Keep my boyfriend's trust and my ex's friendship?

[radical4peace]

Hi, I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months and we got really serious really quickly and we both felt like we found "the one." (I'm 23 and he's 25 and we are both pretty mature/settle down types) We'd talked about where we wanted to go for grad school, living together and just our future together in general.

 

I have an ex I dated in college and we have stayed friends and are pretty close. We had planned a visit for months and I had been talking to my boyfriend about it so everything was out in the open. My boyfriend let me know that he feels like an ex is an ex for a reason and that after a relationship ends, people should "cut all ties." I saw where he was coming from but it always seemed like such a shame to throw away a great friendship with my ex. When the weekend of "the visit" finally came around last weekend, my boyfriend flipped out and we stopped talking. Even though I have roomies and my ex was staying on the couch, my boyfriend was really hurt that I still followed through with the visit even though I assured him that my ex and I are just friends.

 

My boyfriend and I are just starting to talk again after "cooling off" but my boyfriend revealed to me that one night when he borrowed my laptop a few weeks ago, he saw lots of emails from my ex and this upset him. My ex likes to send out lots of articles to me and his other friends and I assumed this is what my boyfriend saw. But it turns out that one of the emails had the subject line "bikini" and my boyfriend went ahead and *opened* it. My ex had forwarded me this email from two years ago when I was studying abroad and was mostly about race relations in Brazil but also had some sexual references. I didn't really know what to think of my ex sending me that email and it made me feel a little weird about his visit, but I chalked it up to his weird sense of humor. My boyfriend was livid when he saw it but of course didn't mention it to me until now.

 

Is my boyfriend being unreasonable? Was I a * * * * * for having my ex visit? Do you think he will after trust me that nothing happened or I will ever trust him to believe me and respect my boundaries? I *really* want to save this -- HELP!

[Tigris]

You should tell your bf that what happened 2 years ago is all in the past. Point out to him that if you didn't love him you wouldn't be with him now. That it's your present and future together the pair of you should be thinking about.

 

If this behaviour gets worse the longer you're together then I think you may have a big problem. I do hope I'm wrong.

 

Good luck and take care.

[TheRock]

Would you like it if he had other women staying over at his place when he wished, and said we are just friends?

 

It seems very inappropriate to me to have members of the oppposite sex staying over at your place, especially if you had an intimate relationship in the past.

 

It seems he tried to discuss his uncomfort about this, but it was your choice to continue the visit even though you knew of his discomfort.

 

Is your boyfriend the priority or the old boyfriend. That is also your choice.

[Relationship Coach]

You are in a committed relationship and you need to consider his feelings. You made a choice that in my opinion was a mistake. Staying friends with your ex and letting him sleep at your place no matter what room he slept in crosses the line in my book. Turn the tables and ask yourself how you would feel if your bf remained in contact with his ex and she came to town and slept on his couch. There comes a time in a relationship when you have to put his feelings before yours. You say that you are serious, are you in love?

 

RC

[neallo82288]

just one question:

 

Why is the friendship with the ex- so important?

maybe there are some feelings of hope of a reconciliation?

You need to decide if there are feelings there, bedcause if there were not then why visit? Is the visit truly innocent? Does the ex undersatnd that the relationship is strickly platonic? From my experiences, once a relationship has gone intiment one or both partners are always looking for sex from the other. Even if neither are willing to admit it to the other.

[Siriana]

Yes, I can only say I agree with all the posters before me.

For me it would be a huge deal braker if my bf would be in close contact with one of his ex's.

That would look to me like we're dating in high school. It would be a sign that he doesn't want anything too serious with me.

So, probably this is why your bf is feeling hurted

[Cecelius]

Categorically, no questions asked, if my g/f's ex came to "visit" she would get promoted to the mobility pool immediately and I'd be in the bar working on a replacement without a second thought that night.

 

Seriously, though, no, this is absolutely and without a doubt off the farm in terms of being inappropriate. If your ex HAD to come to town to see you (which is wacky by itself) he should have stayed in a hotel, or you stayed with your b/f and done absolutely nothing with the ex where your b/f wasn't invited -- at best, that would have helped what otherwise looks for all the world like you trying to pull a fast one over on your b/f.

 

That email was just icing on the cake. Some people here will be tempted to say that the two of you just have different views on boundries and may not be well matched, but in my opinion this was pretty clearly something that most people would think was unusual.

[Rabican]

Talking to the ex is one thing. Sometimes that is ok, and sometimes not in a relationship. If you truly have no feelings for the ex... doesnt pull your heart strings, or drum up some crazy lusty feelings from the past, then id say its 'ok' to talk to him.

 

That being said.

 

Asking to have your ex boyfriend come and sleep over at your house when your current man is not around is asking for a WHOLE LOT OF TRUST from your new man. Ive been through this scenario, and it led to a breakup. Also the fact that your man wasnt ok with this, and you still went ahead with it... is throwing up a big red flag that your relationship (whatever it may be) with your ex, is more important than your current boyfriend. Not a good thing.

 

You have roomates, separate couch etc... but thats still over the line if ou ask me. You need to either cut ties with your ex, or come to some agreement... middle ground on what is ok to maintain with your ex. Contact is fine (maybe if your man is ok with it) but the sleepovers... not good.

[babybear]

My boyfriend, like you sees no problem in remaining great friends with his ex girlfriends, seeing as they were his friends before I knew him, I can hardly come in and tell him to cut the ties.

But one thing for sure is that I feel very much like your boyfriend and if my boyfriend even met up with one of his ex's alone at his house to 'hang out' i would end the relationship. If he had one sleep over I would definitely end the relationship and be distraught that he could be so careless towards my feelings.

You two both seem to have very different views of boundaries, maybe you would be better off with a guy who did not hold firm boundaries and thought it was OK to meet girls and ex's and be great friends and whatnot.

[tictactoe2006]

and I handled it thusly: Explained to my gf that whilst it was her choice if her ex was to visit and stay at her place, it was also my choice to continue the relationship after that point. And whilst it would hurt me deeply to cut and run, I would not hesitate to do so. It would be unreasonable to demand her to cut off contact with her ex, but jsut as unreasonable to disrespect your current relationship as well. She saw my point and agreed that it was over the line, and the ex wound up not visiting after all.