ultimate love, now heart broken, how did this happen??

[explayer]

Before I met L, I was rotating betwen dating 4 different women. When I met L, I liked her so much, that I just wanted more of her love...so she told me that if I wanted more, I'd need to give her a higher level of commitment. I dumped all 4 girls and became exclusive with L that first week.

 

1 month passed, and it was the greatest time of both our lives. I was more attracted to her than that the last 100 girls I've dated this year, and we were more compatible than any of my previous LTR's.

 

I'm the kinda guy who planned on being single my whole life, never settling down with 1 woman for more than few years...I always believed the old adage "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

Well L changed all of that. After this amazing first month, spending every day together, I felt confient that I could spend the rest of my life with this amazing woman, and be so attracted and compatible that I'd never need to look at another woman again.

 

The amount of women I've dated in my life is not normal. I'm 28, I have my act together, and I've had every flavor of beautiful woman imaginable. So, I'm at a place in my life where I know exactly what I want, and that was L.

 

So she loves me more than anyone before in her life, we have earth shattering sex, but she's ending the love we have because:

 

1. School. She's going away to school for a very challenging PhD program, and says that if I go there with her, there's a good chance she will fail out of it. (since she thinks about me non-stop)

 

2. Her family. They've been putting pressure on her to spend less time with me, and focus her energy on preparing for school.

 

3. Things moved fast. We became exclusive after a week, and within the month we were having conversations about engagement. I can understand this scared her. She's 24, and never imagined she'd be able to make such a comitment before finishing school.

 

I've given her space, and haven't contacted her for 2 days.

 

She left things off telling me that "just friends" would be best. I send her an SMS saying, "Whenever you're ready, my love is here. Always."

 

I went on a date today, but my heart just isn't in it. I am crushed, and have been feeling sick all day.

 

She's miserable too, but she's insitant upon going through with this, thinking that if it's meant to be, we'll get back together after her toughest 1st year at school. I obviously don't share that optimisitc sentiment.

 

I just can't comprehend how she is able to separate emotion and logic like this. Yeah, logically me and her really serious at this point in her life is probably a conflict of career/future lifestyle interest for her. But emotionally, she is killing the best thing we've ever had, and emotion is very important to overall happiness.

 

I feel horrible, and other perspectives would be great. How can she do this??? Am I doing the right thing by backing off and doing NC while our foundation erodes day by day??

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

wow. sounds like the shoe is on the other foot now. I just went out a few weeks ago with a man that told me that he was dating 4 other women at the same time. it didn't make me feel good to know that we were being rotated, like a pitching staff.

 

anyways, it sounds like her decision is made. I'd do strict no contact. give both of you a chance to think and heal. maybe she will realize she needs and misses you, and will ask for you back. or maybe she will realize she doesn't. either way, accept her decision as final, and focus on moving on. you don't have to date again right away, just focus on healing.

 

good luck

[Entomon]

I seriously don't know the answers to your questions but one thing I do know is that when someone no longer wants to be in the relationship, they'd make any lame excuses. And a perfect one that works all the time is they want to focus all their energy on their schooling. Believe me, I've used that cover story once too many times before though only on those whom I've only gone out on one date and couldn't possibly see anything long term with.

[Momene]

She could be confused but it may be OK for you to continue. I thin k it just got a bit too intense too quickly. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

[eleanorrigby1]

You are doing the right thing by leaving her alone. This hasnt been an easy decision for her and it does not reflect, I dont think, how she feels about you. I think she is being very wise and sensible. If she doesnt go for this she could end up resenting you and what if your love doesnt last the test of time? she will have given up everything for nothing.

 

Also she is only young and realises that her whole future could depend on this PHD and I personally think its a tremendous achievement that she is doing this.

 

I suggest you tell her you are happy to remain friends while she studies and that you hope when she is finished you two will be back together.

 

She may seem like the love of your life at the moment and it stings and hurts, but if she really is, you will let her go and she will come back. If it wasnt to meant to be, at least you have a good friend and you never know, you may find someone else that seems even more pefect for you.

