Frustrated

[trishcollins]

Okay, I am not sure what else I can do, so I am just going to vent. I am 46 years old, considered attractive, intelligent, generous and interesting by my friends, have a great career (but don't live to work), make good money, have travelled and all over the world, own my own hobby farm, enjoy interesting hobbies (own horses, bike, hike, white water raft, etc.), live close to a big city with a large population base,and have a terrific circle of friends. And yet, I cannot seem to find someone to share my life with.

 

I have been on Lavalife since it was Webpersonals in '98, and before that, I even used the newspaper singles columns. I have met probably 60 people face to face, and only a handful made it to the second date. I have only had two relationshpis last longer than 3 months. My last relationship, which lasted 2 years, ended not because we didn't love each other, but because circumstances made it impossible for us to continue (at least in his mind). Anyway, it's now been two years since that breakup, and I am over him and out there AGAIN, and not having any luck. I have joined clubs, taken classes, asked friends about potential single men, and been on every dating site you can imagine. And still NO luck.

 

People say that it happens when you least expect it, or when you aren't looking, but to me, that's like saying "don't think about pink elephants" -- you are always looking. I can't tell you how many times I have caught myself subconsciously checking for a wedding band. I don't think I am coming accross as desparate. I am secure in myself, and realize there is a fine balance between wanting and needed someone in your life.

 

I am totally exasperated, and to add insult to injury, on Sat, I was a bridesmaid for the FIFTH time. I was the ONLY single person at a 60 person wedding.

 

I don't have high expectations, nor do I have low ones. I just want someone who "gets" me, who I can share my life with and be part of their life. Who is there when I have had a bad day, and who I can support when they need me. Someone who is self-sufficient, who gives me space, and who communicates their feelings to me. Someone with who I can share mutual respect. I don't think I am asking a lot, but I won't simply go out with someone because they are available.

 

I don't believe in soul mates -- that's just too much pressure. I do believe in chemistry though, and that has to be there, although it has little or nothing to do with looks.

 

Why can't I meet someone. I cannot believe that after all this time, there isn't one guy out there who wants to be with me.

 

I am seriously considering a matchmaking service, rather than rely on Internet dating sites, which have proven to be a minefield (the last guy that emailed me was married). It's $1000 and they guarantee 12 dates. Any thoughts?

 

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am not lonely, just frustrated.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[eyeswideopen]

You sound great. You also sound like you're being very picky. Having only 2 guys out of 60 dates make it to date #2 sounds a bit... harsh.. how can you know a person after only one date to make up your mind about going on a second date? That person could have been nervous, had a bad day, whatever... Maybe you should start letting most of the people have a second or third chance (of course, unless they are obviously a scumbag or some major negative trait) so you can get more of an understanding of who they may really be or how they may be in a different type of environment.. who knows... Not to sound mean, but try being a little less picky and open to what does come your way and give it more than a night to figure out. There's a ton of people out there who may not even like someone they meet for the first time and next thing you know they are married.

[Derek]

Hi,

 

Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you have a balanced perspective on it. (no soul mates, yet chemistry)

 

Your motto in your sig "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten"

 

So I am curious, you sound like you've mined the Internet Dating circles,

have you considered adding some new interests? To mine new and different circles? Perhaps churches or community groups, outdoorsy interests (hiking, kayaking, mounting bikes ), dancing lessons/parties (swing, latin) . Are there some farmers/workers around that could do some stuff for ya on your farm? (just pretend you can't fix that fence or faucet for one time and see what guys come outta the wordwork to help y'know? =)

 

There is nothing wrong with advertising to your friends and family that you're looking for love and willing to check out any friend of a friend.

 

It really is about volume dating.

 

There's nothing desperate about being honest and wanting to fulfill a goal or dream in life (like say a partner). At 46 who gives a care what anybody else thinks. You've earned the right to say what you mean and mean what you say to the world eh?

