Anatomy of an affair?? Or is it??

[i love grapes]

Ok I need some advice and clarification on something. I'm late 30s, she (lets call her Jane) is mid 20s. We are both have significant others. We both work for the same huge company. About 4 years ago, she was transfered into my department and then 2 years later promoted to another department. Right away, something clicked between us and we became close friends of a sort. It is actually fairly unusual. The age gap alone seems odd to me. She seems to do most of the "heavy lifting" in our relationship. I am the typical useless guy as far as being friends etc.

 

1.) We talk on the phone almost everyday, do MSN chat often, email half a dozen times a day.

2.) If she has to run an errand (in the building - it's a huge government building) she will call me and we walk there together (I can come and go as I please in my job) even if it is just a 5 minute walk to another department.

3.) We meet almost every lunch hour - we are both fitness fanatics and go to the gym or just hang out together.

4.) We remember each others birthdays and christmas with little gifts.

5.) When one of us goes on vacation we always bring back a little something for the other person. If one is away or sick or whatever, the other will send some fun or gossipy type emails so the person has something to interesting to read when they return.

6.) We occasionally embrace - hug - or stand inappropriately close to each other - especially if no-one else is around.

7.) If there are conferences etc to go to we will always seek each other out and go together. This is so common now that it seems to be bascially assumed we will go together.

8.) Many of our co-worker and people we have contact with have assumed that jane and I are together. jane says she thinks that's funny.

9.) She will very rarely mention her "other" who actually believe it or not works in the same huge company. I see him around occasionally but he doesn't say "hi" to me.

10.) I'm not sure what he (jane's "other") knows - I can't imagine he could be happy if he knew how much time we spend together. I've asked jane about this but have gotten non-commital vague answers so i'm guess he isn't really aware.

My other doesn't know - she knows I occasionally go for coffee etc with Jane, but isn't aware of the quantity and quality of our "friendship". My other has a mean jealous streak so I just dont mention it. We have occasionally met on the weekend etc too - i doubt she tells him.

11.) Jane is extremely pretty, she's done some modelling and has no shortage of male attention (except she doesn't want it - except for me, indeed she is very scornful of men in general)

12.) Dress at work is very casual, i've noticed that if she does have to dress up for some reason, or if she got a new haircut or whatever then she will find a way to be with me. She doesn't come right out and say "come see how I'm dressed today" but I can read between the lines. I always say she looks nice etc.

 

I have theories:

Her other seems, from what I know of him, to be the typical self-absorbed 20 something neanderthal (i know 'cause I once was one) who doesn't pay her any attention and bascially takes her for granted.

i think that I am filling a niche for her. Most of the time I am OK with it - it doesn't take that much effort. But sometimes I wonder what is going on,.

I'm also suspecting that she doesn't really know anyone like me. Without sounding like a pompous * * *, I am creative, interesting, sensitive and intelligent. I've met most of her friends and family and they are...well, not those things to be polite.

 

Is this an emotional affair? If so, should I be worried? What am I supposed to do about this? I don't really want to end it - she certainly is a ray of sunshine in my life. Its good for my ego to have some pretty girl want to spend time with me and make the effort to do so. She is good company and excellent "peer pressure" to work out at the gym etc.

Is there any harm that can come of this?

If we were the same gender then would that be a bad thing? Or if one of us was gay or whatever?

I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't attracted to her. Not obsessively so, but she is very pretty and graceful. I've caught her giving me the eye on occasion as well.

 

To be honest, this totally feels like an affair most of the time. We do kind of "sneak around" - all that is missing is the actually sleeping together part. This is very ususual - for me anyway.

 

I'd welcome some advice and interpretation of this. It's been going on for 4 years now. I've have actually tried to end it a few times as I was concerned but she totally perserved with staying in touch - like I said before, it seems to be mostly her doing the work.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[InHiding]

It sounds like you like it, so I don't know what kind of advice to give.

 

But no doubt about it, this is an emotional affair. If you feel like you need to hide it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

If you were in the position to sleep together, would you jump at the chance, or would you put on the brakes?

[kellbell]

Okay...keeping another member's breakdown of cheating...it is very simple...(thank you Shes2Smart

 

It is not cheating IF your partner knows what you are doing and is okay with it....

 

It IS cheating if your partner knows about the situation but is NOT okay with it.

 

It IS cheating if your partner does not know about the situation at all...(lying, sneaking, anything that would hurt your partner).

[RayKay]

It is not cheating IF your partner knows what you are doing and is okay with it....

 

It IS cheating if your partner knows about the situation but is NOT okay with it.

 

It IS cheating if your partner does not know about the situation at all...(lying, sneaking, anything that would hurt your partner).

 

I ditto that.

 

Is this an emotional affair? In my opinion, it is. It's not just about the time you spend together, it's about the "intent" I think as well. I think this is at a level beyond mere friendship if there is that element of secrecy there.

 

The fact is, you aren't the same gender, you aren't gay, and those are not variables that even matter. For the record, if you were being sneaky, and being rather betraying to your relationships even in those scenarios, I would say it was not a healthy friendship and not fair to your relationship.

 

Even if nothing HAS happened physically, I think this is dangerous territory, especially if coworkers have taken notice of it as well. I think she likes your attention - whether she is actually looking for more or not, I don't know, but I definitely think this is beyond pure friendship.

[Süsser Tod]

You've been frienzoned BIG TIME! So even if you develop feelings for her, she is not going to correspond them.

