SO Scared

[brickchamp]

Okay, it's now just two days until I have to see the guy who totally broke me.....I have had no contact with him since he ended it in a text three weeks ago. I am soooooooo scared. I was feeling really tough, and thought I was as ready as I could be, and prepared. But as it gets closer, and I think of the day he ended it....I literally feel like I'm getting an ulcer, my stomach hurts so bad. What I dread is the first moment I see him. I am so ashamed....that day, I let him know how much he hurt me, and I feel so WEAK. Not only do I miss him and love him, I feel like he got the best of me....I became desperate to hang onto him. I don't know how to hold my head high after all that. I don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend, having to see him so much. It's going to be hell!

[Phoenix69]

Remember, we resolved this! Your are gorgeous and you are going be to make him wish he was back with you! You have your outfit! You have your power msic! You can do this!!

 

 

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't feel ashamed. He should feel ashamed for the way he treated you. It is not shameful to love someone and feel panic and grief as they slip away from you. When you see him, hold your head up high because you are an amazing person capable of love. You are better than him and have nothing to feel ashamed of.

[Entomon]

I'd be scared too! I haven't seen my ex in over two months and I haven't talked to him in a month. If he was to call wanting to see me again (wishful thinking), I'd die.

 

But be strong and hold your composure. The last thing you want is him to see you're still hurt from the break up. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Good luck and come back to update us.

[brickchamp]

Whew, phoenix, thanks for bringing me back to earth, you're awesome! I was spazzing out again! haha Okay, look gorgeous - check, outfit - check, POWER music - check! I CAN DO THIS! Crazyaboutdogs...thank you for putting it that way. I don't know why I put him on a pedestal after he treat me like dirt. You're right! This is what I will repeat to myself...that I shouldn't be ashamed, HE should! Why is that so hard to see when one is the dumpee? You are both so sweet and kind, and I feel better already. Thanks!!

[ladyj]

brickchamp: you're an amazing individual and you deserve way better.

 

Last night while picking up my things from ex house, he tried to put me down and made smart remarks. I simply listened and kept my composure. He was annoyed and pissed off, but he thought he was going to get a rise out of me and it didn't happen.

 

You cannot imagine how strong you really are until you're infront of the person. Watch when you see him you will get the strength you need to get threw it all.

 

One step at a time...when the time comes look your best and act as if you are doing fabulous without him.

[brando]

What are you scared of? Look at what it is that is making you scared, the thoughts the feelings those thoughts conjure up, and then feel them, and then ask yourself if you really believe those thoughts. I mean truly believe the thoughts going through your mind.

 

The way you reacted is in the past. Us dumpees seem to give our dumpers incredible power. So try not to. Think about all the things of which make you feel good about yourself, and focus on them... and believe them... keep these thoughts fresh when you meet him. Smile, and act as if. Fake it till you make it.

[joyce1412]

Last night while picking up my things from ex house, he tried to put me down and made smart remarks. I simply listened and kept my composure. He was annoyed and pissed off, but he thought he was going to get a rise out of me and it didn't happen.

 

ladyj, good for you!!!

 

brickchamp, if you're really that freaked out, you can totally NOT GO to this party or whatever it is. you could make up some fabulous plans with someone else--or, better yet, MAKE fabulous plans with someone else and actually do them--and skip out. if it hurts you so much, it simply isn't worth it.

 

i made an appearance at an old ex's party a couple weeks after he totally cut me off without explanation, as yours did. not only did he freak out, he refused to speak to me. it was embarrassing for all. now your ex probably knows that you're coming, i made a sneak attack myself. but your ex is like mine, simply cut you off, so he's already shown you that he wants to avoid you at all cost.

 

if you have good reason to believe it could honestly blow up in your face, save yourself from the heartache and face him when you're ready. this same ex i speak of saw me about seven months after this when i showed up to his cousin's house (we're best friends) at thanksgiving. i didn't stress about having on a fabulous outfit, i tried not to stress at all, really. i showed up, was polite and made nice with everyone, including the jerk. a month later, he was knocking on my door, telling me what an idiot he was.

 

point is, i was ready to see him then. i had zero expectations, but i kind of knew it would have an effect on him. and i wasn't relying on the smoke and mirrors of nice makeup and clothes, i simply felt good inside and had my strut back. clearly, he could tell.

 

you can see him now, but you can also wait on it and no one, NO ONE, would fault you for it, and you might just be glad you waited. your call, girl! good luck!

[brickchamp]

I wish I could get out of it...seriously! I think everyone assumes we're inventing reasons to see an ex. This is a work related event. I have skipped out the last two weekends, and I just CAN'T make another excuse this weekend. And I'm fearing the worst. A total brush off, because that's what scaredy cats do right?. They break up in texts, and are too wussy to face you in person. So I don't expect anything wonderful. It's definitely going to SUCK! Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. I feel my strength building back up...hope it doesn't crumble at first sight of the jerk!

