She wants out; what do I do?

[Mikerok]

Hello all,

I apologize ahead of time....this will be a little long. Well my wife and I were together for 2 years before marriage. We are both in the military and she got sent to Alaska in Jan.05. Two days after she left for Alaska I went to Iraq. We talked about our options and both felt that we wanted to be with each other forever. We planned the wedding to be after I got back from Iraq. She obviously did most of the planning since I was pretty busy in war. I am 24 and she is 23. Well we finally married in Aug.05. Everything was exactly how she wanted it. She told me it was better than she ever could of imagined. At the reception during our first dance she told me that she really wanted me to take our vows seriously. I agreed of course. That night at the hotel she told me how happy and excited she was to spend the rest of her life with me. Well, I went back to Texas after the wedding and she left for Alaska. We had to now wait for the military to get us together. We have now been apart for almost a year and a half. The first 10 months we were apart she sent me letters, cards, and she called me like 6 times a day. If we did not talk on the phone for long she would get sad and tell me that she was lonely. We have visited each other 4 times in that period. Everything seemed great to me. About 4 months ago she started not calling much and the letters totally faded away. At that time she also found many new friends and started hanging out alot with them. One of them in particular she hangs out with all the time. He is a gay male. They started to hang out at one of the drag show clubs downtown almost every weekend. She told me that she liked the fact that she didn't get hit on by people and that she didn't have to deal with rude men. I could understand, i mean it seemed pretty easy for me to let her go where men weren't constantly grabbing at her. We found out 5 months ago that the military has gotten us orders to be together this week for good! Well out of the blue she tells me that she does not think she wants to be married anymore. She said that she was scared and that she feels like she is too young. She used to want a kid in the next 2 years, but, now she does not want one for like 8 years. I have heard her gay friend say things about getting old and not wanting to grow up so I think she gets those feelings from him. Things kept going downhill to the point that she barely called me anymore. I knew something was up but she just kept saying that she was just scared and unsure. She finally told me that she thinks she likes women! That was a shock but she assured me that she had not cheated. She then started to really treat me like I was a nobody. She started saying things like, we were never meant to be with each other, she never loved me as much as I loved her, and really hurtfull comments like that. 3 weeks ago I went up to see her face to face. It was really not what I expected at all. I poured my heart out to her. I cried for the first time since I was 5 years old. The second day I was there she was getting out of the shower and sitting on the bed putting on lotion. I went up to her and asked her if she had cheated on me. She said no. I asked her again, but, also asked her to swear to God. She then started to cry. My immediate action was to hold her and I told her that her husband was standing outside the door. That right now I was her best friend and that she was going to be alright. She told me everything. She had an affair with another woman. She also told me that they went on a few dates and that she had sex with her twice! I was so surprised. But, I felt like and still feel like it is something that we can get past. Lately, she tells me more and more that she has really thought hard about it and that she wants a divorce. (5 months ago she couldn't even sleep without me) She gets very angry at me when I try to tell her that I still want to be with her and that she is all I ever wanted. I don't know what to do! My belief in God is what keeps me afloat. Every time I try to talk to her about the situation, it becomes an argument starting with her getting angry and telling me that there is nothing I can do to change her mind. She seems set on it. She tells me that I deserve better and that I should be happy that this is happening now and not when we have kids together. I feel like she is so far gone already. How can I stay strong and what do I need to do to even give us a chance. I have agreed to get a separate living arrangement and to work in a different section.(we also work together!) I want nothing more but for her to be happy and I really believe that she is denying herself the fact that time apart played a huge role in her feelings. What more can I do! She does not want to try counciling or going to a chaplain. She just wants it to be over. She tells me that maybe there is something better out there for the both of us. But, you need to understand that this is a total 180 from her feelings just 5 short months ago. Please help and be critical if need be. I have already hurt more than I ever thought I could bear. Any and all advice is appreciated in advance.

[RayKay]

Hi Mike, and welcome to enotalone.

 

I have to say, your story really pulled at me, you write very well, and I definitely can see you are indeed very very torn about this.

