Wishing it could just end...

[CynicalGuitarist]

To whomever finds this thread...

 

Hello, I'm an 18 year old piece of . I've subconsciously known that I'm worthless since I was very young. I know I'm neither the most or least fortunate person alive... but I have a pain that just won't go away. It's the pain of feeling failure, isolation, disconnection... I've screwed up on everything I've ever attempted and since I'm an anti-social, introverted, cowardly, passive loser anyways... I wonder if I should even bother hoping for anything. I can't commit suicide because I'm a coward anyways, and it's not like I can just enlighten myself by sleeping or meditating, cause I have problems sleeping and meditation never worked on me.

 

One of my major problems is feeling alone and disconnected from others. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like another part of me is starting to manifest. Kind of like my personality is spliting into two pieces; the cold, angry, resentful, shadowy me, and the shy, gentle, empathetic, tender me. I've always got a war inside my head, and it's driving me towards insanity. ](*,)

 

My parents divorced when I was only four, and my dad passed away last year. It was such a traumatic experience, it's still eating away at me to this day. All these different emotions manifesting me and consuming me from the inside out. Even though I have a small circle of friends I can talk to, I can't help but feel lonely, isolated, and depressed most of the time. I feel alone with my own thoughts tormenting... wishing I could never think in the first place... because it hurts being disconnected.

 

Not only am I broken over my father's passing, I have no love life whatsoever. Go figure; what girl would ever want anything to do with my short, boney, ugly self anyways? I shy myself away from girls because most of them hate me for reasons I understand. I've never had a girlfriend, sex, or even a kiss (family doesn't count) in my life. As the ol' Bob Marley song goes "No woman, no cry" and how true is that; knowing it's hard for me to express my tears without a female... (and I'm tired of making my mom look at me as totally helpless). I'm not "cool" or "interesting" or "handsome" in any sense, so no wonder girls see me as worthless...

 

Not only does my social life have serious holes, I am a failure at everything I try. I've tried everything to try and make myself succeed in some sense (paper airplanes, video games, guitar, poetry, net-research, philosophy, etc.) but nothing fits. I'm still just an 18 year old loser with no job, no money, and no female companionship. I've never really won anything in my life, and this totally sucks. ](*,) It's something so painful, it makes me want to hate the ultimate creator of this universe (whatever the hell it may be) because losing everything you attempt is painful... In case you didn't notice, it's completely detrimental to my self-esteem, personality, and confidence. I try so hard in everything I do, only to be let down in the most horrible ways.

 

I hate walking down the street or driving on the road and seeing all these happy people who look so happy and full of hope. It eats me up inside when I see a socially happy guy with a great girlfriend, built physique, and perfect posture and looks. I totally envy all these happy people. I'd give up almost anything to be one of them. I'm tired of everyone around me winning, succeeding, being completely content and happy with everything in their life. Better them than me, I guess. Whatever, I probably don't deserve anyways.

 

I've talked to others about this, and they tell me things like "Don't worry, you'll get what you deserve later in life" "I know It's tough now, but you'll get what you need in due time" "Someday you'll find yourself getting far in life..." and I must say those are some pretty good soundbytes. However, history tells us another story, and through studying history, I've came to this conclusion... you don't get what you want in life. You don't get what you need. You don't get what you deserve. I know humanity's purpose (heavy burden, I know)... and that's to get what's there to receive, be it good, bad, or neutral.

 

Well, i guess you can say that was a barrel of laughs right there... I know I've said "I" too much, but these feelings are getting worse and more intense each passing day. This totally sucks.

[Mr Mister1]

Well you're not short on descriptions and metorphors, ever thought of writing, like stories, I know you said you tried poetry but.. maybe if you try write focusing on things that are bugging you, you'd be surprised at what you can come up with.

 

When you try things, how far do you go with them? Do you make one attempt then give up because it doesn't work? Because with almost anything you get better with practice, even if first you don't succeed if you look at why you didn't succeed you can learn from that and get better.

Maybe you should ask yourself what you want to do and what you want to achieve and work towards that. But when you do, be patient, it will take time.

 

Ever tried going to the gym? If you work out there a little bit each time you can work on your "bony" self. It works if you keep going and are determined.

 

At the risk of sounding cynical (which I am), remember a lot of the time the only person you can truly rely on and trust is yourself, so look out for yourself and try make things better for you. Other things will come later.

