I need advice on cheating, help me get out!

[Oldboy]

Sounds like you each have well defined roles within the household that are bearing down on you at the moment. This is a classic reason for straying. It has happened countless times before. Is it really a big deal in todays society? Ask yourself this: Is your relationship with your husband now damaged for ever? Think of the years you had and the years you will have. This is only a small part of a lifelong marriage if you both choose it to be.... what are we talking about here ? a few weeks against a lifetime? You say he is your soulmate. Then you know him well don't you? Then you must know whether or not he will put your children first. He is an awsome father... your words. If he is then he will know that for the sake of your girls you both will have to communicate to fix this. Heather you cannot live with yourself if you do not tell him. How will you look into his eyes every day for the rest of your married life knowing what you know. I say this again nothing will blight the lives of your children more than the breakup of their parents marriage.

[heather33]

In answer to the above questions;

loved? absolutely

respected? yes

cared for? not always, but when I need him (like when I had c sections) yes

sexually satisfied? very

 

Thanks for all your insight. I am going to work on this in my head before I do anything else. I already got rid of the other guy and am working on my marriage. I do love him.

[nottoogreen]

In answer to the above questions;

loved? absolutely

respected? yes

cared for? not always, but when I need him (like when I had c sections) yes

sexually satisfied? very

 

Thanks for all your insight. I am going to work on this in my head before I do anything else. I already got rid of the other guy and am working on my marriage. I do love him.

 

Please do not worry about moral flaming here. No more b) is what matters. I am born protestant turned atheist and have faith in opening up all pains and issues to resolve them.

 

Just because me thinks you told not all.

 

Look at it again longterm, anything else that bothers you?

 

I keep drilling because unless you both are satisfied, a) wont work out longterm, and you'll fall apart.

 

Ever having thoughts of having missed out by having 3 kids, average husband, etc?

 

You say you are a strong Christian. If you are in love with your husband, why were you attracted so much to another married man? living a dream for example?

 

Please think and open it all up.

[doyathink]

Hi Heather, I have read this post over several times in hopes to better understand what YOU are feeling. As a women and mom I can completely understand the -feeling ignored, ashamed of the body imperfections, loneliness, deprived of attention, responsible for running the entire show by yourself-day in and day out, out of touch with the rest of the world, no life-just the mommy and wife, chef, maid, butt wiper, nose cleaner, joy toy, and on and on.

 

Every one needs to feel appreciated, loved, cared for and needed! You lack these feeling from your husband and thought you found it in another. There was a 'newness' with him and you felt special which is something that is lacking in your marriage. Do you and your husband have a lack of communication? Could you not tell him how you needed more, of him-the marriage and his time.

 

I certainly don't condone your actions however, this is what happens a lot when a marriage is taken for granted and you drift apart from one another. You do need more from him and seriously need to talk. I have been cheated on and it is a pain that never goes away completely.

 

If the tables were turned and he cheated on you would you want him to tell you? would you want him to keep it a secret or lie about it? What would you want him to do---than do that!

 

Talk to your paster,you could even make an anonymous phone call to get his opinion. Talk to God and ask for his forgiveness, ask for his guidance through all of this and seek his advise. You are not alone!

 

I wanted to add, sometimes keeping these kind of secrets eat us up more than just getting it out in the open and dealing with the issue. I know it sounds hard, he may leave you but keeping it in may be harder because with time, your actions are going to show something is wrong. Your guilt will be noticed in one way or another and then what?

[nottoogreen]

... If the tables were turned and he cheated on you would you want him to tell you? would you want him to keep it a secret or lie about it? What would you want him to do---than do that!

Second that doyathink.

 

Edited:

Haether, Rushed actions are the hardest to undo, please do not be rushed or feel pressured.

 

As only you bear the fruits of your deeds, the final decision is always yours.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Sorry, but I am going to have my pennie's worth here.

 

Hasn't there been enough deceit in this marriage thus far. Building a second life and attachment to another man. I think it is only right that you give him the respect and decency to tell him what you have done. Just imagine if it gets out from a third party, that would make everything worse than if you tell him now!

 

There is no building of a future until you confront the past, you will live daily in the knowledge that you betrayed the man you love and looking for the "missing qualities" of the marriage that "made you turn elsewhere" is the most mistaken excuse for an affair. It's down to a person's own need to fullfill their desire's.