 

QUOTE: "we'll get back together after her toughest 1st year at school. I obviously don't share that optimisitc sentiment." if she is the true love you speak of her as and you think everything is fine apart from this PHD then why not?

 

 

Don't look at this as her throwing you away, I am sure this is very difficult for her also, but if you truly love her, you will not beg or ask her to chose you over her possible future career.

[explayer]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I still don't know if I should do NC, or continue trying to build a friendship.

 

Every day together we grew closer, and it was the new best day of our lives. Now that we're apart, every day I feel the connection we were building deteriorating, and I'm scared to risk loosing the best think that's ever happened to both of us because I stuck with NC during this sensitive time.

[annie24]

I would do strict nc. seriously, if she misses you, she knows where to call you.

 

I am in a PhD program myself, and i must say, the stress doesn't go away after the 1st year. The first year isn't always the most difficult. Sometimes it is the 3rd year, sometimes the 5th... it just depends on person to person.

 

If anything, I've had an easier time having a bf in grad school, because it felt good to have someone to lean on and someone to make me happy.

 

i think it is a rather lame excuse.

[lonestar_80]

wow. sounds like the shoe is on the other foot now. I just went out a few weeks ago with a man that told me that he was dating 4 other women at the same time. it didn't make me feel good to know that we were being rotated, like a pitching staff.

 

ha, that was an interesting date. At least he gave you an option.

 

 

 

 

explayer, sorry man. She took you out of the game and now she is leaving you. I guess the best thing you can do is to keep a friendship with her. Do little contact instead of NC. If you were a player she will think you are just out playing other girls and forgot about her.

 

Man, so here is a real live player. Why did you feel the need to play women? I always wanted to ask a player that question. Don't all people deserve respect? Now the shoe is on the other foot. I guess now you know what all the women you played felt like after you left them.

[itsallgrand]

Leave her be. If she loves you, she'll miss you and contact you.

 

It all happened very fast, and I think how you are acting is frankly a little bit creepy. You're scaring her away! You need to back off, man.

 

Sucks being the one not in control and having feeling involved, eh? ha. Welcome to the world of adult feeling!

 

You obviously feel insecure in yourself. Why the rush? Hell, you two barely know each other at this point! A month, two months?! That is still the dream phase. You haven't tested squat.

 

I think she is blowing you off. You may be a great guy...but honestly, I understand why she'd be hesitant to get more involved with you. You have a bad history with women and you acting way too speedy with her.

 

Take care of yourself and give her space....show her you can respect her decision and put her first.

[explayer]

I told all my girls that I was actively dating around. I never misled anyone. Every relationship I've ever had, including L, I was up front about it.

 

Thing is, most girls if you tell them from the very beginning that you aren't looking for anything too serious, they are still down for a casual relationship if you make them feel really good about themselves.

 

It's definitely a juggling act though, and quite a challenge trying to meet the mental, physical, and emotional needs of multiple women and being 100% honest with all of them. They never stick around more than a few months usually. Comes with the territory.

 

I'd say around age 25/26 women become less interested in casually dating a guy like me, and loose interest after a few fun dates when they realize they aren't going to change me.

 

L changed me though...

 

I still can't decide if I should resume contact, or risk letting her come back on her own.

 

 

Anyway, being a player is fun, but an LTR with 1 great girl is definitely better. And that comment about high quantity, lower quality is spot on. Oh, and I never left a woman, they always left me.

[Momene]

On the UK board, we actually agreed that someone with a "bad history" changes when they meet the right person. Some people felt offended when I suggested that it could be otherwise.

[lonestar_80]

Anyway, being a player is fun, but an LTR with 1 great girl is definitely better. And that comment about high quantity, lower quality is spot on. Oh, and I never left a woman, they always left me.

 

I am sure they left you b/c you could not keep up with their needs. You did not give them enough time and attention that they deserve, so they had no choice but to leave. So, in a way you did leave them emotionally.