i think he has been cheating, how to get him to confess?

[whatfor]

hello everyone

cant believe im creating this topic and cant believe im in this situation, but unfortunately i am.

the story is long but ill try to tell in short.

i have been in a long distance relationship with my bf.. for years... he has been visiting me (i cant visit cause of visa problems). everything seemed fine. he didnt seem to be the one who could cheat and when he heard about ppl like that hed say it sick and disgusting.

now he is visiting me again... the story is.. he is living with his ex.. who as he says wasnt serious even, just something quick. he is living with her to save money cause she as a friend lets him pay less rent, because at the moment there are financial issues.

i have been trusting him for the whole time, 100%.

there were signs.. ex would act weird when i called there, now she is calling here while he is here, he goes to talk to another room to hide from me, saying its cause he is uncomfortable to talk to us both. he kept making excuses on the phone to her about me, and he says its cause he doesnt need problems with her cause she helps him around there and when i ask why she acts like that (like his partner) he says he doesnt know, cause she is a woman.

sure i believed this all too.

yesterday after he checked his emails i spied, i clicked back and read her 2 emails. i was stunned. she mentions me asking him to tell the truth, and the line she wrote made me sick. she said something like... we make love and it means alot to me cause i love u, but is it just sex to u or u love me too?...

i was shocked and sick and he came into the room and i asked if he has had sex with her and he says no.. i asked a few times as well as before, he says no he has not cheated on me. and said i shouldnt read other ppls emails cause i didnt get it right, cause it was about a different things and i cant follow the story since i dont know what was said by him in previous emails and by her.. mind u i believed all this crap.

he became cold to me and blamed me for spying.

closer to the end of the day i had another read of the email.. and the line about sex was present time. it wasnt said in the past (they used to date, but over 4 yrs ago), he explained like it was about past, but its damn present.

i tried talking to him more, but he doesnt talk, he gets annoyed and tells me to go away and says he has answered (he didnt cheat)

please need help, can someone give me tips on how to get the truth out of him, maybe some psycological way or anything. i want to know the truth.

i want to add, the day before we talked and made plans for the future again, he sounds like he does love me and wants a family with me, but now when i read that i feel disgusted and cant believe he has been cheating.

please help

[yeawutever]

Damn, I would hate to be in that situation, since the message is so straight forward. I do agree it was wrong spying which shows that you don't really trust him and that there are some issues that needed to be work out else you would have have been tempted to snoop on him.

I'm afraid his reaction to it shows the classical response of one who has cheated and is guilty about it, but doesn't want to show it and instead will get angry. He migh not have cheated, yet why is he acting so defensive???

 

All you can do for now is trust him or silently gather all the evidence. Try printing the messages and buy a recorder to hear their convo when him and his ex get a chance to talk on the phone. If it comes out that he trully cheated, I would say break up with him.

[whatfor]

thank you for your responce.. i really did trust him and even when it happened when he said no its not true and i believed him.. then i read the message again and it clearly says he is cheating

i need to get him to tell me but im not a strong person.

[yeawutever]

If you have a printer, then print it out and when you see him show him what it says. If he acts defensive again and makes other excuses as his way out, then you have your answer.

[whatfor]

damn its hard since i told him i didnt save it when he blamed me for spying

[yeawutever]

Yea you should have save it, now he's gonna be more discreet about it. Tell ya what, this is a crazy idea and I don't suggest anyone trying this when suspecting getting cheated at, but here goes:

 

Do you know his working schedule and the time he finishes he shift, if so and if you have a car, try folowing him in it and if his car isn't at work nor at his house, then by then you would have a clear idea of what's going on. Or if he's heading to his house and stops there, see who's in the car, if a girl comes out of them, then you have your answer, he's cheating. The other suggestion is getting a home recorder.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Whatfor,

 

You shouldn't spy, but you did, you found out and have to deal with it.

 

Background, from an "old guy", nothing is easier than to hop into bed with ones ex as long as one is on talking terms and enjoyed sex in the past.

 

You have to decide whether he did it and draw consequences.

 

Be cool, talk to him matter of factly, look into his eyes, you'll see.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He did do it, he'll probably do it again, and you should dump him.

[mba1]

i think you already know the answer to this one.... don't fool yourself honey.

 

fyi - this guy is a mastermind at deflecting responsibility and blame away from himself in order to draw your attention elsewhere.

 

he is a MANIPULATOR ! toss him sweetie

[theantibarbie23]

The sad truth is some people NEVER confess to cheating, even when shown undeniable proof. You know he cheated. He is lying to your face, unremorseful, and wants you to stop bugging him about it already.

 

It really doesn't sound like he really cares for you the way he should, at all. If I were you I would leave him.

[Siriana]

I think that just the fact he is living with his ex is enough to dump him. And yes, I bet he is sleeping with her..

 

Plus what are the chances for you to get visa... I think you are having more complications with this than neccesary. Finding someone completely available would be better.

[RandomAdvisor]

He did do it, he'll probably do it again, and you should dump him.

 

It's really that simple.