What I learned..

[mikeca]

I've just been on here alot since the breakup and the NC and thought I'd summerize what I've learned from all of this. For us (the dumpees) we run through our relationship happy as can be and then we get crushed, because apparently we never saw the 'signs' or some other reason. I find we go through alot of clingy/pleading/professing our love kind've behavior, and in heinsight its a horrible thing to do to ever get them back. Its my opinion those who can keep there self respect and self love will put them back in a position to achieve together again status. Right after a breakup we tend to lose ourselves even more, we've put so much into being 'us' we tend to forget about ourselves. I noticed that through my relationship looking back. They say love is about sacrifice and about working through the tough times. Which brings me to this.

 

I feel that NC and not showing one once of emotion past the initial breakup is the best course of action for getting yourself back, and then perhaps your ex. How can they ever find you again if you can't find yourself? I've changed over the past months, for the better career wise and emotionally. I still would like to be with my ex again, but not because I "miss her and love her so much".

 

Its changed to a ok now that I know myself better lets give this a try under the new me. start a new relationship since the old one didnt work. I will continue to have my good and bad days and date other people should the opportunity arise.

 

And for those who read this and think wow, hes gotten so much better i'll never get there. You must realize that I too feel your pain and I will probably have days where I thinking about contact, but we all do. But its what we choose at each moment that shapens us. I am making it that if I ever feel sad, I will never again show it in front of her. For all she knows I'm the happiest person even if I am the contrary.

 

Good luck in love to all of you, and I hope I didnt waste your time.

[pablovblack]

I share your views, and they are never wasted on us. Its other peoples stories that help us find salvation and remind us we are not alone in the world.

Thanks.

[brando]

Nicely said Mike.

 

Not a waste of words.

[majord23]

I am making it that if I ever feel sad, I will never again show it in front of her. For all she knows I'm the happiest person even if I am the contrary.

 

Not wasted at all - great post Mike.

 

The above quote is exactly why implementing NC as soon as possible is the best course of action - you retain your self-respect and don't end up beating yourself up over behaviour that you'll view as pathetic years down the track.

[HardShowingAffection]

I wanted to add something quick to your post Mike' ca. I agree with what you have learned. NC does help you get yourself back and make you stronger.

 

I have taken it one step further, and that was to learn what I apparently was unaware of as far as building a successful relationship. What I knew of relationships, is what I have learned growing up, and what I have learned by 'living and learning'. What I was not aware of are the destructive patterns that I had played into, either when I was angry, frustrated, thought I was helping, etc. Alot of these things you do not see, because you are just being you... doing what you have done for so long. In your mind, sure it makes sense, but hearing things from someone else.... yeah.... it hits you really close to home.

 

By reading many books and seeing different viewpoints, alot of this stuff is MUCH more clear now. I have been able to modify my thinking process and modify my behaviors so that I will fall into these traps again.

 

Just like before you stumbled accross this forum, you might have thought you were one of a few going through these dilemmas... then here you are... hundreds, thousands of people are feeling just as you are every day. Reading books, reading examples about situations that seem like they were written about your relationship has helped me see things in a different light. You are not alone. Millions of copies of books have been sold about this.

 

NC helps you heal... but I encourage you to take it a step further and learn about building a successful relationship, so you don't find yourself back at square one some time down the road... because you didn't know.

[brando]

HSA,

 

nicely said.

[notsurewhat2think]

Very well put Mike! I am in the NC right now, initiated myself. Everything was great in our relationship when out of the blue she said "my feelings have changed but I still love you and care about you but don't see this working out in the future" go figure! I have read your thread 3 times and it really makes a lot of sense.

[Orlander]

My thoughts are with you, mike as they are with everyone here on these and other forums who have been through so much and come so far.

 

NC is the way to go. I like this one sentence most of all from your post, mike...

 

"start a new relationship since the old one didnt work".

 

I believe that's ultimately the 'gist' or summary we all can come to from our old relationships. NC so we can once again start a new relationship whether it be with our exes or with someone new again one day. Sounds scary, but thrilling. Good luck to us all.

 

 

Orlander