 

I've felt like this before, that I'm a failure and am worthless (it still happens from time to time), the way I deal with it is by then throwing myself into things totally fired up and determined to prove everyone wrong.

[hazlcha]

My dear friend, please sit back. Here comes some tough love.

 

Don't you dare call yourself worthless, or a piece of "removed by moderator."

 

No!

 

Your self-talk is not doing a blessed thing for you, you are making yourself feel worse and worse. Stop that.

 

In my religion, it's forbidden to say bad things about someone else (unless they're an evil person like some murderer). It's even more forbidden to say bad things about yourself. You've said some awful things about a sensitive, expressive, talented and well-spoken kid with the post-name of CynicalGuitarist. You owe that fine gentleman a big apology.

 

I want you to do him a favor. Tell him that every human being is precious, and that every human being has basically the same DNA, the same anatomy, the same construction. Nobody is a "loser," while everybody "loses" at some time or another. And everybody wins at many times. Your history study is off - many of us have turned ourselves around by changing the way we talk to ourselves. And look at ourselves.

 

So here is my challenge to you. It's a ten day challenge to not allow a negative thought to remain in your mind. For the next ten days, if you catch yourself thinking bad thoughts, "I can't .. I'm not .." kind of thoughts, you gently push those thoughts out. Say to those thoughts, "Thanks for coming to visit, but you're not helping me now so you may leave now." Ten days. OK?

 

Second, the thing with the women. It's not about looks, my friend. I'm what most call a good-looking guy, and my failures with the fair sex have been nothing short of spectacular. When I've changed my attitude, my results have changed. That is a work in progress, and it's great, exciting. You can certainly do that. Show the personality that we know you have. And playing the guitar is also very attractive. Use that.

 

And dress well. That you can do. Dress as if you felt good looking. It's not enough changing your inner attitude. Changing the way you carry yourself and respect yourself is huge. Go for it, and learn to enjoy this new you.

 

Finally, a book recommendation. It's called "Awaken the Giant Within", by Anthony Robbins.

 

Any questions feel free to post or PM me. I hope you understand, we're all on your side and here to help.

[Mr Mister1]

Don't you dare call yourself worthless, or a piece of "removed by moderator."

 

Exactly, "Removed by moderator" is the absolute worst insult you can give someone. One time I told some guy to go and get removed by the moderator and he chased me for like 10 blocks with a wet towel! Man that stung.

 

But seriously I agree with everything hazlcha says. One other thought, next time there's something where you don't think you can do it, give it a go just to see how far you can get, you may be surprised!

[CynicalGuitarist]

"When you try things, how far do you go with them? Do you make one attempt then give up because it doesn't work? Because with almost anything you get better with practice, even if first you don't succeed if you look at why you didn't succeed you can learn from that and get better.

Maybe you should ask yourself what you want to do and what you want to achieve and work towards that. But when you do, be patient, it will take time."

 

Alas, I get this one alot, especially when I talk to psychiatrists. I'm such a hack, even when I learn from my mistakes, I still make em... It's like a reflex I can't help. Believe me, I do try and try and try again, only to wield the same results. I may have a bad self image, but it's not like I think these things without some sort of rational basis. The people I live around don't really help either... true, most of them aren't very intelligent, but at least they can do so many things "right" and live so happily. I've heard the saying "be patient" so many times, I almost think it's something the "powers that be" like to use to give the hopeless a sense of hope... (but then again, that's a common trick politicians like to use to make the proletarian class think the government cares about them.)

 

"In my religion, it's forbidden to say bad things about someone else (unless they're an evil person like some murderer). It's even more forbidden to say bad things about yourself. You've said some awful things about a sensitive, expressive, talented and well-spoken kid with the post-name of CynicalGuitarist. You owe that fine gentleman a big apology."

 

Pleeeeeease... don't give me any religious "thou shant"s... I've heard it all... from all different religions. They don't help. I think the elite use religion to their advantage to make others feel a false sense of accomplishment... and this works to a lesser extent with cults. These poor fools are so hoodwinked to believe even if they kill themselves, what they're doing is right... (heavens' gate, anyone?) I'm not trying to be rude... it's just the fact that I like to look at things from a spiritual perspective. Yes, religion and spirituality are different.

 

"Your history study is off - many of us have turned ourselves around by changing the way we talk to ourselves. And look at ourselves."

