I cheated on my girlfriend, HELP ME!

[imadeamistake19]

I wrote this out yesterday, but I pushed submit and it I got an error and it all disappeared.. So here I go again. Sorry for how long it is, but I really need some advice.

 

To make this simpler, I will refer to my girlfriend as Q and the girl I cheated with as Z

 

Im 19 years old and I have been with Q for a year and a half. I have been in many relationships, and this is by far the most serious one and most rewarding one I've ever had. It started off as just a regular teen relationship, lots of infatuation, and we thought it was love. After a while, I realized that I truly love her. I truly believed that THIS is the woman I want to marry. We had a bond. As a matter of fact, it seemed like throughout the relationship, she loved me more, and gave me more attention than I gave her.

 

Anyways, Q leaves on trips for several weeks at a time through out the year. She will be doing this consistently based on her choice of education in university. She left this time to a different city, far away. As she left, our relationship was at its peak. It was at its absolute best. A few weeks into her departure, Z invited me to her home. Now Z is a VERY unattractive girl. I would NEVER date her, based on her looks AND personality. I have known her for years, and I simply went to her home because I figured it would be the last time I saw her (im moving). I've always thought she was boring, and I was always very reluctant to see her. So I went, and we talked for hours. She mentioned how she gave a guy an easy blowjob… I don't know how, but this aroused me a lot. I completely lost control of my sex drive, and I wasn't thinking logically at all. One thing lead to another, and she gave me head (shes had crushes on me from time to time). After I finished, I felt terrible and left immediately.

 

Q calls my house a bit later that evening, just to talk. I can't hold anything in, and I burst out crying and tell her every single detail, just as she asked. She seems very calm, she doesn't cry or get angry.

 

A few weeks later, after some awkward phone calls, Q returns back to her hometown. We decided it may be a good idea to break up temporarily, and become "just friends", until everything is completely settled. I greet her at the station with over 25 flowers, and the best poem I've ever written. She barely hugs me, and I take her home.

 

My feelings on this subject are EXTREMELY guilty. I have had severe suicidal thoughts, and I completely acknowledge this as the biggest mistake of my life. I cry routinely, and I have fallen into a deep depression. I would do ANYTHING to get her back. I have apologized to her countless times, and she is completely aware of the pain I'm facing.

 

Her feelings on the subject are a lot more calm. She never got angry at me, and she claims shes already forgiven me. However, she refuses to get back together with me just yet. I figure she needs more time. She says the best way to describe her feelings right now are simply "confused". She says her brain says to forgive me and let this go, because she believes I acted properly after and I will never do it again, but something in her heart is stopping her.

 

I think what I did hit her so deep, that she stopped loving me. I don't know what to do. She still wants to hang out with me and be around me, but its very dull since we are both quite sad. I don't know how to act, whether to act like a cheery friend to try to keep her happy, or should I give her a lot more space so she can think clearly, or if I should act like a friend that has a crush on her (keep giving her flowers, doing sweet things.)

 

This is somewhat new for me, because usually I am an emotionally strong guy, and I don't get depressed too easily. This whole situation turned me into a whiny * * * * *. I am extremely concerned, and Im crying as im writing this. Will I get her back? What can I do to get her back?

 

:sad:

[yeawutever]

Easy, don't sweat on it!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have admitted you made a mistake which is the most important step in amending things. The next step would be to forgive yourself, constantly crying will not do it, you will end up in the male depression age gap esp. with suicidal thought. I'm 19 also and I would never want or even think about killing myself, that would be the cowards' way. You did the right thing in admitting to her what you have done and she took it on a mature level. You gotta understand that she's confuse now, which is rational, I'm sure she wanted to express out the hurt she's experiencing but she doesn't want you to see her hurt. Don't overdo it in your apologies, instead of getting her back, it'll drive her away and look you more deperate.

Have you ever thought of going to couseling yourself cuz having suicidal thoughts is the start of actually commiting it. Don't kill yourself for that, no need to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As for her, all there is TIME, she needs her space so she can sort out her thought and decide whether she wants to continue the relation or end it. Also do remember that forgiving doesn't really mean the person will get back with you. Thought she may have forgiven you, but she's not obligated to stay with you. If she were to get back with you, also understand there trust to regain and you may have to work on your health too.