 

My honest opinion is that you have to let her go. Relationships and marriages of course often go through difficult times - in your case both the distance and stress of a military relationship, as well as infidelity and doubts on her side. And, some do work through them. However, where they work through them it is is because BOTH partners are willing and wanting to put the effort in.

 

Your wife has already said she is not interested in saving this marriage, in counselling, or a future together, and that right there tells me that the odds are not very good that you can save it, it does tell me though you may put yourself through a lot of pain hoping you can, but you can't do it alone. It may be a complete 180, but that does not mean she will go back to those feelings, nor that you should be her doormat, or that you should be dragged along as she decides what she wants in her life. And it looks like she has decided she does not want you there, though maybe she does want you there in the background as long as she can do what she wants? Has she said she is filing for divorce yet? Anyway, how is that fair to you, when you DO deserve someone whom wants to be with you 100%?

 

Maybe she is making a 'mistake' but she won't realize it as long as you are her backup plan. I truly recommend you do agree to the divorce, since she is not showing a commitment to you or to working this through. And, I think either way, you need to gain your confidence and respect back for yourself, and start healing and moving forward with your life. You deserve better.

 

I am so sorry.

 

RayKay

[sonjam]

The hardest thing in live is the fact that you cannot MAKE somebody love you.

 

yes I think you were both young and the time appart definitely played a huge role in your breakup. She started experimenting with new and exiting things (like gay relationships) and now she is confused, angry and thinks that is the way she wants to be. Im sure she loved you when she got married to you, but sometimes when people don't see each other, they change and even move on. A relationship is something that has to be nurtured and cared for to stay alive. You did it with your love for her, and that is why you still love her. She chose not to do it.

 

I don't know if there is any hope for your relationship, but what I do think is that a little bit of space between the two of you might be a good thing. Why don't you just try the friendship approach, not say anything about the nuptual agreement for awhile, and get to know who she became, what she stands for, and what makes her tick? she is obviously a far cry from the woman you love and married.

 

This friendship can work if you really believe in it, and if she would let you in. But don't make the mistake by trying to drag "i love you's" out of her every time you see her.

 

If you don't think you could bear it, then I don't know what will work. Specially if she refuses any councilling.

 

Good luck, you will be in my prayers tonight.

[brando]

It is time then to let her go. Her mind seems pretty made up and right now it is what she wants. It does not matter what you want right now, not in her eyes. You can argue with her and waste your breath, or you can simply agree with her and divorce.

 

Simply tell her that you thought about it and have finally realized that she is right, that this will be the best decision for the both of you.

 

If she no longer wants to be wit you, then you do need to let her go. All the analyzation of her actions or your lack of time together is simply theoretical, take her words as the truth, it will save you a great deal of pain and fustration.

 

I am sorry this had to happen, but you will get past it, their are many many women out their and abroad, she isnt the last woman on earth.

 

Besides what better way to let her go then with her knowing how understanding and caring you truly are, the tears the pining will only show her selfishness on your part.

 

It is time to take care of you and your needs, as she is now trying to take care of hers.

 

 

 

be well,

 

brando

[shorty20]

well, first off I can understand how difficult this is for you. You seem to really want to work at this, but unforutanetly you can't force anyone to do anything they dont' want to. It seems to me the only thing you CAN do is let her go. I learned a long time ago that you can't change people or their minds if they are unwilling to even listen to you. You deserve better. You'll get through this!

[skynet74]

I was in a 10 year relationship. She pulled a 180 on me as well. For 9 years she never wanted to be without me. Then in year 10 the last thing she wanted to do was to be with me. I learned a very important lesson. Once someone decides to leave, you really need to Trust God and just let them go. The more you try to keep them around, the more resentment they will build up against you. Besides... you will be happier without her anyway. Afterall you don't really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you...... right?

 

So at this point your best option is to simply let her go without a fight. If it's meant to be, she will find her way back on her own. It's not up to you to do anything. Just move on with your life like you never met her. As difficult as that is to do, it's really the only thing to do.

 

It will all work out. You'll see.