Reassure me about NC

[blender]

Iceman, she knows you are "there" for her, but only YOU can define, "how" you are there for her. If she can actually "forget about you completely" well, than she is not THEE one for you. This is a crucial time for you to define where YOU stand, is it okay for her to call you in the future and just be "friends"? Honestly ask yourself, "how do I want to be defined in her life?" Ask yourself if you are willing to just be an "ear" for her or a shoulder to cry on, will it be okay if she talks about dating someone else, or just talks a bit and then hangs up till the next time she can throw you a crumb?

 

You are hurting right now, this is that time where we lose all perspective and we actually believe we have to "stay in their lives" no matter how much of ourselves we lose... and that is the ONLY option, well it isn't. In fact the best option is to ask yourself how you want to be defined in any woman's life whom you love.

 

You are a man worthy of a woman who can make a choice to involve you completely in her life, loving, kind, honest, direct, accepting, and committed to you as you are to her.

 

You deserve the "whole cake". If you accept only crumbs that is what you will continue to get... If she does contact you again, would you feel honestlly in your 'truth" to say to YOURSELF, "she knows how I feel about her, but simply out of self respect it's not okay with me to just be her "pal".. if she is interested in an "us" then let's work on it, if not, please god grant me the self respect to let go and accept this this loss and move on"

 

You are powerless over her, if you call or don't call it won't magically change her path right now... so at least you can have the self respect to be on your own path.. there is nothing more attractive than a man who has the confidence to set standards and boundaries for himself, by saying, "you know how deeply I feel for you, and this is not good enough for me, either we are an "us" or we are not..." I know you are not ready to say this to her, but perhaps you can say it to yourself during this day of "no contact". And perhaps you will actually start to live this, and know that you will find someone who has all her great qualities and more importantly respects herself and you enough to not be selfish and just "have you there to talk to"....

 

this is a tough time, but you will survive and thrive, just one day at a time right now with no contact. think any contact through and think about what it will accomplish and how YOU will feel afterwards... think it through first.. and be honest with yourself, if you are honestly okay just "being there" for her, and you won't feel even more pain each time she needs a "fix" of comfort from you.. well then go ahead and dish it out, but beware, it will take longer to heal... and meanwhile she is getting all the comfort and healing she needs.. what about YOU?

 

Is she agnozing over how YOU feel right now, what YOU might need to get through this? Is she wondering if YOU will forget her? Is she worried you might "need" her in your life? You are powerless over her feelings, and can only start this heartaching journey to find YOU, and what is okay for YOU.. in the long run.. and I don't think being a "buddy" to her is what you are looking for.

 

You're doing great, coming here and talking it all through.. everything you are feeling is normal, so many of us have been there.. let us know how you are doing..

[iceman85]

Blender your totally right, I just have days where I don't know if what i'm doing is right. Me and her just felt so right together, i'm not one to agonize over someone who mistreats me, but she just feels like she is the one and that what she did was terrible yes, but im sure shes really confused becuase her actions certaintly indicate it. I am going to stay strong with NC, everytime I get the urge I remind myself it wont do anything but set me back. I just have that hope there that things can be reconciled with us because it just felt so right. I look at other girls now and flirt and while thats nice their not her and thats what I think.

[blender]

yep, you are doing the right thing, and it's so painful isn't it? I too went through the strong phase of denial, only remembering my ex as "perfection" and we were so great together, but it takes TWO, and even though you are in so much agony right now, it's going to be okay.. if you stay strong with no contact she will start to "miss you as a boyfriend"... trust me, and if she doesn't then why would you be interested in her?

 

I know, I know, it's the memories of the good times.. but these are "feelings" and yes they are very real, but you have to give it time, and it's going to be tough, I cried for months, and months, and could barely smile or laugh..and any other guys just made it seem worse because I would compare them to my "perfect image" of my ex.. but that image was so far from REALITY, because in reality my ex and yours too, well they are making a choice to be without us.. and we need to remember this, and let your ex feel the loss too.. when we are so busy trying to "stay in thier lives, be the "good soul", well they never get to "miss you"... it will take awhile, and you have to keep busy with your life and building yourself up because when she does come back.. (and she will even if only out of curiosity) you will be in a stronger emotional place for having maintained no contact and working on improving yourself...

 

I've been there, and yes, my ex came back around, (eight months into no contact) but he was still "on the fence" but wanted/needed to see me (I had dreamed of this forever) but I made a choice to not respond to his contact, after all the pain I went through, I just knew that if he really wanted "us" he would have to say just that in order to get a response from me.. and if someone would have told me after the break up that I would actually get to self respecting place where I would choose to ignore his lame contact... I would have never believed them.. I thank god for all the heartache, I'm so much stronger, wiser, better, and ready for the right guy now, or even my ex, but ONLY if he's willing to make an effort towards an exclusive "us".