 

These days it seems to be "in" to be in your 40s and still kickin' it with a very active life.

 

 

[friscodj]

Maybe you should start letting most of the people have a second or third chance (of course, unless they are obviously a scumbag or some major negative trait) so you can get more of an understanding of who they may really be or how they may be in a different type of environment.

 

This is a good point. You could also try the matchmaking service you mention.

 

You gave us the rundown on you, why don't you give us the rundown on what you seek in a man? Maybe writing it down will help you focus on certain traits above other or maybe some of your expectations are overly grandiose...

 

But...

 

You sound like you are frustrated with this. That frustration can lead to forcing things or losing touch with reality. Or it can lead to bitterness and pushing people away...

 

So what I would do, is give up. That's right. Really give up. Accept and find comfort is being alone for the rest of your life. Really do this. And you know what? I bet the right guy comes along for you at that time. I've seen it happen so many times. Relationships and life are funny that way, it makes no dam sense but it happens. So give up and accept being alone for the rest of your life...

[Tesseract_Witch]

Being "alone"--I don't think it is really total isolation from the world, so you are never technically alone; knowing that, there is NO guarentee you will never find someone who doesn't share your ideas and loves so that you two may be strongly connected and remain as such!

[itsallgrand]

A couple of quick qs:

 

What were the 'dealbreakers' in your previous relationships?

 

Do you have children? Do you want children? Are you limiting your base to a very specific sector of men?

 

I agree that writing a list of what you are looking for in a man is a good idea. A physical list. Perhaps there are areas that could be modified? Or areas which you are unintentially restricting yourself?

 

tc

[CluelessGuy321]

Now that's just perplexing.

 

As a 25 year old male, I am having a hard time finding any girl available at my age. I would think women have it easier.

[trishcollins]

You also sound like you're being very picky. Having only 2 guys out of 60 dates make it to date #2 sounds a bit... harsh

 

Over half of these people had no desire to see me again after our first meeting. So, it works both ways. It's not just me. I don't take it personally because I know you aren't going to click with everyone, otherwise none of us would be sngle! I do believe there has to be chemistry, and if it isn't there, you both know it right away. I read a statistic that it takes only 6 milliseconds to know if you are attracted to someone. I am not saying it's all chemistry. But there has to be some.

 

On a lot of these dates, I have had people turn up who were very different from what they portrayed in their Internet profile. It's hard to believe that people think they can get away with saying they are something they are not, especially when eventually you will meet them and found out for yourself.

 

When I said only a handful made it to the second date, it was probably 20%, but only 2 of them lasted longer than 3 months. For the others, sometimes they were interested and I wasn't. Other times it was reverse. We would go on two or three dates and then it would just peter out. I am not saying I turned down 58 people. That would really be mean

[avman]

I don't recommend the matchmaking services. They prey on people's loneliness and desperation in order to profit. My brother tried one of those and it was a complete sham.

 

To me, it sounds like you are trying all the right things. You just haven't met that special someone. That's lousy advice I know, but truthfully I'm not sure what else to tell you. You've tried clubs, classes, internet dating, asking friends for potential mates, etc. All of those are great ideas.

 

What about a singles cruise or a vacation place like Club Med? I've noticed you have a lot of horses in your avatars so what about a site like this: link removed or this: link removed

 

Just trying to throw out some ideas you might not have thought of.

 

But some of the other posters had a good idea in that maybe you should quit trying for a little while and just enjoy being single. Stop trying so hard, accept being alone for a little while, and maybe the right guy will fall into your lap...

[trishcollins]

So I am curious, you sound like you've mined the Internet Dating circles, have you considered adding some new interests? To mine new and different circles? Perhaps churches or community groups, outdoorsy interests (hiking, kayaking, mounting bikes ), dancing lessons/parties (swing, latin) . Are there some farmers/workers around that could do some stuff for ya on your farm? (just pretend you can't fix that fence or faucet for one time and see what guys come outta the wordwork to help y'know? =)

 

There is nothing wrong with advertising to your friends and family that you're looking for love and willing to check out any friend of a friend.