[safeplay]

Sorry to hear about your story, well there is good news and bad news. The good news is that she still loves you; that just doesn’t go away. The bad news is the acted selfish by telling her what you did. If you are going to cheat why would you hurt someone you love in the process? (I'm not saying cheating is ok) the reason you told her is because to make your self feel better. Will you get her back? maybe in 4 years or so. The thing is when you cheat you create trust issues in the relationship, if you get back together now or ever you will always suspect her cheating on you, and she will remember this for the rest of her life, she may forgive you but she won’t forget. Think of it this way; if you go out of town and gets pounded by some fat dude because she couldn’t control the thing between her legs, I believe you would have a problem with that, and you will always remember that every time you kiss her or look at her only one thing is going to be on your mind. Believe me she is way more hurt then you. The best thing to do is completely break it off burn bridges before you drive yourself and her into insanity.

[imadeamistake19]

Holy crap, thats rough.

 

Two things I want to clear up: My suicidal thoughts have decreased over time, so I won't kill myself now. Thank you for the kind words Alice, but ill keep myself safe

 

In response to you safeplay, I appreciate the input. I don't want any sugar coated "everything will be ok" commentary just to make me feel better. Im not sure I agree with the fact that I told her to make myself feel better. As a matter of fact, I would have preferred to never tell her and let the guilt fade over time. I told her because I didnt want this relationship to be based on a lie. Also, I am quite comfortable sexually. If she went out and got pounded by some 'fat dude', and there were NO EMOTIONAL TIES, I would be angry, yes, but I would forgive and forget. I can guarantee that. I have a huge problem with affairs where there is love and feelings for the cheatee. If its purely a physical thing, I believe I could get over that if I saw remorse. One time, we even discussed "swinging", because it is PURELY a physical thing. Im not defending anything, and I understand that people have different opinions on the subject. But if you say, what would YOU do if YOU were her.. Well, I would forgive her.. So that example doesn't work for me.

 

It is very difficult to burn the bridges with her, shes all I got... Shes actually everything I have right now.

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

Like ailec said, it is very good that you admitted you made a big mistake. I think that what safeplay was trying to say is that if you made this mistake, and knew it was a mistake right away, telling her and hurting her may not have been the right move.

 

But then again, you should be honest with your partner. So, there are 2 different schools of thought on the subject of confessing an affair after it's done and over with.

 

I agree with ailec. just give her time, space. definitely go talk to a therapist. Let me assure you, you're not the first person to make a mistake like this. You are young and your hormones got the best of you. Now you know better and I bet you'll never do it again.

 

definitely, sign up for some counseling, they may help you get perspective. good luck

[generaldiscord]

See a counselor about the suicidal tendencies, because that's a problem, and you need to fix it.

 

It's not her job to be your girlfriend. Don't harass her until she's ready to be back with you, and definitely don't try to guilt trip her into getting back.

 

Apologize to the ugly and obnoxious girl who gave you a blow job, because you knew she had a crush on you, and she deserves a phone call.

[arcadefire]

I'm glad you acknowledge and feel extreme remorse over what you did. It's ultimately up to her whether she can see pass through this. I wouldn't give her anything or call her or talk to her over this. She is feeling extreme pain and it will take a lot of strength on her part to forgive what you did.

[tina-rocks]

The situation you have found yourself in is not an easy one to overcome.. I think you did the right thing in telling her as any relationship which is based on lies is unhealthy and usually leads to heartache in the end.

 

Give her the space she needs so that she can recover and perhaps make a decision looking at it with fresh eyes. At the moment she will be still angry. Maybe not showing it to you but I can guarantee she is at the moment.

 

Space is what's needed and in the meantime just keep yourself occupied with other things. It's good that you are feeling guilt as it will help you to remember not to make the same mistake again.

[Odwallajuice]

I'm sorry but your biggest mistake here is obvious-- you actually TOLD her what happened. What a stupid and idiotic move. I know a lot of people here will be commending you for this action.

 

But it's a bad move! All it did was make her feel like crap and ruin your relationship.

 

You could have easily not answered or called her for a while, gotten control of yourself and blow it off as a 'mistake'. It's just a blow job. And if she doesn't know, then you would be happy together. Do you think this is the only time you would have cheated on her anyways? If you did this with an ugly girl, you don't think you would literally jump on the opportunity to bang a hot chick?

 

If anything, you should seriously consider learning how NOT to tell someone you love EVERYTHING, because that is when the * * * * storm breaks loose.

[Capricorn3]

This thread is three and a half years old and the OP hasn't been back since, lol.