

i called him about meeting up a couple weeks ago because he had done some things that i couldn't stand not addressing. i felt i needed to get my feelings off my chest to move on, and see him in person to bid the relationship a final goodbye.

 

i was not expecting how kind he would be. he apologized for what i wanted him to apologize for, and though we didn't see eye-to-eye on some things (for example, he'd mentioned that he wanted to leave any contact up to me and that's why he wasn't calling, while i felt he should have been the one to call me to smooth things over) i was okay with it all.

 

we talked for a really long time, about everything that had been going on since we split. he talked about his job and traveling extensively, every last detail. i talked about my job and family as well, but mostly listened to him. i wasn't expecting that. i thought for sure he'd come into the coffee shop and want to get right down to business. i never expected us to actually have a nice conversation.

 

there were some emotional parts. i was angry that he had invited my best friend to one of his shows and not me. he apologized for it, and not that i let him off the hook for it, but he said he invited her as "a substitute" for me because we weren't talking. still, he said he would never do it again, and was sorry he hurt me.

 

i told him about the new exhibit at the gallery i'm working at, and said he would like it...and immediately winced in my head. i talked about the show for a little bit, and then he asked when he could come by, and i told him when it was open, and he said, "no, when do YOU work?" i must have looked like a deer in headlights...but i told him. so it sounds like he's making time to come by tomorrow. he also invited me to his show on thursday, and i was mysterious about it (said i'd think about it, but also that a friend had invited me to see another show on that night). i can't go, it would be too hard, but i couldn't tell him that.

 

as we were leaving he held out his arms for a hug, and said "are we cool?" i said of course. and he hugged me for a long time and said, "i miss you." before i could stop myself "i miss you too" slipped out. sigh. it was a force of habit. i'm so used to being affectionate with him that i almost leaned in for a kiss! fortunately, i stopped myself. i said that it was good to see him, and we both said our goodbyes.

 

i'm glad i did this. but don't get me wrong, i came home and bawled my eyes out. i know where i stand with him, yet i don't. he doesn't hate me, but how exactly DOES he feel about me?

 

i'm so confused. i'm still in love with him. i don't want to be friendzoned, but i don't want to scare him off if he still feels something for me.

[Phoenix69]

If he still feels something for you, you will soon know it...

See if he comes into your work like he said he would. Go from there. If he is really still interested he will do as he says. If he doesn't feel those things, he won't do jack. Then it is time for complete NC.

Just see how things play out. Your heart will tell you which way you should go. Even if its not what you want to hear...

[joyce1412]

thanks for your advice. i will proceed very tentatively.

[Süsser Tod]

Hmmm...

 

 

Not good, from what I read on your post, If I were him, I would have felt lead on by you. And he would like a second chance, he has feelings for you, the " he would never do it again," gives it away. How can he do it again if you are not together? If that isn't enough, "i miss you.", to reply with another I miss you, that was bad.

 

He is making time to go see you, not your exhibit.

 

And that "(said i'd think about it" plus the "I miss you too" look to me like you leading him to believe there is a chance.

 

Next Thursday there will be a sad man.

[Belle]

Joyce,

 

I don't get the feeling that this was a real closure meeting for you. I think it was a way to gauge how he feels about you. I think you're entering into dangerous territory, and that you may be disappointed with the outcome. Having endured a setback from seeing my ex over the course of a month, I can tell you that mixed messages are a huge part of going back.

 

Please be careful. This could get rocky.

[need2bme]

I too agree that it may not have been closure, because this is the same thing that happened to me. I posted to you about it. I think he still has feelings for you, as well.

 

Where I disagree with the other posters, is about you leading him on. What I mean is, those things do slip out. My GF hugged me and told me it was good to have me home. She even kissed me. She called a couple of time to see if I was ok. On her last message, she slipped up and said, "I love you".

 

Those things happen. I am glad (mostly) to be in a different state now. If I was there, I know I would not heal and she would not either. If we ever got back together, we would need to make sure it was because we loved one another and not because we were used to each other.

 

All that said; do you know what you want to do, in case it is correct that he may be looking for another shot?

[brickchamp]

Wow, joyce. You called MY tale triumphant? I have nothing on you. You two actually sat down and had a nice, civil conversation? He apologized to you too....something I would really like to hear. Since you still love him, I feel good for you....because it sounds like he still cares for you too. I know it may not be the smart thing to do, to start seeing him again, but you need to do what makes you happy. In my case it would be incredibly stupid to get back together with my ex, but I can't lie, I'd be ecstatic if he wanted me back, even though I know I'd end up back at square one when he got tired of me again. I'm just so happy for you...that it went as well as it did. It wasn't a disaster. But how do YOU feel, and more importantly, did you get your chocolate? I hope you did...you deserve some Godiva!

[joyce1412]

Hmmm...