[i love grapes]

We have had opportunities to "sleep together" and we almost did until we came to our senses. Now we try (without talking about it) to minimize any kind of situation where this could occur. ie: avoid alcohol....

i agree this isn't fair to our "others" but she seriously gives me something that my "other" just can't or won't address. I want to enjoy my life and not be cut off from things pleasurable or meaningful on account that it might be cheating etc. There are many attributes that jane has that i really wish my "other" had, but she never will and I'm stuck with it.

I've tried dropping Jane from my life a number of times and she has resisted and even started crying.

I don't know about the "friendzone" thing - it's a theory I've always thought was BS because before I was attached I pretty well slept with every female ive ever been friends with so ....

Regardless, if I were "friendzoned" with Jane then that would actually be welcome and would take some of the pressure off. How does one know?

[kellbell]

"I've tried dropping Jane from my life a number of times and she has resisted and even started crying."

 

Well, I do not think this is a good enough reason to continue on like you have been. She will get over it, stop being her "rescuer." I feel really bad for both your significant others. If neither can give what you guys need and the both of you can...then it makes sense to break up with your significant others and be with one another. Your significant others deserve to be with people whom are 100% committed to him/her. IMO, what you are both doing is cheating. In my experience, emotional cheating hurts like hell. All cheating hurts but IMO, it is the worse kind.

[RayKay]

If you feel that way about your significant other, maybe it's time to either work on, or leave that relationship, rather than look for ways to fill the "voids" and move on and find someone else whom is available (ie not Jane unless she is ALSO broken up with her significant other).

 

Just a note....Jane will also seem more "perfect" for what she is not right now - mainly your other. Don't let the fantasy and escape from your relationship also cloud your judgement.

 

Not everything pleasurable and enjoyable in life is cheating, but this very secretive "friendship" IS. That's really not fair to anyone involved.

[i love grapes]

Just a note....Jane will also seem more "perfect" for what she is not right now - mainly your other. Don't let the fantasy and escape from your relationship also cloud your judgement.

 

 

This is food for thought, thanks Raykay. That thought had been lurking around in my sub-conscious for a while....now it's in my consious

[Cadence308]

I think you want it to be more than just friends with Jane. It seems as though you do have a good friendship...it's an emotional affair. I agree that if your significant other can't give you what you need and want in the relationship and you are desiring Jane, get a divorce. I do feel bad for both of your significant others. It is cheating because neither of your partners knows the extent to which you and Jane spend time together and sneak off together.

[mom2be]

My husband is doing the exact same thing you are currently doing to me. Actually as I read your post I sit here and think this is probably what his work day looks like...Probably what he has been doing for so long behind my back.... You are not being fair to anyone. Not even yourself.

 

You are hurting a lot of people,,,,and so is she.

 

This is coming from someone who is currently going through this...I am devasted by my husbands actions and of his excuses of why this friendship has developed.

[ranlian]

coming from the male perspective, yes this is emotional cheating.

 

my ex-fiance became really good friends with this guy, but then they eventually got 'together'. anyway, it has turned into a messy love triangle but this is exactly the kind of male-female friendships that i don't approve of.

 

i'm not saying that my ex isn't allowed to have male friends. it's just that she can't have male friends with whom she would confide more trust in than with me.

 

i guess it doesnt' really matter since we're broken up now.

[Rabican]

You said yourself that it isnt fair to your SO, I do think its cheating of a sorts... and definitely not fair to your partner. You are putting a good portion of you, your heart, feelings, trust, effort etc. etc. into a girl that is NOT YOUR PARTNER. I think you need to really cut back on this friendship, maybe even end it altogether. Unless that is you are ok with being a 'cheater' If the situation were reversed how would you feel?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

This certainly is cheating.

 

As with all affairs, even if you ended it now before it escalated to sex, the damage has been done because it's something you will have to carry with you - a secret.

 

Secrets = distance in relationships.

 

Distance = Death.

[nottoogreen]

This is food for thought, thanks Raykay. That thought had been lurking around in my sub-conscious for a while....now it's in my consious

 

So please tell us more how you feel about your other.

[Josh411]

I'm currently in a very similar platonic relationship with my beautiful female coworker, Paula, so your story really resonates with me. I see ourselves in almost all of the situations you listed, with a few differences perhaps. The main difference is that our story is only a few months old, and you and Jane have been "together" for four years now. Other than that, Paula and I are in stable, relatively happy relationships, so our situation is a little puzzling, and definitely risky.

 

Things have been evolving fast so far between Paula and I: every couple of weeks or so, we seem to be getting closer. So I am wondering how, after four long years, you and Jane have been able to keep your love platonic. How have you been able to resist the "temptation"?

 

Have you actually told her about your feelings? Has she told you about hers?

 

I would very much like to share some thoughts or impressions with you about this, as I cannot talk about it to anyone I know. Every week that goes by, I feel like am treading into this unknown territory.

 

I've read quite a bit about emotional infidelity on the web, and am conscious about its consequences, and yet, cannot distance myself from her: first, she's the most attractive person I've ever been romantically involved with; second, my relationships have always been very one-sided, one person being much more interested in the other one, at least at the beginning, while here, I feel that we are both in tune, strongly drawn to each other from the start, yet restrained. For me, this is finally the realization of my quest for a partner who truly likes me as much as I like her. For that reason alone, I just cannot let it go so easily, and want to get as close as I can to the "line".