Dealing with my wife's old flames

[cmd]

I have been married for nearly 6 years and have been with my wife for 13 years. We met in college. I was a virgin when I met her. I lost my virginity to her at the age of 22. She told me that she lost her virginity when she was 13. That totally floored me. I have been struggling with that ever since. I was always shy in high school and college and didn't really date much until I met my wife. I have to admit that the idea of some other guy touching her or being inside of her really makes my stomach turn.

 

 

I have incredible anxiety and worry that she is comparing me to her old boyfriends from so many years ago. She has kept several love letters from those old boyfriends in high school and juco, and, of course, I've read them. I've also seen pictures of her with old boyfriends (kissing). I have been having irrational thoughts and fears that my wife will leave me because I'm some how not up to snuff. She has told me a hundred times that I'm the best and that she will never leave me. I know the problem is really in my head.

 

 

I'm sure she rarely to never thinks about those old flames, but when her eyes are closed during sex, I wonder if she's thinking about them. Since she had sex at such a young age, what does that say about her? Does she value the fact that she was my first lover? Sex (making love) means a great deal to me, either because it didn't come to me until my 20's or because I can't see myself just screwing some girl. I can't quite tell with my wife. It's a very sore subject for me and I don't like to talk about it with her. Has anybody else dealt with this issue? If so, how does one move on?

 

 

I am so distorted that I've even had thoughts about ending the marriage because it's so painful for me. I question whether or not I can go on living with her. When I think about her having sex at the age of 13 (with a 19-year-old, by the way), I always think of myself as ineffectual, shy, naive, boring, scared, and unattractive. I'm currently seeing a therapist to deal with this, but I don't know if I can get past it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

ohmygoodness - you've just described me!!! Husband - is that you??

 

I'm kidding...

 

but seriously, I strongly suggest you don't harp on this with her until you're a bit better off with it all, as you could drive her away.

 

Stay in your therapy. If it doesn't work after a year or more, seek someone else, but often therapy can take a while.

 

I have to say though, my husband has told me several times that he enjoys the fact that I was "experienced." It's all about your point of view.

 

Try not to judge her too harshly. In all honesty, I'm quite ashamed of my past depsite my husband's attempts to console me. She may feel the same.

[RayKay]

I can say in all honesty, she probably does NOT dwell on those past boyfriends, while she may wonder how they are doing time to time, she does not compare you to them. Whom she was at 13 or 14 is no where near whom she is now, or even whom she was when she met you.

 

Another point to remember is that having sex that young is often not out of love, but insecurity, low self esteem, low self confidence. They are not times she will remember fondly in most cases, or be things she is terribly proud of.

 

 

When her eyes are closed it is to enjoy the feeling of being with you, not to imagine someone else. The letters and pictures, as long as they are not on display, are probably forgotten about. I have the same, just as they are part of my past memories (and my boyfriend has some too) but I only come accross them once in a blue moon, they are just there. Part of a distant past. It's my boyfriend my heart belongs too, whom I think of with great love, whom I share my body with.

 

I would say continue on with the therapy, it's a process and won't fix years of feelings that have been built up in one or two sessions. And realize this is probably a bigger issue of insecurity and self esteem on your own part, rather then about her past.

[nottoogreen]

You are 13 years together and you worry about what happened 20 years or so ago (assuming you are similar age).

 

How long do you know about her situation?

 

How about your relationship with her - excepting the above issues?

 

Do you have kids?

 

How is your sex life?

 

Is she is your only woman?

 

Would you like to experience more women?

[eyeswideopen]

I would keep this conversation specifically between you and your therapist for now. You're wife has reassured you, has been married to you for 13 years, and still has sex with you.. there's not much else she can do. It sounds, with the little info you've given, that you've got a good thing going. Ask these same questions to your therapist and see what they say.

[safeplay]

You should be glad that she has been having sex with other guy’s b4 u and not when she is with you. You have nothing to worry about. Just let it go, it was a long time ago she was young and stupid. If you keep thinking about that she will find you unattractive on the inside and leave you. Think of it this way, you got your flag in there now and everyone else may want to also, but they can’t have it.