 

 

 

Thanks Derek, all sound advice. I have taken a ton of courses (photography, wine tasting, etc.) over the years, cycled and hiked in clubs, travelled in adventure groups, volunteered, belong to the gym, go to the local pub and mingle with people in my community whenever I get the chance. I am constantly asking friends and family to set me up with anyone they know who is single. So, I have tried outside the Internet. Some of the 60 dates were with people I met through friends, work or activities.

 

I am fine with single dads. I don't care if they hold a high paying job (as long as they can support their own lifestyle and aren't lookng for a sugar momma) and what they do for a living (as long as it's legal). My only deal breaker is distance. I can't driving hours back and forth to meet someone. I can only spend so much on having people take care of my horses when I am away, but I am not tied to the place either. Getting away for an evening, a weekend or even a couple of weeks once in awhile is not an issue. Among other things, one of the downfalls of my last relationship was the fact that I lived about 80kms from my partner. We tried to merge our households -- even bought a farm together at his end of town. But without going into a long, long story, in the end, it wasn't going to work regardless. I never moved and stayed where I was. There were other issues that needed to be dealt with, that couldn't be dealt with while I was in the picture. He needed to grieve for his deceased wife (died tragically right before he met me) and he needed to be there for his kids (his daughter made my life hell -- not her fault).

 

I think my biggest issue is that I am strong and independent, so it appears I don't need anyone. I am very mindful that I may not need someone financially, and I can certainly take care of a lot of things without a partner, but I still need someone emotionally and physically. Someone to lean on every once in awhile.

 

As for looking for someone to help around the place, unfortunately I have two excellent professional friends (a painter and a carpenter) who work for me on the cheap, and I really don't want to screw up those relationships by asking around from outside help LOL. I have certainly used my horse connections as well to find out if there are any single horse people in the area. I even attend the Hunt Green Box to see if anyone interesting is around.

 

I am just amazed that after 30 years of trying to find a partner, I am still single.

[trishcollins]

Thanks Avman. Love the birds.

 

I have already tried the equistrian matchmaking sites. Problem tends to be lack of others in my immediate area. Lots of people all over the States though.

 

Stop trying is much easier said then done. I think that someone mentioned trying too hard and failing can make me bitter. I am VERY aware of that. I am always trying to make sure I have a positive attitude. Afterall, it's all about attitude.

 

My requirements for a partner are not long-winded, just a few simple elements:

 

Trustworthy and honest

Respectful

Intelligent (not necessarily "book smart")

Open-minded

Thoughful

Single dads are fine (I have no children, simply because I was never in a relationship to have any)

Laid back and easy going

Self-sufficient

Single or divorced (all the loose ends from the previous relationship are tidied up)

Lives within 50km radius

Doesn't smoke

 

As for physical appearance, I am not fussed, but I am tall (5'8")and many guys are self-conscious about their height if they are shorter than me. I am not looking for ripped abs or fanatical athletes. Just average people who are have the same values and want the same things. Have some fun and enjoy life together.

 

I don't think I am asking for much.

[trishcollins]

So what I would do, is give up. That's right. Really give up. Accept and find comfort is being alone for the rest of your life. Really do this. And you know what? I bet the right guy comes along for you at that time. I've seen it happen so many times. Relationships and life are funny that way, it makes no dam sense but it happens. So give up and accept being alone for the rest of your life...

 

I have "given up" several times, for up to two years at a time. I just say "screw it" and just went about my life accepting the fact I was single. I enjoy my own company. I have no issues going to parties or out with friends without a date in tow. I am equally happy spending a Sat night at home with a movie or a good book. I can sit on my back deck for hours and read. I go to movies on my own, out to dinner on my own and travel on my own. I have no issues talking to complete strangers or making friends in my travels.

