Pregnant & my fiance lives 10,000 miles away

[meadow8]

Hello all,

 

I have a big issue and I'm looking for opinions and advice. I have no one to talk to and need to hear other opinions. Here's my story:

 

Basically the shorter version of my story is that I am 32, engaged and just found out last weekend that I am pregnant. This has come as a surprise we were not expecting and are not ready for, the main reason being that he currently lives in Australia, I am in NYC. He was recently here on a 2.5 week visit in which we got engaged and started our fiancee visa planning process when I got pregnant accidentally. We had already started the paperwork, interviewed with a lawyer, etc. He is already gone back to Australia, I discoverd I was pregnant alone.

 

The plan we had decided on a month or two before this happened was that I was going to migrate to Australia, and we would live there for at least a few years until i got my citizenship. He has been with a company for 8 years, has a lot of stock options, and they are about to go public. The plan was to be there so that he could finish off paying loans and buy his stock options, and in a year we would be well and set, and married. I am financially secure with a house, good job, car, etc. but I was going to set it aside to be with him there. Then this bomb dropped.

 

We both want kids, but wanted to start in about 1.5 years, once we had time to live together as a couple and settle into life. We are very tormented now. I am completely split on what to do as I see pros and cons to both sides. I am 4 weeks pregnant max, and am not against abortion, but I also did want to have kids, love my fiance and plan on being with him forever. I am getting older and I wonder what if this time was rare, and going forward I have issues conceiving? I have several friends with issues.

 

He feels it's too soon, as I do, but wants me to do what I feel I need to do. He doesn't want me to have regrets and loves me and he will support me and do whatever he has to. If we decide to go for it, the plan will change and he will have to come here and give up everything, and I'll need to be pregnant for the majority of the time here without him. Because of immigration issues, I can't go to Australia to have the baby, first off because I wouldnt have health insurance, and secondly, they could send me home if i go on a visitor visa and outstay my terms of 3 months. I can no longer apply for a fiancee visa being pregnant, and a spousal visa wouldnt go through in time. And when he comes here, he won't be able to work so I'll be the breadwinner and helping to pay off any debts he left behind.

 

This has turned into such a sad time for us. We cry on the phone. We're tired and bickering and agitated and exhausted. We have to talk at opposite times of the day which isn't very flexible. I keep flipping back and forth in my head. I even had an appointment to terminate tomorrow morning, but now I feel I need more thinking time. But I do feel myself that we are not ready either. Yet I have always believed that things happen for a reason, so am I going against my own advice?

 

I'd rather be married, I'd rather be settled, I'd rather have time together alone first to build our foundation (we've never lived together, merely flown back and forth accross the world to visit for the last 1.5 years). We are very committed to each other. But I do not want to sabotage our relationship with so much stress so early on, jumping right into life with a child and no time with just each other. Yet again, I feel attached to the idea of having the baby as well. I'm VERY confused as what to do. But I do know that if I am terminating, I want to do it early.

 

I think my fiance is thinking logically and I'm thinking emotionally. Other perspectives are welcomed. Thanks for your opinion or advice!

[robowarrior]

Move FORWARD!

 

Life is precious, to give and to receive. Instead of crying over the baby, cry happy tears, because you have a precious child growing in you. There's no reason why you couldn't do all the things you have planned, yes its early but by no means there isn't place for this child in this world. Just take a step back, don't consider the child as an issue anymore ,and head forward as you planned.

 

Look, just get your stuff arranged, head to australia and be with your guy. (Have a back up plan if you needed to get back (just in case)). If you consider this child as unwanted , have it and then give it up to adoption, there are litterary thousands of couples in this world screaming and crying who cant have children and want to have a child like you. At least you could make one of them happy by giving away your child.

[meadow8]

Unfortunately as I said, I can't just go to Australia, especially not pregnant with no heathcare. Not to mention that I have a house, car, cats and possesions that I would need to sell/take care of first. And adoption doesn't speak to my issue. If I'm going to go through the pregnancy by myself and be with my fiancee in the future, I wouldn't then give the child away. You're correct though about stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, it's something we need to do more of. Thanks for your input.

[Jennster]

Wow that's a really rough situation...I can totally understand your predicament. If I were in your shoes I'd consider the abortion but then I'd also be worried about conception down the line...the risk of abortions ruining your chances to conceive is what would weigh heavily on my mind. I really hope you find your answer soon so your mind can rest.

[meadow8]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm still not sure...

[bubzley]

Hey.... i know almost how you feel. . . . . . .

my fiance lives 10,000 miles away too im in australia hes in england. . .

but the thing is were planning to get pregnant when he comes over in 8wks and hes staying for a month. . . . my best advice is this has obviously happened for a reason and well y dont you stay in NYC until the child is born and he just visits constantly of course it will be hard but if he comes and stays for a few months so youve got the birth of the child and the first month of its life with him there. . . and maybe look into the option of bringing the child with you to australia once its born. . . and just have him visit very reguarly then he wont have to give up his job and you wont have extra expenses at hand. . . but the choice is yours and his but yours mainly. . . word of advice, GO WITH YOUR HEART!!!