 

Hmm... I've heard a quote somewhere that says "history is written by the winners". How true is that? Just imagine a historical perspective written by one of the natives of America... not one of the immigrants that moved out of Britain, but one of the people who lived so peacefully until smallpox, suburban sprawl, and such raped the land. Sometimes I wonder what the historical perspective of George W. Bush (a traitor to what this country "stood for") will be in 20 years. It's kind of hard to change the way you talk about yourself when the political oppressors are screwing you over... They have all the wealth they could possibly dream of and more... I don't want to hear any whorish statement of "we care about the people" from someone like that... I could go on forever about how history can be bent to make heresies look like favors... but the evidence is overwhelming...

 

"Finally, a book recommendation. It's called "Awaken the Giant Within", by Anthony Robbins."

 

Ah, Tony Robbins... Well, he does make money (and lots of it) off of what he does... He helps many people who are already fortunate (such as top-ranking athletes, generals, musicians... all sorts of rich people) Kind of like how MetallicA needed a psychotherapist to help them record their last album (total crap). I'll be impressed when he can inspire and give a starting hand (it is hard to be positive when you're hungry all the time, no?) to the poor of the world, and aide the many depressed teenagers in lower middle class-working class schools.

[stolenshadow]

Well, you are clearly a very intelligent young man, so I will only suggest a few small things to you.

 

1. Don't focus on what you should do, should feel, should be, etc. don't put yourself the label of "loser" or "waste" or anything, if you don't want to accept the positive don't accept the negative either, be neutral, live your life any way you want it, don't envy what you think others have, and don't admit you have more of something either, if at the end of the day you think you were given "extras" share them and/or keep quiet if you prefer to believe there's a superiority factor.

 

2. You have many things figured out, but there will be more questions and new paths, don't ignore them.

 

Finally, there are many things you want to say, many things you have discovered, beliefs, information, thoughts on various subjects, so, find a way to do it, any way, have a nice conversation with somebody you know or a debate in a place meant for that, don't assume others won't understand you and don't try to prove you are right, listen, don't fight to be heard, offer your ideas, they can be very productive outside yourself.

 

Good Luck.

[Scout]

CynicalGuitarist, as I was reading your first post, I was incredibly struck by how articulate and self-aware you appear to be. In fact, I was pretty impressed. And, I also felt real sympathy - and empathy - for your situation and state of mind. It's clear you feel very alienated, and you expressed it so eloquently.

 

And then, I read your response to Hazcla's feedback.

 

Wow. It was almost like a completely different person responded. In a few swift sentences, you completely scoffed at religion and spirituality as silly practices of the elite, and one of the basic tenets of cognitive therapy (undoing the habit of negative thinking by becoming conscious of negative thoughts as they occur and immediately cutting them off and replacing them with positive ones) as pure bunk, and just generally poo-pooed Hazchla's suggestions.

 

I suggest you work at having a more open mind. That would include towards what you think you know. Eighteen is a tragically young age to conclude you've got it all figured out.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I didn't really intend to tear anybody apart... I'm just saying the elite of this society use all sorts of things (religion and propaganda, for instance) to rule over the population. I didn't scoff at spirituality, because it's something much more intangible. I said I prefer it over religion.

 

I've tried "cognitive therapy". I've read David Burns' book about how great it is... the problem is, it doesn't work on me. These problems didn't just "show up" over the past few years, but manifested themselves unto me over my lifetime. The divorce of my parents and recent death of my father sure didn't help. People all my life (such as my brother and "friends" I've had) have treated me like I was below them; someone who should be seen and not heard... I was kind of making the point with the "point of life" that I think our purpose in life is a whole lot simpler than we think it is. It's debatable, but that's just what I think.

[Scout]

I know you've been through a really tough time about your dad; I can only imagine how much you miss him and that you're having a very hard time dealing with the grief. I apologize for not addressing that before. As for your brother, I know all too well how certain siblings can basically make our life hell for us. It gets much better once you don't live with them.

 

Ahem - but I still say that you have a touch of "I know that, I've heard of it, doesn't work" mentality that I really urge you to try and relax a bit. Help actually helps when it's received with an open mind. If that made any sense. Cognitive therapy can take a great deal of time to do it's stuff, and I can't help but wonder if you really gave it a fair shake. Negative thinking is a hard habit to break. Especially when it's been reinforced throughout a difficult childhood! You've got years of dysfunction to undo, it doesn't happen overnight, sometimes not even for years. But if you give up before you really try, just forget it.