[brickchamp]

ladyj, brando, joyce...I can't thank you guys enough for the kind words of encouragement! Each one of you gave me another way I can look at my situation. Choose to be scared, and postpone the meeting, or still be scared, but go and get it over with. I love to hear that I won't realize just how strong I can be until I'm actaully faced with him. That's the way to go. Show him I'm still living my life, a GOOD life and that if he didn't need me, I sure don't need him. I'm going to show class even though he dumped me in about the least classy way possible.

[mystik]

Hey, yes I seem to remember your earlier post....these guys are right, you just have execute "the plan" now

 

Remember what I said...even if you don't FEEL good, at least ACT and LOOK it! Then even if you feel utterly miserable during or afterwards, at least you get the satisfaction of him not KNOWING that you were upset. And don't worry if you do relapse, you just have to keep on trying. I was forced to see my ex a few times and each time I felt differently. Sometimes it was horrible and I felt like I just got dumped again. Other times, I just had a numb/neutral feeling. But guess what, I tried again and again to just look my best and feel my best. Let him see what he's missing out. Not to get him back, but for my own satisfaction (and trust me, it feels GOOD even if nothing else does...sigh lol). And guess what? I'm okay now!! And I thought I would NEVER EVER be.

 

It just gets better each time, you learn to deal with it. My break up happened in February and I saw and hung out with him and just one other person the other day for the first time....and I was okay. There were some awkward moments when we made eye contact for too long but basically it was fine. And I do feel good knowing that I came out of it the better person. I was absolutely frightened the first time too...it lessens with time. I was still scared before I saw him last weekend because it would be the first time with just me him and one other person. I was so scared that my getting over it would come undone but, it didn't.

 

From your posts that I've read, you'll be fine. You remind me of myself. Don't be afraid to feel crappy. It happens to the best of us. Just know that it won't last!!

[friscodj]

I too would be scared witless as well. The fear is consuming you now, this is good. Live with it for another few days and let it rule your life. Be its prisoner.

 

Why? Because when this is all over in a few days, I have a strong feeling you will feel an indescribable relief because of this mounting fear. You will realize this guy and this whole situation gives no basis to be this afraid! The phrase what was I THINKING? comes to mind. You will see and absorb for yourself that this worry, fear, and apprehension is baseless and you won't feel this way again about this guy or this situation. In 3-4 days, this overly stigmatized scenario of seeing him will pass no matter what you do or feel and you will be fine no matter what happens.

 

In that sense, I really think this weekend will set you free from this fear and bring you one giant leap closer to the promised land of healing for you...

[brickchamp]

Well mystik, if I remind you of you, I feel honored! It's kinda fun to talk about "the plan," but I have to be realistic too. But all of you are right about one thing: don't let him know I'm upset. Seems simple. I wear my emotions pretty outwardly so that may be tough.....but I can be a good actress too. I'm glad it's okay to feel crappy, since that's my only state of existence these days! And it won't last? YAY! Can't wait for that day! Thanks friends!

[friscodj]

But all of you are right about one thing: don't let him know I'm upset.

 

Take this idea one step further and don't show him anything. You're there but you aren't. He's there but he's not. You're both different now. You're two professionals at a business function...that's all...

 

Perhaps this perspective might help you in some way. Look at this situation as practice. You are there practicing the handy skill of keeping people you don't want in your life out of it and separating professional and personal issues. In this way, if you care to use for an example the practice a boxer would do, your ex goes from being an "ex" to a "punching bag"...

[joyce1412]

i agree with frisco, don't show anything. i hope this doesn't compound your nervousness, but listen...this is the guy who used to see you naked on a regular basis. he knows if you're not acting natural...unfortunately. so don't give him anything that lets him know where you stand or how you feel. it will frustrate the sh*t out of him!

[brando]

brickchamp,

 

Good for you, that's the attitude to have. Remember Face the Fear and Do It Anyway...great book by the way....

 

 

be well

[HangingInThere]

well i am supposed to meet up with ex tonight to return eachother stuff...and i can't make it!

 

I had plans to go out with some friends tonight and he wants and insisted on meeting @ 7pm sharp...i said okay a few days ago.....after i compromise my schedule and he knows this.

 

but now i realized that why should i compromise anymore...i am in no way anger or resentful towards him or the the relationship we once had...but i have to leave work at 5pm, get home @ 6pm, get dress for the night out and still try to meet him at 7pm...get the f outta here......

 

so if he calls or emails me to confirm - i would politely tell him we should reschedule for some time next week or if he can do it later than 7pm.