 

I'm in counselling now as a betrayed spouse, my husband has had the balls to admit he was wrong and there was NOTHING I could have done better in our marriage to prevent it. It wasn't a physical affair thank God, just an emotional one that was discovered by myself, but the infidelity was there. If I had walked blind any further I think my soul would have been totally destroyed to find out at a later point.

 

No-one can tell you what's right and wrong, but you should think about the turmoil it would cause if he finds out regardless.

[Oldboy]

Right on Upsetwifeofone! Nothing will destroy a relationship more than deceit. Infidelity - sometimes, unresolved issues - maybe... continuing deception..BANG gone for ever... no chance. It's the pain of a continuing betrayal by a loved one that the relationship cannot suffer.

[yeawutever]

Right on Upsetwifeofone! Nothing will destroy a relationship more than deceit. Infidelity - sometimes, unresolved issues - maybe... continuing deception..BANG gone for ever... no chance. It's the pain of a continuing betrayal by a loved one that the relationship cannot suffer.

 

Indeed, how ever it is different when someone is bragging about cheating and how they got away with it, showing no sense of regret and when someone actually feels complete remorse over it and does not want to repeat that behavior. Some people can change. Honest is a good policy, but can't always be apply. Constantly saying "There was no excuse for what you did" or bashing the one who cheated and is really about it will do no good. After all that person is asking for help, for support.

[nottoogreen]

... After all that person is asking for help, for support.

 

And help she shall get.

[DN]

heather - I have replied to your e-mail, please check your inbox.

[avman]

All posts flaming and commenting on other members posts have been deleted.

 

Please keep this thread on-topic

[nottoogreen]

Ailec1987, methinks that Spectre and ssdeaston have perhaps been on the recieiving end of betrayal themselves and are venting. And why not, this forum is also a place to vent as well as seek advice. Are they seeking answers to their own betrayal and have they unrequited anger?

And Upsetwifeofone too.

 

Welcome everyone, we are here to listen and help.

 

Vent > release pressure > surpress problem

 

People vent

- Here

- Get drunk there

- Have a fling elsewhere

 

It is all the same avoidance of the issues. Venting is no use.

 

Solving the issues matter, proactively would be better.

 

Let's get to work

[yeawutever]

Yes, but if you're constantly venting, then it's not healthy!!!!!!!!!!

[nottoogreen]

Yes, but if you're constantly venting, then it's not healthy!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ailec, thank you, I edited my post to make it more clear. Venting is no use.

[sddeaston]

Who is constantly venting?

 

I am simply giving the advice people come here for. She posted because of something (wrong) she did. I think we CAN all agree about that. The situation Heather has found herself in is not due to anything that anyone but her has done. Why would the advice that she is wanting/needing be soothing to her? She made a mistake, and needs to take responsibility for her actions. Plain and simple. Kids or no kids.

 

You people (Ailec, avman, oldboy, and nottoogreen) have slightly more liberal views on this topic, which is fine...HOWEVER, I am PERSONALLY very against it (infidelity). I do not believe, either, that when asking for advice, that it is fair to have an expectation as far as the response. Advice is meant to help direct and guide one to do the right (or appropriate) thing. Why would those who are telling myself and spectre to "tone it down" expect us to be nice, and supportive. SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND...lets not forget the issue at hand.. (avman said something along those lines).

 

I would appreciate it if those of you who feel it necessary to de-merit my attempts at setting a wrong situation right, would kindly leave my posts alone. I can understand if I am being offensive, obscene, or very aggressive however, that is not the case. I am simply giving my advice for the current situation that has been brought to the attention of the community, whether it is soothing to her/them is not the issue, however.

 

Heather, how would you feel if your husband came to you years down the road only to reveal a sexual encounter with another woman years prior? How would you react? Would you feel betrayed..maybe? Maybe feel like the person who has proclaimed the endless and unconditional love...may have been stringing you along...for ALL THOSE YEARS? Just some food for thought. I know I would be devestated...not something I would do to someone who I LOVED. No matter how much being truthful with my S/O would hurt ME..I would, without questions asked, reveal my secrets. That is true love.

[yeawutever]

You people (Ailec, avman, oldboy, and nottoogreen) have slightly more liberal views on this topic, which is fine...HOWEVER, I am PERSONALLY very against it (infidelity). I do not believe, either, that when asking for advice, that it is fair to have an expectation as far as the response. Advice is meant to help direct and guide one to do the right (or appropriate) thing. Why would those who are telling myself and spectre to "tone it down" expect us to be nice, and supportive. SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND...lets not forget the issue at hand.. (avman said something along those lines).

