Textual relationship!

[Upsetwifeofone]

Hi there.

 

I am writing because on the 9th April, I discovered by chance that my husband had been having some kind of relationship with another woman. He was downstairs and his mobile phone was in the bedroom, I thought it was a work call and discovered a picture message of some other woman's nether regions. I started to shake as I went through the texts and discovered he had sent her a txt the previous day asking how to make her wet. I'm standing with my heart beating a thousand beats a minute, feeling sick and so hurt. We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and I thought we were solid.

 

I'm 30 weeks pregnant now with our 10th child and had hoped that we were together for life.

 

I confronted him with it and he sat stunned saying it was a laugh, a misguided text that was sent to him by accident and he did the laddish thing. Like a fool I believed that at the time, but I tried to get him to call/text her in front of me to say the joke had gone too far and he exploded with anger, a small scuffle over the phone happened and he eventually smashed it to pieces.

 

I kind of left it at that until his mobile bill came in, which, I shamefully stole and there was her number 69 times in that months period, 1 text sent the day after. I called the number and discovered her name and later sent a txt myself asking her why.

 

After a few days, and no reply I sent another txt asking her who the hell she was and did she sleep with my husband, she sent a txt back saying she didn't know him, so when I replied "LIAR", she decided to give me her bull. She said they had only known each other a few weeks, they met in a pub, she started it and was really sorry, but no she claimed she didn't sleep with him.

 

So ok, I fall for this cr@p until she told me the last they txt was the 20th, only once but he promised me.

 

So I set to investigation mode, I check everywhere for previous bills to which all the call records are missing. I obsess at every message that comes in. Then on the 19th May, whilst genuinely clearing up, I find an Aug/Sept bill and a Nov/Dec bill, both with her number. Aug/Sept another 68 txts and Nov/Dec 119, some whilst at home here with me ant the kids.

 

He won't give me any explanation, just gets angry with me.

 

I've resorted to buying information from the internet, one of which lists every woman called Tina in our area, of course, those with phone numbers I have been calling and listening to the *woman's* voice, I'm pretty sure I have found her too.

 

What can I do to move on?

 

I have self harming issues from a teenager and confess that all this has put me in a very unstable place and I have been doing it again. I'm not eating and just wake each morning with this whole thing on my mind.

 

Thank you in advance for anything you may suggest to help me through this, I just can't cope with lies anymore, I need the truth to move on

[yeawutever]

Even if they didn't sleep, he still emotionally cheated on you and if he's not willing to give you a full explanation of it, then there would be no use of working it out. He has to relaize he broke your trust with lying, worst is lying about cheating and that it's gonna take a while to earn it back. Not until he admits his mistake, then both of you can go to counseling.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Thanks Ailec, that's what I have said, he just wants to "forget it" and move on. I am trying so hard to figure out where I went wrong and my friend say's I didn't, but all I recall is everything being normal.

 

I recently said something about an event that had happened ages ago, but he claimed not to remember, even though I know he did, this made me upset because all the time I'm thinking he must have been so pre-occupied with her it didn't register.

 

Just like I can't help but think that was it *me* sharing his bed or thoughts of her.

 

Please just tell me it's normal to have so much doubt. Great combination, hormones and insecurities of pregnancy mixed with infidelity.

[annie24]

I don't know what you're supposed to do if your husband won't acknowledge this affair, sexual or not, SOMETHING is going on.

 

Will he go to counseling with you?

 

It is one thing if he cheated and wants to work things out. Another if he won't do anything about it!

 

I think you should contact a divorce lawyer if he won't go to counseling with you. Think about a divorce. At least listen to the advice the lawyer has to say to you. They may know a few resources to save the marriage before pulling the final plug.

 

good luck

[yeawutever]

Yes, at a point where you're pregnant it's absolutely normal to have doubts, even think of the worst. He wasn't honest with you and the fact that he just wants to forget it's like telling you to just turn the other cheek around so he could maybe do it again or even proceed further. You must be firm on this and inform him your trust has been broken and unless he admits it, either you separate or he leaves. If this continues and still he doesn't care, then divorce would be it.

[Lady Bugg]

Wow....this is a toughie. I agree he needs to admit to it..otherwise he thinks he's done nothing wrong. You have 10 children together.....thats a LOT of sorting out and history together.

 

My advice: Tell him you don't want to go through life being suspicious..and you deserve the truth. Stop looking for "evidence"....and give him an ultimatum. Be strong and calm when you have this conversation...but be ready to hear the TRUTH. No matter what stay calm. We all have our personal boundaries..and cheating is one line some people will not tolerate being crosssed. Allow him to tell you whatever you need to know. At this point it is up to HIM to earn your trust back...no matter what that includes.

 

The stronger, calmer and in control you appear the more likely you will get cooperation.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Divorce isn't something I would wish, call me a mug but my husband is my world and all I want is a bit of truth. I know it sounds completely daft, but even if they slept together, as long as he is honest and truthful about it, I can work on things.