 

he is going to be piss becuz knowing him, he is going to think he lost control once again...or am not as anxious to see him like i was earlier in the week!

 

oh well!

[joyce1412]

did you make the plans to return each other's stuff before you made the plans to go out with your girlfriends? if so, the classy thing to do would be to keep your appointment with him. i know he's not your favorite person right now, but be fair.

[brickchamp]

Well, I lived. Saturday night as I was alone and miserable in my hotel room, and I saw him out in the lobby laughing it up with his buddies, I didn't think I would survive. I didn't eat or sleep all weekend. Anyway, about 9 pm Saturday, I decided ENOUGH. I called a friend in town, and she came to the hotel, and we had a blast. Sunday, I was feeling a little better. He was becoming less and less appealing to me. Here's how it went down: When we first saw each other Friday, he barely looked at me. At one point, he was with a group of people laughing, etc, and as soon as I starting walking over there, he abruptly turned around and went inside without so much as looking at me. Beginning Saturday, I started noticing he was sneaking glances at me....more and more by Sunday. But not one word or aknowledgement of any sort was received ALL WEEKEND. And to think, I get to go through this again THIS WEEKEND. Yay. I'm hoping it will be easier though. At least the first meeting after the breakup is over...I guess I should never expect any kind of apology or closure from this @#$%^&*! Oh well!

[friscodj]

Well, not so bad, right? Maybe one more weekend of this and you'll realize more succinctly how immature this guy is and how better off you are now!

 

For what it's worth, I say he's scared too. That would explain the noticeable laughter and lack of direct communication I think...

 

But we don't care about that, as he is getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror...

[joyce1412]

ugh, i don't even know this guy and i hate him!!!

 

you had some moments of feeling low, but it sounds like you did well overall. i think you would have been open to talking to him if the situation arose, and he clearly was NOT open to it. that speaks to your strength of character and his weakness of character/general cowardliness.

 

as the dumpee, you probably feel like you're at a disadvantage...your ex has decided he wants to move on, while you're still mourning and feeling rejected. but trust me, the fact that you could have stood up to him and he could not stand up to you means WAAAY more than any of that. he can't even bring himself to face you...YOU! a harmless, sweet young girl! now, doesn't that make you feel good that you strike fear in the heart of this man?

 

snaps to you, brickchamp.

 

p.s. i think i mentioned this earlier, but i had a similar situation and subsequent confrontation with a guy once. he later admitted that he was scared out of his mind, shaking like a little girl when i was out of sight. i'd be willing to bet on what this guy was likely going through in private moments...

[brickchamp]

joyce, you're awesome. Thanks for hating him on my behalf! ha Trust me, he's earned it! Yeah, the first couple of days were pure hell because I didn't know what to do. Yes, I would have loved to have talked to him, but when he ended it in the text that day, apparently he planned to NEVER talk to me again. He's sticking to that. I did see him as a coward for sure, the way he avoided me, so I had that. You mentioned your similar situation....I have a feeling this guy was very nervous. He's really good at acting cool. It was so hard to be totally ignored by the person who "loved" me. After that first awkward day, I noticed he was stealing more looks, and by Sunday, he was back to full on stares like back before we got together. But still no talking. What a weird situation. I hope this weekend will be easier....surely it won't be worse, but who knows with these crazy, mixed up relationships! Thanks joyce....and frisco too!

[joyce1412]

the stares mean he is JEAL-OUS. that or he was wondering how you were holding it together so well.

 

i doubt you've heard the last from this guy. i feel like these guys always come back for round 2 (or 5, or 2349834). they don't let sleeping dogs lie, especially if they feel like that sleeping dog is doing better without them. i know my guy did, at a point when i could barely be motivated to care anymore. you think they'll stay away because of pure pride and ego, but ohhh no. i don't mean to imply that he's definitely going to want you back, but they usually feel this burning need to check in somehow, sometimes to see if you still want them...little bastards.

 

things can only go uphill from here!

 

me, i'm meeting my ex in about an hour...we'll be seeing each other for the first time in three months. i imagine i will have a tale to tell, though perhaps not as triumphant as yours.

[brickchamp]

Hmm, well, I don't know that my story was a very triumphant one...but it could have been worse. We'll see what happens this weekend. Things definitely got more interesting as this past weekend progressed. I was getting a lot of male attention, thanks to the killer outfits, etc. ha So maybe he was jealous, maybe not. I can't wait to hear how your meeting goes..or went I guess. This was the first time I saw him in a month. For you it's been three? Well, it's already happened and I hope it went well. I'll check the board to see if you posted YOUR tale. Going to look now!

[joyce1412]

hehe. looks like you'll be breaking out more hot outfits next weekend! and don't hesitate to flirt back with those men. grrrrrowl!