 

But, after a time I start thinking that giving up is not getting me anywhere either (because let's face it -- it's the pink elephant thing again). I tried to use what works for me in the rest of my life, and then I think how I managed to get everything else in life I ever wanted -- great friends, good career, trips abroad (Europe, Africia, South America, Australia, etc.), my horses and my hobby farm. I had a goal and I kept that goal in mind while I worked for whatever it was I wanted. I put a lot of energy into friendships too. I managed to always get to the goal if I set my mind to it. However, it's failing me when it comes to relationships. And, quite frankly, I am at a loss as to what to do now.

 

So, as much as "giving up" might appear to help, in my own experience, it doesn't work for me.

[friscodj]

I too am amazed at this situation solely based on the sheer numbers here. Thirty years, sixty dates, and you seem to be pretty realistic in your criteria, and you've been all over the place trying different things trying to meet a guy.

 

So I think you should approach this in two steps:

 

1) Think back to the guys who decided to end it with you. What was brought up in the last conversation with these guys that might have led to this? Any commonalities there? And what about your last serious relationship? What started that one?

 

2) I really think you should pursue the avenue of accepting that you will be single forever. You've done so much already. Give up, I'm serious. Relationships and finding them don't always make sense. Give up, really give up, and I bet it will come to you. I smile and shake my head at stories like that all the time. Easier said than done, but do it. Run yourself into the ground some more trying all these different techniques and tactics and then say f-it. Throw your arms up and say f-it...and mean it...then he'll come...I can't explain it but it happens that way soemtimes...

[trishcollins]

A couple of quick qs:

 

What were the 'dealbreakers' in your previous relationships?

 

Do you have children? Do you want children? Are you limiting your base to a very specific sector of men?

 

I agree that writing a list of what you are looking for in a man is a good idea. A physical list. Perhaps there are areas that could be modified? Or areas which you are unintentially restricting yourself?

 

tc

 

Thanks tc (my initals too)

 

I did post a list, which should give you an idea. Here are a few more things:

 

Within 5 years of my age either way (experience has taught me that much younger and they still want children, which I can still have physically, but really don't want to get pregnant at my age, and too much older and they are ready for retirement, and I am not quite there yet)

Happy to sit a home and watch a movie, or go out on the town for a play and a good meal

Likes to travel, camp, hike and bike, B&Bs and 5 star hotels

Likes horses (doesn't have to ride)

Has his own interests and hobbies

A sense of humour (which is pretty much a given for everyone)

 

That's about it. Perhaps I am too vague. I should be more definitive -- have a real goal I can visualize - like George Cluney

[friscodj]

Well Trish, I would take your lists you made, keep doing what you're doing, and some time down the road it will happen for you. The "when" part is out of your hands...

 

What's in your hands is avoiding getting frustrated or impatient and end up "settling". Or getting bitter about the notion of relationships and letting that poison future relationships.

 

But it sound slike you're following the path you need to follow so all I can tell you is to be patient...

[trishcollins]

I too am amazed at this situation solely based on the sheer numbers here. Thirty years, sixty dates, and you seem to be pretty realistic in your criteria, and you've been all over the place trying different things trying to meet a guy.

Now you can understand why I am frustrated.

 

So I think you should approach this in two steps:

 

1) Think back to the guys who decided to end it with you. What was brought up in the last conversation with these guys that might have led to this? Any commonalities there? And what about your last serious relationship? What started that one?

 

I would have to write a novel about the last serious relationship. He met me two months after his wife died unexpectly and tragically. I met him via the 'net and didn't know the timing or the details until 2 months into it. I sought a counsellor to understand what I should do. He hadn't grieved and needed to. The counsellor said a lot of men who were in happy and loving relationships are remarried within a year of their wife's death. Women do not do that. She said he would have to grieve at some point and I could be there for him. So that was issue number one.