 

What I think would also help you immensely is sticking with the music. Guitars are hard as hell to learn how to play, again, can take years to get to the skill level you want. But don't give up. That, combined with your writing ability, shows me you could also be a great songwriter. Just stick with it.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime. Like I said, I related to a lot in your first post and would be happy to give you my feedback/take on some of your other dilemmas. And I will try to keep an open mind myself about your thoughts on my opinions.

[hazlcha]

Hmmm, the more you write, the more you show extraordinary abilities and intelligence.

 

Anyway, I wish to respond to your response. First off, you have been through a lot that must have been very painful for you in your family. I'm sure everything that can be said in these situations has been said to you, but let me express my sympathy and condolences anyway.

 

I have a few comments/questions about what you wrote.

 

Pleeeeeease... don't give me any religious "thou shant"s...

Is there a baby in this bathwater?

It's kind of hard to change the way you talk about yourself when the political oppressors are screwing you over...

Are the police coming to your house daily to make sure you don't think well of yourself?

Ah, Tony Robbins... Well, he does make money (and lots of it) off of what he does...

So what? Is it a sin to be successful? And do the successful not have babies in their bathwater too?

 

What it seems you've said is that because the sources of these concepts don't meet with your approval, they have nothing to offer you. I didn't see an explanation as to why changing your self-talk won't work, only that because it's a process espoused by religion, or individuals you don't approve of, it should be rejected out of hand.

 

So I want to ask you this:

 

What's the payoff for feeling down on yourself and saying how flawed you are?

 

What do you gain from it?

 

Can you change that? Are you ready to try something different?

 

I have a friend who, at 18, basically became a recluse for almost two years. He is very bright, and I never found out what the catalyst was, but something pushed him into a deep cynical state. He wanted nothing to do with anyone, dropped out of school. I was one of the few friends who talked to him, but he would not trust anything I, or anyone - certainly not his parents - said. He believed that the human was incapable of truly wanting to help a fellow out.

 

It took two years for him to emerge from his shell, and even longer before he has gotten himself off to college and back into the world.

 

I do apologize if I'm being too direct and candid here. I realize your story and do feel for you. I'm trying to give you my truthful feelings on the matter, for you to accept or reject as you see fit.

 

One thing more. I'm betting that your difficult days have taken up residence in your physical space. Emotions do have a strong physical presense. (I experienced this when months after I confronted a burglar in my home at 4am, I was still tense. The teacher of my acting class saw that I was holding that trauma inside physically, and urged my to do a "gestalt." I started to stomp my feet, visualize that burglar and together with the physical stomping and arm movements, tell him exactly whatever came up. I promise you, I physically felt a volcano arise, and when, after a few minutes of expressing all that feeling in sound and movement, I felt tremendous release.)

 

So do reconsider your thought patterns, and find a healthy way to honor your emotions. Music, therapy, whatever.

 

Oh, and since you like my reading lists, try "Man's Search for Meaning," by Viktor Frankl.

 

Good luck.

[CynicalGuitarist]

So what? Is it a sin to be successful? And do the successful not have babies in their bathwater too?

 

Of course not... his info is out there for others who take it in... but what he says doesn't really help; it's because he can't relate to me. I'm not slanderizing his work. He's never been me, he doesn't know who I am and I was just saying I'd be even more impressed if he did his magic on some of the more unfortunate of the world; those people really need it.

 

It's kind of like listening to Eminem (which I can't stand). He's proof positive that you can keep saying "Life sure is hard, man. I was there, and it sucked. Life still sucks and fame sucks too, but hey, I just bought a fresh Benz off the lot and have loads of horny girl fans who would give sexual favors to meet me, but man, life still sucks man!" and people will buy into it.

[jadednhated]

I live in Hilmar, Ca not far from Sacramento you have so much more life ahead of you. Sadly you don't see it now

[obscurity]

I didnt read through all the posts, but I did read the first one.

 

I concur with most of what your saying. Although I have a boyfriend, life away from him is absolute hell.

 

I am taking something I hate at university and its to late to change out of it.

Life at home is unbareable. If I moved out I would be casted as the "black sheep". My parents would hate me.

I am over 18 and have absolutely no freedom what so ever.

My family doesnt know about my boyfriend, because of the above reason.

... The list only goes on.

 

Life sometimes doesnt feel like its worth living...