 

I found a lovely quote a few weeks ago which I use as my mantra each morning..."No-one can go back to start a new beginning, but we can work on building a new ending"

 

It kinda smacked me in the face as we won't be able to start afresh from this, we can only really work at making sure that the end is ok.

 

I love my husband but just need him to realise that for me to be able to work on some kind of recovery, I need to know what happened, no matter what it is they did together.

 

I do know for sure though, if the boot had been on the other foot he would have walked out on me, guess that says mountains in itself *sigh*

[AwdreeHpburn]

Upsetwife - you have (almost) ten children???!??

 

You have WAY too much to worry about/deal with and DO NOT need this from him.

 

I've only been married for 8 years, not 14, and have only 3 children, not 9, but I know that 0 kids or 100, married a month or 20 years, what is he doing is wrong and your time would be much better spent in marriage counseling than playing detective.

 

You have enough "proof."

 

If you were my sister, I would INSIST you move in with me but as you're not and I don't know the particulars of your situation...I can't suggest you leave.

 

But if it were me, it would be ultamatum time. Stop it now or XXX... whatever will do the trick.

 

You have way too much invested here for him to be messing with.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yes, yes it does. You're letting him off too easy and you know it because you know he wouldn't let you off that easy and you are OK with that!! Why are you OK letting him off that easy?

[Lady Bugg]

Well...I definetely think she needs to know the truth EITHER way....it is up to her what she decides to do with that information.

 

There are some things you need to ask yourself: Are you REALLY going to be ok with what he did? Can you trust him again? Do you want to live your life looking at his phone, or checking for phone numbers, checking for lipstick on his collar.....etc.

 

Here is another thing: This is the time you caught him. Do you think he may have been doing this your whole marriage or are you willing to believe this is his FIRST time?

 

This requires soul searching....what can you live with?

You posted some quotes..well here is one you might want to add to your list:

 

trust is like a mirror...once it's shattered you can piece it back together..

but the way you see things are forever altered..

[AwdreeHpburn]

I like that quote ladybugg!!

[onmyownagain]

He obviously knows he can get away with what she likes as she is a walkover! He doesn't need to tell her anything because he can do as he pleases, she will let him do as he wishes as long as he stays with her. Sad really

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree onmyownagain - it IS sad. And he WON'T tell her because she's not demanding it or taking any actions that tell him she's serious enough....

[Tigris]

I'd like to know the ages of your other children please and do they all live with you?

[Lady Bugg]

What do you guys expect her to do? She has children to consider..not one..not 2...not 5...6..but almost 10!!!! I hate to see someone stuck in this situation, but it can and DOES happen. I am not advocating divorce...but definetely counseling.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I said counseling too Ladybugg

[Upsetwifeofone]

Ok, what I said is probably uncomrehensible to most but yes, whatever the truth I can hear let alone work on. I was brought up with lies and deception, not knowing my true paternity was one that came to rise after my father (step) died when I was 15. I had a relationship after that which was serious in which he was serially cheating with his ex partner and they conceived their first child during that time.

 

BUT I do believe this is the first infidelity my husband has committed and know for sure that before June, NOTHING was going on.

 

Don't get me wrong, to get the truth and work on a new chapter does not by any means mean he will be getting off lightly, I know that a confession will be part one of the punishment process just for him, but that will be my opportunity to lay down the hurt, the pain, the loss of trust and the "rules" that will be our future path together.

 

What is gutting, is everyone who knows us has said that he would be the last person on this earth that would have done it, quite the old cliche really, but since he never goes out, doesn't drink and has no friends to compete with, I can put hand on heart when I say that the past 14 years have been totally 3rd party free.

 

I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet, tell him how this is affecting me and tell him that he can't just hope for it to be *forgotten* because we need to address the past in order to have some kind of future.

 

Thanks for the advice x

[Upsetwifeofone]

Look I am NO walkover but don't agree to take divorce and wrecking 12 lives as if it were easy. Christ almighty, I can't throw away 14 years marriage, 16 together like an old newspaper, that is too easy.

 

The ages of my kids are nothing to do with this!

 

Yes, they ALL live with us!

 

I thought this was support and advice, not a place to make me feel like I should take an easy option and divorce.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry if I upset you because I asked about the ages of your children. I was just wanting to know if there was an older child that could look after the younger children to give you time to talk openly to your husband without upsetting them too.

[annie24]

Look I am NO walkover but don't agree to take divorce and wrecking 12 lives as if it were easy. Christ almighty, I can't throw away 14 years marriage, 16 together like an old newspaper, that is too easy.

 

The ages of my kids are nothing to do with this!

 

Yes, they ALL live with us!

 

I thought this was support and advice, not a place to make me feel like I should take an easy option and divorce.