 

Trust me, she will miss you, just give it time, doing no contact is the BEST thing if you want another respecting shot at a relationship with her.. the respect starts with you.. for yourself.

[iceman85]

A little update

 

Right after I posted she sent me a text saying she was sorry for how everything went down between us. Then I went online and she imed me, i remained pretty cold and distant, i attempted to leave after letting her know i got the text and she got upset, so i told her if she wanted to talk then talk to me, she then said she wasnt ready yet and needed more time to think about what she wanted to say. So I told her when she was ready to talk about what she needed to then she knows where to find me and I left.

[ranlian]

whoa... thanks for all these forums.

it's been 17 days since i talked to my ex on the phone and she told me to wait a week while she sorts things out. and i'm still waiting...

 

no kidding this NC thing is really tough. my ex-fiance & i broke up in january and it's still 2 steps forward 1 step back. but blender's absolutely right... just be strong no matter how tough it is. resist the urge to check her AIM profile and anything that will connect you to her (i've gotta do the same too).

[DCMann2]

A little update

 

Right after I posted she sent me a text saying she was sorry for how everything went down between us. Then I went online and she imed me, i remained pretty cold and distant, i attempted to leave after letting her know i got the text and she got upset, so i told her if she wanted to talk then talk to me, she then said she wasnt ready yet and needed more time to think about what she wanted to say. So I told her when she was ready to talk about what she needed to then she knows where to find me and I left.

Try not to be cold and indifferent. Act friendly, but make an excuse to leave ASAP. Why'd you go online, anyway? You pretty much knew she would IM you, so maybe that's why you did it. As for me, I just blocked my ex on AIM (temporarily, of course. I'll unblock her at the end of the week). She needs to know that while I'll be around, I won't be around all the time whenever she wants to talk to me. I'm not going to sign in to myspace either, since I know she reads my bulletins and (probably) checks my page. If I disappear for a while, she'll (hopefully) think about me and what I'm doing, which is definitely a good thing. I'll be doing this little disappearing act frequently until the time comes to call her. I suggest you do the same.

[joyce1412]

you know, it sounds like your breakup is a very hot-cold, push-pull, "who's winning" situation. both of you are being, to a degree, manipulative, and seem to be so caught up in who has the upper hand. i think the most surprising and effective thing you could do would be to start acting mature, consistent, and polite, but distant. don't let her push your buttons, and don't cave when she tries to provoke you. and don't do the same manipulative things with her. this should shock her.

[iceman85]

I'm not trying to be manipulative one bit. I hate game playing, but when she texted me that she was sorry for how things went down between us I didn't know how to respond. I tried to keep my emotions in check. I've already said everything I need to say to her, its time for her to talk if she wants to. Thats why I didn't say anything. I don't want to be cold but I dont want to break down and rehash everything i've already said.

[ShroomzGod]

I'm not trying to be manipulative one bit. I hate game playing, but when she texted me that she was sorry for how things went down between us I didn't know how to respond. I tried to keep my emotions in check. I've already said everything I need to say to her, its time for her to talk if she wants to. Thats why I didn't say anything. I don't want to be cold but I dont want to break down and rehash everything i've already said.

 

You just have to be yourself and be friendly. I talked to my ex and we got into a fight. After we talked I could tell that she didn't care anymore and was totally bored with the conversation. So now I know to end it early and not get stuck in a long drawn out conversation. But one thing I didn't do was talk about the relationship. Try to keep your mind off of it.

[iceman85]

Thats what i'm doing I didnt mention the relationship. I was in total NC where out of the blue she sent a text message saying she was sorry for how everything went down. She IMed me online and asked me if i got it and i said yes, I didnt give any response and just told her I didn't know how to respond. I didnt want my emotions to spill out and I think she was waiting for it. I then tried to end it and she said um ok? Then i asked what was wrong and she said she wanted to talk, so i told her if she wanted to then to go ahead and she said she needed to think more about what she wanted to say. So I told her I did too and that when shes ready she knows how to get in contact with me and we said bye and I left.

[iceman85]

Gah Its hard not to wonder what she wants to say, its also hard to go back to NC.

[Iceman26]

Simple. Contacting them after they have broken up with you drives them away even more.

 

If they want to be with you, they will contact you. If they don't, well there is a whole world to explore and another person waiting for someone like you.

 

Personally, I've never understood laying around waiting for them to come back. Life is too short for that crap. If a woman didn't want me, fine, another woman will that will treat me well and ttreat me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

Best ways to heal are exercise, spending time with your friends and family, and to reflect on mistakes you made in the past and learn from them to make you a better person.

