First post; Have an issue.

[HaydenBishop]

My wife and I met in highschool and dated for seven years before we married 14 months ago.

 

She is a very beautiful woman, and she is my best friend. We share a sense of humor, values, and all that.

 

I, however, do not seem to be motivated to have sex with her. There are times where I'm just completely uninterested in her advances (which are numerous, she enjoys sex). We have sex once a week, with some dry-spells of two or three weeks.

 

My lack of sexual interest is a point of frustration for her, and it's led to several major fights/arguments in the short time we've been married.

 

If I had to pinpoint what my problem is, I would say that I am no longer attracted to her physically. She has, of course, changed physically since we first met in highschool, and even since college when we began having sex (about three to four years into our relationship).

 

I have put on very little weight since then (about 7 lbs) but she has put on much more (i don't know where she started, but I know she only weighs about 10 lbs less than I do at this point).

 

I feel terribly shallow. But I don't know what else it could be, and I don't know how to fix myself to get past that. Any thoughts or advice would be great.

[brahman]

what i am about to say prolly sounds horrible, but it is all i can think of.

 

 

i dated this girl one summer, who i thought had an ugly face. i dated her becuase i thought she had alot of personality. anyways....one day we were sitting on her bed and i looked at her face as i usually did thinking she was kinda ugly, then all of the sudden i looked again and she was gorgeous, i continued to see her that way until we broke up and even for a few months after.

 

then one day i saw her from my car walking down the street, she looked ugly again...the way i see people changes alot by how i feel emotionally about them, maybe you either dont love her anymore, or the whole time it was a semi shallow relationship.\\

 

im not in your head, so i could be totally wrong, but this is my experience on situaitons similar to that one.

[scott4321]

HB,

 

You've heard it before, and I assure you it's true: The largest erogenous zone in the human body is the brain. You see what you want to see, based on what's in your heart. Another way to think of it is that sexual attraction for your mate (I'm not talking about the chemical flare-up of lust you might feel--briefly--toward some model you meet at a party... I mean the between husband/wife type of sexual attraction), is a biological lie detector that can't be fooled.

 

Somehow, she's lost your respect, and (it sounds like), your affection.

 

Determine the cause of that collapse, and fix it, and she'll be beautiful and hot once again. If you can't determine it, or you do and it "doesn't fix," your marriage is over in reality, if not yet legally.

 

There's a pool of thousands of people here who will help you with the search & fix attempt, if you will let them. I recommend you listen especially well to the women.

 

Best of luck,

 

Scott

[itsallgrand]

Hi Hayden. I have a few qs. Might help everyone to give the best advice possible.

 

For how long has this lack of attraction to your wife been going on? Did anything change/happen at that time?

 

How do you feel about your wife overall? Ex: Do you feel any anger/resentment/other such feelings towards her...?

 

Are you in love with your wife?

 

Are there other significant changes in your wife recently - less active, less socializing, that sort of thing? Do you feel she may have 'let herself go' after the marriage?

 

'kay...

[Iceman26]

It sounds like she got comfortable and let herself go after you guys got married, and you may have done a little of the same

 

Since you believe you are overweight yourself, why not suggest that you both join a gym and diet together?

[HaydenBishop]

After thinking about your responses, I think the problem is that I don't feel she cares.

 

I get up every morning at 5:30 and go to the gym for an hour and work out. I then come home, shower, and get ready for work while she is still sleeping (she goes to work about an hour after I do). I wake her up, get her breakfast, and then go off to work.

 

She doesn't wake up with me because she "isn't a morning person" which is fine. I'm cool with that. But then she doesn't really work out in the evenings. She'll run one a week or something, but then she makes excuses ("I've had a long day; My feet hurt; Etc") to rationalize not working out at night.

 

I don't know. I guess I feel that I work out for myself and for her. But she just doesn't care about doing it for herself or for me.

 

As for the rest of our relationship: it's great. We laugh alot, we do fun things together. We give each other space. There is trust and mutual respect.

 

Our only real problem is in the bedroom. But it's enough of a problem that she's the one who gets upset about it.

[brahman]

I have put on very little weight since then (about 7 lbs) but she has put on much more (i don't know where she started, but I know she only weighs about 10 lbs less than I do at this point). .

 

 

out of curiosity, how much wieght has she gained, what are her dimensions

 

 

hieght/ wieght? currently that is

[scott4321]

HB,

 

Maybe this will help you sort out your feelings:

 

Sex with one's mate, while physically identical to sex with a stranger, couldn't be more different. The latter is purely hormonal, and driven by evolutionary biology. Men are likely to indulge in such "sport" encounters more often than women, but not necessarily.

 

What's going on between husbands and wives who've been together for a while is much closer to gift-giving. A mutual exchange of pleasure. It's a conscious manipulation of the physical sensations inherent to the act, tailored to the mind of your lover. The dynamic is one of the more you give, the more you receive. There are no limits to how far it can go.

 

The catch is, unless the desire keeps returning, unbidden, to engage in this exchange, the physicality alone isn't enough. As you've discovered.

 

Do you think of your wife as an extension of yourself, in a way that makes you think you're two bodies, minds, and hearts which comprise a single being? The two of you as one, experiencing Life as a symbiotic team of two? You probably did once, or you wouldn't have married... So, what changed since? ONLY your wife's weight and desire to get in shape?

 

Happiness depends on four things, no more, and no less (assuming good health): Doing something you enjoy, in a place you like, having something to look forward to, and someone to share it with. Be sure you correctly identify the ones that are lacking, before blaming feelings of unhappiness on the ones you have.

 

Think about your marriage in these terms--with absolute honesty--and the path OUT of the woods in which you find yourself will become clear.