 

Nope, I'm against it as well. In fact if you look on my early posts on this forum, it would just be criticizing the one who cheated. Just last year, everything I use to see everything black and white, now I'm starting to see some gray parts to it. Yes, cheating is wrong and is never the answer, but does this have to be repeated over and over again. I use to repeat this all over my early posts until I got tired of it already. Yes, she did cheated but she recognize it was wrong, wants to amend it. This is the purpose of this site, to support the people, otherwise many would already be leaving.

[doyathink]

To error is human, to sin and fall short, is also human. Sddeaston, a lot of what you are saying does make sense, however, I think it its the way you are portraying it that is coming accross a bit bitter. I think all of us including Heather will admit that her actions were wrong!!! Now she is trying to figure out a way to make her situation right again.

 

Until you have walked in her particular shoes, you have no idea of the decisions you would make. She needs to get this all straight in her head and figure out the best way to approach him with it. Nothing done in haste turns out for the good so while she is seeking others opinions on this matter the real issue here is how and when she can make this known.

 

You have good ideas you are presenting her with, it's the way you are going about it. Make sense?

[sddeaston]

Sure does. However, this woman is in the wrong and doesnt know if she is going to tell the man who she "loves" that she has betrayed him, and has taken him for granted JUST AS MUCH AS HE HAS DONE TO HER (recent issues she has commented on with feeling like she is not "seen"), which is the reason she claims she was "driven" to do this.

 

To me, her not telling him would be just as big, if not bigger of an infraction upon their MUTUAL vows. HOWEVER, that is just to me, and I am not saying that I am by default right. I am here to make a point, as are all of you. once again, I am not being obscene... Make sense?

[Iceman26]

Yes, she did cheated but she recognize it was wrong, wants to amend it.

 

First off, you can't "amend" an issue like this one. What is done is done, and it can't be taken back.

 

My advice is to tell your husband, and then see what happens. You sound like a basically good person, and if you don't tell him, I believe you will feel a constant guilt as long as you don't tell him

[sonjam]

Poor Heather. She didn't come here for all of you to tell her what she's supposed to do- tell or not tell, she came here to get advice about the way forward to FORGET ABOUT THE OTHER GUY.

 

Whether she tells or not, it is up to her, forgetting about the other guy is what she want's help with.

 

Heather, forgive yourself. That is the first step in being able to live with it. We all make mistakes, you are sorry, your family doesn't know, no harm done. Resolve to work on your marraige, and be the best wife you can be. Then go on with your life. What's done is done, go forward, .... and forgive yourself.

[pablovblack]

I think your problem is deeper than what you think.

 

Please read this article on Love from Khrishnamurti.

 

Please be open minded as to what he is saying, If you understand what he is teaching then If you love someone "properly" there would be no need to cheat, thereforeeee ask yourself this question of why you are cheating and are you really in love or are you fooling yourself.

 

This article blew my whole concept of love out of the window.

 

link removed

[nottoogreen]

Enlightening, thank you.

 

I have added it to my collection:

 

Here is a link with a buddhist perspective:

[pablovblack]

Enlightening, thank you.

 

I have added it to my collection:

 

Here is a link with a buddhist perspective: ]

 

Thank you too, a wonderful post.

[theantibarbie23]

I hate to be the one to bring this up but have you gotten yourself tested for STDs yet? I don't care what this guy you cheated with tells you, he could be a sesspool of disease. Even with protection you are at risk for certain things and yes some of them (like gential warts) can not be cured. If you haven't been tested you should refrain from having sex with your husband until you are. It not fair to him to unknowingly expose him to anything that could jepordize his health.

[yeawutever]

I hate to be the one to bring this up but have you gotten yourself tested for STDs yet? I don't care what this guy you cheated with tells you, he could be a sesspool of disease. Even with protection you are at risk for certain things and yes some of them (like gential warts) can not be cured. If you haven't been tested you should refrain from having sex with your husband until you are. It not fair to him to unknowingly expose him to anything that could jepordize his health.

 

Yea, that I agree, until you get tested and clear, do not proceed on having sex with your hubby. There quite a handful of STD's that has no cure.