Im Torn, Should I ask for a divorce?

[SLMitchell918]

I have spent several months trying to get over my husbands emotional affair. I know in some peoples eyes , it isn't cheating, but I feel that it was wrong and is, in some ways cheating.

 

I feel the "d' work hanging over my head everyday. I'm torn because part of me wants a divorce, yet part of me doesnt. I feel like he should have stood by me during my pregnancy, instead of telling another woman he loved her. He treated me like crap and did not show me that he really loved me at all.

 

I read about couples that have a great relationship, and have unconditional love. Is that true? Have any of you really found unconditional love?

 

Mainly, my reasoning is that Im scared I am missing out. I keep thinking that maybe this man didn't love me. Maybe I am missing out on finding unconditional love. I truthfully thought I had it up until last november. I was in such a hurry to save my marriage for my unborn childs sake, that I never thought about ME.

 

Hes showed me that he wants to be with me, but sometimes I wonder what his reasoning is. Is it our daughter Savannah? Does he feel stuck? He says no, but his track record for the truth isn't very good.

 

Im tired of trying to trust him. Trust should come naturally. I shouldn't have to wonder in the back of my head what he is doing. Even if he isn't doing anything wrong! Because he hasn't since Novemeber.

 

Im close to asking for a divorce. I just know it will throw him for a loop and he will NOT handle it well. If I say something, He will fly off the handle, in several ways. He will be very upset over our 5 month old daughter too.

 

I do love him very much. I dont like loving him is the problem. I think its trust and fear of the future. Even if he doesn't talk to this girl anymore, what stops another girl from coming along? I shouldn't have to live mu life in fear.

 

So, Pretty much, I am torn. I am on the verge of asking for a divorce, but I think loving him is holding me back - on top of our 5 month old daughter.

 

What should I do? Is a marriage savable after emotional cheating?

[eyeswideopen]

It may or may not be salvagable. If this is something you think will eventually tear you up inside, I really don't know. On the other hand, if this is something you are truly considering, you may want to bring him into some couple counselling and get it all out with a middle man aka therapist. This way chances are you won't come accross attacking and he may be less likely to fly off the handle as you say. Maybe, you can get him there by saying, I'm having a really hard time with this other woman and think we can benefit from seeing someone together... then bring up the divorce thing in there.

[kellbell]

Hi Selina,

 

I am so sorry things have been so rocky for you. (((hugs)))

 

Have you thought about going to marriage counseling? I do believe your fears and reservations are warrented but if there a part of you that wants to save this marriage, perhaps seeing a counselor would help.

 

But I am going to say this... coming from the "child's" perspective...NEVER NEVER stay in an unhappy and loveless marriage for the kids. My mom did that (she is divorcing my father, married 35 years, it will be finalized this summer...). My mom said to me, "I stayed for you kids..." I felt like a piece of crap after that. Believe me, there is nothing admirable from that statement. I am in therapy (not the main reason but part of it). Kids will adjust, it is very important for the parents to be happy.

 

I truly hope that a resolution will come your way soon.

[BellaDonna]

Hi SLMitchell918. I remember your story. You have struggled long and hard with this.

 

I can't recall 100%- but am I correct in stating that you and your husband did not go to marriage counseling? If not, that might be on more thing you try before you make your decision.

 

This may sound very oversimlified for a complex situation like yours- however the equaton I live by for all relationships (including friendships, and romantic relationships is) the benefits of the relationship do not outweigh the costs (and this continues for a consistent amount of time)- it's time to end the realtionship.[/u]

 

I do love him very much. I dont like loving him is the problem. I think its trust and fear of the future. Even if he doesn't talk to this girl anymore, what stops another girl from coming along? I shouldn't have to live mu life in fear.

 

If the love cannot outweigh the negative feelings you are having- then it may be time to move on.

 

No matter what- both parents can have a great relationship with the baby and parent her together and be civil- you do not need to be together to parent her. In fact, it may be worse to "stay together for the kids" if the kids can clearly detect that you're unhappy.

 

BellaDonna

[Beyondthesea]

I read about couples that have a great relationship, and have unconditional love. Is that true? Have any of you really found unconditional love?

 

I definitely do, and if you aren't feeling that, there's something not right within the relationship.

 

what stops another girl from coming along?

 

This is why I would never stay with someone who has cheated. If they do it once and get caught, it probably will happen all over again.

 

Keep posting, we'll help you sort through your thoughts.

[talo]

I would suggest you read Esther's posts in this thread:

link removed

[hardcharger]

Selina, I believe that in most cases marriage can be quite rocky and that it is our responsiblity as human beings to try to stick it out, especially for the sake of our children. Of course, at times, divorce is the best answer for all inolved, however in many cases it is not. Your husband has an emotional affair with someone? Not the end of a marriage, temptations abound, fortunately it was not fulfilled. You don't feel complete love from your mate? Ok, now your with the 80% of the married couples. There is a responsiblity to the tradition of marriage and a responsiblity to our own souls, somewhere there is a balancing point, that is the best answer for us and our world. I don't see anything in your post above to truly contemplate divorce. Try to find love where you are at.

[bacci]

Selina,

I'm with the above post. I don't think a divorce is the best option at this point. You still have too many doubts about getting a divorce,you still love him and you just had a baby and you're both adjusting to it, with a baby come new reponsibilities and changes in your roles. I don't justify your husband but perhaps he was facing issues with parenthood and it sounds like he honestly wants to be only with his family, that is, you and the baby. He has chosen you. Now you have to make a choice.

If you still love him, I suggest you give him a chance to prove his commitment, discuss things openly and honestly, let him know what he needs to know for you to be able to trust again.

Because you are right trust is essential but you can rebuild that trust,forgiveness is a process. I suggest you give it a chance since you can always get a divorce later.

Good luck, I wish you and your family all the best. Hang in there.