 

 

Not good, from what I read on your post, If I were him, I would have felt lead on by you. And he would like a second chance, he has feelings for you, the " he would never do it again," gives it away. How can he do it again if you are not together? If that isn't enough, "i miss you.", to reply with another I miss you, that was bad.

 

He is making time to go see you, not your exhibit.

 

And that "(said i'd think about it" plus the "I miss you too" look to me like you leading him to believe there is a chance.

 

Next Thursday there will be a sad man.

 

hey hey hey...i am not leading him on AT ALL. i would honestly like to get back together, and i truly miss him.

 

i agree, it wasn't a closure meeting per se, but if things had to end that way i'm glad we had that final meeting instead of our breakup conversation being our last words.

 

i agree this is uncertain territory that i am in now. THIS is why i replied with, "i'll think about it." i don't think i should wholeheartedly jump into participating in his life. i need to take this slow to make sure he isn't friendzoning me, or weaning himself off me slowly. i didn't feel like i was in the right place emotionally to make that decision right then, and i made it clear that i had OTHER PLANS that night anyway. my duty is to myself, to protect my heart.

 

this is the man who broke my heart three months ago. i am NOT leading HIM on. if anything, the possibilities are greater that it is the other way around.

[joyce1412]

you're right, it wasn't a disaster. it went a lot better than i expected. it was a relief to see that we still value and like each other. i was feeling really badly, like i had thrown away a year and a half of my life on someone whom i couldn't respect, and didn't respect me. but i didn't.

 

i hate the expression "everything happens for a reason," so i'll go for a different platitude: if we're meant to be, we will be. if not, it means i'm meant for someone else. i'm scared about the future, but i gave it my best shot with this man, and if it doesn't work out at least i know i gave it my all.

 

and yes...i treated myself to several handfuls of milk chocolate raisins. thanks for asking, i really appreciate your support brickchamp!

 

 

 

thanks for that. i know, i was prepared for it to be a closure meeting, but i can't lie, i was also interested in seeing how he felt about me. i didn't get the benefit of having the breakup in person, so i thought this would somehow give me my answers...one way or another. whether he hated me or loved me, i just had to see. was it masochistic? sure. did it give me answers? sure, while creating a lot of questions, too. but i just felt i HAD to do this, and couldn't let go without doing it.

 

i know it's going to suck if nothing comes of it, but i think i'm just one of those people who has to try everything to make something work before i can accept failure. if this doesn't work out then i know i have to back away for good.

 

thanks for everyone's comments.

[brickchamp]

and yes...i treated myself to several handfuls of milk chocolate raisins. thanks for asking, i really appreciate your support brickchamp!

 

Hey, it's the least I can do! You've had my back too! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed some chocolate raisins! That sounds good. I wish I had some right now! They would go nicely with the half a bag of potato chips I just ate! ha I couldn't eat all weekend with HIM being around, but I made up for it today. Well, continue to keep us up-to-date. It sounds like things are looking up for you. You sound good.

[Süsser Tod]

hey hey hey...i am not leading him on AT ALL. i would honestly like to get back together, and i truly miss him.

 

i agree, it wasn't a closure meeting per se, but if things had to end that way i'm glad we had that final meeting instead of our breakup conversation being our last words.

 

Well, you gave him every sign that it wasn't the last meeting.

[joyce1412]

well, i am starting to hope it was not our last meeting, though if it was i will have to learn to be fine with it.

 

i go to work in a few hours, we'll see if he makes an appearance...

[joyce1412]

sigh. he didn't come, but i got off work over an hour ahead of schedule. i don't know if that means anything, though. i sent him a text to let him know that i was taking off and haven't heard back yet...that was thirty minutes ago. UGH.

[joyce1412]

got a text message from him:

 

"thanks for letting me know. i didn't have time to come by.

 

what can i say...i'm disappointed. yesterday i was starting to feel truly optimistic about us getting back together for the first time since the breakup.

 

he might still ask about the show, but if he does i'll just tell him i can't back out of my plans for tomorrow. if he doesn't ask i might just send a message anyway for politeness' sake...i guess.

 

maybe he just asked about coming by my work and inviting me to the show because he thought i was pushing for them...

 

if he really wanted me, he would be trying harder than this.

 

 

[brickchamp]

Joyce, I feel so disappointed for you. I know you were feeling cautiously optimistic. I was hoping against the odds that one of our guys would actually DO what we hoped for. I know how you feel....this is exactly the kind of behavior I got from my ex. He was always too busy to make time to see me, when I would've dropped almost ANYTHING to see him. And you know how he ignored me this weekend. At least he did text you back though....It wasn't a great text, I mean, he didn't have time to come by? Gee thanks. But he's probably clueless that it would hurt your feelings. They are such idiots!! But I honestly didn't think it sounded like you pushed for him to come by when you guys met, and I don't think he would've invited you to the show if he didn't really want you to come. Are you going to wait and see if he mentions the show before you text him, so you'll see if he does have any intention of TRYING?