[friscodj]

Oh come on, no one can read minds. Who knows what she's thinking about during sex? And she'll probably never tell you either...

 

What you've got to hold onto here is this: your wife could have been with these other guys, or pursuedbe pursuing them, but she chose by her own free will you. That means she wants you and not some illusion of you like she has with these other dudes... No one is forcing her to be with you...you're her guy...

[cmd]

My wife and I started dating in the fall of 1993. We met in late spring of 1993 and formed a friendship during that summer. I think I fell in love with her before that though (I think she fell for me too). We have no kids. She and I don't really want any. She knows I've had problems dealing with her past. There was a time during the mid 90's (when I was in grad school) that she thought I didn't want her because I made some comments about how I didn't agree with her using drugs and having sex at such a young age (she was a wild child). I lost my virginity to her but she is not the only girl I've been with sexually. She does not know that. I'm not even sure if I've told her that I was a virgin when I met her. I think she probably had some suspicion that I was a virgin. At any rate, I didn't want to live my life having had sex with only one woman, so I decided to hire a prostitute when I was in Vegas. I used protection and have no STD's. I hired another prostitute in my home town (and used protection as well). I then had sex with a couple of other girls in town (can't even remember their names). No sex has ever compared with what my wife and I have shared. I have not cheated on my wife since we've been married. I'm not really proud of what I did, but I actually feel very justified in having had those sexual experiences. I felt as though I had waited so long that I was entitled to experience the world. My parents were very stern, overprotective people who made me feel as though I didn't count. I suffered from severe depression as an adolescent and had a suicide attempt at the age of 16 (which no one knew about). I did not seek psychiatric help until my late 20's. I have consistently felt unwanted, unattractive, lonely, shy, stupid, and boring since I was about 13. My wife looks back on her childhood with great joy. I, on the other hand, look back on my childhood with disdain, anger, resentment, sadness, and longing. The reality of my situation is that I'm an above-average looking guy with a Master's degree and a good job. My wife is beautiful and a talented artist. I know she loves me with all her heart. I actually have a very good life. It's amazing how I can stil obsess about my past and her past and feel totally devastated every time I think about the inequities I see between them. There was a time recently when I thought I had gotten past this, but my wife and I had a disagreement and everything came crashing down on me. We were talking about the recent trend of sexually provocative fashions that teen girls wear. I made a comment about how "we are teaching our girls to dress like * * * * * *." Well, that made my wife mad and she told me that I offended her. This led me to start thinking about her when she was a sexually active girl, and I again felt devastated. There is something there on her side of this issue that leads me to believe that she indeed did have self-esteem problems as well. But she was a very attractive teenage girl and had lots of boys notice her. I think that was one of the ways she sought acceptance and popularity. I do feel jealous of her though. She got to be rebellious, have sex, try drugs, and be the life of the party when she was a teen. My rebellion as a teen was usually solitary (shoplifting, looking at porn mags and masturbating, and choosing to be asocial). I had several friends in school, was a starter on the football team, and did well academically. That may sound great and all, but the problem was that it was never enough. I was/am very perfectionistic and if I can't meet my lofty goals then I get very depressed and beat myself up. I hope this lengthy entry gives you all some insight into me and my life and that maybe someone can give me some advice on how to conquer this problem.

[friscodj]

Regardless of the "what happeneds", "whys", "what ifs", etc. right now, she is with you. She is sleeping with you. She has stayed and built a life with you. Focus on these facts and I think you'll be better off...

[nottoogreen]

Hi cmd,

 

Thank you for your open post.

 

Firstly, about the two of you, me thinks you sort of belong together. There seems nothing wrong between the two of you, except the issues you posted.

 

I see that we have a somewhat similar background. My childhood was complex with family problems, lack of friends, I used to be pretty upset when people had fun, I studied and worked and I had no women until landing an expat job in Asia at age 23. Plenty of women thereafter though.

 

Back to you, I think you resent her story because she had what you had not. You were sad, she was happy. Why I say this? because you are deeply frustrated about your childhood which shows as you even get upset about some pretty teen - even offending her, which is harder after all, she knows you for a long time! So, you are just jealous at her past happiness.