 

His children suffered as a result of his decision to move on so quickly (issue number 2) His son (15 when we met) became very attached to me and his daughter (17 when we met) took on the opposite feeling. She spent a lot of time making my life miserable, but I always forgave her because I saw where she was coming from -- she lost her mother and saw me as a threat. I spent a lot of time talking to my ex about communication, grieving and working it through with his kids, particularly his daughter. There were a lot of confrontations regarding her rude behaviour, which I tried to derail and get him to see she was hurting and needed help, not to be told to behave. He basically did nothing, and I could see it was wearing him down. He was determined that it would work for everyone, and professed his love for me constantly -- that we would spend the rest of our lives together -- but at some point, he simply gave up. He didn't want to be in the middle anymore and so after two years, he simply curled up into the fetal position and said he had to end it. I expected he would choose his daughter, not me. So, there wasn't much I could do. His son took it really hard, and I always felt bad about that. I tried to wait it out, but once he had decided it was over, he was done.

 

My previous serious relationship lasted less than a year. It was a co-worked. He was on the rebound. We had some great times together, but in the end, he told me he loved me, but was not 'in-love' with me, and that he didn't see us together. I was devastated, and it took me a couple of years to get past it. I think I also saw him as my last chance for biolgoical children, so it was a really big deal. That of course, was 9 years ago, so it all water under the bridge.

 

I think my strength and independence attracts men in a vulnerable position. I am very careful now to avoid men who are on the rebound and not completely out of their last relationship. I look for the red flags and run the minute I see the pattern repeating. I met a nice guy on Lavalife about two months ago. He was travelling overseas on business at the time, so we emailed for a month. I kept seeing more and more negative things about his ex and the custody situation (he was not happy about it) and by the time we met, I realized he had a chip on his shoulder that he needed to deal with. In fact, by our second date, he announced he was fighting for custody and couldn't get into a relationship - it wouldn't be fair on me. So, he made the decision for me. If he hadn't, I would have had to say something.

 

2) I really think you should pursue the avenue of accepting that you will be single forever. You've done so much already. Give up, I'm serious. Relationships and finding them don't always make sense. Give up, really give up, and I bet it will come to you. I smile and shake my head at stories like that all the time. Easier said than done, but do it. Run yourself into the ground some more trying all these different techniques and tactics and then say f-it. Throw your arms up and say f-it...and mean it...then he'll come...I can't explain it but it happens that way soemtimes...

 

As I said, I have taken the attitude before, and I fear that if I do nothing, nothing will happen. Because history has dictated that so far.

[friscodj]

Well, all I can say is keep chipping away and sooner or later you'll reach the diamond... Focus on the effort and not on the result (or lack thereof). And I bet after all you've been through...when you do meet "the man"...it will be amazing!

[trishcollins]

Well, all I can say is keep chipping away and sooner or later you'll reach the diamond... Focus on the effort and not on the result (or lack thereof). And I bet after all you've been through...when you do meet "the man"...it will be amazing!

 

Thanks frisco. I just needed to vent and hear something.

 

Yes, life is about the journey and not the destination.

 

Cheers, Trish

[friscodj]

Thanks frisco. I just needed to vent and hear something.

 

Yes, life is about the journey and not the destination.

 

Cheers, Trish

 

Hey, I hope things work out for you Trish I really do. You sound like quite the catch and will make some lucky man's dreams come true.

 

Keep us posted on that, OK? I love to read about good news on this site once in a while...

[trishcollins]

Hey, I hope things work out for you Trish I really do. You sound like quite the catch and will make some lucky man's dreams come true.

 

Keep us posted on that, OK? I love to read about good news on this site once in a while...

 

Thanks Frisco. And I will definitely post. This site help me get through my breakup and I was happy to let others know that you do survive and can actually be happy again. If I helped just one person see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it was worth it. I don't know what I would have done without enotalone!

 

Yes, I am quite the catch

 

Trish