[iceman85]

I promised you all i'd update if anything came up. Well she contacted me again, this time online. She said shed been feeling down, that she ended things with the other guy, that she felt it was something that was exciting when we were boring. That she isn't sure if she still loves me. I told her that I wasnt sure about alot either, I told her we should take things slow and she said yes. We may be possibly meeting next week. While im happy to see some sort of breakthrough i'm trying my best not to get my hopes up. I dont want to get all happy only to be crushed again.

 

To be honest I dont know what to do from here, if any of you have any advice i'd really appreciate it.

[blender]

Okay Iceman, I'm going to be brutally honest, because I care, and yes, I could be way off, but I've been there and I really hope you are thinking this all through.. I'm sure you didn't think twice about answering her contact, but at least now you can put some thought into how to proceed... I'm only giving you these "suggestions" so know that we are all here for you, but it's always good to have an objective point of view.

 

Please before you see or speak to her again, try to separate your FEELINGS of loss of what you had "hoped for with her" from the FACTS:

 

you quoted her as saying:

 

"She said she'd been feeling down, that she ended things with the other guy, that she felt it was something that was exciting when we were boring. That she isn't sure if she still loves me."

 

(no one can compete with "newness" even in the best relationships the chance for somebody "new" is right around the corner, but mature relationships have a deeper understanding and they survive the inevitable "boring" moments because of love and commitment)

 

Well we know where she stands, she's had a "bad moment" and she knows where to go for her "fix" and that is you. She's also telling you that things have not changed since you've broken up at all... "she isn't sure if she still loves me".

 

So know you have to be very clear on where YOU stand before you risk your heart and emotions with her again. If you need more time to be clear on where you stand then do NOT see her yet.

 

Ask yourself some questions, write down the answers HONESTLY respond so you can have an emotional plan for yourself:

 

Is she trustworthy?

 

Do I respect her as a person?

 

Does she respect me? Do her actions show she has respect for me?

 

Do I see her as someone I can build an honest, loving, mature relationship with?

 

Do you feel good about YOURSELF when talking to her? After talking with her?

 

Are you only seeing her because you are afraid to accept the loss of what you had "hoped" for?

 

Can you see her as the mother of your children some day?

 

When you say take things "slow' remember you can NOT go backwards, are you ready to be less than a "couple"?

 

Wouldn't you feel better if she contacted you because she was 'happy" and wanted to share that happiness with you specifically?

 

Are you concerned or flattered that she contacted you when SHE was hurt by this other guy, and feeling "down"?

 

Did she contact you out of love for YOU, or for her own "needs" in the moment?

 

What specifically about the contact and conversation with her made you "happy"?

 

Are you listening to her actual words she said, or are you responding to your "hopes"?

 

After aswering these questions, see where the FACTS and your FEELINGS differ, this will help you know where YOU stand.

 

You also stated:

 

"While im happy to see some sort of breakthrough i'm trying my best not to get my hopes up. I dont want to get all happy only to be crushed again."

 

What breakthrough are you referring to? Is this "new" information from her? She was "feeling down" so she contacted you, hasn't she done this before? She's not sure if she loves you still, is that a breakthrough?

 

I'm sure you are happy to hear from her, but be careful and try to maintain no contact until SHE can state her intentions clearly and also that YOU know what your intentions are as well. This is the time for YOU to stand your ground and know what you are feeling and maintain no contact until she can actually have chance to "really miss you enough". Do not answer her calls until you have an emotional plan for yourself, putting all the pressure on how SHE might behave is not a good idea, this is about YOU right now, and how YOU feel.... you're just starting to heal and get back to YOURSELF, do not lose yourself to her whims of emotion right now, stay the course, and know that you can see her when you are good and ready... she doesn't sound "ready" right now, she just sounds "needy".

 

But yes, I could be wrong. I feel for you, it's so tough when the ex comes a calling, we just hope and think that if we can just get them in our arms again they will want to stay.... but they have to be coming back to your arms for the right reasons... and you have to know what your values/standards are for the relationship in your life first. Take care, let us know how you are oding.

[iceman85]

Thanks Blender your post is wonderful and really helpful, when we discussed the possibility of getting back together last night I was really happy because of how much I care for her. But there is so much that would have to be worked out, and just answering your questions above theres a few concerns, but I really do love her and if anything were to try and be rekindled I would bring up the concerns that I have with her and make sure they were met satisfactorily before anything seirous started again because in order for us to get back and be successful the issues that were making us crumble need to be addressed.

 

I won't be contacting her, just because she said all of this to me doesnt mean I will jump, if she wants to see me, or talk to me she needs to do it on her terms. Its just really confusing where you go from a point like this.