What's wrong with being friends?

[Sobo]

OK, so she called again tonight, I was having a bad day. The day before she called too, I resisted that time, but not this time, we talked of course she started with the whole, "i just wanted to see how you were doing, etc" I ended up trying to talk about us etc. The in the end I said it will be better if we don't talk, have a nice summer...

 

Now I can't fall asleep, and I am thinking, what is wrong with being friends, i mean it will be better than not seeing her. I mean as long as I can not think maybe we will get back together, I don;t think we ever will, well not for the next few years anyway... so what is wrong with being friends. We could hang out do stuff together, but not on the same scale as bf/gf like it won't be almost an obligation to see each other, if we can't , then we can't no one gets mad etc.

 

I did the whole NC thing, it went for like 2 weeks +, will it be that horrible for me to call her and be like listen i was thinking, maybe we could just be firends, but on a limited scale, I know her so well, we went through a lot, she could sorta be a best friend, could even be friends with benefits possibly... but with none of the drama of being "together" no buying gifts, no getting mad about canceling, i would still have way more time for my friends and family etc.

 

What do you guys think?

[dolphin_girl]

Me and my ex stayed friends after we broke up, we still are... I enjoy being friends with him, and I never really want that to change. However, it makes it really hard on me sometimes, 'cause I really want us to be back together... I don't really know your story, but before I made a decision to become friends, I would make sure that you wouldn't be hurting yourself in the long run... that you can handle just being friends and not wanting more.

[mikeca]

could you honestly be happy for her when she finds a new man? and begins to see you less and less?

[heloladies21]

It's normal for you to have doubts about your decisions at this point of the break up, but if you take a step back and look at other people's experiences you'll see that this is a bad idea to be friends with her. It'll prevent you from getting over her for real, you won't be able to give finding another girl the attention it deserves as a result, and if it did turn into a FWB situation, you will get hurt 100x worse in the end when she finds someone else who's serious about her (which she'll think you're not if you would accept a FWB or even a friendship to be honest with you).

[friscodj]

I believe that if there is any imbalance or lingering feelings either way, you don't have a true friendship. You have one person playing the friendship game hoping and waiting for more to come of it...

 

"Being friends" after a break-up is often misused and misunderstood. A lot of times people "stay friends" and use the "friendship" to ease the pain of the detachment of the break-up, the sudden change, ease the guilt of breaking someone's heart, etc. They often do it for selfish reasons...

 

In my opinion two people need to make a lot of distance between each other after the break up and sometime later ease into a real friendship if that's in the cards.

 

If you can't truly be happy for each other and have absolutely no ulterior motives when seeing the other person with another partner or talking about intimate details about the new relationship, you aren't ready to be real friends...

[arwen]

Hey sobo,

 

I think moving on is easier if you don't see the person you need to move on from. Would you be capable of having a friendship, if she moves on to someone else, while seeing you? I think you will probably be angry and ask yourself why she wanted to be friends if she was looking for someone else.

 

I think that before deciding you want to be friends, you should find out for yourself if this is in fact a way to attempt getting back together. Because if so, it's better to create a distance, and start healing.

 

Ilse

[Sobo]

See the way I feel is that it's better to be friends with her then not be, and lose a special person in my life (althought I am sure if I went total NC for the rest of the summer I could still easily be friends with her)

 

I don't know how I would feel if she started to like some other guy, and started to talk to me about it, I mean on one hand I would like to say great good for you, it wasn't going to work out between us anyway, and on the other I might think, geeez there goes my shot...

 

I guess what everyone here is saying,

 

A) if your over her and know 100% that there is no chance and I'm not expecting anything, than yes we can be friends.

 

B) it may be too soon so start being friends, I might be looking for something that isn't there, and get hurt in the process.

[majord23]

I guess what everyone here is saying,

 

A) if your over her and know 100% that there is no chance and I'm not expecting anything, than yes we can be friends.

 

B) it may be too soon so start being friends, I might be looking for something that isn't there, and get hurt in the process.

 

That's about it Sobo.

And if you *genuinely* want to be friends with her and aren't doing it as a way to reconcile, then i would inform her of your need to cut contact for a while.