[joyce1412]

hey girl. boo. i knew he would be busy today, and he's only in town until tomorrow before he hits the road for another month. but yesterday he seemed to have loosely outlined a time when he could come by. i'm pretty sure that in the hours he could have come by he was shopping...in which case, he could have arranged it to be able to get here. he could have chosen me over a pair of pants.

 

i'm assuming he is ambivalent about wanting to see me, and i think that probably includes seeing me at his show. the invitation might have been more for my benefit than his. i would rather err on the side of being too unavailable than too available because he hasn't given me enough yet. he used to say that at every show he played, no matter what city or state he was in, he would always be looking for my face in the crowd. so i believe i should be noticeably absent for this one, to "let him miss me," and only send a text politely declining if he asks me again.

 

he's a REALLY smart man...i think he knows that IF he wants me back he must do the legwork. and he's probably smart enough to know what coming by my gallery meant, as well as what REJECTING the opportunity meant.

 

unless i get a dozen roses on my front porch tomorrow with a note asking me to the show...i think i'll be skipping it. even though i would love more than anything to go and have it be just like old times.

 

thanks again for all your thoughts!

[brickchamp]

He seems ambivalent, yes, and that's the worst. That's what bothers me about my ex...how he seems so indifferent to me. But YES! Let him miss you. That's what I did for awhile.....I don't know if it worked though....have you read the thread about "Absense & Desire?" Let me go look for it...not that you really need to read it, you seem to grasp the concept already. But I read it over and over for a few days to keep me away from mine. And as you know I just saw him for the first time in a month. When you withdraw something from the market, it's value goes up!

[brickchamp]

[jenny_mcs]

Joyce-

 

I'm so sorry, sweetie! ((hugs))

[joyce1412]

i had a long talk with my brother tonight. he was brutally honest with me. he thinks that with my ex, the breakup is permanent in his mind, and if he wanted to get back together with me he would do it now because he knows he can have me. and he's not. he hasn't. and he said those things to me just to throw me a bone, just to be "nice" with no intent behind them.

 

i think i'm saying goodbye. i can't stop crying. i feel like he's made me a fool. i feel like he played with me, and i let him. but if this is what i need to accept the final end, so be it. but it was a hard way to go about it.

 

he knows what he had with me, and he knows he loved me and i loved him, and he's throwing it away. i just never feel any better about it. he's willing to toss me aside. he's done with me.

 

the cold, hard truth of the breakup has never hit me harder than now. and i really thought he was "the one." but he let me go, and he saw me again three months after letting me go, and it still wasn't enough to bring him back. and so it is. i've never felt more alone.

 

everyone told me to be careful. even careful doesn't do it sometimes. i don't know what i wish i had done instead, i think i would have always wondered what would have happened if i hadn't done it. maybe this will get me through the pain to acceptance faster. i sure hope so.

[Belle]

I'm sorry sweetie. I know it hurts right now. The best thing is to go no contact. I've realized that unless you hear "I made a mistake I want you back" that I have to keep moving and realize that whatever mixed messages are sent are just bologna.

 

Chin up. This is just moving you towards something better. There's a good book for it called It's called a breakup because it's broken. Kind of funny.

 

I hope you feel better.

[joyce1412]

i'm definitely going NC. i woke up this morning feeling TERRIBLE. had a chat with my mom and she explained his behavior as "he needs to keep you reeled in to feel good about himself. he wants to have someone there even if he's not interested."

 

it's so horrible. i can't believe someone who loved me at one time would do this. and i can't believe i loved this person back, and thought he was so amazing and good.

 

he doesn't want me back. he had a chance and completely let it pass him by, because he doesn't want me back. total NC from now on. i can't let myself get hurt any more than this breakup has already hurt me.

[Roxari]

Joyce I feel your pain. Being friends with him or having any contact with him helps him to feel better about breaking your heart. If you are not angry or crying and fighting with him then he doesn't have to feel "bad".

 

We can all fall victim to having just one moment of something to take the pain away, but in reality it just hurts twice as bad when that good feeling goes away.

 

Keep your head up and stay strong.

[joyce1412]

HA! i just got a text message from him.

 

"if you can come tonight let me know. i'll bring some music for you and put you on the list."

 

he's referring to these songs he has by a musician i love. he's luring me there with false promises and music i can't resist! i can't believe him!

 

i'm not going to respond to this message at all. i take it you all would say this is the correct move?

[joyce1412]

PS--thanks belle and roxari, i truly appreciate your words, and appreciate that they aren't giving me any false hopes. this is the first time i've ever been thankful for someone giving me the harsh truth about him.