 

Scott

[nottoogreen]

HaydenBishop,

 

By turning her down, you hurt her self esteem significantly, resulting in her feeling unattractive, bored, lazy.

 

You are still attracted to young pretty bodies. This is immature and this attitude does not work long-term. What will you do at age 50 after she had kids?

 

Many aged couples are still more attracted to each other than the two of you.

 

My suggestion is that you consider to be attracted to her mind, feelings, expressions and to your senses of her responses as this will work long-term.

 

For your relationship to work out, make her happy sexualy and guide her to improve her attractiveness by working out which in turn will improve her self esteem.

 

It can be a win win situation after all.

[brahman]

My suggestion is that you consider to be attracted to her mind, feelings, expressions and to your senses of her responses as this will work long-term.

 

For your relationship to work out, make her happy sexualy and guide her to improve her attractiveness by working out which in turn will improve her self esteem.

 

It can be a win win situation after all.

 

i might have misinterprted what you said, but...

 

did you just tell him not to be so superficial, but then tell him he needs to get his wife to work out so she will (loose weight, tone up) so he will be attracted to her again?

[nottoogreen]

i might have misinterprted what you said, but...

 

did you just tell him not to be so superficial, but then tell him he needs to get his wife to work out so she will (loose weight, tone up) so he will be attracted to her again?

 

Thank you for your post. I agree this should be clarified.

 

My opinion is that short term attraction is more physical. Long term attraction is more sensual, with physical attraction being secondary.

 

Them will be in their mid-20s and are married. He obviously can't expect her to look like a young highschool girl in 25 years and after a couple of kids. So, I want him to find more attraction to sensuality for the long run.

 

I also want his wife to take care of her body and health and physical attractiveness (as he does) for the long run.

[brahman]

that makes more sense now, thankyou for epanding your explanation

[HaydenBishop]

I guess I'm just upset because we're only 24. I mean, I shouldn't be having this problem. We're still young and in love and I just don't get why I don't want to be intimate with her.

 

It's really frustrating.

 

As for how long this has gone on, I would say it started about two or three months after we were married. I think I noticed around September of last year that my urge was subsiding and we started hitting the slumps. Our first big fight about it was in October or around there. Since then we've had two or three long talks about the situation.

 

I can't just turn it off and on. I wish I could, but I don't have that switch that a lot of guys (apparently) have.

[nottoogreen]

I can't just turn it off and on. I wish I could, but I don't have that switch that a lot of guys (apparently) have.

Your age I had similar feelings. Many men have. It is part of maturing.

 

You can't switch. But you can see reason and make an effort. You'll be fine as long as you get going. Make love to her, to your happiness with her, she'll be so happy.

[rms8]

It sounds like your disappointed that she doesn't share your ideas about keeping up your appearance (working out, etc.). Clearly, you value being in shape and working hard for it. Since she doesn't value that as much as you do, you see her differently.

 

My suggestion is to talk to her about it (politely of course. no need to tell her she needs to work out cuz she's fat). If she understands where your lack of interest in her is coming for, I think it will make it easier on both of you to work thru this issue. Make sure to explain how you feel about staying in shape for yourself and her as well. The situation could get ugly but if this is the real root of the problem you owe it to yourselves to talk it out.

[HaydenBishop]

That sounds reasonable rms8. I think that might be the route to go. I find myself having these feelings most when I've just gotten done working out and am on my way home, knowing that when I arrive she will just be sleeping.

 

You might have hit the nail on the head.

[Lucky1]

I don't know you or your wife but it sounds like she might be depressed or in a rut. She may not enjoy her job, she may be doing alot stuff that over the years have just become her job at home? Is your life become kind of boring in the sense that you don't do the things that you would do if you were dating someone that you just met? Is there very little to really talk about? Did you over the years think about how great she looked never really said it ?

Sometimes we need to reassure each other verbally.

People need to feel like they are special. Maybe time has stolen something from you both and you both have things that you could do to make this better. Have you talked with her and told her that her weight is an issue ? or are you expecting her to just know how you feel ? I can only speak for myself, I comfort my self with food. So my weight goes up and down. My relationship (30 years since I was 15 )

Has gone through this same thing. We talked it out, changed how we eat. We go to the flea market on the weekends, go bike riding, we changed the things that are active to be our time together. Get a hot tub in your backyard for the morning maybe that will make her a morning person.

[Aurian]

Sounds like a motivation thing...

 

I think it would be great if you can find an activity you can both enjoy. Swimming, taw-kwon-do, rock climbing, whatever. I am horrible at motivating myself to run or go to the gym because they're do damn boring. A fun activity that happens to be physical might do the trick.

 

Why together? I think you need to build back the relationship too, and sharing a new activity together is a great start. Maybe even plan in a dinner or movie afterwards and make it a regular date thing!

[HaydenBishop]

I just want to update this. We've really made some good strides. We've began jogging together in the evenings, which is nice (and has really done a great job at getting me "down to my fighting weight").

 

We seem to have rekindled the excitement of the bedroom, with both of us initating intimacy on a fairly regular basis. I don't know what exactly, if anything, flipped for me. She's noticed it to, making several positive remarks about our current level of sexual activity.

 

Here is the new problem (if you can call it that). This all started about two months ago. I was out with my two buddies and we ran into an old flame of mine that ended very abruptly (we'll call her "Kelly"). Anyway, Kelly and I caught up and talked for a while and really had a great impromptu evening of conversation. Well, that night I went home and I would say all the great progress has been made. So, why did this happen? Why did this event lead to this result? Are they related?

 

Am I reading to much into this?