 

Explain to her that you really value her in your life but you have to be completely over her before resuming contact - if she wants friendship as much as you then I'm sure she'll understand and be willing to wait until you're ready.

[Sobo]

That's about it Sobo.

And if you *genuinely* want to be friends with her and aren't doing it as a way to reconcile, then i would inform her of your need to cut contact for a while.

 

Explain to her that you really value her in your life but you have to be completely over her before resuming contact - if she wants friendship as much as you then I'm sure she'll understand and be willing to wait until you're ready.

 

Yeah, I cannot figure out what I want yet...

Part of me says it will be easy to be just friends, and not want to hug and kiss her all the time, but this is the same part of me that says "i can do that, when I see Brett Favre throw a 50 yard pass"

 

I guess it may be a tad too soon to initiate contact with her, it's not even a month yet since the break up. But i think I will call her and ask her to meet me somewhere so we can talk and I can tell her that I do want to be friends, eventually. But I will need some time to heal up first. B/c as much as I hate the fact that we are not together anymore, I would still like it if we still had contact and could talk to each other, maybe even become good friends,

 

Has that ever happened to anyone, you break up and in the end you guys are really good friends, or even best friends????

[Pikey1972]

Yip, I agree with everyone here - ONLY agree to be friends if you genuinely feel you can cope with friendship...i.e. without hoping there may be more.

 

I've been maintaining LC with my ex for the last few months (as "friends") - however, I heard today (through the grapevine) that he's dating another girl, and this news has hit me harder than I thought it would.

 

So basically, although I *thought* I was ready to be friends with my ex, I feel I've suffered a setback today. My ex has also stopped contacting me as frequently as before, and has stopped inviting me along to events / films etc.

 

I've now decided to go back to NC and get on with my own life so I don't have to hear what my ex and his new girl are up to...So I guess it was too soon for us to be friends...

 

Take care, and make sure you do what's right for YOU, and not what's right for your ex.

[Sobo]

Good point, I don't know how I would cope with that, and if right now we both don't have anyone, so we have more time on our hands, so we could hang out. Then what happens when she does become interested in another guy, and when I ask to hang out she says "sorry going out with Bob" I don't know how I will take that

[Pikey1972]

Yes, that's the crux of the matter - in theory, I thought I would be OK seeing my ex with someone else, especially as he'd said he would keep in touch even if he found someone new and that he valued our friendship.

 

However, in reality it's much more difficult...especially now that my ex has stopped contacting me...I feel slightly "used" but also know in my "rational" mind that I can't blame him for this as I agreed to be friends.

 

Agreeing to be friends with an ex is risky...so don't rush into things...

 

All the best,

 

Pikey

[friscodj]

And I have a fundamental problem with using "friendship" as a consolation for a failed relationship. That motivation seems misguided and doesn't do justice to what real friends should be...

[toughtime]

I COMPLETELY AGREE!

 

The weird thing is that I did not about a week ago! My ex and I broke up one month ago and I thought being friends would be good. I do want good things for him especially since our breakup ended in good terms and we really do respect each other.

 

But then I also realized that we were never really friends to begin with...we did not have enough time to build a friendship (5 months) and we were never friends before we had met.

 

I also realized that to be REAL friends you have to be able to not feel hurt about a lot of stuff..you cant have any expectations out of that person like you did when you were in the relationship.

 

On top of that say that person wanted to go out with his friends to meet another girl..could you handle that?

 

Right now, I dont think I could just b/c it has not been long enough...but you are right..no contact for some time..and then maybe a friendship can develop.

[toughtime]

I also think that it depends on the relationship too though...

 

My first bf and I dated for 5 years..he was a bad bf but has a good heart and is a good person. In the five years though..we did develop a really strong friendship..

 

I ended it with him b/c I did not like the way he was treating me as a gf..and when we broke up, we both wanted to be friends.

 

He has moved onto someone else and it does not bother me AT all..I had also moved on. I dunno if it hurt him but he was happy for me.

 

I know he has some issues with the whole thing b/c he would not openly ask me about the current bf like I would ask about his relationship but I knew that he was happy for me.