 

Thus, me thinks you are defeating yourself over your childhood which is after all just history.

 

You have a wonderful and seemingly quite compatible woman who loves you, could you bury your past frustrations for the future of both of you?

 

Even better, could you make her your buddy and talk to her about your jealousy and feelings and resolve them together? How about catch up on happy experiences together - hey, go to Amsterdam together, have some pot - it is legal there

[Cecelius]

I think that the therapy is the best thing for this situation.

 

If she is like a lot (in my humble experience) of girls who get into that stuff early, the reality is that she really, really does feel like she's won the lottery with you -- she was probably after that kind of acceptance from a very early age.

 

One thing though I would look at: do you think, in any way, that she treats you or gives you less than what she would have given one of "them"? If she's hot, doesn't gain a lot of weight, cooks, cleans, works, whatever, and is as active as you, then I say focus on the therapy and stay out of it with her.

 

No matter how bad a woman's past is, she will be hurt and eventually offended if she thinks her husband thinks poorly of her.

[Scout]

If she is like a lot (in my humble experience) of girls who get into that stuff early, the reality is that she really, really does feel like she's won the lottery with you -- she was probably after that kind of acceptance from a very early age.

 

To the original poster, I urge you to read this very carefully, and absorb what is being said here. It's so true, and your wife would probably feel deeply hurt if her past was still in the foremost of your mind. I imagine she feels loved and treasured by you, and your feelings/distrust would come as a very painful shock to her.

[teacup]

i ask you why you are fighting with shadows. for no man can win against the shadows but be consumed by their eternal torment.

[Scout]

Exactly, teacup. It's a no-win situation fighting with the past.

[Momene]

As someone who's been in a long relationship myself, I don't think of exes when making love. The girl accross the road? Well, sometimes, to be honest.

[xmrth]

I think it is a very good idea that you are seeing a therapist. It will take some time, but eventually you will learn to get these thoughts under control.

 

Something for me that makes insecurities like this go away are to think of how many other people are experiencing the same thing. Think about how no matter who you're with, you'd have this same problem. And try to focus on that-- don't think about the possibilities of having been with a virgin instead or anything.

So why not relax with the one you love who has never proven to be interested in anyone else?

 

The absolute BEST thing you can do is think of that, and stay positive about yourself. You can't control her thoughts, which are probably NOT way back when. I don't think she could compare you now if she hasn't yet. So, no strange behavior from her up until this point, right? If anything, you becoming more confident will make her even more strongly attracted to you.

[cmd]

xmrth, there has been no strange behavior from her. She has been very supportive of me and sympathetic to my pain. I must also say that I lost my grandfather in December '05 to heart failure, and I think I may be having difficulty dealing with his loss as well. It has made me think about my life, how I want to live it, and the pain of loss. My wife thinks that his death has influenced my depression as of late. She may be right. I told her that when I'm gone I don't want her to look back on me and think of me as her "basket case husband". She has ensured me that she doesn't think of me that way and that I am the man I always wanted to be (good, kind, fun to be with, generous, loved [just like my grandfather]). I saw my therapist yesterday and it was rough. I'm feeling better today. My wife is in good spirits as well. I am confident I can lick this thing. I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week and will most likely get back on antidepressants (they've helped me in the past). After doing so, I think my therapy will go much better and I will be more at peace with myself.

[babypink61]

cmd,

 

WOW, you sound EXACTLY like my current boyfriend! One of the biggest problems we have right now is that he is having trouble dealing with my past sexual experiences with other guys. And we've been fighting a lot over this issue. I've had more sexual partners than he did so I think in a way it made him feel very insecure and that he thinks I would compare him with all the other guys I've slept with. You have no idea how many times I have to reassure him that he's the one I love and having sex with him is way better than the other guys I've hooked up with. He views sex as something special that should only shared with someone you really care about and that you should not give it up just like that. We've talked about this issue many times and at the beginning it bothered him so much that he used to lose sleep over it! He even suggested that he go see a therapist but I told him not to. He's getting slightly better now but honestly I think he's never gonna be able to get over this. I can totally understand how your wife feels. I'm going to tell you what I would like my boyfriend to understand . . . everything is in the past, can't you just put it behind you? She's with you now and you are the only person that matters to her so why would you even want to think about the other men she's been with? Like everyone else said, she could've end up being with other guys but she chose you, that should mean something right?