 

I don't think anyone at all thinks your situation is easy and that divorce would be easy.

 

I'm just saying that you have a right to know the truth. And if he refuses to give you the truth.... how can you move forward? Hopefully, he will tell you what is going on. That way, you can confront it and get counseling together. But, if he is saying there is no problem... how can you deal with a person who is telling you you are imagining things?

[melrich]

Yes you are in a difficult situation. I can really understand how you would be willing to work through this.

 

I agree onmyownagain - it IS sad. And he WON'T tell her because she's not demanding it or taking any actions that tell him she's serious enough....

 

This is the problem though. Let's cut through the doubt. There is absolutley no doubt your husband has had an affair. You do not exchange over 200 texts with a woman living locally on the basis of a bit of flirtatious banter.

 

But he knows while he never admits it you can probably never prove it (and now that the whistle is blown he'll have cleaned up any possible evidence).

 

And at the moment he has absolutely no incentive to admit the affair. You have to give him incentive, even if that means by bluffing him. Because if he never admits it the two of you will never be able to start working on repairing the damage and re-building the relationship.

 

He had an affair. No doubt about that. Tell him you need him to admit it. Tell him you are willing to work to get the relationship back on track. But tell him if he can't tell you the truth there will be consequences that he will not like.

[melrich]

not a place to make me feel like I should take an easy option and divorce.

 

BTW divorce is not the easy option.

 

Divorce rips apart your immediate family, your extended family, your friends and your financial security. It is one of the hardest things anyone could go through.

 

Many people can put up a facade around their marriage. Can keep up appearances and the only unhappy people will be the two partners. Hell some can even attain a modicum of happiness behind the facade.

 

Divorce does not afford you that luxury.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Hi guy's, I'm sorry that I jumped on the defensive, this whole thing is driving me to dispair.

 

I appreciate what you have all said and openly agree that he needs to face up to what he has done in order to rebuild the trust etc. He kept saying at the beginning it was just text but she said they met/meet at a pub and with all the lies surrounding it, I just keep imagining that they must have had sex, she sent pictures of her panooni for Christ's sake.

 

I love my husband beyond what anyone could imagine, but I need resolution, I need truth but he gets all defensive and somehow makes me feel bad when I try to get him to talk and that hurts. When I took my vows they were for life, just call me old fashioned, I know divorce isn't easy, and I'm sorry for saying that it was implied as that, I just know we can work through this without it as long as there is some honesty that comes to light.

 

The physical symptoms are getting me more each day, not eating, feeling sick and tired, just being a total emotional wreck. I wake thinking about her and him and fall asleep holding tight to him crying silent tears thinking about it.

 

Of all things why this? Why couldn't he have started on booze or drugs, there's a simpler fix to that instead of the betrayal I feel. I guess anyone in this situation knows that question oh too well.

 

My kids are 16, 15, 13, 12, 10, 7, 5, 3 & 21mths, the older ones are great with the littler ones so they would sit and play with them if I can just get hubby to listen to me.

 

Thanks again, you all have wonderful and honest words of wisdom and I appreciate your replies, and once again, Sorry for being defensive.

 

Cxx

[melrich]

No need for you to apologise. It is understandable that you are on edge. Sometimes the advice given in this format can come accross as a bit matter of fact.

 

I understand you don't want to separate and I'm betting your husband does not want to either. So I feel I am on solid ground advising you this.

 

He does need to own up and take responsibility, apologise, grovel and work to make good. He's not going to as things stand. He's dug in for the long haul.

 

If I were you, I'd say words to this effect

 

"I know you had an affair. I am willing to work through that and forgive and work with you on our marriage. But I'm not prepared to do so until you accept responsibility for what has happened, until you are honest with me. If you can't do that, I can't forgive you and I will leave you."

 

Now I ahte empty ultimatums but in this case I don't think you will hear what you need to hear unless you bluff.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Thanks Melrich.

 

I'm going to have to do something because I am finding it more and more difficult to get through the day as things stand.

 

When I confronted him with the second two phone bills, he said that he just couldn't remember when it started, but 7months is more, a lot more than a few weeks, and to begin with, she admitted just a few weeks which makes me feel like they collaborated in some way.

 

I'm going to try and find a counsellor today, try and get myself sorted and find some strength before I get to working with my husband, it's not easy to talk and for me to try and say what I want when I'm constantly holding the lump in my throat back because as soon as I open it I start to cry...(typically female thing lol).

 

I do feel a lot of personal guilt with this too, I had a miscarriage with the twin of this baby and didn't tell him as we weren't going to add anymore additions to our family, but looking back, I guess there was enough emotional distance forming for me to hide it. I think this adds to the emotional wreck that I am today, I wanted so much to enjoy this pregnancy with him as it will be our last, but with all that sounds ungracious, I can't wait for her to be born so I can start to feel emotionally and physically well again, well better than I do with all these hormones running about.

 

Thanks again x