[nottoogreen]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week and will most likely get back on antidepressants (they've helped me in the past). After doing so, I think my therapy will go much better and I will be more at peace with myself.

 

Antidepressants will temporarily help but the fundamental issue is the need for change in yourself. Without change, the brain will compensate and you are worse off than before.

 

I also think that it would be a good idea you email this thread to your therapist prior to the session.

 

Also researching about depression will be of benefit.

 

In any case, we are here for you.

[friscodj]

Antidepressants will temporarily help but the fundamental issue is the need for change in yourself. Without change, the brain will compensate and you are worse off than before.

 

This is so true...ultimately you will have to get yourself out of this and back on track.

 

Our society is so about finding the easy solution to problems, especially through the use of medication. I'd be very careful about taking those antidepressants. I'd suggest you get tough, do this on your own, and come out of it a better and stronger person with the help and guidance of therapy before you seek happiness in a bottle...

[Momene]

Don't rule out antidepressants but some have side effects. Prozac made me angry.

[nottoogreen]

Don't rule out antidepressants but some have side effects. Prozac made me angry.

 

It was not prozac, it was yourself.

 

Depression is a mental pain caused by prolonged imbalance of expectations and ability.

 

To make the pain go away, one must improve ones ability (do better) or reduce expectations so one is balanced.

 

Antidepressants (AD) surpress the pain. If the imbalance remains, the brain compensates for the AD to make the pain come back. Also prolonged use will reduce the effect of a given dose. That's why there are cases of "unexpected" manic behavior related to use of anti depressants. Without AD, these cases would not happened as the depression would not have multiplied unseen by being surpressed by ever larger doses of AD.

 

I was affected by and researched depression. I was depressed about working too much and taking care of three women in three countries. I remember when I tried ADs, at first I sort of laughed about that life is not that bad after all and how foolish it is to be depressed. But I did not change. Thus, after a while the depression returned. Then I stopped drugs and felt much worse. I am sort of a scientific mind and I experimented and figured it out and changed and felt fine after some time.

 

Thus me thinks, AD should only be used to complement therapy.

 

If it does not work, therapy does not work. AD only make it worse as you can understand on hindsight (we know now cmd used AD), by reading the OP.

 

So cmd, please watch your back, you are your only enemy.

[cmd]

nottoogreen, I would agree that I am my worst enemy. My depression hasn't always allowed me to see my world for what it really is. It has distorted my perceptions of not only myself but of my interactions with others. Intellectually I know all of the good things I've done and all of the good things about me. Emotionally I am hobbling along. I had a great weekend with my wife though, and I'm feeling better today. I understand all of the concerns posted about medications. I was on them before and experienced a lot of what you are all saying. I plan to request a low dose and continue with my therapy. I am very optimistic.

[nottoogreen]

... I plan to request a low dose and continue with my therapy. I am very optimistic.

 

I am confident you see things as they are and that it will all work out for the best.

[VeganBohemian]

I have the same problem with my boyfriend. He lost his virginity early on with a much older woman. He has had so many dates, gone to so many parties, and has had a very social childhood. Ironically, he is very much a loner now. He also got better grades than me. He played on sports teams and was popular. He was also the cool, weird, eccentric kid. He was everything. He got all As while I barely graduated because of emotional problems (not intellectual ones! I get good grades now in college). Anyway, I feel very inferior, inexperienced, childish, and unrelatable to him at times. I was an awkward, anti-social, severely psychologically messed up, and overall uncool and unliked by my peers. I was fat, "dumb", and weird. I lost weight and turned my life around now. But, in school I was picked on and harassed so bad.

 

When he tells me all of these stories about when he was a kid, I get so insecure inside. I know it is my own problem and that he really does not compare me to anyone nor himself.

 

It is in your mind most likely, that she is comparing you and judging you. She married you, did she not? Therapy and medication will help you. Good luck!